It's been over a month since I've posted anything.  I've actually written two different posts (the old fashioned way with pen and paper) but I never got around to typing them up. It just occurred to me yesterday that since my blog is about the cross I'm missing an important opportunity to boast in the cross on this good weekend.  Yesterday was Good Friday - and a good day it was.  It was an opportunity to pause and really reflect on what the cross means for me, to remember all that Jesus endured because of my sin.  Our church holds an excellent Good Friday service and our pastor, Rick Gamache, reads a narrative that he wrote about the crucifixion.  I wanted to post the link so that if you are reading this you can hear it for yourself.  It's only a little over 20 minutes but it will be time well spent as you hear a fresh retelling of the crucifixion.  Here's the link: Crucifixion Narrative

Tomorrow as we celebrate the resurrection of Christ may our hearts be filled with joy over what the death and resurrection of Jesus mean for us. 

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Do I really believe that God can do the impossible?  Do I really get that it doesn’t matter what people look like on the outside or how they act, no one is beyond God’s reach.  Do I remember how dead I was in my transgressions when God saved me?  Do I realize that God’s will cannot be thwarted?  I’ve been reminded of these things lately.

Just today I heard a remarkable testimony of a young woman who is new to our church.  I could identify with much of what she shared.  She had cravings for something to fulfill her and tried to satisfy those cravings through sin.  In her case it involved self-destructive behavior that might be more extreme than other people’s, but in many ways it is the same for us all. As she told her story and humbly shared the depths of where she had been she also shared how God’s sovereign merciful hand had been upon her protecting her from so much danger that could have taken her life.  Then she shared how Jesus rescued her and how she now knows that he is the only one who satisfies.  She told us of the transformation that Christ has done in her life.  From total despair and hopelessness to new life in Christ and hope that goes beyond this life.  What a wonderful savior we have!

I had the privilege to stand up for a good friend in her wedding on Valentines Day. Her story is worth sharing. She was a single mom of 3 who had been married in 1998 and then divorced in 2001. Her ex-husband was a drug addict and con man. He would come back into her life just long enough to get her pregnant and then leave again. This happened twice. But God met him in a county jail and rescued him from darkness.  Now he loves to speak of Jesus and tell anyone who will listen what Christ did for him.  That’s what he did on his wedding day. He seized the opportunity that the microphone afforded him during speech time and shared the gospel with his wedding guests.  One of those people was the brother of my friend. His eyes were opened to the truth and he received God’s gift of salvation too. God is in the very act of restoring my friend’s family, beginning with her marriage and extending to other family members.  What a wonderful savior we have!

Who do I write off in my life?  Could it be my feminist, liberal niece or my sister who tolerates my faith but doesn’t accept it?  What about my neighbors who are good people and don’t see their need for Christ?  Jesus Christ meets our deepest needs and he is able to save anyone.  He saved me.

I was self-centered and following the ways of the world.  I took my cues from those around me about how I should act and think. I cared more about what the outside of me looked like than the inside. I was desperate for acceptance. I thought finding acceptance with guys would make me happy but instead all I ended up with was a pregnancy and subsequent abortion. Then the guilt overwhelmed me. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved me, even when I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ – by grace I have been saved. (Eph 2:4-5)

That same grace is still available today. This same God has a plan even for those who seem like they could care less about him.  No corner is too dark, no pit to deep for the love of Christ to penetrate. It does us good to think about who we were and what we are now because of Christ.

Someday when I get a little more technologically savvy I’ll put music on my blog.  For now writing lyrics will have to suffice.  This song encouraged me this morning. I hope its words will encourage you as well as you glory in your redeemer.


I WILL GLORY IN MY REDEEMER
Steve & Vikki Cook
VERSE 1
I will glory in my redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
 And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness.
 
VERSE 2
I will glory in my redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone.
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace 
 
VERSE 3
I will glory in my redeemer
Who carries me on eagle’s wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I’ll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold

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When I began this blog, and even since then, I have wrestled with the question of why I should do this. Am I seeking some sort of glory from it? I have examined my motives many times and that’s probably not a bad thing.

I can’t even remember exactly what I was thinking on the day I chose the title and theme for this blog. It was born out of something God was doing in me. I enjoy reading other people’s blogs. I read some that are about being a godly woman, a wise manager of my home and resources, homeschooling, art, current events and trends, and some that recommend lots of good books. There have been a few times that I’ve chaffed under my own restriction. Can’t I just post a recipe this week? Does it always have to be the theme of how Jesus work on the cross affects real life and real emotions? Just because I write only about the cross doesn’t make me more spiritual than the person who gives cleaning tips. I’m thankful for those kinds of things. This morning I see a little more clearly why this blog is what it is.

In a previous post I confessed my Pride. It’s still alive and kicking and it’s rebelling a bit under the thought of writing yet another post about my own failures. That knowledge helped me see why this blog theme is so important for me. It is for my own humility. It is because I quickly forget the power of the cross. I easily make light of the gospel. I struggle to see how Jesus can help me when I feel waist deep in the mire of sin and the plain old difficulty of life. I rebel against the truth and would rather wallow in lies sometimes. Yesterday was one such day.

For the sake of brevity I will try to set the stage quickly. I often allow feelings of inferiority to creep into my mind. I fall prey to the sin of comparing myself to others. I know in my mind that this is yet another form or pride. It’s a desire to be superior or at least equal. It’s letting others define my worth rather than God. So, take a week of little replays in my mind of interactions with others and a voice in my head summing things up as, “yup, you’re and idiot.”

Add to that a couple heaping tablespoons of anxiousness. In particular dread of how I am ruining my children’s lives and education. (Thoughts in complete opposition to what God has been teaching me in this area.)

Stir these together and throw in a pinch of conflict. An assignment not completed by a child becomes and attack on my authority. An expression in their face is perceived as rebellion.

If you take those things together you’ll end up with a mom sobbing in her prayer closet as she stews and despairs. Suddenly my nose became a faucet and I seemed unable to break out of the self-pity and feelings of helplessness. The result is one defeated servant of Christ. (Hey, I guess I did get to share a recipe after all.) After almost an hour of sniveling and about 20 minutes with my husband on the phone I emerged from my closet, blew my nose a few more times and went upstairs to make lunch.

What happened exactly? I don’t know. My husband said several helpful things but the one that stands out is this: “There is no victory apart from Christ.” He even repeated it, “there is absolutely no victory at all except in Christ.” Somehow God granted me the mustard seed of faith to trust that truth and trust that I would understand it at some point. That the truths I knew about Christ’s payment for my sin would somehow also translate into victory over that sin in my life.

This morning I had three more reminders on that subject.

1. From Sunday’s sermon notes: “The devil’s only source of power, his only legitimate accusation of us before God is our sin – Jesus paid for this.”
2. From the Word implanted in my heart: “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Eph 2:
3. From the Valley of Vision prayer entitled Christ the Word: "But thou hast given me a present, Jesus thy son, as mediator between thyself and my soul, as middle-man who in a pit holds both him below and him above, for only he can span the chasm breached by sin, and satisfy divine justice." (That was a great picture to me because I felt like I had been in a pit.) “If I oppose the Word I oppose my Lord when he is most near…so shall Christ the Word and his Word be my strength and comfort.”

I know the recipe for victory I just ignore it too often. I want to create a new recipe that will be easier or use different ingredients. God takes great pains to show me that only his recipe works.

• God takes one sinner.
• Gives them faith in the work of his son on the cross.
• Bakes them through trials.
• And yields his perfect work.

There’s no way around the baking part but Jesus never leaves us no matter how hot the oven gets.

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A few years ago I read a book that really pointed my eyes to the cross called The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee. I was just becoming aware of having a life centered on the cross thanks to my introduction to Sovereign Grace Ministries but I was still struggling to figure out how trusting in the cross and growing in godliness went together.  I have now come to realize that this may be a lifelong struggle to remind myself of the gospel in light of my own sinfulness.

Last week I was skimming my old prayer journals in search of some requests that I had made that God had answered.  I came across this quote from The Normal Christian Life that I had written down that I would like to share.

"The temptation to so many of us when we try to approach God is to think that because God has been dealing with us – because He has been taking steps to bring us into something more of Himself and has been teaching us deeper lessons of the Cross – He has thereby set before us new standards, and that only by attaining to these can we have a clear conscience before Him. No! A clear conscience is never based upon our attainment; it can only be based on the work of the Lord Jesus in the shedding of His blood."

Oh to truly grasp this reality! We must tell ourselves this daily, even moment by moment. This goes perfectly with the verses I am meditating on today. Perhaps some of the most familiar (and neglected) verses in the Bible, Proverbs 3:5&6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

I understand my weaknesses and failures.  Will I walk today in that reality or trust in Jesus and rest in his finished work?  No more attaining to secure his favor – just trusting in who he is and what he has already accomplished on my behalf. 

As I head into this day there are other things that I understand right off the bat.  I understand the temperaments of my children and the fact that we were up too late last night at a super bowl party.  I understand my children’s lack of desire to learn and my impatience, frustration, and inadequacy in teaching them. Will I head into this day with my own understanding and pre-determined thoughts of how the day will go or will I trust the Lord? Will I trust that he died for my children? That he desires to work in them and me? Will I accept all from his hand today as his divine sovereign plan for our lives for our good and his glory?

One more quote from The Normal Christian Life: "What is faith? Faith is my acceptance of God’s fact. It always has it’s foundations in the past. What relates to the future is hope…although faith often has it’s object or goal in the future as in Hebrews 11. Faith always says God has done it."

Today, I hope, by God’s grace to remember and rest in what God has done for me through Christ and have that infiltrate every aspect of this day.

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I am a prideful person. Pride is my constant companion – one I’d like to disassociate with. That’s the reason for this blog post. In order to work on killing this sin I must acknowledge it freely. Where do I even begin? There wouldn’t be enough space on this blog to contain examples of my prideful thoughts even if I could remember each one and write them all down. Pride is there when I compare myself with someone else and find I come out ahead or behind. Pride is there when I feel good about myself because God has used me or feel lousy about myself because I failed to be used. Pride is there when I post on my blog and get a comment either verbally or written. Pride is there when I have victory over sin, and it’s there when I wallow in my sin. Can I ever get away from it? How can I even write this post without sugar coating it lest you are tempted to think I am humble for writing about my pride?

