My pastor is spending several weeks studying the life of Joseph. His main point on Sunday was that God gives us dreams in order to fulfill them. There is a time and a place for refinement and perseverence, but in the end, God's plan, His success, always comes to pass. We need to believe this.

Well, obviously, this could apply to my housing situation. I started thinking about my dreams and how my honest desires aren't just to endure, but to live in abundance. I don't just want a bedroom, I want my own office and a formal living room (as opposed to a family room) and a dining room big enough to hold a dozen or more people. These are big dreams and I will be the first to admit that they might be creation of my own materialistic tendencies.

This morning, while on the treadmill, I was praying honestly before God and telling him that I don't know if what I want is right, but I want it anyway. I don't know what to do with this.

I felt like the Holy Spirit was pointing something out to me. He said that my strongest desire is not space --although I do need it -- it's solitude. I want a pretty living room so that I can read a book in peace. I want an office so that I can pursue my writing in a quiet place. I want a bedroom so that I can shut the door, paint my toenails, and essentially hide from my family.

The maginfied desire for solitude has such a strong hold on my life, that it is sinful. I acquired this as a result of my childhood. My parents were indifferent toward me and I was left to my own devices. I liked it. When I wasn't wallowing in lonliness and self-pity, I cherished my alone times and I could deal with solitude well. (Once as a high school junior, I spent a day at Walt Disney World's Epcot Center completely alone. I could have chosen a companion, but I didn't. I don't remember being sad about it. I remember being relieved.) Before I was married, I spent a period of about two years as a professional writer, living essentially alone, rarely leaving the house. The only bad thing about that to me was that I gained a lot of weight.

So here I am now, in 650 square feet with a husband and FIVE CHILDREN. This is not a place were my appetite for solitude can be satisfied. For the very first time in my life I realize that I've taken this desire way too far. Even though I am a toy truck's throw away from my children 24/7, my heart isn't with them. I'm still wrapped up in myself. I often eat in the kitchen while they eat at the table. They see me at my computer WAY too much. I lose my patience with them if they dare to creep out of bed after their 8:00 bedtime. I don't give to them selflessly, I give so that I can get to my alone time faster.

Oh, what a wretched mother that I am! The ONLY way that I am going to be like Jesus to my family is if He changes me. I can't change myself. It is no wonder that my living situation is what it is -- I've responded poorly to God's refining fire. He won't release me from it until I repent.

This week, when I get some time alone with my darling husband, I am going to confess this and ask for prayer. Any from you would be appreciated.

But forgive me if I don't blog right away, the Holy Spirit might say not now -- lay down your life for them instead.

This is one of the many lessons of Joseph's life: only in dying to ourselves in our circumstances that our dreams come true.

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Posted by hsingfromtheheart

I have been where you are! Although I am seen by most as a huge extrovert and people person, I too crave alone time to do my own thing. Many years ago God showed me that, like you, I was present but not really THERE for my two boys. It was heartbreaking to realize how selfish I was! When I shared this revelation with a couple trusted friends, they tried to console me by saying it is alright to want time for yourself, you are with your kids 24/7 - they know you love them, etc. They didn't understand - things can look great on the outside, but God was showing me what was going on on the inside. Yes, it is okay to desire to have time alone - it is even important that we do that. But in my heart I knew that this desire had "taken over" - become an idol.

Every now and then God will gently remind me that I'm slipping back into some old patterns. I believe your post and some other recent circumstances have been the nudgings of the Holy Spirit in my life. Thanks for allowing yourself to be used by God today!

Blessings,
Cindy

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Posted by Mom2TwoVikings

Been so caught up in finding "me time" that I found that I'm resenting the majority of my day often since I'm "waiting"and anticipating the time when I'll have a few minutes alone away from Da Vikings and Da Hubby. I'm getting WAY over upset when a shower is interrupted or a 10-minute break to read the paper is ended early by someone falling, getting into something, etc.

Thanks again for a "smack between the eyes" LOL (((hugs)))

Beth

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