what makes one press forward? Where does the will to continue stem from, especially in a life bombarded with challenges and fears? Where does the faith to believe in the future take root?
As I draw nearer to the four year anniversary of Todd's cancer diagnosis I've been reflecting on my journey with the Lord. It's a journey filled with highs and many lows. We are blessed that Todd is healthy, that he has an excellent prognosis. We are blessed with two more sons, two lives that we were told would never be. We have our home, our children, and great friends. Yet, we also have scars. Large aches that are so easily nicked, so easily brought to the surface.
When I look at the scars on my heart, scars that I've defined as failure and fear, it's easy to try to hide them from others view. They're raw and painful. I won't measure up to the "ideal" wife and mother and friend that I've created in my head. An ideal based on the world, not the Word. I began to reflect on my journey during that time, and thus I started to read the journal on my caringbridge site. I wanted to remember the rawness of my heart during those dark, dark times. What did I find? A hurting soul desiring that the Lord take this tragedy and turn it to blessing. A heart aching to bring truth and joy to others.
Waiting and wandering is a confusing place to reside. As I wrote before, the battle is less clear, less defined. When cancer was the enemy I knew the weapons. I knew how to fight. Right now? I'm not so confident, not so sure. The battle within, the battle with self, with identity...that's not so black and white. But I've learned from battling oppressive giants that the daily battle needs and requires as much, and perhaps more diligence. It's critical to surrender, to look in at those emotions that are so easily allowed to dictate moods. Look at overwhelm. An individual in overwhelm technically feels that he/she has no options. And as external triggers continue to pile up so does the overwhelm. Daily life, at least at my home, can leave me feeling overwhelmed constantly. So I'm forced, once again, to throw up my arms in surrender to the God of peace and order. And my family watches me. They observe my actions...and the difference when I "pull up my bootstraps" on my own versus getting strength from our God. The scars were there, but I wasn't learning from them. Using them.
I've started to realize that these last couple weeks I've been trying to do it all on my own. I was going to tough it out. I can do it. I can't fail, right? And yet, I was becoming more and more exhausted. Worn out. Feeling like I was failing. Well, it was all self. As much as I spoke of my love and reliance on the Lord, I wasn't living it. I wasn't living and looking to Him for breath and life. It was me. And I was losing.
So today, once again, I surrender. I realize that without Him I am nothing. When my life became reliant on my strength I grumbled, much like the Israelites. Why didn't he hear me? See me? See the daily struggles? Grumble...grumble...grumble. How pitiful. God has been so good to me. It's so easy to look at all the valleys, to look at the time spent in them, and to complain. To be resentful that I have scars. But, in God, those scars are beautiful. When I look in they show a soul reliant on Him, not self. And in Him I find rest. Rest from overwhelm. Rest in the midst of wandering. Rest in the valley, rest on the peaks. Rest.
Psalm 62:1-2
One day, as we were innocently watching some tv, a nasty smell started wafting into our noses. My hubby said it smelled like death. All I knew was that it stunk. For about a week we searched the house for the smell. My hubby actually went down to the basement and cleaned and still didn't find the smell. Finally, I turned the couch over because I was convinced there was a dead mouse in the couch. I smelled all over the couch, didn't find the source, but then, out of a strange hunch, I smelled the outlet. There it was! The outlet stunk! That's when I remembered about a month previous to that, we were sitting in the frontroom and heard scratching in the walls. UGH! There was a dead mouse somewhere in our walls! What were we supposed to do? My hubby wanted to start tearing apart the walls - which I couldn't really blame him since the smell was just awful. We tried to wait it out for a little while. We were hoping it would go away. No such luck. Finally, hubby started surgery on our house. Thankfully, the other side of the wall that the smell was coming from was the basement stairs. So we didn't have to rip apart a wall that could actually be seen.
And this is some of what hubby found:
Creepy. Obviously, this isn't the first time this had happened. Unfortunatly, he still didn't find the source of the smell. And we are still living with it. It is definitly not as strong as before, but it's still there. I need to write a book about everything you need to know about before you move to the country.
....again.... It seems as if I might want to camp out in Chapters 3 and 4 for a bit. I've been mulling over these words, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..." (Philippians 3: 13b-14a)
Life seems to be a journey in the desert right now. I've been comparing it to the 40 years that the Isrealites wandered in the desert before entering the promise land. While there are no pressing trials, there are still thorns from years of fiscal struggle poking unrelentlessly, and life seems stagnant...almost still. There's really no good option to pluck these thorns from our life, and yet I know they're there, and am reminded, at the most inopportune times, that they're there. It's a battle with an overpowering opponent and I'm given no obvious and immediate weapon. And despite it's potentially crushing weight I'm determined to live joyously and with victory.
