ATTENTION CHURCH MEMBERS WANTED

The GodSquad 1, elite special forces units, who are able to detect, determine, and dismiss fallible Christians. A critical eye, overhearing ears, and bold tongue are needed prerequisites to these positions. Must be able to reduce Christian faith to a skirt length, glass of wine, Disney movie, or rock beat. Yes, you too can be a member of The God Squad 1 and protect the ONE true faith you hold your own! Specialized training will be offered for those especially talented individuals. GodSquad 2 asks, why get trapped by the church? Legalists got you down? There is no condemnation so live it up. Want to be like Eve! Get to know good and evil!  Embrace the world. After all God made it!  Join GodSquad 2 and you will have TWICE the faith.

Apply to join a select group who call themselves The Rod Squad.  (especially needed in the Toddler Room.) Their job, should they decide to accept it, is to identify unruly children and lazy parents. Applicants must have a keen eye, and the ability to roll it. Their own children must always show a mastership of first time obedience.  Furthermore, the Rod Squad member's children are never allowed their own opinions. Daughter's are too be enrolled in sewing by age seven and son's must keep their shirts tucked in--even while swimming.  Individuals subject to extending grace need not apply.

Rod Squad got you down? That's why we need you in the Cod Squad. Coddle your children --they deserve it. Excessively indulge. Do not associate with abusive spankers or parents that make their children eat vegetables. Never allow your darling to be told "no."  It stifles them.  Build their self esteem, cater to every whim, do not expect too much. Let them follow their inner voice. The goodness inside of them is waiting to come out. Make a safe happy environment for them at the expense of  everybody and everything. Cod Squad parent's  must be willing to expose their own children  to evil; it builds their faith and stamina while teaching them to  recognize sin. Don't resist the devil. Show him you can handle him. Must be willing to let the church teach your children about God for you. Uptight need not apply.

Seeking, modest women only to spearhead The Bod Squad. Applicants must demonstrate proficient use of a ruler, measuring skills,  and the ability to judge motives. They must be aware of the specific, yet mysterious, Bod scriptures that tell us exactly how to dress. Special consideration given to women that don't wear jewelry. If you wear heels, pants, nail paint, skirts above calf length, slits or sleeveless tops, do not apply.

Lack of freedom bother you ladies? Join the MyBod Squad. Remember there is freedom in Christ. Super short skirts, navels and low cut says FREEDOM.  Don't worry about distracting men. Teach them to resist. God gave you a bod;, don't be ashamed. Lust is other people's problem. Are you your brother's keeper? Never.

The Sod Squad is seeking applicants to identify believers whose seed does not fall on fertile ground. This group must choke the weeds in others lives. They must know how to use a shovel, plow, and stakes in their determination to fix people. Closely aligned with the Clod club, these folks can dig up dirt.

Four women needed for The Quad Squad. It is imperative they take charge of every ladies event and not allow less competent women in leadership positions. Must possess strong communication skills, and free time to discuss other church members by telephone.

The Prod Squad are the encouragers. Their favorite phrase is, "you should." Their strength lay in their ability to inflict guilt. They can fill any position by forcing people in to responsibility they don't feel "led" to do. They also see wrongs  to correct and believe their prodding is just as good as prayer. Remember prayer is nice, but prodders get the job done.

Members of The Scrod Squad are particularly good at smelling something fishy. If they suspect an individual of something, they are willing to question as many church members as necessary to confirm their suspicions. Help reel them in and be a fisher of men.

Can you face a sticky situation? The Wad Squad is seeking people willing to patrol the sanctuary and confiscate gum from gum chewers. Additionally, they will patrol the choir loft and be prepared to subdue any member who chews. Must be able to keep a sharp eye out for anyone who puts any wear on the building.

Don't confuse the Wad Squad with the Wod Squad.  These folks are loaded with leadership abilities-- proven winners. If you are a CEO or  run a successful business, the church needs you. Say no to excessive diversification and yes to pouring resources in to the "company." If you can oversee strategic planning with a vision of success, depend on charts, diagrams and marketing the product God, join the team. Who needs elders when you've got this team! Remember visioneering means engineering a vision. If you can speculate and engineer a movement go for it.

Be a player on the iPOD Squad.  If you like listening to big names, plug in. Be prepared to tune in to people who have proven themselves. Follow a program, a plan, a person, a campaign! Spirit Led is fine, but following a formula is easier and  can be purchased  on line.

Hone in on the unusual, The Odd Squad watch for suspicious activity like  excessive smiling, tears, hugging, or any other exhibits of blatant emotional frailty. Don't let your church become too touchy feely. Stand in the gap and insist on personal space.

Smart Men needed to fight for The Nod Squad. They must possess a complete command of Scripture, major in predestination, be able to monopolize every Sunday School class, and ignore those heathen that fall asleep during their lectures. If you can drone on and on about foolish arguments and controversies this is the place for you.

