• Aug. 4, 2006
Pressure or Conviction

Everything is going good here. My mother-in-law and I are going to a Beth Moore bible study today at her church. The study is called "Breaking Free". I am very excited about that. We went to visit the christian school where my father-in-law works and we saw the classrooms of where Eli and Grant would go if they were to go there. Eric felt like this first year that they should since we are going to be living with his parents and this is a huge transition for the boys, etc. I was open to it, but then when I left the school I started feeling all this anxiety to the point of wanting to throw up because I have had such HUGE convictions since Grant was a baby to homeschool and I feel like I am going against that. Right now I am trying to find some christian homeschool groups in the area so I can try to get plugged in there. My husband's family is very big on education and schools, etc. and my husband and I are more of the mindset of yes, education is important but SCHOOL is different then education. We don't believe that you have to get a college degree to succeed in life. We do feel that it is important to have a trade, but most importantly you need to follow what God wants you to do with your life and that is different for everyone. If you are seeking God's will for your life He is going to put the desires in your heart for you to follow. Now don't get me wrong...my husband has a Masters Degree in Education, but only because the Lord led him to do that. And during his Masters program his GA boss was really awesome. He was a missionary for 20+ years and he kept telling Eric that with his masters degree it really opens up a lot of doors on the mission field in different areas than most missionaries go. We are trusting in that because we know that God is calling us to go to Africa someday and we know that God is going to use it. It took my husband 10 years to get his bachelors degree because he hated school so much, but it only took him a year and a half to do his masters because it was God-led.

If anyone knows of any christian homeschool groups in the Portland, Oregon area please let me know. I need connections. Or am I just being ridiculous and I should just let them go to the school? I don't know what to do.

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• Aug. 3, 2006
We are in Oregon

We made it. It was a long drive and my husband hit a hotel awning with the moving truck, but other than that we made it all in one piece. It is beautiful here...mid-70s. We went to the coast a couple of days ago and it was beautiful. I saw a whale for the first time. It was just a tail, but that's okay, it made my day! Thank you for your prayers and the moving tips mnhsmom.
Yesterday was Grant's 5th birthday so we had a little birthday party with the cousins. It was great. We are going camping this weekend and I am going to make a treasure hunt for them and make maps and stuff. I will try to write more later, but you know how that goes!

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• Jul. 21, 2006
Looking for Christian homeschool group in Portland, Oregon area

We are moving to Beaverton, Oregon next week and I am looking for a christian homeschool group and suggestions for churches in that area.  Thanks!

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• Jul. 5, 2006
baptism

Last night our youth group had a bbq at the church and they set up a pool to do baptisms. Well, Grant my 4 yo ( he will be 5 at the beginning of August) wasn't paying attention to the baptisms and I wanted him to because he had never seen a baptism before. I told him that Jesus was baptized and what it meant. Well, when they finished baptizing the youth our youth pastor started talking about what baptism is and what it means and he asked who loves Jesus. Well Grant was hanging on his every word and he raised his hand and said "I love Jesus". Then our youth pastor started saying that today is the day and that we don't wait to be baptized if we want to believe in Jesus and want to follow him. Grant went RUNNING to the pool shouting "I love Jesus! I love Jesus! I follow Jesus! I want to be baptized!" Pastor David said yes and he asked if Eric and I wanted to do it so we got in with him and Eric asked him if Jesus is his Lord and Savior and he said "yes He is." Then Eric asked him if He wanted to live his life for Jesus and he said "YES" then Eric baptized him in the name of Jesus. I was shaking and I felt like bawling. It was very overwhelming and definitely not planned. I asked one of the ladies afterward if she thought he was too young and she said, "Liberty, the fact that he was even listening AND he responded to the call, he is not to young. He was spiritually ready." She is right. On the drive home we told Grant that he is a christian and that this is the most important thing in his whole life. He was so excited he called his Nana and Poppa when we got home and he said, "I am a christian! I got baptized!" What a wonderful 4th of July!

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• Jul. 5, 2006
The only response

This is the only response that I got from my letter...

"Hey Liberty--I got this as I was praying for you guys last night and it's just how I feel. From the Message version, Col 2 "Know that I'm on your side, right alongside you. You're not in this alone. I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we've been shown the mystery!" My wish and prayer for you is that you go on and on with God, deeper and deeper. If you truly believe this is God's leading then you really can't do anything else but go, and as long as you and Eric are pursuing the Lord with all your hearts you will be fine. I'll keep praying for you."