So reading Paul's words encourages me to continue straining forward. The reality is that I'm not defined by these thorns, and that my Savior knows full well they are there. He's heard my prayers for victory for years. The greatest defeat would be living bitter, scared, sullen and resentful. At that point, my earthly trials would be trumping my eternal reward. Where is the vision of hope and future?
When the Israelites were wandering there had to have been a vision of hope. Hope that is less self-centered, but more generational driven. After all, only the new generation was allowed to enter Israel. What would be the goal of walking and wandering for them if it was only based on their own life? They'd never get the earthly reward. However, there children, and their children's children, and on and on - would reap rewards for their faithfulness. Of pressing forward, of obedience, repentance, and listening to the Lord.
Parallel that to my life, the vision needs to be not only mine, but also one for my children. A life vision rooted in the Lord. Living defeated and burdened by fiscal thorns that I can't attack now would, in a sense, rob my children of the parent that they need now. I've had to learn to let go, to forget, and press forward. Faithfully doing what I can to resolve issues, and if nothing can be done now, letting myself release any anxiety to the Lord.
I can't imagine how Paul felt. Here he persecuted the very people that He was now working to bring to Christ. I'm sure that it would be easy to allow guilt to plague his thoughts and slow his mission. Imagine the weight of his errors, the lives lost. And, yet, he allowed himself to move forward straining to a goal that is centered on Christ. This life is hard. I can truthfully tell you that. I've spent my share of time being angry and questioning the love the Lord has for me. And then, humbled by His amazing and undeserved love, I've been redeemed by His grace - not of me - but from Him. Despite all the trials, losses, and defeats He is still worthy of praise. And not just a wimpy voice, but a surrendered life screaming "ALLELUIA!"
So I press on. Enjoying my son's sixth birthday today. Laughing with my children. Praying to the Lord. Praising Him. Forgetting. And living a life of joy from Him.
Blessings friends,
Rachel
Ahh...yes...the inevitable question that occurs AFTER I tell the stranger that I'm blessed with seven children. So often I'll be at the store with just Samuel, and someone will ask me if it's my first baby. Part of me hesitates for just a moment thinking that maybe I'll simply say yes, but then I'll reconsider and bravely admit that I am a mother of seven. And that I love it. And that I'm happy. And that I'm not crazy! After all, I'm walking around Target, with a Starbucks in hand, Levi Jeans on, and a big box of Pampers resting underneath a bulging cart. (I would think that might give a tiny clue to our family's size!) Anyways, typically after they find out my family's size they want to know how I handle it. Day by day. And I tell them, it's a day at a time, and my children, all children are a gift from the Lord.
Still, there are days when I want to throw my hands in the air and cry, "I give up." You know the days...days when the milk is spilled-twice, when there's marker on every wall, when that math concept just doesn't make sense, when the truck doesn't start, when there's absolutely no option for lunch, a new bill, etc... I've lived those days. I've lived through my dh's cancer treatment, through financial crisis, through other health crises, through new babes, etc...and yet, sometimes, the toughest days are those days filled with nitty-gritty, irritating, and yet wearing, problems. And those are the days where I've had to learn to surrender. I've had to give up my agenda, again, and look to the Father for guidance. Maybe it's not all that important that we complete that math page, but what is important is that I help my four year old wipe up spilled milk, give him a hug, and praise him for trying.
But how? When I'm in the midst of overwhelm it's so hard not to operate overwhelmed. Throughout the last several years the Lord has been teaching me that He is the priority. He's my breath...even in parenting. So I've started to pray throughout the day. I pray when Samuel cries, or the boys are fighting, or my teenage daughter is frustrated with Algebra. Do the problems go away? Most of the time not. But my inner mood shifts. It shifts to an attitude that is less dependent on self, and more dependent on serventhood. You see, I really believe that parents today are given a rare and special opportunity to raise a generation of children totally sold on Christ. Future men and women that are willing to be Kingdom Warriors. And training warriors takes work, time, and perseverence. It's a time of dying to self, and giving yourself to your children. There are moments when the last thing I want to do is read that phonics reader, and yet, I pick it up and relish the joy my six year old gets when he recognizes sounds. We live in a culture of self. That culture is so often shocked about the number of kids I have because it seems obvious that I don't get much self time. And, in reality, I don't...but that's okay. Someday these seven arrows living in my house will be gone. I desire to look back at the years that they were in my house as years where they remember their mother enagaged, active, and joyful to be around them.
