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On this date in 1986, as a freshman in college, after a long search in a dysfunctional church, I gave up. I decided that as long as I was the one in charge of my life, I would end up killing myself in one form or another. I decided someone else should be in charge, someone who made me, who knew me and who would never fail me. It was that day that started following Jesus Christ. I was almost 19, so now I've been following Jesus over half my life. If I were going to give the last twenty years a title, I would call it "Adventures In Obedience". If you need to know what that means, read my very first entry.
In spite of this milestone, I'm experiencing a bit of dread. Winter is approaching and I'm not really looking forward to my life inside this tiny house. We have one more child than we did last year, so we have even less space. Everyone's grown a bit more too -- so the house is actually shrinking. I think I need prayer to not be discouraged with my situation. My older children are in need of bigger beds and there is no room for them. They have few toys as it is, and while they'll have plenty of new things for Christmas, all the new things must fit in a shoe box. (Or we throw out a bunch of old things). I also have logistic problems. If I'm on the couch, trying in vain to nap and Perrin is in the girls' room trying to nap, that leaves only the kitchen and dining room for the older children to quietly entertain themselves. While they do have a little space in our basement for art projects, we have few options and it wears on me. This waiting on God is exhausting. Every fall for the past five years I've thought that I might have a Holiday Season like normal people, perhaps with all my decorations out, with the pretty tableware, with room for guests. Every fall for the past five years, this dream has eluded me. You know, it might never come to pass. Life is hard. We don't know what is around the next corner. I'm only a heart beat away from being a widow. I know someone who was 24 hours away from having their house foreclosed out from under them. They would have been homeless. My situation isn't that much different from them. I guess if that bleak picture is true, then I shouldn't walk in what I don't have. Again. I need to be grateful for what I do have. I have five healthy children. I have parents and in-laws who always make sure the children have plenty of toys. I have a husband who took it upon himself during "Baby Season" to do all of the cooking and cleaning for the holidays. I have strength and energy this year, enough to do stuff with my kids and make this Holiday great. . I really can't sit in this pity party at the same time that I mark twenty years of faith. I've trusted God and his Divine Plan for me for a very long time. I can probably endure this winter (one in which a baby is not expected). I can ask him for grace and good ideas and my hearts desires. I can be cheerful. I can make Christmas more than my lowly, selfish expectations. Please pray for me that I surrender gladly, that I enjoy this season and welcome a little Babe into this humble home.
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Posted by Mom2TwoVikings