Posted in Personal

Things have been very busy for me here.  And I just haven't had the time to do any blogging.  Now I have decided that it's time for me to blog something.  And it's gonna be a rough one.

Tomorrow is one year since my mother's fatal car accident.  When it happened I posted it and the article and her obituary here.  Now that a year has gone by, I have decided to share my experience and what my kids have been through.  Things have really changed, and for the better.  If you would have asked me a year ago if I would feel like this I would have said you are nuts!!  I would never say anything like that.  The morning of the accident, I was gonna call mom and just talk for a little while.  I didn't do that.  I knew she was gonna be getting ready for work and I was busy with the kids and I just thought I didn't have the time do it and I would talk to her that evening when I came into town.  We didn't know it at the time, but the next time I would see her would be the funeral home.  Mom and I had gone shopping the day before and we had made plans for Courtney to go and spend the night with grandma and grandpa in a few weeks.  So things ended on a great note for us.  Anyway, back to that morning.  I had a sense of dread all day.  Like something wasn't really ok, I was irritable and a few other things!  I thought it was that time of the month and that explained the feelings.  A little after noon, my dad called and asked where Anthony was.  I told him he was still at work why?  Dad wanted me to take Anthony his cell phone and have him to call immediately.  I asked Dad why.  He said just do it.  I thought immediately that my grandma had died.  At the time I didn't stop to think that if that was the case, then mom would have called me.  I got the phone to Anthony and came back home.  We lived right across the street from where he worked at the time.  About 15 minutes later, Anthony came in the house and had this look on his face.  I knew deep down that it wasn't grandma but I still denied it.  I asked if it was grandma.  He just shook his head and teared up.  Which is a sight in itself, my 280 lb. 6'2" hubby with tears in his eyes.  I screamed No!!!  Not mom!!  I just was bawling.  I freaked out.  I called my dear friend Kelly and left a message.  I was just heartbroken.  At the time we didn't know that she was dead.  Although looking back I think I did know but didn't want to admit it.  Dad would not allow us to go to that side of town.  I didn't even think about disobeying him.  When we got the final word, we met dad, my sister, and my brother at McDonalds to talk.  By then we had told the kids.  They understood.  They were able to grasp right away what it meant that grandma wasn't coming back.  Courtney still had some trouble with it.  After we left McDonald's we all went to mom and dad's just to be together.  I had to do something so I folded all the clothes that were in the dryer of mom's and dad's.  I was so miserable.  I had lost mom and my best friend at the same time.  I couldn't cry in front of dad or the kids so I kept it all in for most of that day.  Dad and I heard Courtney talking in the back bedroom.  We went back there and over heard her on the phone talking about her grandma.  Dad took the phone away and found that she had dialed 911.  She was asking them to come put her grandma back together again.  The operator was in tears and so were dad and I.  We talked to Courtney and explained that she couldn't do that and that grandma wasn't going to be coming back to see her anymore.  Later that night, we all went home.  I cried all the way there and most of the night.  The next morning we all met at the funeral home to see her body.  We had already decided to have her taken to Arkansas to be burried beside my grandpa in the family cemetary.  It was so hard to see her.  She looked the same but very bloated.  I could tell it was her but I didn't want to admit it.  I couldn't let the kids in to see her.  I was terrified it would have scared them.  Now I wonder if it was the right thing to do.  Anyway, we left that afternoon to go to Arkansas for the funeral.  I cried all the way there.  That's a lot of crying too! It's an 8 hour trip.  I didn't eat.  As soon as we got to my in-laws, my MIL was waiting up.  It was after midnight when we got there and she had to be at work at 7 the next morning.  Anyway, she came out and just hugged me.  She didn't ask me what I needed or what she could do for me.  She just hugged me and told me she understood.  I knew she did.  She lost her own mother only 5 years prior to that.  It was just what I needed was to be held and know I could cry on her shoulder.  I don't remember sleeping, but I'm sure I did.  Before falling asleep, I got this real peaceful feeling and could almost hear mom saying "It's ok.  I'm alright now."  It was so amazing.  We got up on the 29th and we all went to grandma's.  We spent all day there with her.  Mom's sisters and brothers were all there.  Grandma took it so hard.  We had lost grandpa only 4 years earlier.  I spent the day there with them.  The kids were still doing good.  We went back to my MIL's to spend the night.  She took off work the next day just to go to the funeral and be there for me.  The funeral was so nice.  It was so hard.  I did really good until it was time to start the funeral.  I lost it.  They played her two favorite songs "Old Rugged Cross" and "Go Rest High On That Mountain".  It was so hard.  I refused to leave until they had her completely burried.  Anthony tried to get me away but I just couldn't go.  I had to stay there.  We stayed at granny's for a few hours.  Then back to my MIL's for the night before heading back home August 1.  It was so hard to leave mom there and know that she would never be calling me again to make plans for anything.  I was terrified of 18 wheelers after that.  I couldn't stand to have one near me.  Mom lost control of her car and hit one.  They have always made me nervous but I hated them after that.  And that's hard to deal with when your husband works on them all day long right across from your house.  Now comes an even harder part to admit but it's all a part of my journey to where I am today.  It took a week after we got back before I would even drive.  Then I really didn't want to but I had to start again.  There were many times driving along that I would think to myself how easy it would be for me to swerve and hit a pole or hit a big truck and end it all.  All I really wanted at the time was to have my mom back and since I couldn't do that I could join her in heavan.  The main thing stopping me at the time was I couldn't bear to putmy kids or my dad through the pain I was going through.  I know God had his hand on me all the time.  I didn't want to attend church for a long time.  I made myself go because I had to be in the toddler room.  I got so tired of hearing how are you and I know how you feel.  I really wanted to scream at them no you don't!!!  If you haven't lost a mother, especially to tragedy you can't know what I'm feeling!  I know now that they only wanted to help but they didn't know how.  I was in so much pain at the time I just didn't know what to do with myself.  Little things would set me off and make me crazy.  Gradually it got further between times when it would happen.  I thought I was on the mend.  I still refused to have her picture around or hear the songs that were played, but I thought I was doing good.  Then came spring this year.  I don't know why, but I was angry all over again.  I stayed up pretty late one night and just cried and screamed to God.  I was so very angry and hurt that my mother was gone.  After I was done doing that, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness and the strenght to go on.  It was then that I truly started to heal.  Since then, I haven't felt empty and like I had no direction.  I feel that life is moving on and I can go on to.  There are still times that the kids will ask about grandma and say that they miss her.  And that's ok, it really does take time to get through it.  And you can't skip any of the grief steps.  It takes a lot to realize that your life is forever changed.  It will never go back to the way it was before the death.  I heard a sermon at church that really helped me out about Joseph.  He was the favorite son and was spoiled.  If God hadn't allowed him to be sold, jailed, and all that other stuff, maybe he wouldn't have been the great leader that God intended him to be.  Sometimes God has to break us all the way down before he can use us.  I just keep on believing that one day I will be re-united in that great Glory land with all my family that's made it there. 

After a tragedy happens, you learn a few things.  I don't take my family for granted anymore.  You just never know when someone will not be there anymore.  It could happen in a second and your life is changed forever.  People are far more important than any thing could ever be.  You learn what's important in life.  That little tiff you had yesterday doesn't matter if that person isn't there today or tomorrow.