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Avonlea Academy
Feb. 19, 2009
February Thoughts
It's been too long since I've written here. Several times I'd come here to write something and then close the tab to move onto something else. My heart just hasn't been in it. My brain has been on fast forward. And my plate has been too full. Mostly, I've simply lacked peace.
As most of you know (those kind souls who actually take the time to read my blog!), our pastor resigned last March. This is always a stressful point in a church's life, and our church was no different. It didn't help that he left to start a new church a few miles down the road, taking many of our younger church members with him (not directly but indirectly). I wish them all well, but I would be lying if I said that didn't hurt sometimes.
Our music minister left within a few months of our pastor, taking with him a huge piece of my life. They were our best friends; our kids played together, fought together, were basically siblings with each other. Us adults felt much the same way. :)
In addition, the music ministry/creative arts ministry was (is) my main ministry at church. I don't want to talk about how much it means to me, actually, because, well, I just don't. There are just lots of things (feelings, insecurities, trust issues, joy, etc.) tied into all of this.
For a long while, my email signature was the quote about turning to God when our foundations are shaking only to find that it is God who is doing the shaking. That is exactly how I've felt. That has not always been an easy concept to deal with (and is still not all that easy to accept).
In other words, God and I have been struggling the past 10 months or so. I do not apologize for that, and I'd better not hear simple platitudes from anyone telling me that my faith just needs to be stronger or whatever. That is not real life to me. I am not that easy in my faith. Although in some ways I envy people who are, that is not who I am.
God and I will probably continue to struggle my whole life. And, yes, I know it's me, not Him, so don't bother typing out your lectures. 
So what is the point of this cynical rambling? Good question.
I've been on the pastor search committee, meeting nearly every week since last March. I have been at some of the lowest points of my life this past summer and fall. I have struggled with an increasingly pessimistic attitude on life, something that is not inherently in my nature. (I truly am an idealist, but when idealists have their ideals crushed they tend to get cynical.)
I can remember going to youth camp with the kids just a few weeks after our best friends left. I was exhausted--physically and emotionally. Overall, the week was good; the speaker was fantastic. The music was great. But I remember not being able to sing certain parts of some songs. I won't repeat the exact words here, as I know that would invite some harsh criticism. But I just couldn't and wouldn't sing them. I didn't believe them anymore. I think I'm doing better now, for the most part. I could (and do) sing those lyrics again.
Church has been hard. That is a huge understatement. I have wanted to walk away so many times, but God would not allow me to. That was incredibly frustrating, as I pleaded with Him to release me. But He knew what was best; I do see that now.
My love for my church family keeps me serving. My love for God keeps me pouring myself out for Him. Or maybe it's fear--fear of everything totally coming apart at the seams. It is probably an unholy combination of both. (Do we ever truly have pure motives on anything we do? I don't see how that's possible, honestly, but that's a different topic.)
Anyway, all of that to say, I have hope again. It's a beautiful thing that I have missed. I know Marilla told Anne that to be in the depths of despair is to turn your back on God. (She said it in the movie, anyway, but not in the book.) Regardless, it has felt that way for a long time now. I have been in the depths of despair. I don't think I've exactly turned my back on God, but I definitely gave Him the cold shoulder. I am trying to regain that trust in Him. And asking forgiveness. All that jazz, you know.
So I can't say all of the reasons why I have hope again, as things are still in a somewhat tentative state regarding the pastor search. But I will say that we have a candidate. I think he's awesome, and I am excited about church again. (I have also been up to my eyeballs in committee stuff!)
Um, where was I? Oh, homeschooling. Yeah, sure, homeschooling. We have been homeschooling!
It's been joy and sunshine.  |
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Feb. 20, 2009 - Untitled Comment
Sorry to read that you are going through some hard things with your church family. I've lived through pastors resigning, churches splitting, leaving a church, friends leaving, etc. UGH. Its hard, there's no doubt. I'm also very involved in the music ministry, and our church is looking for a youth pastor and going through changes in our youth ministries and the worship music ministires as a consequence of the youth pastor (who was our very good friend) having left. So I can sympathize with much of what you've described. I don't know you or your church, so I have no idea how God will use these dark times in your life, I just know what he taught me. My lesson was that people and organizations will fail and will let me down, but my God never will. I prayed for you and your church as I read, and will visit here again in expectations that good reports will be coming in time!
Blessings,
Kym