My almost nine year old daughter asked me this tonight. It is true. I am crying a lot. I've been crying for about three months or so, trying to shake what it is that is making me so sad.

It has to be more than the house, because the truth of the matter is that my husband's business has been so successful over the past few months that a complete house is very doable this year. I am thankful for that, but it is not the source of my sadness.

I may be crying because of my never ending responsibilities. I am entirely disappointed that I am not, as I once referred to myself in a previous entry, SUPER MOM! I thought I was stronger than this. I thought that I could handle five little kids in a small space, but for some reason I can't.

I could be crying because winter is still with us. June flowers seem light years away.

I may be crying because I just re-read "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and I was stricken again that my childhood pain will be imparted to my children and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I threw the book down in anger, horrified that I am too aloof, moody and wounded to be of any help to my kids. I'm sad that my husband has to go for a conference for four days. I'm sad that I haven't exercised recently and I can't seem to find time to. I'm sad that I turned 39 on St. Patrick's Day and there was far less ceremony that I would have liked. I'm sad that I might be facing perimenopause and I don't know how to handle it. I'm sad that I've actually entertained a the few self-destructive thoughts. I'm sadder that I'm so ashamed of it. I'm sad that all I seem to do around here is wash dishes. I'm sad that I really need a haircut and I don't know where the money for one will come. I'm just sad.

In my sadness, I've been doing a little thinking. The truth of it is: I don't trust God and I don't trust my husband.

The Holy Spirit brought it to my attention that my parents really injured me by never giving me an allowance or blessing me after I worked for them. Every chore, every responsibility, every service (and there were a LOT of them) was done with a spirit of grim duty. For example: for many years on Saturdays, my brother and I helped clean our church building, since my Dad was the custodian. We were never paid or thanked. (He was.) We were even rarely given breakfast before we left (maybe a donut) and lunch was for complainers and dinner was given to us in resentment. This abuse is haunting me now, because I believe God is a horrible taskmaster, making me endure this endless job of getting pregnant, raising children, cooking, cleaning and submitting and being cheerful as a grim duty, done because it is required of me. (Part of me believes that I'll get pregnant this spring, because God wants to make me miserable.) Well, no wonder I'm depressed! I've given up all hope of a reward!

Added to this, I'm so afraid of being covetous, of even the simplest things like a full set of flatware, that I've been sucking it up all in the name of contentment. So I have this inner conflict of wanting more, yet hating myself for not being thankful. I could go crazy thinking like this.

Well this is the good news: GOD REWARDS THE FAITHFUL! Look at this:

From 2 Tim 2 :6The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. 7Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.

And:  11Here is a trustworthy saying:    If we died with him,       we will also live with him;  12if we endure,       we will also reign with him.    If we disown him,       he will also disown us;  13if we are faithless,       he will remain faithful,       for he cannot disown himself.

And Matthew 5:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,       for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  4Blessed are those who mourn,       for they will be comforted.  5Blessed are the meek,       for they will inherit the earth.  6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,       for they will be filled.  7Blessed are the merciful,       for they will be shown mercy.  8Blessed are the pure in heart,       for they will see God.  9Blessed are the peacemakers,       for they will be called sons of God.  10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,       for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

God is all about rewarding us generously!

Wow! He has blessings for me! I've started asking specifically for his rewards. What do you have for me today, Father? My faith in him is greater than my emotional state. Nothing, no sadness, can ever snatch me from his hand.

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