As close as two peas in a Pod Squad, members here are committed to one another. They are excellent followers, ready to imitate, willing to disengage their brains, and closely imitate the most popular ideas without thought. If it's successful, it must be ALWAYS right and revered as Scripture. Sign up to lead a Purpose Given Strife small group today.  After that lead Lordship Salvation Documentation, or Hocus Focus on my Magical Family.

Needed:  those whose feet are shod in the preparation of peace. The Shod Squad must be willing to overlook, excuse, smile upon any and every activity of the church or its members. Favorite expression, That's okay. Favorite thought, It's none of my business.   Favorite version: the Newly Revised Feel Good Edition, Bumper Sticker: God is a God of love. I'm not to judge anyone or anything. If you have a good heart that's all that matters. Least favorite word: accountability.

Tired of compromising scripture? Join the KJVod Squad. Thats right. King James Version only delights. Know someone with a NASB or NIV? Teach them to wise up. KJVod folks like accuracy. Preference should be treated as sin. If you liketh to learneth the besteth way and teacheth others how, join upeth.

Bible study boring and stale?  It won't be if you are part of the JamesBrownod Squad. Join today and get your free copy of the "I Feel Good" Bible, so good so fine Hey! It's not watered down; it's palatable. It's not dumbed down; it's user friendly. If doctrine and truth are another reason to hit the snooze alarm, wake up to the "I Feel Good" Bible. It lets you be yourself. No thought required. Guaranteed not to offend. Smells nice too--like sugar and spice. After the book you'll long for the Hollywood mini-series. Sign up today and feel good tomorrow.

Carry a badge privately? Dreams of being in law enforcement? Maybe the Spod Squad is for you. Security Patrol on Duty (Spod) has the responsibility  of keeping a sharp eye out. Make sure  greeters are warm, smiling and providing umbrellas at appropriate times. Children running through the hall--turn them over to the Rod Squad. Song leader forgetting to throw in a hymn? They must please everyone so  imperative you FLASH "Hymn" message during the service. Monitor the bathrooms--one paper towel to dry hands limit.  Keep a sharp look out for unruly choir/praise team  members. Folks doodling on the bulletins? Usher them out.  Folks writing personal notes--confiscate and read from the pulpit/stage. Missions team trying to give too much?  Shut them down.

Youth group leaders needed for the Xod Squad. Can you say X-treme? If you are under the age of 25, know more than parents, are radically, culturally, in to pop culture, ready to immerse yourself in exposure to everything in order to "relate" to the youth we have a job for you!  Trust the kids to do whats right. Must be willing to host following mission trips: White Water Raft Baptism Get Dunk Party, Be a Light for him  Laser Tag Toga Party, Beach Preach Outreach (bring your tanning gel!), and dramatic rendering of Abel and Cain," Food Fight Central" skit.

The Trod Squad can walk all over people, especially the down trodden. If your personality is overwhelming enough to keep the low lower, this job is for you. Come and be ready to walk. Marching orders available to those with no tact. Don't call it blunt, call it honest.

The Mod Squad seeks to create a culturally relevant environment. Crosses will be replaced with java signs. Smell the redemptive power of a latte! Sunday morning-- it's the best part of waking up. Sunday School flannel graphs will be done away with. Super Paul and Mighty David  dolls will fly through the classrooms. Can you say  extreme? Tell your kids to come ready for food fights and videos! Drink root beer shooters out of communion cups! Amazing Grace will be replaced with Amazing Awesome Us. Must be willing to forcibly wrestle ties off men. Individuals who don't like shoes preferred.

You're hired for the Bingod Squad. Thats right, if you like Bingo, pancakes, or turkey dinner fund raisers we have the job for you. Calendars and cookbook sales equal new carpet in the sanctuary.  Why expect people to freely give? Make it giving affordable to give to God's work. Must be willing to lobby at State Capitol for church lotto and powerballs.

If you have attention to detail the Slod Squad needs you. Yes, this hospitality committee Sick, Lazy or Divorce (SLOD) need members to assess when compassion is truly needed.  If you can make a fruit basket you might just have a ministry. Level headedness required to enforce the following: No meals provided after the birth of over three children. Card for appendectomy, tonsillectomy. Small basket with six fruit limit for shoulder surgery/hip replacement. Life threatening surgery may have up to nine pieces of fruit. Repeat medical concerns limited to two fruit baskets to quell abuse with the chronically sick.  Newly divorced  receives unlimited phone calls, cards, and dinner invites from the singles ministry.

For members unable to qualify for these elite positions there is help wanted in The Lord's Army. Must have a humble heart, great love,  desire to surrender to Him willing to abide in Him and grow in His image. Must strive to lead a holy life, and walk the narrow path.  Love others in deed and words--those in those in our circle and out. Must be willing to pray for others, and confront wrongs at times.  Examines everything under the light of the Word of God. Those with Holier Than Thou attitudes need not apply. For contact info seek the face of God. (Equal Opportunity Employer, No vacation time, but the long term  benefits are out of this world.)