Several Humourous Moments And a Funeral: #1 - The Lobster Show

7:30 PM - Jan. 19, 2006 - Add to the Wildness

My DH, aka Breakneck, had a deacons’ meeting last night. They served some kind of Supercharged SuperCoffee there, made by the Tired Trucker deacon who’s been hauling grain on icy roads all week. So Breakneck was wide awake, which is not normal for him after 9 p.m. We sat up and watched the news, which was mostly about Canada’s upcoming election (let you know how that goes next week).

Then this strange show came on, with three artsy women who were satirizing the intellectual film critique thing with their banter. Usually we avoid "art" films and Canadian films like the plague due to serious conflicts with our values – especially if it’s Canadian art film. We have a running joke in this family that you can tell if it’s Canadian by whether someone is shown using the bathroom somewhere during the "plot." EWWW. Like there’s not enough of that in my house already??

So we’re flipping channels, of which there are only three in our area unless you want to get wireless cable or satellite, and we come back to the three fake-snobby gals and their short films from around the world. One of them introduces the next number with the question, "If meat is murder, then where does seafood fit in?"

Breakneck’s like, "Well, duh, that’s murder too, if meat is murder." Extreme sarcasm from the guy who shot his brother’s beef animal at butchering time because said brother – who’s fine with lopping chicken heads – was too sentimental. ("Oh, good grief! Here, let me do that!!" BANG.)

So there’s this couple sitting at the table in the film, and she says to him – in subtitled French – "What do you want for supper, meat or fish?" And he says, "Well, definitely not meat." So she reads him the gory details of how to draw and quarter a live lobster, and asks him if he’s sure about that. What does he care? He’s not cooking it. He goes out.

Next scene, she’s got these two lobsters in a bag, she’s pulling on gloves and gingerly taking the lobsters out. She puts them on the cutting board, and she’s arranging them here and there, changing her mind about what knife to use, etc. Then she goes and chops onions, and she’s wiping her eyes a little. While her back is turned, one of the lobsters takes the hike off the counter. So she’s tracking it down and sweeping it up with the dustpan.

Cut to her sitting on the couch, flaked out in exhaustion with a big pillow, the lobster upside down in the dustpan beside her. Then – BAM – she slams the pillow over the lobster. Massive aggression complex! Breakneck and I are killing ourselves laughing, and then he goes, "Um, what about the other lobster?"

Sure enough, that’s where the director was headed next. Dustpan Lobster and Traumatized Cook go back in the kitchen, and she suddenly realizes what’s happened. She holds a frantic search, finds the other escapee, and calls it something unrepeatable.

WHACK, off comes the blender lid, and she’s stuffing Escapee #2 into it with all her might. She scrunches her eyes closed, turns her head away, and actually presses the button. LOBSTER PUREE!!! We’re rolling on the floor! In the ultimate cinematic moment, she slowly opens her eyes and turns back to glare defiantly at her deed as the lobster meets its end.

Escapee #2 is then spatula’d into the garbage disposal. We’re going, AWW, GROSS! Then, she’s in the bathroom running water in the tub. Dustpan Lobster is placed in the water.

"A moment of guilt?" I ask Breakneck, and he’s grinning and shaking his head as the Traumatized Cook now watches Lobster #1 paddle around contentedly. Then, Traumatized Cook takes off her cute little French jacket and starts moving her toiletries off the back of the tub, setting them on the floor. "What–? She’s not seriously going to take a bath with the lobster." (This shows you our conviction that the people who make art films will in fact do almost anything in the name of creative pseudo-genius.)

She plugs in her hair dryer. Breakneck figures she’s so fried by her experience, this is going to be her next shot at cooking the thing – Heat Water Slowly. Very Slowly... Well, he was half right.

She turns on the blow dryer. And then, in the crowning moment, she pitches it into the tub. ZOT!!

Blackness. Bye-bye, Lobster #1.

The dispassionate husband comes back at this point, carrying a candle. "What’s wrong?" he wants to know.

"I don’t know. Maybe a fuse," she says.

He goes and flips the breaker, then says, "I’m going to have a bath."

"Okay," she says, gets her coat, and goes out for a walk.

That’s how I would cook lobster if my husband ever made me try.

Second Stop Coming Up: What Ten Years of Marriage Will Do to You.

Thank You!

LOL! Fried lobster! That was funny. I also read your other two posts on funerals and what not. Fun reading!

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Abiding in the Vine!

sagerats - 2:55 PM - Jan. 20, 2006

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