Here is something from my prayer journal the other morning:

Lord I need to confess something you already know. My pride is very prevalent. I like to be well thought of. I like the approval and praise of people especially when it comes to spiritual things. I like to be an inspiration to others. How can I have any impact on the lives of others and not have pride creep in? I’m aware of the very real danger and the very real pride that rears it’s heard. I’m also aware that all of it comes from you – not the pride of course – but any spiritual life I have. So how can I battle the pride? How can I cleanse myself without backing down from being your instrument? Does it work to just acknowledge this to myself and others and to give you glory? I sense you saying to write about this on my blog. Please confirm this if it is so. I also sense you telling me to confess this to _________. Please guide that conversation.

So yesterday I did confess it and ask for wisdom from the good friend God brought to mind. Her advice was very helpful to me.
•    She reminded me to always thank God for his work – not just acknowledge that he’s behind it but to actually thank him.
•    She cautioned me that sometimes looking for horizontal approval with people could mean looking for vertical approval from God and this is opposed to the gospel, which says that I am accepted on the basis of Christ’s righteousness and not because of anything I do or don’t do.
•    She also told me that sometimes we can want to be helpful to people more than really caring about them and serving them.
 How thankful I am for godly friends. The more I think about it the more I realize she is right on all three accounts.

God’s kindness overwhelmed me this morning during my devotions as he continued speaking to me about this. First I was reminded in Psalm 14 that there is none who does good, not even one. Then through Pearls of Great Price by Joni Erickson Tada I was reminded that God’s longings and yearnings are always focused on people not inward, self-focused, or on things. “Never does he express a longing to benefit himself. His heart’s desire is to benefit his people that they may glorify him.” Then the prayer I read in The Valley of Vision reminded me that God is the source of all good. One part says this: “I come to thee in the all-prevailing name of Jesus, with nothing of my own to plead, no works, no worthiness, no promises. “

 And another part:

I thank thee for thy riches to me in Jesus,
    For the unclouded revelation of him in thy word,
    Where I behold his person, character, grace, glory,
    Humiliation, sufferings, death, and resurrection;
Give me to feel a need of his continual saviourhood,
    And cry with Job, ‘I am vile’,
    With Peter, ‘I perish’,
    With the publican, “Be merciful to me, a sinner’.

Lest you think all this humbling is depressing I must tell you that it’s not. When I focus on my sin without a look to the cross and what Jesus secured for me there, pride is present because my gaze is on me. When I focus on the good I’ve done without immediately remembering that any good in me is a result of the Holy Spirit working in me – which is a result of the cross where Jesus purchased me and transferred me out of the darkness into light – pride is present.

So, I wanted to just simply say it. Thank you God for your gracious and loving work in my life. Thank you for your example of humility. Thank you for the work you do in pointing out my pride. Without you showing me, I walk blindly in it. Thank you God that all that I am has to do with your work in my life. Thank you for Jesus who paid the penalty of all my sins, who bore all your wrath towards me – even right now as I write this still with pride in my heart. Thank you God for crediting me with the righteousness of Christ. His perfect record is mine. Thank you.

Once again I am profoundly amazed at the goodness of God toward me. His mercy is greater than all my pride and there’s a lot of it. I am overwhelmed with the thought of how far his grace extends.

As I finished this and gave it to my husband to read I told him that I still didn’t feel like I conveyed the reality of my pride and he told me to just say this:  however much pride you think I have it’s 10 times worse.  Is 10 a high enough number?  Probably not but hopefully you get the point.  Only God knows the full extent of it and he has completely forgiven it.  Wow! It’s a word I keep saying a lot these days. It’s my feeble attempt of expressing my awe for all Christ had done. Wow!

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Last night we hosted our church’s parent youth small group at our house. It’s an evening once a month for high school students parents to meet together for fellowship and discussion.  We’ve been going through the book Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. What a great book! It tackles the issue of sins that we tolerate in our lives because they aren’t the more obvious social sins. Last night we took a look at the sins of ungodliness and unthankfulness.

First I have to say once again how thankful I am for our church and the way God works through it in our family’s lives. It was a sweet thing to sit with a dozen or so moms and girls and hear how God is actively working in their lives. It was a precious reminder of his personal, tailor made, involvement in each individual life and also a picture of his larger work in and through the body of Christ.

Now to the sin part.... My eyes were opened to the sin of ungodliness and it’s prevalence in my life and society as a whole. I mistakenly had thought that ungodliness was equated with unrighteousness or wickedness and had to do more with actions or deeds. The truth is that ungodliness is an attitude toward God. It’s living our daily lives with little or no thought of God and his will. It’s all the times I have my devotions and then get busy going about my day and God gets crowded out of my brain. When I sat and realized the enormity of that sin it brought my attention once again to Christ. He was the only man who ever lived who had a godward attitude every moment of his life. It made me so thankful, once again, for his enduring the cross for me (who has sins too numerous to count that stem from ungodliness.)

We also talked about unthankfulness. As I read that chapter prior to the meeting I almost sighed with relief that there was a sin that I had pretty well killed.  All of the financial struggles that our family has been through over the last year have made me very aware of God’s provision and thankful. More than any other time in our life when we pray before a meal we are truly aware that God made it possible and we give heartfelt thanks. Because our church is centered on the gospel I have grown leaps and bounds in thankfulness for salvation too. This blog has been a testimony of that fact. So I shut the book and had a little talk with God and thanked him for his work in my life regarding thankfulness. Then a still small voice began coming into my mind. You see, there are certain situations in our family that frustrate me – specifically regarding my children and a lack of seeing evidences of God’s activity in their lives. I felt a gentle reminder from God that this was a big area of unthankfulness in my life. My mind is so set on the picture of what I want our family to look like that I have failed to be thankful for the ways God is at work now. I have failed to be thankful for the way he is choosing to work and the speed in which he seems to be working and I have even, in my self righteous sinfulness, felt that somehow their lack of change meant He was not working at all. I am thankful to God for the realization of this area of sin. Now that I am aware of it He can work with me on killing it. Then, I'm sure, he will reveal to me another layer to work on.

As always, seeing the infiltration of sin in my life drives me deeper into appreciation for the cross. I was not saved just from the events of sin or the seasons of sin but because through and through I am sinful.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved. Ephesians 2:4-5

Lovingly and patiently he is working all things together for good to conform me to the image of Christ (Romans 8:28-29) one respectable sin at a time Praise God!

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Several years ago my husband signed up for a drawing at the grocery store. He didn’t even know what the prize was and he barely remembered signing up. So, a few weeks later it was a total surprise to get a call announcing that we had won a new refrigerator.  It was exciting despite the fact that we had purchased a fridge about two years prior. I daydreamed about what the new fridge would be like. Would it be a side by side with ice and water in the door or some other fancy fridge that we hadn’t been able to afford when we bought our other one? When the new fridge arrived we discovered that it was similar to our current fridge (although it had enough extra features so we decided to use it and sell our old one).  I anxiously waited for the day that we made the transfer; and as it turned out, we even changed the kitchen a bit in the process.

At last the new fridge was in place, the kitchen was reorganized, and it was time to load it up with food.  I guess it would be more accurate to say it was time to transfer the food. As I was working away taking partial bags of frozen vegetables from one freezer to another it dawned on me that, despite the excitement of a new fridge and the cool features, I was putting the same food into it. We hadn’t been given a whole new fridge stocked with exciting foods that were perfectly stacked in all matching Tupperware® containers like something you see in an ad. While transferring the food I threw out the moldy oranges and the downright rotten food that had been hiding in the back corners. What remained was still less than perfect -like the ketchup bottles that were half full.

You may ask, “Why is she writing about a new refrigerator and rotting food on a blog dedicated to reflecting on the cross?” Well, because as I awoke this morning it popped into my head and I believe that God had something to say to me about it. That new fridge is similar to this new year. I daydream about what a new year may hold, what new opportunities or challenges lay ahead, and how it will be better than the last. I reorganize my life, carefully evaluate my time, and ask God to give me goals for growth in godliness. I believe it’s a worthwhile endeavor - though I don’t need a new year to do it. A new year does bring out that natural inclination to reflect and restructure my life. When a new year comes and it’s time to make the “transfer”, I find that the inside contents are the same. The same emotions, personality, weaknesses, and laziness exist that existed 36 hours ago. If you looked inside of me you still wouldn’t see a perfectly organized life with the best quality of fruit inside. You’d find that most of my contents are tainted with impure motives, previous goals only half full, and even some rotting sins that had been ignored because I hadn’t made time to clean them out. Even if I did clean them out and made new goals it wouldn’t last. There will always be rotting sins emerging as long as I live; though, by God’s grace, I hope they will be cleaned out much quicker as they emerge instead of left rotting in a dark corner.

What hope do I have, then, for the contents of my new year?

My hope is Jesus Christ! You must have known that was coming. God grants me another year as a gift and promises that he will transfer to me that perfect life I’ve longed for. In fact he already did it the moment he saved me. He gave me credit for the perfectly lived life of Jesus. The blood that Jesus spilled on the cross secured my forgiveness for the contents of all my years. That knowledge fills me with hope! Now He is patiently cleaning out my insides to make my own life something that reflects His and He’s doing it one moldy orange at a time.

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I've been quiet here on my blog.  I've had some ideas for entries rolling around in my brain but they are lodged there until after Christmas.  So, I will just take a moment to say Merry Christmas. 

I hope you take the opportunity to slow down for a bit and meditate on what it means to us that Christ was born.  Our pastor, Rick Gamache, had an excellent sermon titled Good News of a Great Joy last Sunday.  For anyone who would like a reminder of what Christmas is all about  you can listen to the sermon here.

May you reflect on the cross as you celebrate Christ's birth!

