Okay, I think I figured out what happened to send me into panic mode with regards to homeschooling my five children. It was really a series of unfortunate events, and the insight may help someone else. I'm going to put them into list form to help my brain sort it out.

1. I didn't have a clear vision for why I was homeschooling. I had a whole list of reasons, but some of them were really just someone else's reasons. I needed to single out the ONE reason that motivated me. Mine is that we're in this for the character. I kept trying to add a classical education, but I fell short on those ideals because a genius education would be nice, but it's not my motivation. I let go of some standards that really didn't belong to me.

2. I didn't have enough of a sense of worth in my own decisions. I grew up doing everything well in a small group of people. The accolades set me up for a lifestyle of approval addiction. I took this attitude into my counselling session with my pastor. He never homeschooled, so we pretty much missed each other. His advice was awesome, but some of it added pressure to me because of my own insecurities. What usually works for me is for the pressure to be released. I tend to revert to over-achiever in some areas. He was trying to relieve the pressure by saying it's okay to put them in school. I just needed the imaginary pressure removed. Do you get it?

3. I really wasn't getting out much. We joined the "Y". The boys are now in baseball. Carly is in swim lessons. The twins are growing out of some of their fussiness. The weather is turning nice, so we're out more. This is my weakest area, so I am making a better effort to get involved with the community.

4. I perceived expectations from my husband that he simply didn't have. He understands that laundry may be piled up a little in a busy homeschooling home. I thought I wasn't doing a good enough job. He never felt that way.

5. I wasn't just enjoying my kids.

6. I was focusing on the weeds in my life. We need to fasten our eyes to the righteousness that is ours through Christ as opposed to the characteristics of the "old man". This is renewing our minds. This is putting on the mind of Christ. This is seeing ourselves like God sees us. I tell the teens it's seeing people (and ourselves) with God goggles. I knew it, I just wasn't doing it. When we stare at the sin, we are drawn in by it, and it actualy produces the thing you are trying to avoid. Afterall, you hit the target you are focused on. I was made righteous. I didn't deserve it, but while I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. He already paid for my failures, now I need to walk in that righteousness, not by trying harder ,but by believing what God said about me. By believing that the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me.

So, I'm pretty secure in our calling to homeschool. I feel confidence rising up in me to defend that position if need be. I feel confident that even if the children complain, I know what's best for them, and this IS the best. I'm renewing my mind that it doesn't matter who agrees or understands or approves. I'm not talking rebellion here, I hope that's understood. I'm talking about an inner struggle with self.

So, I'm planning and praying for next year. I'm open to Christian school as an option, but it's gonna take some major God-type stuff to provide the tuition. So, if He doesn't do anything about it, I'm gonna just keep doing what I'm doing. I really think we'll just be doing this for good.

Posted by quietcajun

Have you read my favorite book yet?
When you Rise Up: A Covenental Approach To Homeschooling by R.C. Sprouls... it is just what the "doctor" ordered.

Posted by dawilli

Your list looks great- I mean that in the sense of- it's so good to be able to verbalise those feelings and those reasons for why thing were going the way they were going. Like GI Joe always said 'knowing is half the battle'
It sounds like you have a real good handle on things now, that's so good to see, it inspires me to get some things like that in writing,
keep on keepin' on,
ali