She got this the night before I even wrote my letter. On Sunday we talked and she wrote this to our friends...

"So I wanted to share how God totally changed my heart in regards to Liberty's move. (She is aware that I'm e-mailing all this). This is long and there's a lot of scripture so do what you want with it (delete, read, whatever). I was very disturbed about Liberty's news and offended that she hadn't told me in person so I didn't respond to her at all. I felt the move was wrong but I was really praying about it and asking God to show me something. Friday night at our church prayer time I asked God to give me a scripture for Liberty and I got Colossians 2:1b-4 from the Message version. "Know that I'm on your side, right alongside you. You're not in this alone. I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we've been shown the mystery!"
I really didn't want to give her that scripture because I didn't feel like I was on her side--I felt she was wrong. But after praying about it God just reminded me about what a total blessing Liberty has been to me through all these years. She just has a way of spurring me along in the Lord and she always gives me great resources for parenting, etc. So I sent her that scripture yesterday evening but was thinking, "I can encourage her to go deeper in the Lord and still be a friend who supports her Christian walk but I'm not going to say I agree with her."
So today I was reading in Ephesians 4:1-7 again in the Message, "In light of all this, here's what I want you to do. While I'm locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.
4-6 You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
7-13 But that doesn't mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift."
I was paused at the noticing differences part and the whole theme of unity in verses 4-6 and was thinking that we are not in unity with Liberty so what's up with that? How can we be in unity with someone we disagree with? Then I kept reading and it said that we don't all look and speak alike. The phrase "itinerant minister" came to my mind and God just spoke to me that the blessing Liberty has been in my life she has also been in others lives! All those places they have moved to they have been helping people and ministering in their churches. That is just how God uses them. We can't all be like that and God doesn't need us to be. We all just stay right here where we are and minister as God leads so we don't understand her and think her decisions are strange. But now I truly feel they are seeking God and following His leading in this move. This is just how God uses them and God will bless their children just like He does with missionary families who move a lot. So, hope this was helpful to someone."

HOW AWESOME WAS THAT? I don't care that noone else has responded because what she wrote is just more confirmation from God about what we are doing. The hard part for me to grasp is how I/We have blessed people because we don't see it at all. I am just thankful that God is using us in people's lives even if we are oblivious. It just goes to show you that all we need to be are willing vessels and God will do the rest. He is sufficient. GOD IS GOOD!

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• Jul. 1, 2006
Turn around bright eyes

This is a total turnaround from the last entry.  We are moving to Oregon!  This is all God's doing.  We are very excited.  A few of my friends where we live are being weird about me moving away so this is a letter I wrote to them and it will explain further.

"I just want to start out by saying that since you can’t know the inflection in written word please know that I am writing this from my heart and I am not angry.  I don’t think anything will come across like I am angry but you never know so I am just covering this.

I know that some of you are concerned about our move and I just want to try to ease your minds.

We are not moving because we are in a bad place or hate our town (edited for privacy) or anything like that.  At the men’s retreat a few month’s ago Eric heard God crystal clear (Eric’s words) that we are supposed to be in full time ministry.  We have done a lot of praying about what that is and where we are supposed to be in the meantime.  We have a vision for what we are supposed to be doing and so we started praying about where this was supposed to happen.  God just began opening the doors to Oregon and is paving the way towards the ministry for us.  The ministry is not going to happen for quite a few more years but there is a lot to do beforehand. 

Eric proposed to his bosses about telecommuting full time from Oregon and apparently it is a very common thing and many people have been doing it throughout the government for the past 15 years so they just sent him the paperwork and that is all that we are waiting on now.  They are happy about the arrangement because Eric is willing to travel more since I will be with his family. 

Eric’s parents have also offered us that we can live with them to pay off all of our debts so we will be debt free in one year.  That is a huge thing to begin working on stuff for the ministry.

I know that our lives don’t make sense to you, but I can honestly say that we seek God every day of our lives and this is what He is calling us to.  Before we moved back to New Mexico Eric hadn’t planned to get his Masters degree in Education but after we were there that was God had Eric do.  In our vision for ministry that is one of the main things that Eric would need to even be able to propose what we want to do.  God moved us back here for a number of reasons.  We have grown spiritually at our church in ways that we never have before.  Eric did new things in his job that enabled him to have the kind of position that he has. 

I have actually prayed that if we are not supposed to move out of this town then God would make that clear, but He is just paving the way out and to Oregon.