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There's a saying around our church, "I see and evidence of grace in you...", or "an evidence of grace in my life is...."  At one time these sayings were unfamiliar to me but gradually I'm getting the hang of it.  The saying itself isn't anything new, it's just a way to recognize God at work in your life or in the lives of those around you. Our church places a high value on encouraging others by pointing out areas of growth and recognizing that God is at work.

This morning I was a bit surprised to recognize an evidence of grace in my own life.  The way it happened was rather odd.  I slept in.  My alarm usually goes off at 5:30 and I get up to turn it off and kind of make myself stay up.  This gives me time to have a shower and at least 45 minutes of devotional time (at least that's what I shoot for) before I wake up the kids and get the day started.  But today I got up and quickly jumped back into my warm flannel sheets and pulled the comforter up around my chin.  It's amazing how sharp your mind can actually be at that time of the morning because in those few seconds I had already remembered that my husband had an early morning meeting and I kindly thought that maybe he would need the shower first this morning.  I asked him about it and wouldn't you know it he told me that I could go first.  I then mumbled something about how since we get up early to work around his schedule anyway and since he wasn't going to be here this morning that I could get up a tad later.  Fast forward an hour and 15 minutes.  I finally get out of bed and go about my usual routine but now I'm calculating whether or not I should go ahead and have my devotions and have the kids have a late start or skip the devotions and do them when the kids do theirs.  (I know from past experience that this rarely works)  I decided on a compromise - I would spend 20 minutes of time with the Lord and wake up the kids a little later. 

So, I went into my prayer closet and spent time reading and taking notes from the last chapter of John.  I began my prayer time as usual by writing in my prayer journal but this time I began telling the Lord that my time with him was cut short this morning because of my laziness. That's when the evidence of grace appeared.  I realized that I didn't feel condemnation about sleeping in or guilt.  What I felt was disappointment that I didn't have as much time with the Lord and I felt like I had been foolish trading sleep for my time with him.  This may not seem like any big deal to you but you need to understand that in 6th grade I began what seemed a lifelong struggle to have consistent devotions.  Throughout my life I had spurts of really good devotional times and then seasons when it was nothing more than duty if I did them at all.  For years and years I hoped that some day I would really come to the place where I actually looked forward to them and enjoyed being in God's presence.  By God's grace that has happened in my life.  I think it's been gradual over the last few years but it was not until this morning that I recognized it.  I actually like to read the Bible and I treasure my time alone with God.  I know beyond doubt that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's patient love working to change me. 

As usual when you see God working in one area of your life it gives you hope for change in other areas as well.  I often act as if my Christian walk is a sprint instead of a marathon.  I want to see progress and see it now, in me, or in those around me.  But God is in this for the long haul (really long if you consider human history).  He is patiently working in all of us to complete his good work. Not one thing that he desires will be left undone.  Have faith He is always working even when we don't notice.

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It all began on a plane ride to California to visit my parents. The man God providentially sat me next to was engrossed in his book. I glanced over to see what he was reading and was surprised to see that it was “God Is Not Great.” I had seen the book at a bookstore just a few weeks prior so I recognized that it was an atheistic book. The man was not just casually reading either; he had a highlighter in hand and was highlighting every other paragraph. Surely, I thought, God must want me to talk to this man about the gospel. I got out the book I had brought along to read. Ironically, the book was titled “When I Don’t Desire God”, written by John Piper. In my book, Piper was explaining how any desire we have for God is a gift from Him. I was filled with fresh awe that God had chosen me. What a vivid example - two people sitting side by side on a plane in completely opposite worlds. I did nothing to deserve eyes that were opened to the truth of the gospel. What overwhelming gratefulness came over me! I kept glancing at the man trying to catch his eye but he never even looked my direction. After reading awhile he closed his eyes and slept for the rest of the trip. Though I didn’t have opportunity to speak to him I did speak to the Father on his behalf. I prayed for God to open his eyes to the truth. I prayed for him to see the error in what he was reading. I prayed for God to invade his mind while he slept.

The next week was very different from my usual routine. I spent my days among elderly people. I ate with them, exercised with them, went to Bible study with them, and sat around with them. Two of these people were my own parents but there were plenty of others as well. I had an up close and personal look at how many people live out the last years of their lives. What I saw grieved me a bit. God seemed somehow absent in the majority of lives. Even my own parents seemed to have forgotten the gospel. At Bible study with my dad, the teacher asked a question. A woman behind me did not just give the appropriate answer, which was Jesus, but she said “precious Jesus.” Yes! That’s what I want for my life whether young or old - to count Jesus as precious. I was filled with so much resolve to live my life clinging to Christ now while I am able. When my body or mind fails me I want Him to be so much a part of me that somehow He will still be on my heart and mind.

I arrived home on a Saturday night and the next morning our pastor preached a sermon about worship, using Paul’s’ proclamation from Philippians 1:21 for me to live is Christ and to die is gain.
He spoke of taking hold of Christ now in this life with all that we have so that we can truly say to live is Christ. Oh how that resonated with my heart!

Then Monday came around, followed by two weeks of what seemed like fairly regular struggle with parenting and homeschooling. What does clinging to Christ look like when you feel like you are in the trenches of life dealing with your own sin or someone else’s? Where is Christ when nothing you plan goes as you hoped? What does the gospel even have to do with homeschooling or parenting anyway?

Plenty! A song that my husband and I have been playing very frequently these days is entitled “Clinging to the Cross,” written by Tim Hughes. One day I literally sat with my head up close to the speaker, while this song played loudly, praying for God to work in me to make this reality. What is there in life, anyway, that the gospel does not address? When I have a struggle with sin I know that Jesus paid for it. When I deal with children who struggle with sin (is there any other kind of child?) I need to remind them of the gospel and remind myself of God’s mercy toward me. When I feel overwhelmed with responsibilities of training hearts that are not always willing to receive that training I remember that Christ is all I need and he will never let me go. He is leading me to that place where my tears will all be wiped away. Here are the lyrics:

In quiet moments of reflection, joyous worship in song, or listening to a pastor or teacher, I see the gospel clearly. What I need most is to see the gospel in the midst of trial. Not just after, but during. Oh how I want to cling to the cross with my whole heart - and that, I know is a gift from God. He opened up my eyes and I am so amazed at his grace towards me.

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The last few mornings I’ve had sweet devotional times.  In reading God’s word I have been reminded of how precious my salvation is and have felt a real joy in that.  It’s what I long for.

But for the last three days there has been a struggle of wills at my house right after breakfast when we sing our morning song together.  We are singing the hymn Like a River Glorious right now. On two of the mornings I have had one child who has been completely uncooperative because they don’t like the style of this song.   I’ve had to work for extended amounts of time with this child and have felt a clash of wills.  I can’t make someone sing. 

This morning started out well, we were going to try singing the hymn in a different style and make it fun to surprise dad tonight during family night.  Everyone seemed to like the idea. It started out fun, with everyone joining in. But then the clapping got off beat, sped up, and not everyone was singing the way I wanted. It all fell apart and ended in anger and frustration.  No song - at least for now.  I was confessing to my kids where I was wrong, but still feeling like as the parent and music teacher I had a right to say how I wanted it to be done.

So lets unravel this a bit.  I was frustrated about their seeming lack of obedience.  In reality they were just trying to have fun and embellish what I was telling them to do. I had in my mind a picture of tonight and exactly what that would look like.  I had in my mind the other “performing” homeschoolers and thought that, at least for tonight, we would discover how great we were together.  I had in my mind the thought of impressing my husband.  I had in my mind pride and self.  Somehow pulling off this song would validate and make me a successful homescholing mom. 

How did a precious and sweet time with the Lord degenerate so quickly? 

It’s only by God’s grace that I am even acknowledging this sin in my heart. But in the midst of my little pity party over what is extremely small and insignificant the Holy Spirit reminded me of the words the second verse of the hymn we were singing.
 

How quickly my eyes get off my Savior and onto myself – without me even making a conscious effort.  This points to the fact that any amount of good happening in my life is only by God’s grace and by his Spirit.  Thankfully I am justified through faith in Christ.  Which means that not only are all of my sins washed away but also I am given credit for Christ’s perfect record of obedience.  My nature is to turn to self and his nature was to turn to his Father and do all for his glory. Now, God is making me into the person that he has declared me to be through faith in Christ.  Every joy, like the time with him in the mornings, or every trial, like music fiascos, are given to me by the hand of a loving God who is trustworthy and true.  Even as I type this I feel peace and rest come over me.

I think I need to go and apologize to my precious children!

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I’ve been working on memorizing one of the prayers from the book The Valley of Vision a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions. The reason I wanted to memorize this particular prayer  is because it seems to encapsulate the gospel and benefits of Christ so concisely.  The title of the prayer is Victory.

Last weekend was a tough one for me. A couple of things were going on that heightened my emotions. The first was good news that my husband did get the job promotion after all!  Praise God, this is such a good thing for him. It means fewer hours at work, less physical labor, and he’ll be doing things that he is more suited to.  Then we got the salary proposal and realized that it wasn’t even enough to cover our already trimmed down projected budget.  I had hoped the financial crunch we’ve been in would be a temporary state. The proposal, for me, signified that God meant for this trial to last longer. The relief I had hoped for wasn’t there.  In addition to this I received word that my mom’s health was rapidly declining.  At that time I wasn’t even sure if she would be living more than a few days. 

I wish I could say that I responded to these trials with faith and joy but I didn’t. I had been praying for God to help me kill my sin and to reveal it to me and he did.  I got a very clear picture of my sinfulness last weekend.  Pride, self-pity, anger, bitterness, envy, jealousy, rebellion, idolatry, and unbelief all came bubbling up to the surface.  Yuck!  Thankfully I was confronted with the gospel several times throughout the weekend and each time it had a healing or convicting effect on me so that by Sunday night I was repentant.

Monday morning I was in my prayer closet feeling emotionally spent but wanting to “make my soul happy in God”, as George Mueller puts it, by meditating on the gospel.  I flipped open the prayer Victory and began to read.  I felt God speak to me as I thought about the word victory.  “How can there be a victory if there hasn’t been a battle?”

