Living By Daily Grace

Sep. 10, 2008 - Struggling

This won't be a long post. I think I just need to put how I am feeling into words and my journal isn't available right now.

I am struggling so much with the latter part of this pregnancy. I am sure you could go back into my archives and see the same type of post with my previous pregnancy. What is it about the last trimester that causes me to simply withdrawal from life? My kitchen is still waiting for the dinner dishes to be loaded. It's so hard to stand at the sink to wash dishes when there is a extra 30lb lump in the way. My 19 mod wants to wrestle at every chance he gets. Wrestle? He obviously doesn't notice that I don't move much anymore. My little 5 yod has been hinting all evening that she just simply needs my undivided attention for even a few minutes. I have been shooing her off to play or what have you. URGH!!!!!! On top of this, we are so tired and waiting to see if the colds that are starting with my children will turn into chicken pox. I told my children yesterday and a watched pot doesn't boil. It's hard to not to watch though. BroncosFan is miserable right now. Schmoo didn't feel well today. The LineBacker Starter Kick started to complain that his tummy hurt and then he told me this throat hurt. K-Head is just being a toddler boy and he's rather agreesive about it. Jennibear seems to be skipping over it and it wanting peole to play with. I got tired just watching everyone be sick today.

We found out on Monday night that the baby is in a breech position. I am only 31 weeks so there is still plenty of room and time for the baby to turn. I must admit there is concern there. I have wrestled for a long time with worry over this baby. She's my last. My experience with my friend and her loss haven't helped me. Part of me wanders if she's secretly praying that I would lose my baby just to spite me. I don't mean that as a judgment on her. I mean that as a judgment on my lack of faith in the Sovereignty of God. I suppose that is where I stand right now. I am having a bit of faith crisis. I am fearful of preterm labor. I am fearful that I will wake one morning and not receive the happy "Good Morning Mommy" kicks that I receive from this little girl right now. I am fearful that when she's born something will be wrong. . .and I will reject her. How could a mother reject her child but I am afraid that I will. I am now fearful that she won't turn and I will end up with a breech baby for the first time. I know that woman can give birth to a breech baby and that midwives do deliver that way. But I will admit, I am not sure I would take the chance. That would put me right back in the very position I have fought so hard to avoid. All in God's Sovereign will but my evil pride doesn't want to end up on an operating room table because I am such an advocate for natural home births. In that scenerio, I am fearful of her not nursing well just like her oldest sister. I LOVE nursing. I don't want to loose that relationship. I have friends who are supplementing with formula. It's been necessary for these women. But I just can't do it. I almost supplemented my 3rd baby (first to nurse) with formula. I cried through that whole almost feeding (she fought the bottle the whole time as well.) I mean no judgement against those that bottlefeed their babies. But my heart is to have my babies at my breast exclusively for as long as possible. That is me as a mother. Home birthing is what I am as a mother. While I have strong opinions and I do blog on them every once in a while, I would hope my opinions would never offend anyone. I just want to make women think. But they are my passions. They are who I am. Perhaps I fear loosing ME. Isn't that what we're supposed to do though. . .loose ourselves? We're to die to ourselves? This life isn't about me. It's about glorifying God.

Does the above paragraph express in anyway that I lost about 2 hours of sleep last night with terrible heartburn? The last time I had heartburn like that I had my appendix removed the following evening. I was also pregnant then. That won't be happening this time because there is nothing to remove. Orange juice mixed with alot of an herbal iron supplement do not make for happy sleep at night. I suppose the large bowl of buttered popcorn I had before that didn't help either. Needless to say, I am pretty tired and probably not thinking clearly. What I am most confident in right now is that I sense the Holy Spirit calling me to foot of cross. . .and I am being terribly rebellious. I need my Jesus and I need His grace to get me through the next 8 weeks or so. I am already tired. I am already big. I am already extremely uncomfortable. My hips will not stay in alignment. This precious girl has a mind of her own and it doesn't include sitting in the most comfortable position for Mommy. And my heart has one of the worst attitudes I think I have ever had in the midst of pregnancy. Sin abounds. . .grace abounds more. I think it's time I end this post and leave to go rest in the arms of my Savior.

Sep. 11, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Posted by tiarali79

Oh, I hear you! I love my children dearly, but I hate pregnancy with a passion! And it is so hard with a rebellious two-year old taking advantage of Mum's tiredness to get into everything that isn't nailed down!

I have had very bad heartburn with every one of my pregnancies. Everyone says that it is because my babies always have a LOT of hair. Even though I know that's an old wives' tale, even midwives have told me of the possible link, so it's very pervasive. Well, this bub must have a lot of hair cause for the first time I'm even having heartburn in the daytime.

I hope the breech situation rights itself quickly. Whatever happens, I am sure that you will soon be holding a dear little child and everything will be worth it.

Permanent Link

<- Last Page :: Next Page ->

I love having a place on the web to simply write out my thoughts. I am a wife and mother to 5 very special blessings ages 19 months to 9 yod and our "Finale" due in November '08. As I am growing through this season of my life, I hope to share how the Lord is teaching me to live by His daily grace and not by my own strength.

Links

Home
View my profile
Archives
Email Me

Template design copyright

Photoshop Brushes Credited to These Sites

Sep. 10, 2008 - Struggling

Sep. 11, 2008 - Untitled Comment

Recent Posts

Links

Friends

Template design copyright