We believe that God is the most important thing in our life and then our family.  One of Eric’s big reasons for wanting to live close to his parents is because he has such a strong family unit and he wants our boys to grow up in that.  I agree with him because that is all that I have ever wanted as a child and so of course I want my boys to have what I never had. 

I don’t expect you to understand what we are doing but I do feel like I have to explain myself because I know you don’t understand me and where I have come from and I am just trying to do the best that I can and that means that I have to completely follow God no matter what that looks like to everyone else.  I feel like some of you think I am crazy and that we are not doing the right thing and that hurts, but the people that do support us and love us are very happy for us and they see what God is doing in our lives.  I don’t know what else to say except that I love you and I pray that our relationships will continue to grow through the years and that you will get to share in this journey that God has prepared for us."

Tell me if you thought the letter was harsh.  Also, you guys know just as much about me as these people do if not more, but a couple of these ladies have a weird/awkward fixation with me.  One of them actually keeps track of how much time I spend with other people and then feels like I owe her that much time.  It is weird because I am such an introvert and I would rather be by myself anyway and have a couple of one on ones every now and then but not obligatory one on ones.  Anyway, we are happy, excited, ECSTATIC about this move.  We are moving the last weekend in July.

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• Jun. 15, 2006
We didn't go

I know I haven't written in awhile, but the last day that I wrote an entry everything went crazy.  It was definitely a spiritual attack.  I have been married to Eric for 9 years and I have never had any kind of argument/fight with his sister EVER!  That afternoon we were talking and she basically said that it was not a good time for us to come and that we are going to throw off the balance of everything.  It was not a good situation.  I was just quiet for the most part and listened.  I hung up feeling unwelcome and that I am a burden on everyone.  On the other hand, I know that she is pregnant with her 4th child and that her husband lost his job so she is a little stressed.  I wasn't even staying with her and I was planning on helping her but that didn't go over very well.  It was weird.  My mother-in-law was very upset because she wanted us to come and we were staying with her anyway.    Things are slowly getting worked out. 

We are actually trying to move to Portland this summer.  My husband is actively seeking employment up there.  He is an Experienced Software Engineer so I am sure he won't have any problems.  We are praying.  I have already talked to our landlord and he is letting us out of our lease if we move because he wants to move back into his house anyway. 

They have a really big homeschool group up there called The Village and I am very excited about that.  My vision of homeschooling involves being in nature (not the desert), going to museums, being involved in community projects and our town just doesn't have that.  We would actually like to live outside of Portland on some land with chickens and horses, but that is just a dream right now.  I miss ranch life.   I like ranch life with big city perks! :)

I have to get ready for church because I am helping with our Vacation Bible School tonight.  It has been really great.  Close to 300 kids have come every night.  God is doing good things!

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• May. 8, 2006
Things are good

Things have been going really well lately.  I feel great.  I am losing weight.  We are in a good routine.  And we are leaving for Oregon in 2 weeks!  I am so excited.  The boys and I will be there until the end of  June then I get to go on the Price is Right!  I am about to start the bible that is separated to read the whole thing in 90 days.  I have never read all of the old testament before so I am very excited.  It basically breaks it up into 12 pages a day.

We celebrated Sawyer's first birthday last weekend.  It was great!  I can't believe how fast it goes.  We cherish every moment.

We were given a 12 foot pool from some friends that are moving out of town.  It is awesome!  The boys want to swim everyday.  So far they have.

We went to the professional rodeo on Saturday night and it was AWESOME!  Now my boys want to be cowboys.  I would love that of course!  I am PURE COUNTRY at heart.

We are getting ready to go to the park so I better boogie.

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• May. 1, 2006
Busy as a bee

Sorry I haven't written.  I have been super busy!  I made $600 this month selling Tupperware!  WOO-HOO! 

My husband went to a men's retreat last weekend and he said that God spoke to him and said that our family is called to be in full time ministry and that our boy's lives depend on it.  Basically, the paths that they choose to take will depend on it.  That was just confirmation to me.  I really see something happening in the next three years.  We will either get to start our christian summer camp for inner-city kids who can't afford to go to camp or we are moving to Africa.  We will see what God has in mind.  In the meantime, we will be training up our boys for the Lord and His work at home.

It is so hot where we live.  It was 92 degrees today.  We are in for a hot summer.  Not to mention gas prices.  We are already close to $3.30/gal.  What are the prices like everywhere else?  Are we the highest?  Rumor has it that it is going to be up tp $5/gal by summer.  What ever happened to horse and carriages.  Did I mention that I would like to be Amish?