An idol I fight a lot is the desire for a carefree life.  Yet, it’s in the trials or battles that I grow the most. I don’t often view them as the means God uses to expose my sin so that it can be put to death. I’d prefer a nice life with a perfect image. Is that what glorifies God the most or magnifies Christ’s work on the cross?  Is an honest living example of how Christ transforms a life a better picture to an unbelieving world? Of course it is.  May I quit wanting to shrink back from trial and trust God to complete the good work he has begun in me.

Here is the prayer:

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I received a devotional book for Christmas last year called Pearls of Great Price by Joni Erickson Tada.  Throughout the year  I have read it – sometimes regularly and sometimes sporadically during my quiet times.  I have been amazed at how many times the devotional for the day went so well with the scripture passage I had just been reading. The thing about Joni that I find amazing is that whether you read her books, or listen to her speak, she never makes you feel sorry for her.  In fact you usually come away knowing that she possess something you don’t. While she is candid about the pain and difficulty of her paralysis, she speaks of God’s work in her life and the work of Christ on the cross. She speaks of these things so much that your focus is drawn to the cross and you end up seeing her joy in Christ more than the pain and suffering she endures on a daily basis.  What a powerful testimony! 

Joni has been an example to me because while I can’t even pretend I know the hardship of a paralysis like hers, I experience a bit of paralysis myself -financial paralysis.  I’ve been pondering this lately.  Especially after the news this week that my husband probably did not get the job promotion we had been waiting to hear about for the last couple of months.  According to what my husband has brought in for income from his jobs this year, we live below the poverty level.  I understand that the poverty level in this country does not even compare with the poverty level in a third world country.  (I’ve seen that with my own eyes, and it is never far from me.) Living at a poverty level in this country and culture has a very different and real set of difficulties though.  I feel paralyzed by it. What it means for us is less time with my husband because he has to work such long hours and even then it’s not nearly enough.  So beyond getting the basic bills provided which we can’t even do by ourselves, there are other desires that go unfulfilled such as music lessons for each of my children, a summer holiday - even a weekend away just as a family, and the ability to buy the books we need for our homeschool. Every trip in the car has me calculating the amount of gas we’ve used, every thing my children eat from the cupboards has me saying,  “when it’s gone it’s gone.” I’ve always considered myself to be somewhat frugal but gone are the days when I could pick up a new item for our home, or a new perennial for the garden.  Every baby or wedding shower or birthday has me wondering how I can buy a gift – many times I just don’t. Please don’t mention Christmas to me right now!  My parents are failing in health yet I find myself far away and unable to visit them.  It feels like I am paralyzed more than the average person - maybe this is true, maybe it’s not, but regardless, I face it almost daily. 

The news about my husband’s job had me wondering if God means for us to live like this for the rest of our lives. It would make us dependent on him to provide even the basic things through other people and I don’t really like that.  But then Joni came to mind. She is dependent on God to provide through other people every single day of her life. As a woman truly paralyzed she needs people to help her with the most basic functions yet she thrives.  She has learned how to be content and even boast in her weaknesses that the power of Christ might dwell in her.  She has compassion for the disabled and has done more for them then perhaps anyone. 

What I fight is an attitude of entitlement. Somehow I think that because everyone around me can do certain things then I should be able too. Secretly, I feel like it would be easier to be “poor” if everyone else was poor too.  What foolishness on my part! Our lives are not intended to be easy. I am not entitled to a vacation. All of my kids don’t have to have music lessons. Truly, I have so much more than I deserve because God has chosen me, my sins have been pardoned through the precious blood of Jesus. Can I, like Joni, thrive in less than perfect circumstances?  Will I allow God to do the desired work in me through this trial?  Will I use this time, however brief or long, to fuel my compassion for others who are suffering?  Will I daily find that God’s grace is sufficient for me and that his power is made perfect in my weakness?  Will I gladly boast in my “infirmities” that the power of Christ might dwell in me?  I hope the answer will be yes.  I praise God that he is moving me in that direction and I think, by God’s grace, I’ll get there despite the heel marks in the carpet.

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Exactly one year ago this morning we walked into a new church. This wasn’t just any church it was the church God had led us to. God leads people to church all of the time but for us it meant packing up all of our possessions and moving 3 hours north. It meant leaving the familiarity and comfort of our life, the assurance of a paycheck, and the friends that we loved. So here we were on our first Sunday. Would it disappoint us? Would we find that it wasn’t all we hoped it would be? Would we regret the decision? These were the things in the back recesses of my mind. Things I couldn’t even voice.  At the front of my mind was the excitement of the adventure that lay ahead.  I remember clearly many of the songs we sang that morning. I also remember the song that brought tears to my eyes as we sang it. It was titled Across The Great Divide. We had it on a CD at home and had listened to it numerous times. Funny how having it on a screen in front of me and singing it caused me to for the first time really pay attention to the message of the song.  The chorus, which we repeated quite a bit that morning, sank deep into my heart.

Right then I knew that whatever sacrifice we thought we were making paled in comparison to the sacrifice of Jesus. The three-hour distance that we had moved, was nothing compared to the distance that Jesus moved – to save me. I also knew then that we were in the right place and I never wanted to miss a Sunday if at all possible. Praise God!

So here it is a year later. It’s been quite a year. A year of struggle, and a year of rest, a year of plenty, and a year of leanness, a year of heart exposure and a year of sin realization, a year of sadness and a year of inexplicable joy, a year of making new relationships and a year of keeping old ones, a year of confusion and a year of understanding. So many lessons, so much grace from God.

What are a some specific things I’ve been learning?

•    God is sovereign and faithful. Not in a generic kind of way but in a specific, intimate way. Therefore, I need not worry or have any self-pity about my situation but instead be content because God is always working out his will on my behalf.

•    The gospel applies to every part of my life.  Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is an inexhaustible mine full of treasure. I am learning to remember and trust in this fact daily.

•    I am even more sinful than I thought I was. My sin is serious and an offense to God, but I shouldn't hide it. Instead, I need to acknowledge it, repent of it, and kill it. Even when I fail at this, the gospel is good news to my soul. Christ has removed the burden of sin. He is not surprised by it, but exposes it so that I can grow to be more like him.


Last night we were at the home of some friends that we’ve made since moving. Ironically we had one of our old friends from our former town with us.  Our new friend was giving advice to our old friend who is a freshman in college. His advice was to hold lightly her dreams and hopes for the future. Be involved in a local church where other people would be speaking into her life, where she could bounce off the ideas and visions that God was giving her, and to and serve in that church. But most of all he told her to treasure Christ.

By God’s grace that’s what we are doing. We are holding our future lightly, being involved in our local church, allowing other people to see who we really are and give us input, serving in areas where God has directed us. And through all of this we are learning to treasure Christ more. If God had not moved in our hearts first none of this would be happening. Today I have a greater knowledge of my sin and a greater love for my savior than I did last year because of God - tirelessly, patiently, lovingly, working in me.

To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever! Amen.    I Timothy 1:17

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Everyone likes to belong to a club of some sort. I’ve recently been mulling over a club that I’d like to begin: The Failure Club.  Does it sound like a club you’d like to join?  I could charge dues to belong (that would help out with our expenses).  The more I think about it the better this idea is sounding.

So, whom should I invite to belong to my club?  Hmmm, how about everyone who feels like they struggle as a parent; like it’s just not as easy as they thought it would be before the child entered the scene, or when they returned from that parenting seminar, or right after they read that revolutionary book on being a great parent.  No, I fear that our club might get too big if that was the case.  Ok, then how about everyone who has made unwise decisions with their finances, whether it’s falling prey to a convincing sales pitch, over spending, or not giving enough to the needy.  I guess that might also be too big (plus I want you to pay a due to be in my club☺). I’ve got it, how about everyone who doesn’t feel like they have much to offer, everyone who senses that they are weak, or everyone who knows deep down that they just don’t pass muster.  On second thought, maybe I should forget this whole club idea - I can see how easily it would get out of hand. 

I’m pretty qualified to be in this club by the way. Yesterday was a prime example of it.  Would you like to review some of my more obvious failures with me?  C’mon it might be fun.

1.    Sleeping 20 minutes after the alarm went off.
2.    Going back to bed after dropping my husband off at work at 6am.
3.    Forgetting to spend time with God due to my first two failures.
4.    Not printing specific directions to the zoo I was taking two of my children to.
5.    Missing the exit for the highway I needed.
6.    Not teaching the children who were with me how to read a map.
7.    Getting very frustrated with them for not being able to read a map.
8.    Driving 20 minutes out of the way before turning around.
9.    Not bringing snacks to the zoo. Need I say more?
10.    Not remembering the right time my daughter needed to be at the drama club.
11.    Hitting every possible road closed and getting lost on the way to the drama club.
12.    Not getting gas before the above failure.
13.    Comparing myself to a godly example rather than being thankful to God for them.
14.    Wallowing in feelings of failure due to #13.

But then I remembered some advice that came our way last week from my pastor. I had received an onslaught of despairing feelings over our present circumstances, fears of the future, along with trying times with my children. Tears were my constant companions for the first three days of the week. My husband emailed our pastor and asked him to pray for me.  He mentioned my feelings of failure. I am almost sure that every other time in my life an admission of failure was met with an attempt to build up or reassure and this time was no different. The reply was meant to build up and reassure. I was reassured that yes, I was a failure indeed. Had I not been Christ would not have needed to die for me.  I’ve never had a reassurance quite like that! But it proved to be so helpful to me.

So as I sat on the couch recounting my many failures yesterday I remembered the beautiful gospel that says I’m not Ok and that Christ died for my failures. I remembered that I will never be capable of living a perfect life but that Jesus did and God credits me with that life through faith. I remembered a wise quote from a young friend just the day before: “There is freedom in not pretending to be perfect.” I remembered 1st Corinthians 1 that I had read earlier in the week and the notes that I jotted down in the margin. 

“ I see six evidences in this chapter that God chooses us. Before I let that puff me up I’d better consider that he chose the foolish and weak so that his power would be displayed, not mine. The gospel is so contrary to human wisdom and that’s one reason that it is so beautiful.  Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.
Can I thank God for my failings and weaknesses? My lack of intelligence or giftedness is nothing to him. He can use me however he wants – and when he does we’ll both know who gets the credit.”

