Alarm goes off. At five am. Half of the time, I slam it off. The other half, I actually get up, eat, and go quietly out of the house for my half hour walk with my rock music. Common? Maybe.
Since May twentyfirst, wake-up-early-get-ready-and-good-mood days and those go-away-I-REALLY-want-my-sleep days have been alternating. And not just literally.
May Twenty-Seventh:
We were in church, got through our regular lesson. Well, Jordan decided to try to goad me into being angry, kept mentioning Billy, etc. Then our teacher had us give our best memories of our class. Commander Cool (aka Jet) said we'd start on his right (so not his choice to sit there, nor was it mine to start!) and go around. The only thing good I could come up with was meeting Nikki, a friend of mine. Then everybody went around and I realized how many people had been here for so long... then at the end, Beth and I were ticked off at the guys, and everybody else sided with Jet and Jordan, and we had this battle where we kept tearing guys and girls down in general. Finally, the teacher told Jet to say something nice to Beth and I. I wouldn't look at him as he spoke. I was a little shocked. Somehow he knew we'd been hurt by people, and he said he hoped we'd find that all guys weren't evil, and that there were people out there that were good and that would take care of us. Then Miss Debbie went around and complimented everybody in the group. Jet and I were last. I stopped her before she could say anything about me. I was real. For once, I was truly real. I explained I wasn't a time bomb waiting to go off usually, how I was so sick of pretending to be perfect, how I had judged Jet and Jordan and the others to be like the people who had hurt me, how I was sorry, how I really wasn't bloodthirsty or evil. Then after she finished with Jet, I handed her that poem I wrote and asked her to read it aloud. She teared up, and I didn't know why... I just wanted the seniors to know I was praying for them, and I didn't know how else to say it. But today, I made a new friend. I was real, and I made a friend based on who we were, not who we pretended to be.
It's amazing. Ya gotta try being real. It rocks.
that was kind of an up.
But then later that day, Mom was upset because we got out so late, and then JD said something about avoiding guys, and she was telling me if I didn't cut it out, I'd be grounded to my room for life. Some days, I really wish I was.
And then school let out for the public schoolers. I REALLY do not like having them around all day, so I'm pretty glad my neighbor got a job. 
Then May 31st, my dad and I went to NYC for Book Expo America. The biggest convention supposedly. 
It is seriously big.
June Seventh:
HECTIC. We stayed in Times Square, saw a three story ToysRUs, visited M&MWorld, had dinner at a four story TGI Friday's, saw Les Misérables, went to BEA (which is what we were there for), met several authors, went to Museum of Modern Art, FAO Schwarz (which is amazing...), went on a carriage ride through Central Park, watched High School Musical on tv, and didn't get much sleep at all. 
With about seventy pictures. I'm exhausted...
and depressed. I had a dream about a friend... I miss him. A year ago, he disappeared from all knowledge, then about four months later, one of my friends found out his dad and stepmom were getting a divorce, and our friend had decided to go really goth, with a mohawk and black and everything. I can't help but wonder if this was partially my fault. I said some pretty nasty things a few years ago... the kind of things people CANNOT forget. I still beat myself up about it, especially since I'm sure I had something to do with this.
At this point, I'm pretty surprised I didn't have a serious breakdown. :)
And Yesterday:
"The Irresistable Revolution" is the book my new youth group and I are discussing. It's amazing... but I just managed to get into the wrong group again. Jet, Barrett, Steven, John, and just about everybody else I wanted to avoid are in that group. 
Oh well. As long as they stay far away from me, and I quit this stupid problem I have of prejudice and everything, I think we won't kill each other.
My brother is being a pain. Literally.
Call me crazy, but I'm homesick. I'd really rather go to heaven now. I'm so sick of all of this. Not to mention I'm... well, about ten pounds overweight, and although it doesn't seem that much, all I see is fat, and I'm scared of being anorexic.
Well, yesterday we discussed in church how people have needs. My new leader challenged us to find needs on our street.
Idiot that I am, I kept my mouth shut and thought "good grief! Everybody on my street may as well be perfect! What needs can they possibly have?!"
So last night, I finished reading "Irresistable Revolution". I realized I really really would like to help people, homeless, or disabled, or whatever. But I heard that the biggest changes start with the small things. Do I have to do this?! I mean, seriously! I can take on the rest of the world. I can do that. I'd just get pretty stressed and all, but it would be so much easier than this... But NO! We're told to love God with all our heart and soul... and then love our neighbors as ourselves. I felt like asking who's my neighbor, and hope God didn't take "neighbors" literally, because I really dislike my neighbors. Anybody but them.
And somehow, I know I ain't getting out of this.
Anyway, I looked closely at what I had written about my neighbors, and remembered all that I had heard from the parents and the kids. I realized that I knew exactly what they DIDN'T need.
Nobody needs an enemy.
Yet I am that enemy.
They have a need.
They have a need for no enemies.
Can I really give them help to fill that need? I am an enemy. They need no enemies. In doing so, I'd have to renounce my own dislike and accept them... Oh good grief. I do NOT want to do this! Yet it's one of those naggings. *groans* This is one of those things that I'd rather have happen to somebody else and I can be happy about them doing what's right than having to do it myself. And there's that stupid sickening feeling in my stomach every time I think about doing it or not doing it.
Plus I'm REALLY low on sleep. I was up at four thirty this morning. I knew what I was doing last night. I said I'd do this. So I will. But I'm still not sure... I came up with a plan last night, but I'm beginning to feel sick just thinking about doing it.
Yeah, that's what some of the cookies I made are for. 
Peace offering and all that. Although I'll probably be cowardly and leave it on their doorstep. I'm too tired to try to face anybody right now.
Today, I got up nice and early. But really? Maybe I don't want to be awake just yet.
Comments
Aug. 31, 2007 - I am honored to know you
Posted by Katartismosacademy
Even if you weren't my daughter, I'd want you for my friend. You are really an inspiration to me. I cause a lot of problems for you, that's my job (one of the many,) but I don't mean to. I'm sorry when I step in on things that I need to butt out of.
But don't let your flesh, your fear or the devil talk you out of something the Lord has encouraged you to do. The blessing He has in store for you is beyond what you can imagine - don't just toss it.