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• Apr. 3, 2006
Another word from Sue

Last Wednesday night I went to my bible study and Sue came up to me and told me that she had been praying for me  and God gave her a vision.  She saw a little girl (me)  sitting in the corner and she was afraid.  There was so much fear and she carried it into her life.   She sat in the corner because she didn’t want to be seen, but she still saw everything going on around her. 

The next vision was of the same little girl with a pretty party dress on.  God is preparing me for the party that I was supposed to have and Jesus is escorting me to it!

I am doing better every day.  My mother-in-law came and it was wonderful.  She is one of my very best friends. She did ALL of my laundry, and when I say all I mean my blankets and sheets too!  I am so blessed and I couldn't thank her enough. 

We are going to Oregon for the summer because it is unbearably hot where we live (115-120 degrees everyday).  I can handle it up to 100, but over that I am dying!

I decided to sell Tupperware instead of Pampered Chef because it is higher commission and our community is tapped out.  Every PC party I had everyone already owned everything and nobody would book any parties.  I helped out a friend who sold Tupperware and talked at her party for her because she had laryngitis and I got three bookings that night.  It was incredible.  So I had my first party and I made $140 instant commission!  I am so excited!  The person over me has only been selling it for two years and she has already earned the van.  I have 7 shows booked and 4 online parties.  I still am going to stay in Pampered Chef until the end of the year because I paid for the website.  If you are interested in having an online tupperware party you can do it at my website:

www.my2.tupperware.com/libertydictson

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• Mar. 20, 2006
Bad words

Does anyone else consider the word "stupid" a bad word.  My children are not allowed to use that word and it is in almost every children's movie.  Am I being to sensitive about that word?  We were watching the movie Stuart Little for the first time and the cat said "Stupid" and Grant said, "Mommy, he said a bad word we need to turn this movie off!"  So we did.  I wouldn't have if he hadn't said anything because it seemed like a cute movie.  I am so tired of hearing that stupid word everywhere! ;)

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• Mar. 18, 2006
The Gift of Motherhood

This is the word that God gave her for me:

You have been given the "Gift of Motherhood".  This is an actual gifting that God has not given to many people, even though there are many excellent mothers.  This gift was given to you to share with other women.  You are called to teach mothers how to love their children and train them in a way that pleases God.  All of your sons have a great calling on their lives and God chose you to be their mother.

God has already completed much of the work He wants to do in you and is in the process of removing the grave clothes so that you can walk in complete freedom.  As these grave clothes are removed, you will think clearly, see with new vision, speak His word boldly, lift your arms in freedom, and kneel frequently to receive His instruction.  You will then be able to walk and run in the paths He has laid out before you.

Your children will learn to live from your life.  You just being yourself.  Their hearts will reflect your heart.

Of course I was bawling while she told me this and when she was finished I asked her, "have you been talking to Cheri (my Titus 2 woman) about me?" and she said, "No, I don't even know anything about you.  God just really put that on my heart to tell you."  So then I shared with her what happened the day before about wanting to kill myself and she stood up and went to her bag and came back with a gift.  She said that God had put it on her heart to give someone this gift and through the whole bible study she didn't know who it was for and then she realized it was me. 

She had printed a scripture out on stationary and read it to me:

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me;
Give ear to me and hear my prayer.
Show the wonder of your great love,
You who save by your right hand.
Those who take refuge in you from their foes,
KEEP ME AS THE APPLE OF YOUR EYE,
HIDE ME IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR WINGS."
Psalm 17:6-8

When she read the "apple of your eye" part it sounded so familiar to me and not in a way that I had just read it before.  Then she told me to open the gift.  I pulled out a wooden apple and she said this apple represents the fruit of the spirit LOVE.  I started crying again because God reminded me of this from a time before.  About 15 months ago before we had moved back to California our church had a women's christmas party.  We had secret pals to do a gift exchange.  The woman who had me had written in the card that God had given her a verse for me and it was Psalm 17:8.  She had given me a swag with apples on it.  I shared this with Sue (the woman giving me the present) and we both saw God's hand at work.

I had Cheri come over to pray with us and Sue prayed against depression and suicide.  She also prayed that when I looked in the mirror that I would see myself differently.  Cheri and I squeezed hands because  earlier that day Cheri had called to check on me and see how I was doing and she told me that she had this vision of me looking in the mirror and I saw my father.  The mirror was warped and she said it was like I was looking into the past.  Anyway, so when Sue prayed that she didn't even know  Cheri and I's conversation. 