After all that remembering I was able to go out and enjoy a date with my wonderful husband.

By the way, if anyone ever tries to get you to join a failure club and wants you to pay dues DON’T DO IT - IT’S A SCAM! You’ve been a member since birth.

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CJ Mahaney, a man whom I admire, leads Sovereign Grace ministries (the family of churches that our family is a part of) with humility and godly wisdom. I’m thankful to have him be one of the leaders that our pastors and churches follow. Last week I listened to the story of his conversion. I had heard the story before but I’m not sure I’d heard him tell it in his own words. To sum it up, he was a young man who was happy with his life, had no knowledge of the gospel or of Christian life, was wrapped up in the drug culture and good at it. God interrupted all of this when a friend shared the gospel with him while he was smoking marijuana and he was transformed to have faith in Jesus immediately. He wasn’t seeking. He wasn’t unhappy. But God, who is rich in mercy, intervened and has used CJ to help thousands of people keep the gospel central in their lives.

About three hours after listening to this testimony I was on my way to a 4th of July parade with my children. As we walked to the parade route, a family was walking a little ahead of us. I immediately began to sum them up. The mom had long dyed black hair down to her waist with all black clothing. The dad had a mohawk ponytail and a heavy metal type t-shirt. One of the boys, who looked about 9 years old, had a mohawk as well. I was very quick to sum them up as being a “rough” family. Not someone I would become friends with. Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted when the dad called back to his son and said, “C’mon CJ.”

Immediately my thought pattern changed from what was a sinfully judgmental way of writing this family off to suddenly having hope for them because of the gospel influence on CJ Mahaney’s life.  Did God place me there at that time to remind me that he saves those whom he wants to save, not because they have a certain lifestyle or look a certain way? What’s in a name? In this case the name was a very important reminder that I was not saved because I was a good person. In fact I was saved in spite of the fact that I thought I was a good person and that I felt superior to other people who looked “rougher” than me. My sins were pure ugliness; so repulsive that the Father could not even stand to look at them. The only thing that makes me beautiful and good in God’s eyes is the work of Christ on the cross. His perfection became mine.

I didn’t think I’d ever see CJ or his family again.  After all, I live in a heavily populated area and the parade was not even in the city I live in. Just a few days after the 4th we were driving by a grocery store near our home and my husband pointed out a dad and his son on bikes. Sure enough it was CJ and his dad. I knew I needed to pray that God would grant them faith to believe in his Son. So, as I prayed silently I was able to pray for at least one of them by name.

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As I sit to write this, movers are at the home of my parents in Northern California. They will be taking a few of their possessions and transferring them to the tiny one bedroom apartment of an assisted living facility. I am unable to help and that’s difficult. The last time I was there was over a year ago. At that time, I boxed up many of the things they didn't use on a regular basis and we sold many others to an auctioneer.  They were hoping to move to be near me in Iowa in just a few short months.  Even our best-laid plans can change. God has a way of intervening when we least expect it. In this case the change came in the form of a move for my family from Iowa to Minnesota and the failure of my parents home to sell.  Due to the uncertainty of our future my parents decided to stay in the town where they are so they wouldn't have to move again.

The last time I talked to my mom on the phone she made this statement; "Joy, it's a terrible thing to have someone hold each thing you own and ask you if you want to keep it or get rid of it." I know my mom has her memories tied up in her possessions. That's why she has the two rocks that my nephew and I painted when we were five or the other half dozen rocks that she picked up someplace that are linked to a person or trip of some sort. Every item she owns has a memory attached to it.

My dad, on the other hand, is not so attached to his possessions. He has Alzheimer’s and is starting to forget. The last time I spoke to him he asked me where I lived. At least for now he still remembers I'm his daughter. I remember a few years ago when I had visited right after he had been diagnosed. We cried together at one point for what we both knew would be coming…the loss of so many memories.

So, in a way my mom and dad struggle with the same thing - loss. My parents are tough people. They both lost spouses at a young age. My own birth mother was just thirty-three when she died from cancer leaving my dad with an infant (me), two teenagers, and a pre-teen. He remarried a year later to the woman who is the only mother I've ever known.  Her own story involves losing a husband to a heart attack and four months later losing a son in Vietnam whose body was never found.

In light of all of this melancholy contemplation two thoughts have been consistently emerging in my mind the last few weeks.  First, I consider the futility of amassing so many possessions. I once heard it said that we spend the first half of our adult life obtaining things and the second half getting rid of them. Several years ago I read a life-changing book by Randy Alcorn entitled The Treasure Principle. One statement in particular has never left me.  Alcorn points out that everything we own will eventually end up in the dump. No matter how important something is to us, generations from now they will mean very little if anything at all. I tried to keep this in mind while I was packing to move to Minnesota. I even bought the song by Michael Card off iTunes where he claims that “it's hard to imagine the freedom we find from the things we leave behind.” Oh so true but so hard to believe at times when we are faced with parting with something, or practicing self control in not obtaining something we want.

The second thought going through my mind is in regard to our memories. Only God who is all knowing can know if we will live long enough to lose our memories.  When I think about my dad I am comforted by the thought that when he gets to heaven the Father will look at him and say that he remembers. He remembers every tear ever shed and every moment in time.  But wonder of wonders he also will choose to forget something. He will not remember the sins that have been covered by the blood of his precious son. In regards to those sins he removes them as far as the east is from the west.

If it's true, and I believe it is, that my creator will remember everything in my life, and forget my sin simply through my faith in Christ, then I should have a whole new perspective on how to live my life. Will I spend my life on fleeting pleasure and the stuff of this earth as I am so prone to do, or will I spend my time investing in eternity where moths and rust do not destroy? Will I find freedom in the things I leave behind?

May it be so.

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Due to the fact that so many of my blog posts have to do with money and my sincere desire not to have that be the focus of my life, I decided that I didn’t really want to write any more on this subject.  At least that’s what I decided, in my pride, because of fear of what people will think if I keep talking about it. Well, this morning I awoke with a sense that if I don’t talk about it I will not be sharing what an amazing God we belong to and the personal way that he works in our life right now.  So here it is, a blog entry that has to do with money. I hope you will marvel at God’s absolute sovereignty when you are done reading.

A brief background is in order before I begin. We have lived in this new place for 9 months. We moved because we felt a clear call from God. The rent we pay is almost triple what our mortgage was where we lived before. The job my husband took has brought in very little income. In fact, the last few months have brought in a whopping nothing. This month he took an additional job, which barely covers just our rent.  Despite this we have always been able to pay our bills on time and have, over and above, what we need provided on a consistent basis.  But you must understand that, in my mind, getting the rent covered is a very basic and real need. We need $1300 each month to cover this expense. You can assume that we are starting from zero each month because that’s the kind of life we are living right now. So, here’s my story of one month’s rent.

About the second week into a month I begin to figure out in my head whether we have enough to cover the rent for next month.  All money that comes in, from this week on, goes toward that expense until it is covered. It’s not really so much of a worry as it is a practicality of life.

On Sunday our church administrator handed us $100 that was anonymously given to him for us.

On Monday night some friends of ours, from where we lived before, stopped in to see us briefly.  They put a check for $200 in my hand.

On Wednesday my husband brought home his first paycheck from his new job. It was $600.

On Thursday we headed to Iowa to attend a CD release party.  My children had the privilege of singing on a children’s CD recorded by good friends of ours who are in a full time music ministry.  They really wanted all of the kids who were on the CD to be at the party and so they even gave us money for gas to get there. (This is what happens when you are in this financial state, all of your friends know that in order for you to do most anything they have to pay for it – humbling yes, but humbling is good☺) Some friends of ours, who live in the town we had moved from (Humboldt), had parked their mini van at our house while they were away on a trip because we live so close to the airport. (We often have people do this in order to save parking fees.) When they left they gave us permission to use their van as much as we wanted. The wheels in my kid’s heads began turning immediately and they wondered if we could take the van to Iowa. We have just one car and although it’s a good car it is pretty crowded for the three of them in the backseat when we take longer trips.  Riding in a van would be a treat for them. So we asked our friends and they gave us the ok to take their van on this 3½ hour trip.  About 20 minutes from our destination my daughter recognized a vehicle belonging to a friend of ours who had also moved from Humboldt. We had not seen him in almost a year.  So, we slowed down and pulled in front of him.  Because we were driving our friend’s van he saw the Humboldt license plates and wondered if he knew who was in front of him. He sped up and saw us. So on a lone stretch of highway in Iowa he and my husband were trying to yell at each other through open windows.  We told him where we were headed and he asked us to follow him.  He led us to the house we were going to and as he got out of his vehicle to greet us he put an envelope in my husband’s hand.  The envelope simply said “Lord bless you” and it contained four $100 bills.

Did you do the math?  Just in this last week we received $1,300!

The last part of this provision is so amazing to me. How did our friend just happen to have an envelope with $400 in it? How did he decide to give it to us? We haven't  talked to him for a long time so he would not have known our need. We had not planned to meet and the chances of that just happening are very non-existent. If you heard the story of where he was coming from and how he came to be driving on that road at just that time it would make the story even more incredible but much too long. Let’s suffice it to say that if we had tried to plan meeting up with him it wouldn’t have happened. It reminds me of the time Jesus sent Peter out to catch a fish and then Peter pulled a coin out of the fish’s mouth to have just what they needed to pay a tax that was due.  Only a sovereign God who controls the lives of everyone could pull something like this off.

Yes, I am very grateful that we head into next month knowing our rent is covered. I am more grateful however for a God that is so personal and intimate that he carefully crafts events like this so that we can see a glimpse of his awesome power.  Things like this have happened to us over and over. What a good, generous, and awesome God we have the joy of belonging to because Jesus made peace with him on our behalf.  He is worthy of our worship and amazement of all that he is and all that he has done for us. 

