I’ve been passing around bean dip on the net for a few years. It was originally written for attachment parenting and alternative medical choice. I’ve revised it for homeschoolers who are facing varying levels of hostility towards their choices.

As an interesting related note, I find it telling that the spell check on my AOL email does not recognize “breastfeeding” or “homeschooling”. That fact, in and of itself, is why bean dip is so needed. :)

Bean Dip:

I wanted to offer my “bean dip strategy” for homeschooling.

It’s something I’ve learned in my years of parenting using alternative ideas. The specifics may change, but the principal doesn’t. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

In setting boundaries, we don’t need to convince the other person we are right and they don’t have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

Here is an example:

I’ve found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convince someone of the *rightness* of their choices. They will send articles, links, books, cite statistics. All of these things send the message: this is up for debate and discussion, I may be swayed by you.

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defend your choice. No books, articles, links, etc. If the person feels strongly enough *they* can initiate getting some information.

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a “need to know” basis. Most people don’t “need to know.”
Question: “What about socialization?” Answer: Got that covered, thanks! Want some bean dip?

Question:”They will need to function in the real world” Answer: “Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?”

“What about college?” Answer: “Yes, our children will be going. Thanks! Want some bean
dip?”

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). If it’s a pattern of intrusion, for example. Practice kind but firm responses:

“I know you love us and the children. We are so glad. Our education choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again”

Don’t confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New HSing moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. New HSing parents often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to “defend” themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don’t defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. “We are quite comfortable with our choices. Want some bean dip?”

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply “I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the children. I’ll parent the child - you enjoy them. Let’s not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room.”

One thing I want to add is to *carefully* chose who you vent/rant to about parenting issues. Homeschooling is like breastfeeding in a way. Normal struggles get blamed and dumped on homeschooling (like normal baby/adjustment issues get blamed on breastfeeding). People will attribute parenting issues to the fact of your homeschooling. The more aggressive/hostile ones will deliberately capitalize on the opportunity and will use your parenting challenge as a way to force their anti Homeschool agenda. So, be very selective who you talk to about the specifics on your life.

This article has come in handy NOW since most people (neighbors / new friends) are asking me where my kids will go to school. I am gaining the confidence to say "I will be homeschooling." Last night I went to a dinner with some new girls. Of course they asked this question--in which I responded my intention. There was an akward silence.

Later that evening I confided in Daddy BKR what had happend. He simply said "I bet there will be some conversation tonight!" It's so true and very sad. I  think it's such a blessing that we have diverse choices in education...one that we can tailor to fit the needs of our children.