After that I just felt set free.  When she had set the part about being myself I thought, "I don't even know who that is anymore", but after she had prayed I felt like myself.  I felt carefree and happy.  Honestly, I felt like a child.

The past couple of days have been better.  I haven't had the negative thoughts and that is HUGE.  I am enjoying my children in a new way.  I look forward to this journey and I see my part in it now.

Thanks for letting me share all this and not being critical.  That was one of my fears...is being judged.  Thank you for your comments.  They are very much appreciated.  God bless you!

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• Mar. 17, 2006
The rest of my testimony

When I was at the Psychiatric hospital my dad came and said that he wanted to disown me so the hospital provided a lawyer for me and  at the first meeting she mentioned an alternative of having me go live at a Girls Ranch.  It was a christian group home/orphanage for girls.  I said yes.  I had to be interviewed and accepted.  After my interview, all of the staff members at the psychiatric hospital called the ranch on my behalf.  I was the fastest any girl had ever gotten accepted to the Girls Ranch.

My first month there felt like I had run away from home.  I felt so safe and free.  It was a wonderful place.  Each of us girls had our own horse and along with that the responsibilities of taking care of it.  We had lots of chores, but it was easy.

I didn't speak for the first week.  At the end of the first week my housemom was sitting on my bed trying to talk to me.  I will never forget what she said, "Even though you don't have an earthly father that loves you, you  have a heavenly father that loves you."  She then proceeded to tell me about Jesus and how He had died for my sins.  I recognized Him instantly.  I have  never heard this song, but some of my friends that know my testimony say that this song reminds them of me.

Little Girl
by John Michael Montgomery

Her parents never took the young girl to church...
Never spoke of His name...
Never read her his word...
Two non-believers walking lost in this world...
Took their baby with them, what a sad little girl...

Her daddy drank all day and mommy did drugs...
Never wanted to play or give kisses and hugs...
She'd watch the tv and sit there on the couch...
While her mom fell asleep and her daddy went out...

And the drinking and the fighting...
Just got worse every night...
Behind their couch she'd be hiding...
Oh what a sad little life...

And like it always does, the bad just got worse...
With every slap and every curse...
Until her daddy in a drunk rage one night...
Used a gun on her mom and then took his life...

And some people from the city took the girl far away...
To a new mom and a new dad, kisses and hugs everyday...

Her first day of Sunday School...
Her teacher walked in...
And a small little girl starred at a picture of Him...
She said I know that man up there on that cross...
I don’t know His name but I know he got off...
Cause he was there in my old house...
And held me close to his side...
As I hid there behind our couch...
The night that my parents died.

I gave my life to Jesus on that bed and God became my father. 

I was good all through high school.

I met my mother when I was 17.  She was not on drugs at the time, that I know of and she was living in an apartment with my half brother.  I was there for two weeks and it was horrible.  She was crazy.  She would ask me about girlfriends my dad had had while I was growing up.  She shoplifted clothes and tried to give them to me as presents.  I couldn't take them.  When it was time for me to leave she flipped out on me.  She locked me in her house (the dead bolt locked with a key from the inside) and yelled at me endlessly.  I just remember my back was against the wall and I have never shook like that in my life.  After she went to bed I snuck out the window and got a ride to the airport from her neighbor.  A few years after that I heard that my mother was back on the streets.  Right now she is running from the law.

Then I went to college.  I was all on my own.  That was the first time I drank.  I ended up drinking almost every night my whole first semester, but that was enough to make me realize that I didn't want to drink.  I met my husband a few years later and we got married right away.  I have had an AWESOME marriage.

I never dreamt of having kids, so when I got pregnant it was quite a surprise and I was terrified.  I was so scared that I wouldn't love them like a mother should.  But all of those fears were washed away when I gave birth to my first son.  I have never loved so intensely.

After son #3 I had post partum depression as you all already know.  And for the past year God has definitely been starting a healing in me.  I have been rejecting it because I felt like my life has been fine for the past 10  years so why should I have to deal with my childhood now.  The past few weeks I have had a lot of revelations. 

1.  I have felt fine because I totally detached myself from that little girl
2.  God wants to reparent me
3.  Since I didn't have siblings, whenever my boys fight I think I am 
     failing as a mother because I don't know what normal sibling
     relationships are like.
4.  My dad planted so many bad seeds in me that "life would be better
    without me" and "I am ruining his life" so that is why I think my
    boys and husand would be better off without me and that I am
    ruining their lives.