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

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I’ve been making to do lists most of my life.  I had to smile when my oldest daughter made her first to do list when she was about 6 years old. Evidently it runs in the family.  However, since I moved I've found it more difficult to keep on task. How do you like that excuse?  I've been settled for months and whom am I kidding anyway?  I never was very good with time management before I moved.  That's why I like to do lists. It makes me feel as if I'm somehow on top of things. Never mind that half of the things don't get crossed off.  I go in spurts of extreme productivity and then lag time of what feels like complete laziness.  I have a feeling I'll be dealing with this during my whole career as a stay at home mom.

What's my point? I have often beaten myself up over my lack of super woman qualities. What is my motivation for being super anyway? Do I have a desire to bring glory to God or myself?  Sadly it's mostly about me. I don't think my condition is anything unusual though because God chose to save us by grace and not by works. We are always thankful for that! But, the reason he gives tells the truth.  If he does it all we can't brag about any of it. God knows it's in our sinful nature to bring glory to ourselves instead of him.  He could have just decided not to mess with us because we are so self-seeking but instead he chose in mercy to devise a plan that would leave our effort out of the picture. By faith we belong to him, we can never brag about any of it.

That same passage of scripture in Ephesians 2 says that I was created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God has prepared beforehand for me to walk in. 

Hold it!  Works don't matter right? 

When I read this passage yesterday it was as if I saw for the first time all of this together the way it is supposed to be.  The very next line says THEREFORE, remember and then remember again.  It's as if the remembering is part of the good works that God prepared for me to walk in. 

So what am I supposed to remember?  I was dead in my sin; I was following the world, Satan and myself. I was destined for God's wrath, I was an outsider not a partaker of God's grace, I was apart from Christ, without hope, and without God in this world.  That is a sobering list! I never set out to have those things on my to do list but that is the reality of what I was.  Remembering what I was gives way to remembering what God did. How can I even begin to describe that in this short blog post? Just one glimpse in Ephesians 2:13 says, "But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ?"

That penetrates my heart all over again. I was brought near to God through Christ.

Remembering makes me want to be content because I realize that I don't deserve anything. Remembering makes me want to give glory to God because my works mean nothing.  Remembering makes me want to live completely for God.  Remembering makes me want to ask earnestly for more of his strength and power and to walk fearlessly through this life. Forget motivational speeches. This is the ultimate motivation.

From now on I hope to put remembering at the top of my to do list.

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I am not a stranger to having less than those around me. I grew up in a family that often struggled to make ends meet. I almost never had clothes that fit in. Imagine being in 6 and 7th grade and wearing your sister's hand me downs.  Not a big deal right?  My sisters just happened to be 10 and 13 years older than me.  I was literally wearing late 60s clothing in 1979 and 1980. Now we like to call it vintage and retro. Then you could call it misfit. Money was always an issue. What a bother! Lack of money meant not driving until age 18, not going to college, and not participating in activities that my friends and even extended family got to do.

When Steve and I married we were in Bible school. We went to this particular school largely because it was free. We shared a double wide trailer with 8 other girls the first year of our marriage.  The second year, along with two single women, we shared the home of a couple who were on a missionary journey for a year. The third year of our marriage we finally got a modest apartment all to ourselves. By this time we were on staff with a mission organization and raising support. There really wasn't much of it either.  I have a fond memory of emptying our piggy bank to buy a sub sandwich that we were both craving. By God's grace we always had more than we needed. 

My roots were humble.  I learned how to be frugal and how to do fun things on a shoestring. That was just the reality of my life, and really I didn't mind it so much-once I got a bag of super cool hand me downs from a cousin when I was in 8th grade. Due to my lack of money I never thought I had a problem loving it.  I never had it long enough to love it.

Over the years our lives changed.  We never had as much as most of the people we hung out with, but we felt blessed.  God supplied our every need, sometimes in amazing and miraculous ways. We weren't struggling with basic survival. God began to impress upon our heart the desire to give.  We began to increase our giving.  What joy that brought.  It became a passion of mine to figure out how we could live more simply so we could give more. Love money?  Not me!

Enter the present. Following God's leading has meant leaving security of a pay check. It blows my mind to think that God has fully supplied all that we have needed for the last 8 months.  My husband Steve has only been able to earn about 2 months worth. We have felt truly grateful to God for his provision.

I've had this nagging thought in the back of my mind lately. Love money?  How is this possible?  How can you love something you don't have?  How can wanting to pay your bills be wrong? When it becomes your focus.  When you think longingly about having enough more than you think longingly about God.  When it causes unbelief to take root in your heart. I'm not hoping to be rich.  I'm hoping to have enough to pay rent next week.  Am I hoping with the assurance that God who did not spare his own son will freely give us all of these things?  Yes...and no.  It's a fight - but it's a good fight.

If being stripped more than ever means a stripping of the love of money that I didn't know existed then it's good.  If it results in recognizing more than ever complete neediness and dependence on God then it's worth it. If heaven looks brighter, and Christ is more prized then it is a valuable lesson.  How can the clay say to the potter "why did you make me this way?"  How can I question God as to why must we go through this trial if it's what he has deemed necessary?

My 10 year old son came to me today disappointed about something he wasn't going to be able to do in part because of - you guessed it - money.  I talked to him about submitting himself to God's will. I told him that God knows what is best for us and that he has reasons for what he does.  I told him that God is concerned for his glory and our good. I then asked him if his attitude toward the disappointment could bring glory to God.  He said yes.  Now the question is will I practice what I preach? 

Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  Hebrews 11:6

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If you've read any of my previous posts you know that our family has been in the midst of financial crisis that is very faith building. Despite this we have so many blessings. I'd like to list them now because God is good. Here they are in random order.

• Old friends that we can pick right back up with no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other.
• New friends who have welcomed us into their circle.
• Shelter that exceeds our expectations - a rental that is even better than the home we previously owned.
• Food on the table at every meal and available in between meals as well.
• Good health in general - especially during this time without medical insurance.
• Music that plays in our home whether it's our daughter playing piano or the music on the stereo that uplifts our souls.
• God's word which feeds us. His promises that give us reason to hope. His presence to walk with us in good times and bad.
• Clean water.
• A church that has become the dearest place on earth to us.
• Freedom to worship, own Bibles, homeschool, talk to our children about God, and share Christ with others.
• Clothes that we get to launder in our automatic machines.
• A grain mill and bread mixer that were both gifts from God to supply us with daily bread.
• Parents who love the Lord.
• A car that works.
• The ability to read and hundreds of books available to us.
• Music that we can sing and praise God with.
• A family that loves each other.
• Refrigeration
• Fireplaces (in the winter of course)
• Laughter
• Hugs

The list could be endless!

Though the above list is in random order I saved the best for last.

Jesus Christ, who humbled himself, became a man, lived a sinless life, faced rejection from people, and the ultimate rejection of his Father to die for my sins; raised from the dead and seated at the right hand of the Father where he lives to intercede for me.  Though many of the above blessings could vanish tomorrow this one is forever.  Which makes me think of one other blessing worth mentioning. A heart that has begun to rejoice in the gospel like never before. This like every other blessing is truly a gift from a kind, loving and merciful Father.

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"Nothing is more suffocating, more soul stifling than the feeling of hopelessness.  When you've tried every option, it's despairing to think that you've come to the end of your rope with no aid in sight. Hopelessness breeds when we fail to sense God's hand in the hardship, or the presence of his help.  It's demoralizing to feel as though God is off somewhere, distracted by the needs of more obedient saints."

"Hope is built on fact.  And the fact is God never becomes distracted from your life.  He never takes time off from tending to our needs. When troubles come, he doesn't back away to allow Satan a free hand. Today's verse  [God is our refuge and strength, and ever present help in trouble Ps. 46:1] assures that not only is the help of God available and accessible at all times but God himself is the always-present help in every trial."

You see behind my anxiousness lies a suspicion that God will tire of "bailing us out" of our troubles. This in itself is a failure to recognize God's sovereignty in putting us in this situation in the first place. 

Here is where the dots got connected in my mind. After reading the devotional, God brought to mind the verse from Hebrews where God promises to never leave us or forsake us. Then God brought to my mind the crucifixion account I had just read.  Jesus cries out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" Then it dawned on me that I deserve to be forsaken.  My sins are enough to stir up God's justice against me and have him forsake me but instead he forsook his own son. I will never have to endure God forsaking me because Christ took this on my behalf.

Then came a conviction of sin. Why do I suppose God will get tired of helping me? Because I am often sinful in my own reactions towards the needs of others. I want everything to get fixed as quickly as possible for my own ease and comfort.  Because of this I can get impatient with a child who keeps making the same error over and over, the friend who keeps struggling with the same despair, or the person who doesn't seem to be listening to the help I try to offer. It is a dangerous thing for me to project my own sinfulness onto God. We are told over and over that God is slow to anger, gracious, compassionate, long suffering, ready to help.

What's my response? Turn from this sin of distrust. Turn towards the sovereign lover of my soul and rejoice in all that he is. I am never forsaken. Praise God!

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This morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm across the room.  As I got up to turn it off everything in me wanted to go back to bed.  That’s the reason the alarm clock is across the room in the first place. This is not an unusual problem and it’s much harder to push the snooze button if I can’t reach it.  It wasn’t until after I had taken a shower and consumed two mugs of tea with honey that the overwhelming urge to retreat to my bed subsided. How I dislike being tired.

Let’s face it life is tiring. I’ve been home schooling for 10 years and I’m still waiting to hit my stride.  I’m still hoping for the day my kids will “get it”, and still wondering why it continues to be such hard work.  My oldest will begin high school at home next fall.  How can we ever be where we need to be by then? The truth is that we have struggles with each of our 3 kids. There are struggles with academics and struggles with sin.  They are people. They have struggles with my husband and me as well. We mess up pretty frequently. 

On top of home schooling, life is full of other duties such as: the projects that never got finished, the projects that never even got started, the books I should be reading personally, the books I should read to my kids, the areas that need to be cleaned and organized in my home, the blog I should write in, the seeds I should get started, the people I should befriend, the friends I should encourage, the neighbor I should witness to, the list of people I should be praying for, the menus I should plan out, the home industry I should begin, and the list goes on and on.

It will never change in this life.  I will always be incapable of doing all that I should be doing. I know I am not alone in this.  Just in the last week I’ve talked with three friends who are overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities.  All of us are in the same predicament though our circumstances are very different.