So how does this relate to the "you have how many kids question?" I've been quite convicted to make sure that my answer and responses to the various family-sized questions is to ALWAYS be a light for Christ. And in that, I phrase my answers that children are blessings. I admit that there are hard days, but I also take time to encourage that young mom with two kids. Seriously, it was much harder when I only had my two little toddlers. So I let them know that, along with the importance of recognizing the great gift they are being given by being a mother to the children hanging off their cart. And I tell them (if they're still asking) how my large family is a gift from the Lord. After Todd's cancer treatment we were told that we probably couldn't have any more children. And the Lord has blessed us with two little boys....whose names mean "gift from God" and "the Lord has heard." He's really heard my heart these past years. The journey has been anything but straight, and yet, he's been the one directing my path. Man, if I had charted my path, life would have been so much messier. And probably without these little men to raise for Him. Alleluia to our Amazing Lord!
So whereever you are today...with many kids or just one...take time to look at your child through the lens of the Lord. You are the perfect and chosen parent for that child. Embrace that truth. Lift it to the Lord with gratitude and thanks. Pray to Him for wisdom and discernment. Simply pray.
And, if you run into me at Target some time, I hope that my cheerful countenance brings joy to your day. And, hopefully, you'll have some spare time to sit and chat with me in their Starbucks.
Rachel
I don't have much to say today, but I will post a couple of pics. I already had these up on photobucket and since it takes about 20 min to upload photos, I might as well use them.
We made maple leaf cut out cookies. I think it was on recipezaar.com. The kids always enjoy making cut out cookies and I don't, but I let them do it once or twice a year because I remember how much fun it was as a kid. Now that I am the grown up, I have to deal with rolling the dough - which is my least favorite part - and of course, the clean up. Lots of little sprinkles all over... yuck.
B was walking around with a bandana, so I turned him into a pirate. He was a pirate with a sullen attitude. He likes drama. 
But isn't he adorable?
My next post will be a little more exciting. Or creepy....
This is a picture of the chicks at about a week old.
Aren't they cute? They didn't stay cute for long. They grew fast, and soon we needed to move then into their big chick coop.
Here is D inside the chicken tractor, which was their "nursery", catching the chicks and passing them out.
And N moving the chicks to their new home.
They have so much more room now. You see how they've gotten ugly? Some of them look like hawks.
Our neighbors gave us four chickens about a month ago - two hens and two roosters. Two days ago, we found an egg from one of the hens. And a little over a week ago, Mrs. Duck started laying. That is very exciting news around here. Our four hens do not produce enough eggs to feed this family. Now that we have two more birds contributing, that will help a lot.
And that wraps up this edition of Fowl News.
"You crown the year with your bounty; Your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. The pastures of the wilderness overlfow, the hills gird themselves with joy." Psalm 65:11-12
Before I begin, let me just let you know that we've had our seventh baby. Samuel Josiah was born on September 25, 2009 at 3:12 pm. He came into this world weighing 7lbs 8oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. He's a great joy, and our family loves him dearly.
It's October here in Minnesota, but if you were to look outside yesterday you might think it was mid-December. Snow blanketed the ground, and fell heavily from the sky. Trees still bursting with the brilliant colors of fall were ladened with sheets of white. The sky was gray, traffic slow. The season of winter encroached upon the oh, so short, season of fall. In fact, fall this year, has almost not existed. We've gone from a balmy September with temps in the 70s to October with temps in the 40s. If it wasn't for the spotty changes of colors on the leaves, and some leaves on the trees, I might think that fall didn't even exist. What happened to that season?
So often life seems to be in a season that we weren't expected for...or weren't prepared for. And, even if we are prepared for the season (like having a new baby), it has the potential to seem unrestful, out-of-place, or uncomfortable. Just like seeing orange leaves laced with white snow. And yet, the season, the journey where life is at the moment is the place where we are to live contented and full. Not easy. Especially if there are many difficulties or trials in that time. Or maybe there's not obvious trials, but instead life is a time of constant energy. Such as motherhood. Even as I've been writing, I've been interrupted. Numerous times. In the past, I'd find myself agitated and annoyed...can't they see I'm writing?...my heart would cry. But the Lord has slowly convicted me to lay aside my agendas and instead embrace his agenda, his season for me. And that, right now, is being an aware and attentive mother for my children. Getting up to make a peanut butter sandwich. Pausing to write down my five year old's adventure story. Explaining that algebra concept...again. It's a life that could be exhausting if I were to live on my own energy. But, I don't. Or, I try not to....
