I am not a stranger to having less than those around me. I grew up in a family that often struggled to make ends meet. I almost never had clothes that fit in. Imagine being in 6 and 7th grade and wearing your sister's hand me downs.  Not a big deal right?  My sisters just happened to be 10 and 13 years older than me.  I was literally wearing late 60s clothing in 1979 and 1980. Now we like to call it vintage and retro. Then you could call it misfit. Money was always an issue. What a bother! Lack of money meant not driving until age 18, not going to college, and not participating in activities that my friends and even extended family got to do.

When Steve and I married we were in Bible school. We went to this particular school largely because it was free. We shared a double wide trailer with 8 other girls the first year of our marriage.  The second year, along with two single women, we shared the home of a couple who were on a missionary journey for a year. The third year of our marriage we finally got a modest apartment all to ourselves. By this time we were on staff with a mission organization and raising support. There really wasn't much of it either.  I have a fond memory of emptying our piggy bank to buy a sub sandwich that we were both craving. By God's grace we always had more than we needed. 

My roots were humble.  I learned how to be frugal and how to do fun things on a shoestring. That was just the reality of my life, and really I didn't mind it so much-once I got a bag of super cool hand me downs from a cousin when I was in 8th grade. Due to my lack of money I never thought I had a problem loving it.  I never had it long enough to love it.

Over the years our lives changed.  We never had as much as most of the people we hung out with, but we felt blessed.  God supplied our every need, sometimes in amazing and miraculous ways. We weren't struggling with basic survival. God began to impress upon our heart the desire to give.  We began to increase our giving.  What joy that brought.  It became a passion of mine to figure out how we could live more simply so we could give more. Love money?  Not me!

Enter the present. Following God's leading has meant leaving security of a pay check. It blows my mind to think that God has fully supplied all that we have needed for the last 8 months.  My husband Steve has only been able to earn about 2 months worth. We have felt truly grateful to God for his provision.

I've had this nagging thought in the back of my mind lately. Love money?  How is this possible?  How can you love something you don't have?  How can wanting to pay your bills be wrong? When it becomes your focus.  When you think longingly about having enough more than you think longingly about God.  When it causes unbelief to take root in your heart. I'm not hoping to be rich.  I'm hoping to have enough to pay rent next week.  Am I hoping with the assurance that God who did not spare his own son will freely give us all of these things?  Yes...and no.  It's a fight - but it's a good fight.

If being stripped more than ever means a stripping of the love of money that I didn't know existed then it's good.  If it results in recognizing more than ever complete neediness and dependence on God then it's worth it. If heaven looks brighter, and Christ is more prized then it is a valuable lesson.  How can the clay say to the potter "why did you make me this way?"  How can I question God as to why must we go through this trial if it's what he has deemed necessary?

My 10 year old son came to me today disappointed about something he wasn't going to be able to do in part because of - you guessed it - money.  I talked to him about submitting himself to God's will. I told him that God knows what is best for us and that he has reasons for what he does.  I told him that God is concerned for his glory and our good. I then asked him if his attitude toward the disappointment could bring glory to God.  He said yes.  Now the question is will I practice what I preach? 

Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Hebrews 11:6

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