Warning:  This is a true story.  It may be traumatic for some to read.  If you are a bugs-rights activist, or if you are terrified of cockroaches the size of a small dog, you may want to stop reading here and check back another day.

It was about 11:00 in the morning, a humid and sticky day in southwest Florida.  We were waiting for a friend to come over, and aside from the floor being recently vacuumed, things were normal.  Suddenly, R let out an ear-piercing scream.  I don't mean a little girly squeal, I mean she screamed as though her brother were cutting the head off of her Teddy Bear. 

I turned around and saw her, completely white, shaking, and perched on top of an antique end table, which was buckling under her weight.  J came into the room and saw it before I did:  a palmetto bug in our living room, right by the front door. 

In case you don't know, a palmetto bug is a type of winged cockroach approximately the size of a Volkswagon Beetle that is very prevalent in Florida.  We usually see about a couple per month, and they are almost always in the laundry room.  When I see them in the laundry room, I typically slam the door (with or without screaming) and refuse to do laundry until Dad comes home and takes care of it.   

So I immediately called Dad to find out what time he was coming home for lunch.  I thought that if it were soon, we could just keep a good eye on the bug and tell him where it was when he came in.  He couldn't hear me, though, over the kids' screams.  He asked what happened (with a note of panic in his voice) and I told him.  He informed me, in no uncertain terms, that it was unacceptable to let the children continue to shriek in terror for an hour. 

I saw that I had to take matters into my own hands.  The dog palmetto bug was climbing up and down the window screen.  The kids were perched on the back of the couch (I moved R for fear of her breaking the table).  I told them to watch the bug, and I ran for the broom.  When I came out, it was still on the window, and I decided that using the broom to smash the bug might also smash the window, and then more bugs could walk/hop/fly in, so that was not an option.  Up and down, our uninvited guest walked the window screen, laughing at me.

Finally, he came down and meandered to the center of the room.  The screaming reached an all time high.  I raised the broom above my head, let out a loud "HI-YAH!" and whacked it again and again.  Four or five times, I hit it as hard as I could.  The cockroach laid on its back, not moving.  I did not detect breathing or heart tones, and I pronounced it dead.  I used the broom to unceremoniously sweep him out the front door into grass.

About five minutes later, I glanced out and saw him WALKING on the grass.  Palmetto bugs must have nine lives, like a cat!  He was walking kind of parallel to the house, and I was afraid that he might decide to come back in (perhaps this time bringing a friend or two!), so I knew that more drastic measures had to be taken.  I looked in the bathroom and found the only aerosol can in the house, which was apple-cinnamon air freshener.  There are warnings on the can about not inhaling the contents, so I assumed that perhaps it would be toxic to huge beetles.

I went outside (fully expecting to see police cruisers, after all of the screaming, but none ever arrived) and sprayed it for a few seconds.  He sneezed twice and then turned away from the house and casually strolled away.  My guess is that he went across the street and moved in with my elderly neighbor and her dog.  Next time I see her, I will see if she mentions an apple-cinnamon-scented palmetto bug.

When my friend arrived, she suggested investing in a can of Raid.  Really, though, if five hard whacks with a broom and a bath in air freshener did nothing to incapacitate the bug, do you think Raid would work?  I have my doubts, I really do.

But I did it!  I killed injured got rid of my first palmetto bug!  I hope never to have to do it again, but I'm prepared to go to battle again if necessary. 

TGIF is all I can say!