I was at a bi-monthly Bible Study on Sunday night and heard friends tell other friends how they were the exact mother needed for their children. It got the wheels churning in my head. How many times had I fought my role because I wanted to do something. Or I wanted the house spotless...so that I looked all together...and yet didn't respect and honor the hearts of my children in the process. Sigh. I became so convicted of the tendency I had to look beyond the current season of my life. Which, quite frankly, is extremely busy. If I focus on the "me" aspects of the movement it's easy to become bitter, exhausted, and discontent. If I allow myself to embrace this life, right now, then there are moments of joy, gratitude, and yes, peace. Peace in the midst of chaos. Moments of silence as I nurse my 18 day old baby, while snuggling my two year old. Calmness as we drive in the car over rolling hills, still showing remnants of snow, to dance.
I always thought that I knew the plans. Instead, I've begun to learn how to "find joy" in places in life that I thought could only be painful, or stale, or tiring, or calm. Joy isn't from me. Joy is a gift from our Father above. And, in fact, for me, true joy can only be found living in the present. It's in living in the season and being open to the gifts and blessings that the Lord has before us. It's all to easy to check out and look to the next stage in life, but remember, the stage where you are right now has nuggets of joy. This truth, is a truth that I need to reming myself of constantly. It is just too easy to allow the frustrations of the moment to rob my heart of the blessings found in that very moment.
Last year, on December 31, I prayed for a verse for this year. And yes, that's the very verse that started my entry. I really wanted to pray and ponder an entire verse for a year. Listed below is that very verse once again. Enjoy, and reflect upon the profound truths wrapped within the psalmist words. And, in fact, I encourage you to pray them for your day where ever your journey is...even in the wilderness...because as you read, there is joy to be found there.
"You crown the year with your bounty; Your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. The pastures of the wilderness overlfow, the hills gird themselves with joy." Psalm 65:11-12
Rachel
Last week, Wednesday, we headed to the post office to pick up our chicks! We ordered 27 Americana chicks, and we received one extra. Americana chickens lay tinted blue, green eggs. They also go broody, so in a year or so, we should get our own baby chicks. It sure beats trying to incubate eggs! That was fun, but a pain, and not very successful.
I just love all the different colors they are.
So far, 3 chicks have died. We expected it, but it was still sad. Especially knowing that I paid money for the dead chickens now rotting in my garden.
Speaking of sadness, we had to put down two of our ducks. We think the guineas were picking on the ducks, which caused open wounds. Since it was warm and the flies were out like crazy, they laid eggs in the wounds and, well.... you can imagine the horror that ensued. When we found them, they were really bad off. The vet said it would cost over $200 minimum per duck and it could take up to 6 months to nurse them back to health. So we chose to put them down for $13. We were really upset, but we still have two ducks, one male and one female, so we are hoping for some baby ducks come spring.
This morning we woke up to a blanket of fog. That wasn't completely out of the ordinary, but what sparked our interest was all of the spider webs that we could see. The wet air had put drops of dew all over the webs around the house. And being "fall", there were a LOT of webs.
We started out investigating our front porch.
But soon the kids were running around the yard finding webs.
We found lots of teeny tiny webs in the grass about 1 inch in diameter. We also found some bigger webs in the trees and on this sunflower in our garden.
I found a really good example of a funnel web.
On the way back from the house, I noticed our bushes.
Can you believe all those webs? And you can see the fog in the background.
After breakfast, we set up bug bombs and went to Walmart while all of our indoor spiders died. 
When we got home, I read to the kids about spiders from the Handbook of Nature Study. Tomorrow, we will begin our spider unit study that has been sitting around for a few years, waiting to be used.
And since we are on the subject of spiders, here is one we found the other night.
And his web which was about 5 feet tall.
It is truly amazing to me that the Lord of Heaven and Earth could love a sinner like me.It is truly amazing to me that I could be a child of the King.
It is truly amazing to me that the King of Kings could see fit to allow me to have such a wonderful family.
It is truly amazing to me how much I have learned from being a wife and mother....things I thought I already knew.
It is truly amazing to me to see my children learn.
It is truly amazing to me to watch my children grow.
It is truly amazing to me to observe traits and characteristics in my children that I have. Music, art, and such are things that I loved growing up, and now some of my children do, too. And for my very simple mind, it is truly amazing.
I am thankful to be amazed, and look forward to more of the Lord's wondrous amazing grace and mercy that He so abundantly bestows upon His people.
Thank you, Lord, for amazing me anew each day!
Rebecca