So when Jesus invites all who labor and are heavy laden to come to him he speaks to everyone, because not one of us can ever do it all.  We can’t even handle the daily tasks without some measure of frustration or idolatry let alone the task of being right with God.  The solution?  Take the yoke of Jesus on us and learn of him because his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

If a brick stacked on top of me represented each thing I needed to do throughout my life I would have a pile reaching beyond the stratosphere.  Jesus offers to remove all of the bricks if we join ourselves to him.  His easy yoke and light burden is simply to cling to him and what he accomplished on our behalf.  Not to have a spotless home, not to have perfect children, not to do everything on my to do list.  Just to take credit for the perfect life he lived.  What an amazing truth!  He tells us we will find rest for our souls.  That’s permanent rest.  I am free from the endless striving to be good enough praise God!  I never could be good enough anyway, not one thing I ever accomplish can be added to his perfect work.  That’s the gospel.  That Jesus Christ died for my sins, my shortcomings, and my imperfectness.

I know what you may be thinking.  The to do list still exists.  Life is not just about sitting back and doing nothing.  You’re right.  But when was the last time you really rejoiced and meditated on the thought that you don’t have to do anything to earn your salvation?  You can’t do anything to earn your salvation.  God is pleased with you even when your to do list is a mile long if you are yoked to Jesus; if your life is joined to his.

Step off the treadmill with me long enough to revel in that fact.  Then and only then, through the power God supplies, do the next thing.  For me that means I will be taking dinner out of the freezer.

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Last night I must admit I went to bed feeling some condemnation.  I vented a bit in yesterday's blog and then in the evening I watched a short video about one couple's faith during pretty extreme circumstances.  Their health issues made our financial issues seem petty. After I watched it I began to compare my lack of faith with their faith.  Bad move!

So it's just like God to wake me up this morning with a song.  It seems he does that recently.  Music has always spoken to my heart in a way that words don't.  I am blessed to be a part of a church where the music is centered on the gospel.  So this morning I awoke with these lyrics running through my head:

Lord I'm thankful, amazed at what you've done.
My finest efforts are filthy rags.
But I'm made righteous by trusting in your son
I've got God's riches at Christ's expense.
Cause it's grace, there's nothing I can do
To make you love me more
to make you love me less than you do.
And by faith I'm standing on this stone
of Christ and Christ alone
His righteousness is all that I need
Cause it's grace.

Grace - Stewart Townend

I'm so thankful for grace! 

So, I had overslept a bit but managed to go into my prayer closet to read today's chapter - Galatians 6.  Paul says: Far be it from me that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world. 

Soon after I find myself at the breakfast table singing this month's hymn with the kids.  When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.  Is there a theme here?

Forbid it Lord that I should boast
save in the cross of Christ my God
All the vain things that charm me most
I sacrifice them to his blood

I think I'm beginning to get the point.  Is it glorifying to God that the couple in the video I watched exhibited extreme faith?  You bet!  Is it glorifying to God that I am struggling in my faith?  You bet!  Glorifying God in victory or struggle; it all points to Christ's work on my behalf.  It's my lack of faith that caused his death. I don't have any righteousness of my own.  I can boast only in the cross that credits me with Christ's righteousness.  Yes that's right, my lack of faith, my bad attitudes, my tendency to complain, don't make a dent in the righteousness that is credited to me because it's Christ's not mine.

 May it never be that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.  When I am full of faith it's grace; when I am lacking faith it's grace. His righteousness is all that I need.

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Faith can be such a struggle. Faith is not wrapped up in feelings but it sure can seem that way. 

Nobody really knows the very real and imminent crisis our family is soon to be facing.  Nobody really knows everything about the very real crisis our family has been facing for the last 8 months.  Many times we have thought  "well this is it," the loss of all things, and then some miraculous provision appears. Emphasis on things.  Anything eternal is not in danger, relationships are not in danger, grace is not in danger. But still it can be hard not to get swallowed up in self pity. 

No one knows, no one understands. Yet the words the Holy Spirit whispered to me 8 months ago still ring true. "Your heavenly father knows you have need of these." Why is it that with each provision I grow less likely to believe it will happen again?  How much more can we expect of God?  Why does it not feel like enough that he knows? Can I trust him to do something about it?  Will he just keep rescuing us in the nick of time?  Will we continue to be helpless for who knows how long?  Is it fair that we had to give up what seemed to be a comfortable life to follow God's call?  Is it fair that we no longer own a house and as it stands can't see a way to own one again? Why does this particular struggle have to permeate so much of life, so many decisions, even small ones? How can I relax and enjoy what God has given today when it may be all gone tomorrow?  How do we choose how to use what provision is left?  What happens if we can't pay our rent, our utilities, etc.? Why won't God bring relief from this consuming burden? Even though we know we are dependent on God ultimately why does it feel like we are dependent on people? I don't like these questions.  Nor do I want to have this lack of faith characterize my life.  This is all so very humbling.

This is what it looks like in the midst of struggle.  It would be good to make things sound prettier than they are. I have those moments where I feel full of faith and those moments where I can't  feel anything but despair. This is reality.  I am just one person.  My struggle is nothing unique.   So we face financial crisis all the time. So have countless people through the ages.  Someone else faces heartbreak, persecution, and any number of sorrowful things in this fallen world.  Is it enough that my heavenly father knows and cares about our struggle? 

Therein lies the fight of faith. Do I believe what he says or not? Is life fair?  No, of course not. It was not fair that Jesus lived a perfect life and then got punished for my lack of faith, my selfishness, my sin.  Saying that may sound impressive but  my life proves whether or not I really believe it.  So I must preach to myself over and over and pray that God plants the truth deep in my heart.  Why so downcast O my soul?  Put your hope in God.  Good advice.  He knows all about my failings and his grace is sufficient.  His power is made perfect in weakness.   Phew, it's a good thing!

PS:  It's hard to post this because it seems like I'm baring a lot of ugliness for anyone to read.  I fear too that people who know me will feel awkward or like they must do something to help.  That's my pride again.  I'm going to post it simply because I said this blog is about how the cross affects real life and real emotions. These are my emotions right now.  I have had countless posts in my head that I never wrote.  I want to look back and see the faithfulness of God teaching me more about himself and never writing it down will make that harder.  Also, I want to be honest about what is in my heart.  It can be tempting to only share when I feel victorious or on the other side of a trial.  I literally wrote this in the midst of feelings of despair and unbelief.  Yet by the end my tears were gone and I have confidence that God will use this AGAIN  to conform me to the image of his son somehow.

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A couple of weeks ago I came across a prayer entitled Shortcomings in The Valley of Vision - A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions that really hit home for me.  The part that has been going through my mind very often since then is this: 

Worry is a sin which is often obvious but it can also be subtle.  Fearing what never will be is a good definition.  Many things in my life fall into this category.  Will my kids really understand what Jesus did for them and grow up loving him?  Will they really feel the Spirit's conviction in their life?  Will they grow up and know what they need to know to become successful adults?  Will my husband's 100% commission job ever yield an income that will not leave us wondering how our bills will get paid?  Will he get the accounts that he's been working on so long which would greatly benefit our family?  Will our future include Pastors College?  If it does how will it be paid?  What will future ministry look like? Will I have the grace to face whatever lies ahead? Fearing what never will be. 

These are some of the current desires of my heart and I often fear that they will never be.  But why?  There is no need for fear.  God has an active will that reveals a steadfast purpose on my behalf.  He has an active will for my children as well, and for our family.  It's not all about me and what I want but what he wants.  I can trust that his purpose is for his glory and our good.   Knowing that he is actively working on my behalf truly does quiet my soul and it really does make me love him.  What may or may not happen in my future is something to be left in the hands of God.

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Lack of feeling has kept me from writing.  I've been learning, growing and realizing more of God's amazing grace, but the overflowing joy that I long to feel still isn't there.  Yesterday God gave me a precious new perspective on what I don't feel.  I was in my prayer closet just beginning my devotional time.  I began to pray and the first sentence out of my mouth was, "Lord, I don't feel..." I never finished what I had wanted to say.  I had planned on once again telling God that I wasn't feeling a lot of joy or overwhelming desire in my life but instead this came out of my mouth.  "I don't feel condemnation, I don't feel guilt, I don't feel worried or fearful about the future, I don't feel burdened to do something to fix our situation."  I must say that the closest thing I've felt to joy in a couple of months came over me right then.  Still no rush of feelings, or surreal experience but a thankful heart to God for what I am not feeling.  That is an evidence of his grace in my life.  His sacrifice on the cross assures me that I don't need to feel condemnation or guilt.  His word tells me that he has an active will and is planning on my behalf so I don't need to worry.  The best part was that I didn't do anything to not feel those things they just weren't there and believe me I know what those things have felt like.  That gives me assurance that the other feelings will be there when God wants them to be but in the mean time I praise God for what I don't feel.

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It's been awhile since I've written.  That's not to say that nothing has been going on.  Last week my husband and I went through what felt like intense spiritual battle.  Faith was being challenged in our lives.  We were focusing on our current circumstances which appeared bleak instead of the faithfulness of God. However, that crisis has been diverted.  In place of the feelings of despair, there are feelings of dullness.  Almost so much so that when I began this week, I questioned whether something I said or did or thought last week could have caused God to turn away from me.  The cross  showed me that of course that is not the reason.  Christ endured my shame already, I can rest in that.  So again, the struggle this week is faith.  Not faith that God will take care of us but faith that the cross is enough to pardon a sinner like me.  It is enough whether I feel great joy right now or not.