This past Tuesday I had totally convinced myself of these things in #4.  I started writing good-bye letters in my head.  I started to get a notebook to actually write them but I stopped myself.  I went into my room and bawled. 

This was huge for me because I never cried growing up.  I wasn't allowed to cry when I lived with my father.  I never needed to cry when I lived at the Girls Ranch.  I cried for the first time after my husband and I were engaged.  I cried for hours with Eric right beside me.  I have not really cried much since then and its been 9 years. 

For the past 3 weeks I have had tears start coming out at the weirdest times and places.  I had told my husband this past Saturday that I feel like I have a dam blocking my tears and the dam is cracking and tears keep trickling out.  It feels like the dam is going to break soon.

The next morning at church someone had shared a vision that they had for our city.  She looked out at the desert and it cracked, but then God brought water up through the cracks and new growth occurred.  And the new growth blessed other people.  Right away I felt like God was speaking to me through that.  That my tears were the Holy Spirit's water cleansing and growing new things to bless others.  That morning I accepted the healing that God is trying to do in my life.  I always feel like running and after I accepted God's healing we sang the song "Blessed Be the name of the Lord" and one part says

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Well, I sang "Stay" instead of "say" and God told me "I want you to stay".  That sounds little but it was huge.

Wednesday night I went to a new bible study at our church.  This was the second time that I had been.  The topic happened to be on depression.  One woman said, "You have to make a choice not to be depressed.  You choose."  I felt like throwing up and leaving.  Then the leader countered her and said, "sometimes God has some healing to do in that person and he has to take them down a path before they can even get to a place where they can choose."  That made me feel better.

I was feeling like, "why did I come tonight?"  At the end we were each handed a cup with soil and some seeds to plant.  We had to say a positive thing about ourself and the seed represented that.  It took everything I had, but I said it out loud "I am trusting in God to heal me and believing that I am a good mother."  Then the lady sitting next to me who had also made the earlier comment turned to me and said, "Oh are you the worst mother too?".  My friend sitting on the other side of me who is a Titus 2 woman in my life leaned over and said, "furthest thing from it".

Then we prayed and as I was gathering my things the leader came over to me and said that God had given her a word for me.

I am going to have to write about this later because I need to get my journal so I can write almost exactly what she told me.

God is definitely doing some awesome things through this.

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• Mar. 13, 2006
My Testimony

This has been a long time in coming, but I think it will help if I write it ALL out since God is in the process of healing me from things from my childhood.

My mother was 14 years old when she left home and moved to California.  She entered into a crazy world of drugs and prostitution.  That is where she met my father.  My father was 22 years old and in the navy.  Getting prostitutes was a way of life for him.  My father was my mother's "regular customer".  She came to him and told him that she was pregnant and that he was the father.  He laughed at her in disbelief.  How could she know that "he" was the father since she was a prostitute?  That is when she told him that he was her ONLY customer.  He didn't believe her and tried to convince her to have an abortion.  She refused.

When I was born there was no mistaking.  I was my father's child.  I look exactly like him and nothing like my mother.  They got married three weeks later.  Three months after that my mother left my father and me. 

My father was very into drugs and so were his friends.  My first memory of a sexual encounter with one of his friends was when I was three years old.  Years later, my father revealed to me that many of his friends sexually abused me from the time I was an infant. 

Through the years his drugs and alcohol problem got worse.  He had a violent temper.  Every time a girlfriend broke up with him he would drive head on into her car while she was driving it.  I have three memories of this. 

From the time I was 4 years old my father left me at home alone.  He had arranged for the school secretary to pick me up for school and drop me off after school.  Sometimes he wouldn't come home for days.  There was rarely food in the house.  I remember sneaking into the hot lunch line after the cashier many times.  I also would take food off the top of the trash that kids would throw away.  I never got caught.

By fourth grade my father started physically abusing me.  The verbal/emotional abuse I had been going through for years.  I actually enjoyed being home by myself because everytime my father came home he was in a rage.

The beatings got severe enough for someone to finally report him and the state took me away for 1 week.  Then they gave me back because he signed a contract to go to AA meetings and parenting classes.  I don't remember how long that lasted.

This happened a few times.  When I was in 6th grade I started running away.  The second time I ran away my dad put me in a children's psychiatric hospital.  I LOVED IT!  I felt so safe. There were other kids there to play with, I got three meals a day.  I felt like I had a normal life. The staff there was wonderful.  I was there for three months and then my dad's insurance ran out.  I will never forget when he came to get me--he looked so mad and he had had such a great summer the last thing he wanted to do was bring me home. 

