Living By Daily Grace

Aug. 27, 2008 - Pregnancy Update and a sad loss

Well, it turns out I am anemic. My midwife took a blood sample. She was able to check my iron levels and my glucose.

I am a pretty strict regimen of supplement now. Not only am I taking the chlorophyll for iron but now I have to force myself to take the nasty Floradix. I had to order them online so they haven't arrived yet. I am sooooo tired right now.

My glucose was a little low but nothing to concern her. I doing pretty good with my diet and have stopped gaining weight so quickly.

I can't remember if I had blogged before about our name. We have chosen to name our last little girl Ashley Nicole. I have been forbidden by my brother to name her this but it's because he dated a girl with that exact name. All I can say is, "get over it." We've been calling her Ashley for weeks now. It's weird already having named her. It's been over 9 years since we found out the sex of a baby. We found out this time so logistical reasons. It would be really hard to have 4 boys in a small room so we needed time to rearrange if it was needed. Besides, I have been dying to fill this house with pink again and I wanted to get started early on it. :)

Ashley is growing well. She loves strawberry chocolate smoothies. Her liveliest time of the night is around 9pm when Underdog and I sit down to watch a little TV. We ended up getting a DISH a few weeks ago because it was going to lower our bill for the internet and cable. It's actually been great because now we dictate when we sit to watch. We can also record with the DVR so we're in even more control. With the Olympics we just kind of fell into an enjoyable evening on the couch together watching "The Closer" or an older movie we've recorded. We also just enjoy watching Ashley's acrobatics. I can't wait to hold her but I must not let myself run off too far with that. That will just make time go by too slow.

There is a young couple at our church who lost their baby at 17 weeks. She caught me in the bathroom Sunday and asked me about bleeding. It didn't sound good but I wasn't sure what to tell her without scaring her. I simply told her that if it happens again she needed to call her dr. I suppose she started bleeding again in the middle of service because they left early. I found out on Monday night they were keeping her overnight to induce labor.

I haven't slept well since I found out. This is such a precious family. They have 3 little girls and were just so excited to add to their quiver. I even had a dream about them last night. But what I have struggled with most is what happened several weeks ago. I have a friend (close I thought) from college who lost her baby 26 weeks about 2 years ago. I simply cannot fathom ever going through that myself. I have tried to place myself in others shoes when it does happen. But even having a compassionate heart will never bring me to a point of knowing that kind of pain. So a few years ago I was honest with my friend and told her that I didn't want to say anything that hurt her and asked her to educate me on how to love another family through the loss. I have respected her space and have been sensitive toward her in all this. She asked me not to tell her with my youngest was born, and I didn't. Last year I mentioned that I was sewing baby blankets for other people and she asked me to sew one for her baby that died. She was to be involved in a walk with a group called MEND in her area to remember the short lives of the babies they've lost. They set up booths to show off their babies. I thought it was kind of cute idea. So I agree and was in the planning process. Things changed dramatically several weeks ago.

When I posted several weeks ago that we were having a girl, I sent the link to my blog through a mass email to all my friends. I received an email back from my friend telling me that she didn't feel I was being sensitive to her needs and that she didn't think we should be friends anymore. I was shocked. I think I cried for 2 hours after that. All I did was send an email out to all my friends asking them to rejoice with me over the news that we are having another little girl. I honestly didn't think I was asking too much when I asked everyone to rejoice with us over our news.

The reason that I didn't link the MEND page is that I have a very bad taste in my mouth concerning them. They are supposed to be a Christian organization. But from what I can tell they certainly don't teach the idea of forgiveness. I will fully admit that I possibly made a mistake when I sent my link to her. I made an honest mistake though. I thought she might rejoice with me because she is my friend. I didn't even get a chance to apologize for my error. She cut me off immediately and gave me no room to be forgiven. I suspect that MEND (at least the branch she is involved with) teach and encourage them to put up boundaries even if that means cutting people off, then do it. Does this group teach you to forgive when mistakes are made that might hurt you. People really do have the best of intentions when they are trying to comfort others who have been through a tragic loss. It's not like they set out wander how they can hurt people that day. And while I understand the need for boundaries, this seemed extreme to me. I haven't gone through her pain. I can't fathom it. But I had been nothing but sensitive. And to be honest, I have walked on egg shells around her for more than just this area of her life. (I know nothing about MEND and mean no offense to others who have benefited from their care and have give room for others to make mistakes. But my friend seems to have worshipped this group she's been in and it's honestly left a bad taste in my mouth.)

How is this related to the couple at church? Well, it's brought of bit pain to the surface for me. But the loss has helped me realize that I have built up some bitterness toward my friend. I was a lot more angry about it than I realized. It's not an anger or bitterness I want to hold onto so I have been in prayer over it all day. Although I love my friend, I don't want to hold her in a bondage that she's held me in for so long. And if I truly believe that God is Sovereign, then He planned for this to happen and He's in complete control of it. I have prayed He might convict her but mostly I have prayed He would heal her broken heart that pushes me away so often (this isn't the first time.) I have put up a boundary myself and will no longer have any contact with her (per her own request but to the relief of Underdog whose wanted me to do this for a long time so I don't get hurt anymore by this friend.) But what I really desire most is to see my friend come to understand the gospel as I have come to understand it over the past few years. We deserve nothing. We all, as sinners, deserving death. To have any unforgiveness toward people is to forget all that the Savior has done for us. The lack of forgiveness on both our parts is simply ungratefulness for Christ's sacrifice and pride on our parts. We deserve nothing.

I have been praying that God would give me words to speak encouragement and life into the lives of this family at church. I don't want to say anything to hurt them. But there is grace to cover me even if I did accidently say something hurtful. But this has done another thing for me. It's caused me to look at ALL my children with a more grateful heart. I deserve none of the little lives I have been given to nurture and love. They are gifts to me. They are on loan. God could easily take one of them from me. . .or all. And the little life within me has yet to arrive safely in this world. So much can change over night (as we've been reading this day of the family that lost their little 3 yod in a drowning.) My dh could be taken this night as he drives home from a late dinner meeting he's attending. I have spent too many years fearing that very thing. But I can't anymore. I trust the Father with it all now. I must hold them loosely and trust them in the hands of our Almighty God.

Before anyone would misunderstand, I love and desperately miss my friend. I think of her often and pray for her each time. I wish she would allow herself to share in the joy of other people. But God must work out that bitterness in her heart as much as he must work out the bitterness and hurt in my heart. OH, to see her walk in victory. To love that precious baby that she never nursed but to move on and relish in the joy of the Lord. That is truly where our joy should be found. If we find joy in anything but the Lord, then we've created an idol that very thing we seek joy in. Our joy needs to be found only in the Lord. And when it's hard to do that, then we MUST be on our knees in repentance for placing anything above Him. I need that lesson as much as my precious friend does.

I will be 30 weeks on Monday. I was hoping time wold be going by a bit faster as I am pretty, well, uncomfortable right now. But I am relishing this pregnancy right now. I love this baby already and trust her in the hands of the Father. Time will be hear soon enough and then I will move into another season of my life. . .simply raising the children I have been given. There will be no more pregnancies. There will be no more nursing after this baby. Our quiver is full unless we're called to adopt later on. The next time I will hold a baby close in my arms will be my grandchildren. I am struggling to except that season but Lord has been gracious to me. Mostly He's patient with me as I learn to submit to Underdog and his desires to be finished. The learning is so hard but I know that the Lord is building so much in me in this process of sanctification.

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Aug. 27, 2008 - Pregnancy Update and a sad loss

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