 I was encouraged this morning through the memoirs of Jonathan Edwards.  I saw several diary entries where he described his day as dull and lifeless.  The amazing thing about this to me is that he wrote this on several occasions in the midst of making his famous resolutions.  One day in particular stands out to me.  He writes: Wednesday, Jan 2. Dull. I find by experience, that, let me make resolutions, and do what I will, with never so many inventions, it is all nothing, and to no purpose at all, without the motions of the Spirit of God; for if the Spirit of God should be as much withdrawn from me always, as for the week past, notwithstanding all I do, I should not grow, but should languish, and miserably fade away.  I perceive, if God should withdraw his Spirit a little more, I should not hesitate to break my resolutions, and should soon arrive at my old state.  There is no dependence on myself.  Our resolutions may be at the highest one day and yet, the next day, we may be in a miserable dead condition, not at all like the same person who resolved.  So that it is to no purpose to resolve, except we depend on the grace of God. For, if it were not for his mere grace, one might be a very good man one day, and a very wicked one the next.  I find also by experience, that there is no guessing out the ends of Providence, in particular dispensations towards me - any otherwise than as afflictions come as corrections for sin, and God intends when we meet with them, to desire us to look back on our ways, and see wherein we have done amiss, and lament that particular sin, and all our sins, before him: - knowing this, also that all things shall work together for our good; not knowing in what way, indeed, but trusting God.

My natural inclination when I come through a trial is to grit my teeth and proclaim that I don't want to mess up again.  But without the spirit of God working in me that is exactly what happens.  Once again the challenge is to always reflect on the cross of Christ.  In moments of despair, in feelings of dullness, or in great joy, it doesn't matter - the truth never changes - Christ came into this world to save sinners of whom I am chief.  The work is done! Praise God for this indescribable gift!

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Several years ago I was touring a friends house.  She lived in one of those quaint older homes that had ivy growing on the front and a large stone fireplace downstairs.  It was quite a neat house but it was her closet that I envied.  She had a normal closet but at the back of that was a small door that opened up into a another small storage type space. Perfect for throwing some blankets, pillows and  a basket full of devotional items in.  Oh what a haven I imagined was to be found if I only had a closet like that!  Escape from noise and interruptions, just peaceful quiet time.  Our house was a typical ranch style and the only space that could have compared was a musty root cellar in the basement with no light or heat and full of creepy crawlies.  No thanks!

Now we've moved and we live in yet another ranch style house.  We've been living here happily for a few months and my devotional time has been in the family room and as usual very open to interruption.  About a week ago I was changing the furnace filter.  Our furnace happens to be in a little room with louvered doors that shut. It also has a light and a heat vent. Hmmm, my mind began to work.  An hour or so later after sucking up all of the cobwebs with a vacuum I had my very own prayer closet.  With just enough room for my folding chair, basket of devotional items and leg room to spare I have finally found my haven!  I tacked up some matboard scraps that I had been given and now I have a place to grafitti Bible verses  and quotes that speak to me.  Our funace is set to run in the morning to bring the temperature of the house back up to more liveable standards.  I don't like noise since I'm always surrounded by it but there is something comforting about the white noise of the furnace.  It sounds like warmth to me.  I'm happy in my little prayer closet. 

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I love to be alone, but I don't like to be alone in a crowd of people. I love quiet time and the feeling that it's just me and Jesus. I long for this and relish those times. Being alone in a crowd is different. It says to my heart, "you are an outsider, you don't quite fit in. People are content without you." Maybe that is truly reality, but even if it's not they are the heart feelings of an insecure person. It's being in a new high school all over again and feeling the pain of walking the halls alone. That's where my emotions put me when I'm alone in a crowd. But what is reality?

The same Jesus and me that I experience when I am totally alone is there when I feel alone. The same Saviour who cherishes me in private cherishes me in public whether I feel awkward and clumsy or not. So what's the difference? My focus is. When my focus is inward I feel alone. When my focus is upward I know I have a close companion.

My prayer is this; that the next time I feel alone in a crowd I will remember that I am one of the crowd who put Christ to death. That his death purchased me and one of the blessings resulting from his death and resurrection is that I will never be alone. Separation from him no longer. Total acceptance because of Jesus.

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Sara Groves has a song on her album Add to the Beauty entitled "Loving a Person". A couple of lines from that song stand out to me. "Loving a person just the way they are - it's no small thing it takes some time to see things through." Later she says: "love and pride can't occupy the same spaces and only one makes you free." Those are thought provoking lyrics, however, I had a moment of clarity on the issue of loving people as I was reading a book that a friend recently gave me. The book is called I Told The Mountain To Move. It's a book about prayer but also about loving people. The author Patricia Raybon explains that she thought relationships with others was about her. She then writes: "Loving other people, it turns out, is all about them." A simple statement for sure but it has made me ponder my own relationships.

How often do I love people according to how it affects me? Will this be inconvenient? Will it be costly? I'm too tired, I don't feel like it, they annoy me and on and on. But loving a person is about loving THEM, not me. Lightning flashes, thunder peals, lightbulbs all go off in my brain.

Since this blog is called Cross Reflections how does the cross fit into this? I don't see my selfish instincts of loving people reflected at the cross. Instead I see Jesus enduring excruciating pain for my sin and selfishness. For ME, he was loving ME. But not only that, he gives me an example of what this kind of love looks like. As he is hanging there enduring the worst moment of his life he takes the time to love the thief next to him. If ever there was an inconvenient moment this was it! If ever anyone in history had a right to ignore a person or be rude to them it was him at that moment. Instead he uses up some of his last bits of strength to comfort a dying man and speak words that reward his simple faith.

It's a good thing for me that God doesn't love like I do. Indeed loving a person just the way they are is no small thing, and as Sara Groves says "it's the whole thing."

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In my home there are certain things that are always getting swallowed up mysteriously. Of course there are the socks that disappear into thin air, but in addition there are also bills, checks, pens, pencils, glue sticks, scotch tape and scissors. We must have 10 pairs of scissors in this house but do you think there are any to be found when needed? I have 2 pairs of kitchen scissors but last week when I needed them to cut up chicken they were missing. Whenever something like this happens my mind begins to dwell on the glory of the days of the pioneers. Oh how wonderful it would have been to have lived in Laura Ingalls Wilder days when there was very little stuff to keep track of. I bet in those days everyone knew right where everything was at every moment. Of course I realize how far from the truth those thoughts are but you know the grass is always greener and history looks romantic from my mundane life of searching for lost items. I have made some strides in this area; a reorganized filing cabinet, a central location for mail and key hooks help. However, I am only one person and my kids are known to find the strangest things under their beds or dressers, at the bottom of their hampers or in the back corner of their underwear drawers. I can't really blame it all on them though, my glass pitcher was left outside for a week because I had failed to bring it in after using it to water the new bulbs I had planted last weekend (we hadn't found the hoses after moving). Pitchers don't just get swallowed up you know, they get forgtotten and then left somewhere.

For all of the frustrating swallowing up around here there's a good swallowing up. It's the things that Christ swallowed up on the Cross. For starters there's death. Then there's pride. Sin's grip, condemnation, despair, fear, and self, which is at the root of it all. I bring all my ugly stuff and it gets swallowed up by Christ's goodness, his righteousness, his victory at the cross. I don't have to long for a simpler life, he offers it to me - eternal life plain and simple and not just that but forgiveness for all my failings and all of my forgetfulness of what he's done.

I've been going through some battles lately and feeling so out of sorts. I've longed for joy only to find it eluding me. This morning I felt the weight leaving me as we sang over and over these words: "Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead." How I long for my life to be swallowed up by the cross - it needs to be forgotten and left there.

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My husband and I have been blessed with that happy ability to fall asleep moments after our heads hit the pillow. This makes it tough sometimes because we want to be reading more but when we choose to go to bed earlier and read, just a few pages into it my eyes begin to roll. So last night why was I wide awake listening to the gentle snores beside me? This blog of course! The question on the forefront of my mind was WHAT AM I GOING TO WRITE ABOUT TOMORROW? You must understand that if you happen to be reading this you are in the company of 2 or 3 others, half of those being my own family members - not even the ones who live far away but the ones in my own house. What pressure! But there's the truth of it, I care about what people think of me too much. I certainly want them to think that I am somehow profound. I am not. Can I tell you a bit about me? I just moved from a place where many people either knew me or at least knew of me because of my husband is a people person and thrived in that small community. Now I live in a city and I am a nobody. I am not very intelligent, or exceptionally gifted so I don't have much to offer. However, this morning, a new friend encouraged me to keep this blog about Christ's work. Good advice. I am nothing but he is everything. I bring nothing to him that is of any value. My works and any sliver of intelligence I may have are filthy rags. Only Jesus, give me Jesus! I find it a strange thing that there is such humbling at the cross but not condemnation. I get those mixed up much to often. My new setting is helping me to see reality - not the part about how unimpressive I really am, I've known that for a very long time and oddly enough that is the root of most of my pride - but the part about who Christ really is and what he really offers to me. Grace in abundance for all of my weakness and immeasurable love just because of who he is. Tonight when I lay my head down I pray that I may rest in who he is and fall into sweet sleep - no worries about this blog.

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Less than two years ago I didn't even know what a blog was. Then I discovered a gem of a blog that I have been faithfully reading since that time. Ocassionally I link to other blogs but that's been the extent of my blog experience. So here I am begining my own blog. Yes, I am a little slow. I usually have the feeling that there is much more to be learned that I only know the basics of. Like this computer, capable of doing much more than the word processing, emailing, web surfing that I do, it's power is pretty much untapped. My camera is the same way, zoom, focus, click, or my video camera, record, and watch. I am always just barely scratching the surface of the potential that these tools are capable of. That would require work on my part, I'd have to actually read the manuals, and practice what I read. It would take time and I am lazy so that's why I go along content to live on the surface level regarding my machines. Hmm, is that my spiritual life too? Am I content to have just a little of God? Am I so lazy that I don't want to put forth the effort to go below the surface in my life with him? I thank God that I don't have that choice right now. I am in a position where taking the shallow way out just won't work. Hallelulah now we can get somewhere! Only God's grace and mercy through Jesus make this possible. I long for ease and comfort but those things are not a part of the school of faith. So yes, I am a little slow but thankfully the Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding steadfast love. The Lord is good to all and his mercy is over all he has made. Ps. 145:8&9 I hope this blog will be a chronicle of that deepening walk with God and my joyous reflections about the work of Christ. However, I think I hear crying upstairs and I need to get on with school - the academic kind - or is our homeschool also a part of my faith school?

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