For as long as I can remember I’ve had a nagging suspicion about God. How can I adequately sum it up in a short blog post when I can see traces of it lurking throughout my life? It’s been a dark shadow behind every joy, and if I were truly honest, a motivator for good behavior. The gist of it is this – I believe that God is out to get me, to teach me a lesson, ready to dole out some sort of tragedy in my life to prove a point to me.
I have experienced pain in life. I’ve walked through dark valleys in my own soul as well as in my circumstances, however, my pain never quite measures up to the pain that I suspect will be inflicted on me when I least expect it. Basically I live with a nagging fear of what might lie just around the corner.
I’m aware of the right answers about the goodness of God, his faithfulness, and my right standing before God because of Jesus. His character always does the right thing, every trial he hands me is for good. So why do I still suspect him to be harsh, angry, and vindictive?
It’s because I am a sinner. At the very core of who I am lies unbelief. I’ve been confessing this to God for years now – it is a besetting sin for me. I know it is wrong and I desire to kill it. God is revealing to me just how serious this sin is. At its core it denies the gospel. It says to me that I must attain to a righteous standard to earn favor with God. It turns me into a legalist who is afraid of one misstep that will bring down wrath and condemnation. How very opposed to everything I’ve been writing about for the last few years that is. It’s shocking to me as I look at it closely.
I should have suspicions but not about God. I should be suspicious of my own heart. Somewhere in the deepest part of me I want to atone for my own sin. God forbid it! I could never really want this - or could I? This is what my sinful nature says when it wants to earn favor (translated in my mind- a pain free existence) with God. It says that maybe if I’m good enough I can avoid hardship. It’s laughable on one hand but actually very serious.
Specifically here is what I should suspect about myself. I desire a pain free existence more than I value Christ. This is a tendency for me, therefore I MUST be about repenting at every little occurrence of this unbelief. I MUST be preaching the gospel to myself. I MUST be trusting in the character of God. I must do this not because God will be more merciful to me if I do but because I will love him more fully if I take pains to eradicate this erroneous belief. The joy I experience in Christ will not have a dark shadow lurking behind it. Oh how I yearn for that.
Christ’s work on the cross for me is done, I’m accepted by God because of it and nothing that happens to me in this life is done to me by God in order to atone for my sin. Everything is done to conform me to the image of his son.
I echo the words of Sam Storms in his book The Hope of Glory when he says:
“ I don’t want to “be my self,” I want to be like Christ. I don’t want to grow into the fullness of who I am but into the fullness of who Christ is."
I don’t want to over analyze why I have these suspicions and embrace the full knowledge of why I am the way I am. I want to eradicate it from my life and move on to be more like Christ. I cry tears of joy this morning because I know God desires this too and by his grace it will happen.
Comments
Aug. 17, 2009 - I'll pray...
Posted by baronsgirl
...as often as the Lord will bring you to mind about this. I cannot relate to all of this struggle. Certainly the pride and the unbelief. But it manifests itself differently in my life than in yours. This must be an awful way to feel. I pray for His gracious and merciful work in your heart to eradicate that suspicion. For freedom in this area. Victory. Faith. (Lord, Joy believes! Help her unbelief!) I'm so thankful for your willingness to share this, because even though it manifests differently in my life, as I said, your post causes me to scrutinize my own heart and ask the Lord what my unbelief looks like each day. It's not pretty, no matter how it shows its ugly head. But I'm glad to know one way I can pray specifically for you and ask our dear Savior to graciously wield His instrument that is sharper than any double-edged sword and penetrate your heart again and again to bring your thinking in line with the Truth of His Word in this area.
I love you, dear friend and Sister!!! Hugs from afar....