Walking Therein

Shame and Discipline

Excerpt from Mama, We've Got Ourselves A Selfish Little Girl Here

[EDIT: ADDED] Of course, right now a lot of you reading this are thinking, “Well, from a Christian perspective, you ARE bad. There’s no one righteous, no not one.” That’s not the kind of bad I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind of thinking you’re bad that causes you to believe deep down inside that you don’t matter, you’re worthless, you don’t deserve to be here, you don’t deserve to be loved, and there is some external standard that you are supposed to live up to that no matter what you do, you’ll never be good enough, never measure up. It’s a combination of shame and performance mentality.

"But the worst thing about shame if you’re a Christian is that you tend to think that God has the same feelings about you that you have about yourself. This creates a huge problem. How in the world are you supposed to have a deep, intimate relationship with a God you think has written you off as worthless and unloveable?

As John Bradshaw says, "When I feel guilt, I feel that I have made a mistake, and when I feel shame, I feel that I am a mistake." How can you believe God loves you if you feel like you're a mistake?

Shame takes six common forms and does not have to be blatant like the Red Lobster incident. In fact, it can be more damaging when it's subtle because then it's not obvious what is happening, so our defenses are down.

The six common forms of shame are:
1. The put-down: "You naughty boy!", "You're acting like a spoiled child!", "You selfish brat!", "You cry-baby!" "You're mean!" "Rug rat"
2. Moralizing: "Good little boys don't act that way" "You've been a bad little girl" “God isn’t pleased when you act that way” “Angels are crying right now because of what you’ve done”
3. Age-based expectations: "Grow up!" "Stop acting like a baby!" "Big boys don't cry ” "You're 10 years old--you should be able to do this by now""
4. Gender-based expectations: "Toughen-up and take it like a man!" "Don't be a sissy!" “Stop being so emotional!” “Don’t be such a silly girl”
5. Competency-based expectations: "You're hopeless!" “You’ll never be good at anything” "You should be able to do this math by yourself " "You should know better than that" "Any idiot could have figured that out"
6. Comparisons: "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" "None of the other children are acting like you are" "You're not as _____as your sister (brother) "

Shame not only makes us feel like we intrinsically have no value, but it also gives us a distorted perception of what love really is. Why? Because the people who shame us the most tend to be the people who tell us they love us. So we get mixed messages about love. On the one hand we are told we are loved, but on the other we are made to feel like we are not worthy of love."

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10:04 AM, Wednesday, January 16, 2008 .. Posted by pureandsensible

Great post! I really need to ease up on the "sternness" and perhaps "smile" more when I discipline. I have a 9 year old boy that seems to be entering a "stage" requiring a "different" form of discipline than I've been giving and much different from my girls, too. I'm not sure exactly what that is yet...I am seeking God's wisdom in this area. Thanks for sharing!

Leinani
www.heartofwisdom.com/PUREANDSENSIBLE/

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1:20 PM, Wednesday, January 16, 2008 .. Posted by quietcajun

I am guilty of many of those forms of criticism... especially the "act your age" one! Thank-you for the timely reminder!

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1:46 PM, Wednesday, January 16, 2008 .. Posted by Sisterlisa

Last night the revival preacher spoke on this topic of discipline. It was wonderful. Thanks Jacque.

Humbling

8:46 PM, Wednesday, January 16, 2008 .. Posted by ichuzchrist

That really makes me stop and think. Looking back, I see that in my childhood as well, and some of those things have carried into my mothering. Thanks for the reminder.

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7:43 AM, Thursday, January 17, 2008 .. Posted by Vicki

Wow! Great post...although it has led me to do some rather unpleasent (but needed) thinking!!!

I remember hearing many of these things as a child, and I unfortunetely have carried them over into my own parenting...

I can not say how many times I've said "grow up" or "act your age"...Not to mention ones like “God isn’t pleased when you act that way”

Although I have to wonder, and would like your thoughts on this...Aren't we right to remind our children that God doesn't like lying, or stealing, or disobedience? When I've found that my girls have lied to me, or disobeyed me, I've thought it was the perfect time to remind them that God does not want us to do those things...Am I misguided?

*HUGS* & *LOVE* my friend!! ttys I hope!!

Vicki
www.prairierosesamongthorns.com/vblog

Vicki-

6:18 PM, Thursday, January 17, 2008 .. Posted by JacqueDixonSoulRestES

Yes, that is the perfect time to remind them of God's Word. I think the article addressed this exact issue. Follow the link and read what the author said about that. (Though I am adding it to the post)
A lot has to do with love. Are we administering love as we speak to them about God's Word or are we trying to make them feel like they have to do it for ANY other reason? Are we trying to make them feel like they missed the mark and better shape up?
I think, considering most of us were trained in the "shaming" manner, it is something that we don't understand, and only the love of God and the fruit of the Holy Spirit will overcome what we have learned.
I have spoken before of "pushing out the sinfulness" by planting the Word in our children, and I believe that teaching and being pro-active, rather than re-active is the answer.
Believe me, this is a long path, and thank God He is there as we walk.
Blessings, J

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12:10 AM, Friday, January 18, 2008 .. Posted by curiouscat

Yikes! Yes a good reminder for sure. I can recall feeling the same as the author, and it does still linger in my adult life.... :( I'll have to watch my thoughts so I don't say anything shaming. Thanks for posting.

hugs
Denise

where is the post about showing our personal reading booklist for the year? I finally have a picture but lost the info.