• Apr. 7, 2009
Freeze! Lesson 7, Reach For The Stars!
Before: It rained all week during our camping trip.
After: The weather was perfect for a summer camping trip. It was a scorching 86 degrees outside and there wasn't a cloud in sight. The sun was shining bright and the birds were singing their sweet songs. Everything was bright and cheery! We picked a beautiful spot to put our camp site, it over looked the quiet little stream only a few yards away. The next morning, everyone woke up and found that the quiet little stream had grown over night into a rushing river! It was so close to our camp site that within an hour we would have been washed away! The rain was pouring down so hard the tents collapsed before we could take them down! The rain washed away our summer camping trip . 
Before: Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquarium.
After: Katie was excited to go on a school field trip to an aquarium, she had always wanted to go to one. Katie saw so many amazing sea creatures. She saw slimy jellyfish, slinky eels, adorable baby turtles, shiny oyster shells and tons of other adorable and maybe not so adorable creatures. The least adorable sea creature Katie saw was the hammer head shark. The scariest thing about it was all of those sharp, pointy, white teeth!! They just stared at you as if they were saying, "Come any closer and you will become my dinner!"
Before: As I entered the cave, I found the object of my search---the lost treasure of the Ancients.
After: As I wearily entered the rugged mouth of an old cave, a bright ray of sun shone on something shiny. It immediately caught my attention. As I neared the shiny object and as my eyes adjusted to the dimness of the cave. I realized that I had found what I had been searching for, for the last seven years. The lost treasure chest of the Ancients full of gold medallions and sold gold coins!!! The worth of the treasure was unfathomable! I stood in a daze at first, because I was so overwhelmed. All kinds of feelings were rushing through me and my mind was full of so many wonderful thoughts. I could just picture all the grand things I could do with the lost treasure that I had just discovered.
Comments
• Apr. 8, 2009
Lesson 7
Posted by skmarlow
Oh, I loved that camping trip paragraph! That was so vivid and I could see everything. Nicely done, Joy. Your other paragraphs are well-done, as well. But I did manage to find a few "dead words" lurking around the edges. LOL
Here they are: Do you see them better as "dead words" when they are in a list?
amazing
excited
unfathomable
wonderful
Hmmm....now, how could you reword to SHOW her excitement or so the reader could "see" how wonderful it is?
• Apr. 16, 2009
Reach for the Stars
Posted by Miss Kirsten
Joy,
Thank you for sharing all of these writing assignments on your blog. I was very impressed with how you completed this particular exercise. I agree with Mrs. Marlow that you still have to be careful about dead words. You might also watch carefully for sentences that use the same word twice such as gold medallions and solid gold coins. You could change the sentence to read "priceless medallions and solid gold coins" or something to that effect. My favorite paragraph was the first that described your camping experience. After I read that piece I ached for summer. Thank You! Miss Kirsten
