February 16th, 2009

Dear Sir:

     Contrary to popular opinion, and the statement in your last business letter, I am not one of Santa’s little elves. Not meaning any disrespect, but it bothers me when people assume so. My name is Kasimir, and standing at 6’ 5”, I am one of Santa’s tallest elves. People who find out who my employer is tend to go by clichéd rumors. Maybe I’m touchy, but it really gets to me. Not that it has anything to do with the business at hand.

     Our factory is much smaller, income-wise, than most people suppose. I admit that this year we have been slightly disorganized; we’re having a little trouble keeping up with the times.

     Probably our biggest change this past year has been viewed as a somewhat extravagant expenditure, but is one we consider absolutely neccesary: bodyguards for Santa on Christmas Eve. This was not a hasty descision to make, whether or not the reports you seem to have heard agree. This was, as I have already stated, absolutely neccesary. His life has been threatened at least a dozen times just in the month before Christmas last year.

     Apparently he has become too controversial to appear in public without some form of security. Everyone is angry:

-          The ACLU insists he should switch from “Merry Christmas to all…”etc., to “Happy Holidays…” so as not to violate anyone’s religious rights

-          The ASPCA issued a statement that, “[Santa] is a figure that saddens…”, and the PETA sent a number of threats because he uses reindeer to pull his sleigh

-          Hillary Clinton almost had a heart attack during a phone interview with Santa when he stated he would continue to pass out switches to naughty boys and girls

-          Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler each blame Santa for their problems, saying his example in using a sleigh instead of a new car has crippled them financially by turning away potential customers

-          Al Gore has led a crusade against Santa because Santa gives out coal to naughty children instead of a renewable energy source

-          “The New York Times” issued a report with unverified studies claiming that the ozone hole is directly linked to our activity on the North Pole’s ice caps

-          Wall Street almost universally blames the sagging economy on Santa’s factory, claiming he draws jobs out of the USA

-          Washington D.C. senators have been quoted as saying that, “[i]t is people like Santa Claus [who live too long] that are causing the Social Security system to crumble…”

-          Six different fast-food chains are passing the buck to Santa when they get lawsuits about overweight patrons, claiming that Santa’s portly figure is the example that causes people to eat too much in imitation of him, rather than their food

-          Cigarette companies cite him, in the same vein, as the bad example with his pipe that causes people to smoke, rather than their misleading ads

-          Santa is also indirectly blamed for the Iraq War, because he did not leave Bush a lump of coal as a warning on Christmas 2001.

     As you can see, this was an absolutely neccesary change for the one night the bodyguards were employed. We had no choice; this was not a “frivolous waste of money.” Even though our income is over $200,000 a year, nearly all of that is taken up by our expenses.

     So very respectfully, Mr. Obama, I request that you reconsider our tax dues for this year.

     Sincerely,

Kasimir Sylvan

     Kasimir Sylvan, PR Rep. of Kris Kringle

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