Luckily, there was an outpatient program that I got to go there every day for half the day.  And it was in walking distance from my house.  I had been at home for about a month when the abuse started again, but the violence had changed.  Now each time it seemed like he wanted me to die. He would strangle me, throw me across rooms into walls and scream profanities at me. 

It was clear that he wanted me dead.  That his life would be better off without me.  He also told me that he never wanted kids and if he did ever have a kid he wanted it to be a boy.

I decided that I would be better off if I was dead.  I couldn't live like this anymore.  I had a friend that I walked with to the outpatient program everyday.  She was diabetic so she had regular dr appointments.  I decided that on the day of her next dr appt would be the day.  That day came and I locked all of the doors.  We had a rod iron door and our front door had 2 locks.  I made sure they were locked.  I went to my dad's medicine cabinet and got out every pill bottle I could find and I took them all, laid down on my bed and waited to die. 

The next thing I know my friend who was supposed to be ath the dr's office is standing at my bed yelling at me and then calling 911.

I asked her later how she knew I was home and how did she get in the house and she said that she had gone to the school and I wasn't there so she left and walked to my house.  When she got to my house she said the doors were wide open.  Not just unlocked, but wide open.  Is that God or what?

The ambulance took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach and then they put me back into the Children's Psychiatric hospital.

I am going to have to finish this later because my baby just woke up.

To be continued...

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• Mar. 10, 2006
How well do you know me?

For instance, did you know...
 
Four jobs I have had in my life that most wouldn't know about:
1. File Clerk at NM State Penitentary for 1 month--I filed  the escape convicts files and I kept thinking that I saw them all over town so I asked for a transfer!
2. Concession stand at the movie theatre
3. Clinic Secretary at a Dialysis Clinic
4. Editor of the Alumni magazine at ENMU
 
Four movies I would watch over and over:
1.  Spitfire Grill
2.  Girls Just Want To Have Fun
3.  Footloose
4.  Ever After

Four places I have lived:
1. Albuquerque, NM
2.  Girls Ranch
3.  Portales, NM
4.  Ridgecrest, California

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. The Amazing Race
2. Survivor
3. The Backyardigans
4. Little Einsteins
 
Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Durango, Colorado
2  Austin, TX
3. Portland, OR
4. Durant, OK
 
Four websites I visit almost daily:
1. Email
2. My online diary
3. Bank account
 
 Four of my favorite foods:
1.  Enchiladas
2.  Tacos
3. Chicken Sausage
4.  Fruit

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Colorado
2.  New Mexico
3.  On a honeymoon (we never took one)
4.  Camping

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• Mar. 6, 2006
It was a hit

Game night was a blast!  We have 20 people here including kids.  The kids did great and we had three different groups playing different board games.  I think next time we might do a big group game of pictionary.  It was so great.  It started at 6 and people started leaving at 9 and Eric and I were in bed by 9:45.  It was amazing.  We got to know our neighbors better so that was neat. 

On a different note, I didn't write about this on Friday because I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but by the end of the day on Thursday I was having suicidal thoughts and it came in the form of "They (Eric and the boys) would be better off without me."  Well, I think that that seed was planted in me when I was still in my mother's womb.  My dad wanted my mom to have an abortion and through my childhood my dad made it clear how I had ruined his life.  I started praying to God, "I want to live God and I don't want to have these thoughts.  Please give me practical solutions to keep me from getting to this point."  I heard Him say, "Call Jodi"  Okay, so Jodi  is my bible study leader of this women's bible study I have started going to this past month so I have been around this woman a total of 4 times. 

If you knew me you would know that I am a VERY private person.  I don't blab my stuff to people.  I told God, "NO WAY!"  God said again, "Call Jodi".  I went back and forth with God and I decided what did I have to lose so I called her and asked if I could come over (That alone was hard) and she said yes.

When I got there I told her right off the bat what was going on and that I didn't want to call her.  She started sharing her history with me and her mom had left her when she was a child as well (my mom left when I was three months old) and she dealt with a lot of the same feelings I did when she was raising her children.  She has five children and they are all grown.  She gave me practical solutions to help me through my day.  The first being having my children have a quiet time since they have outgrown naps.  I thought it was going to be a battle, but I have done it for the past three days and Eli has gone to sleep and Grant just reads for an hour and then he comes out and he can play quietly.  And of course this is all during Sawyer's naptime so it is great. 

The second thing was after dinner that I need to take a walk by myself.  Immediately I said, "My family would love to take a walk" and Jodi said, "No, you need to take a walk by yourself and then you can pick your family up and walk with them."  So I have been walking and it has been wonderful.

