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I am ever amazed at the beautiful candor and realness of Beth Moore. This weekend I had the opportunity to be apart of her North America simucast event. WOW! As always. The more I read her stuff and hear her lessons, the more REAL I get about my Christian walk. She's not just inspiring, she's informative, instructive. She's not all that fluff and lovey teaching. She's up in your face, get a grip, get with it girl, LIVE IN VICTORY teaching! Praise the Lord 'cause that's just what I need. I was so "glad", if you will, to hear that I'm not the only crazy batty woman dealing with the issues of life. Sometimes being a stay at home, homeschooling mom, I get this unreal idea that I'm the only one dealing with these things. HOW UNTRUE! And how sneaky and underhanded of my enemy to use my circumstances to bring me down. Using my relative isolation to make me "feel" isolated. Any of you know what I'm talking about?! Well, I say to him who seeks to destory me... POO to you enemy of mine! FOR I KNOW IN CHRIST I HAVE THE VICTORY! He is THE ROCK OF ME. I can't wait to read her book Out of the Pit. For I am now at a place where I want deliverance. I know that there IS more to life. There IS purpose, direction, a life abundantly fruitful for me and all willing to take the HAND OF GOD. (Psalm 18) Oh, the joy of having hope. Letting go of the fear and uncertainty and taking hold to that which Christ has made for me. Letting go of the false images of Being all together and falling before the throne of God to deliver me from the pits that hold me down, smoothered, unable do His work. I praise You LORD from the deepest part of my being for Your unfailing love. For you alone can rescue me- and NEVER do you fail to do so. My bones ached with doubt and fear, But in Your Abundant Mercy you reached down to set my feet upon solid ground. Into Your waiting embrace, where my bones can now leap for joy! For You are my DELIVERER. |
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Upon the golden hue of the day, I fall.
On the smoke that does rise, I fall.
My eyes to red and yellow, I fall.
Into the crunch of foliage, I fall.
The early dusk and shadow long, I fall.
The children sleep more easily.
I rest upon the promise of rebirth,
as silently the world around me slowly slips to death.
It's beauty does capture, I fall.
My breathe comes to life, I fall.
Out in the vast universe, I fall.
Into the arms of The Creator, I fall.
Oh, the bliss to Fall. |
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I stand at the treshhold. The opening to a new room. I look into the room where a light shines allowing for view of all the room ... no corner left unseen. I look back in the room where I now live where a faint candle glows only revealing that which steps into it's yellow circle. Many dark shadows live in that room. Secret places of unforgiveness, bitterness, selfishness, and regret. Dare I step into my new room? It frightens me to let all be seen. My days of complete nothingness. Days when I want to hide myself in some forgotten1950's film noir romance. Days when I hate who I am and the life I have created. Days when I want to run so far.After all, I am the "Wonder Mother". The "One Always in Control". The "Amazing", the "Blessed".............. I feel guilty when I'm Not the perfect thing everyone thinks I am. I fear their judgement should they know the truth about the "Not So In Control" moments of crying and want. The insecurity grips at my soul. I was not made with a spirit of fear and timidity. But I have allowed myself to live in that room. Now.. do I step out into God's grace and allow all to see my face. The face God gave me. Prefect in it's mission, it's purpose without hiding for fear, but in confession and mercy. To know the strenghth given to those willing to admit they are weak. Will I step into the light?
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We're beginning a long awaited journey. A new home. Construction is under way. I'm excited yet a bit unnerved. I don't particuliarly like new things. I enjoy the occasional interruption in the mundane- but a brand new place, people, community. I remember moving where we live now and all the fear of the unknown. No one real close by for emergencies. Unknown neighbors and their dogs. But before too long the Lord introduced us to some wonderful people. Now.... Completion of our house is way off but the anticipation rises as each new step is finished. The Lord has always provided for us without asking. We have a quiet confidence. We question only what we should do with His blessings. Take nothing for granted. Use what is given to His glory. Praise Him for His Faithfulness on the undeserving. The Lord has put before me on many occasions this past summer to "store up my treasures in heaven". I realize how unecessary so much of what we have really is. Those things that truly are treasures I want to hold and rock and giggle with. We've had four children added to our crew since we moved here. They know no other home. We have no other home connection associated to them. For some reason the thought of leaving someday makes me sad for them. All my growing up memories are from one place. We moved when I was less than two. There's something very strange about this home then that home. I'm sure many more wonderful memories will be made at our new home. But there will always be the other home where we camped in the backyard, built the porch railing, brought home new babies,caught the squirrel in the den... My oldest son remembers our first tiny home. He often asked to go and see the "old" home place. Does it shake their foundation or do they just think it's the coolest thing ever to be moving to a new house?
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Yesterday, the neighbor's dog was struck on the highway and died. My oldest son walked the dog during the week for them for about two years. They don't have any children and took it particularly hard. This morning during my walk, I noticed the difference. Thier dog would run back and forth in their yard as I walked by, glad to see someone else out that early. Today, no one ran to say good morning. I wondered what it was like behind the closed front door. (It's always open by the time I head out.) I wondered what it was like to see the chewy toys and water bowl. It brought back the devastating feelings I had this past winter when a very close friend lost her 2yr old son. How it must crush you to see all the things that remind you something's missing. I've never really experienced having to wake up to things being different this way. New chapters for me have always been adding on, a husband, a child, another child. and another and some more...But to have something gone, I just can't fathom. I'm thankful I have the assurance that God can and does fill the empty place with His love and grace. |
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Today we dropped all our morning plans to go dig potatoes. I could feel that anxious feeling welling up. All of the best laid plans... I suppose the threat of rain on a field of potatoes is more important than things that could be done at anytime. After all that's why we've choosen this lifestlye- to have the freedom to go when needed. To be able to leave it all behind and go play in the dirt. The boys had a great time. What boy wouldn't? To be in a giant field af rich red Virginia dirt and ordered to go dig in it. Thank you Lord for Potatoes! |