The other thing we figured out was because I didn't have any siblings I don't know what normal sibling life is like and everytime my boys fight I blame myself, "I'm a bad mom.  I'm not doing anything right or else they wouldn't be fighting like this."

So now I am not blaming myself, or at least I am trying not to.  I think things are turning around.  We will see how this week goes. 

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• Mar. 3, 2006
Tea Time

Things have been going pretty good.  I have started having a tea time with my two older boys in the afternoon.  After we drink our tea I read a poem out of "A Child's Garden of Verses" and my boys color a page out of the coloring book that goes with it http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0486234819/sr=8-1/qid=1141403233/ref=sr_1_1/102-9245881-3372117?%5Fencoding=UTF8
They LOVE it!  They ask for tea time all of the time.  The other one we do is "Our 24 Family Ways"  ( www.wholeheart.org) and they have coloring books as well.
We are about to plant some zinnias because I read that they attract alot of butterflies.  We have been having nature walks in our backyard and finding ladybugs and catepillars.  We put up a hummingbird feeder and we are going to build a birdhouse.  I want to get a birdbath as well.  This is my favorite time of the year. 

So before you start thinking that my life sounds perfect, it's not.  We have our struggles.  My two oldest boys are best friends but they know how to push each other's buttons.

I am exhausted from constantly correcting and teaching the right way to react and what to say.  Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Why put in all the effort everyday, but EVERYTIME I seriously feel like giving up, God show's me the fruit of my labor. 

We are starting to have a game night at our house once a month.  We invited a few people from church and playgroup and the local homeschool group.  Tonight is the first night and I am so excited!  I love playing games!  We want the boys to have those memories of fun and fellowship as they grow up.

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• Feb. 21, 2006
Toasty

We are finished moving into our house.  It was a pretty easy move since we gave ourselves 2 weeks to do it.  Plus we have been painting.  I picked the color "toasted nutmeg"  for 2 walls of the living room.  It was supposed to be a brownish color with a hint of a pink tone.  But it is PINK...okay, okay it's mauve, but it is definitely more pink than brown.  So we are painting our bookshelves a dark chocolate brown.  I will take pictures when we are finished.  The other walls we are painting "toasted wheat".  I guess I like the "toasted" colors! :)   

I am doing my dining room in americana colors.  I like americana style but not flags or anything that says "Liberty" because my name is Liberty!  I love the colors though.  My mother-in-law used to buy me things that had my name on it all of the time.  The worst was she got me a pillow for my bed that said "Sweet Land of Liberty".  My husband got a kick out of that!  I don't think I have that pillow anymore.

Sawyer is sick this morning.  He has thrown up 4 times.  We think he is allergic to dairy.  I am really thinking of weaning him off the formula because he has had nothing but problems.  We had just never used bottles before so I don't know how to wean him off the bottle.

I better go.  Sawyer just woke up!

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• Feb. 3, 2006
I can't believe it!

I only had 2 Pampered Chef shows in January and I made $200 in commission!  It was too easy!  Yay!  I have my new website now so if anyone wants to do an online catalog show or just place an order you can.  You can even sign up to be a consultant.  I can't believe how easy and great this is!  Everyone loves Pampered Chef!  My goal is to sell $20,000 this year...that would be $4,000+ in commission plus I earn a $250 gift certificate that can go towards a hundred different vendors.  God is blessing this SO much.

I am also going to start selling Arbonne because I love all of their products because they are all natural. 

Here is my website  www.pamperedchef.biz/liberty

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• Jan. 24, 2006
Wow!

I can't believe how good my Pampered Chef business is doing.  I am so excited and it is so easy and fun!  I am going to have a website soon and people can have e-shows or just place individual orders which will be great since all of our family lives so far away!

Also, we are moving into a house next week.  We are just renting but with my income with Pampered Chef we will be able to rent a house and still work on paying off our medical bills.  Woo-hoo!

Things are going so great so of course we are being spiritually attacked but God dealt with me on that yesterday...

God dealt with me on fear.  In Job 3:25 Job says "For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me, and what I dreaded has happened to me."

God really spoke to my life with this verse and He said that the reason Satan can attack us is through our fears.  Fear is not from the Lord  and we all have fears in our life and that is how Satan is getting in.  We already have victory in Christ so we have no reason to fear, but Satan has deceived us to think that we have every reason to fear.  We just need to trust in God COMPLETELY so I am. :)

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