I hate to admit it, but things went so smoothly after our initial LoveDown that I got a bit lax again.  By Sunday, I think there was a little more sassiness in responses to parents, more sluggish listening to parents, more complaining, more greed, more dissatisfaction.  Last night my wake up call was when I was on the phone with my sister, and heard the children respectively hollering commandingly about what must be done, and responsive explosive shrieking about perceived victimization and oppression.  I have also noticed the creeping disrespect and distancing from Christopher that is surely more dangerous and distressing than shrieking and hollering.  Sigh.

When will I learn?  At least the children are consistent in their response to my inconsistency.  I wish I could be that consistent (let's reward Mommy with her inconsistency by bossing, shrieking and not considering each other.  Every time. Let's add really sluggish obedience and pretend like we can't hear her voice when it's not about icecream, too, and so on).   Maybe they will train me to be a more faithful mom!

Last week, I also got up about 15 minutes earlier to work on paperwork--my Life Nemesis.  Amazingly, I finished an annual project in about 7 days of teeny bits of time before the kids get up.  Normally this project is something that I procrastinate for months, hating it all the while, and usually tempts--I said tempts--me to swear while I am at it.  It's done--packaged, and ready to go.  I have to consider seriously whether or not this 15 minute earlier rule should be implemented as a regular way of life to manage this despised abominable dismal portion of my life called "information management".  

This little habit also pushed my daily devotions later and shorter, by default.  It also helped me to be more consistent with my devotions, but they were less meaningful.

This morning, after my wake-up call last night, I did my devotions first, and what a blessing it was to sit at Jesus' feet and pour out my troubles to Him, repent of my sins, and receive His grace.   I then did my paperwork, and still got the kids up in time to spend about 15 minutes with Christopher just talking and snuggling, and finding out what is in his heart these days.  What a blessing to fbe restored and joyful.

After Christopher left for the historic farm camp he is attending this week, I had some time to restore Natalie to her pleasant self by having do chores until she could obey cheerfully and happily.  We are in harmony again.

Thank-you, Jesus.  Help us to walk in You--the Light--while we still have breath.  Help me to be faithful, and not become lazy so quickly.  Thank-You for using our children to face me up to my responsibilities and to my weakness of character, so that I might grow stronger and more graceful.

Yesterday I took the children to the airport.  It was a Christopher-designed celebration for his learning his Bible memory verses in his long-term memory.  We took the R1 train down to the airport, and visited each terminal, especially the B terminal, where we like to look at the different floors in the Marriott.  They have a great view of the airfields from the higher floors.   We ate at the Eurocafe in the international terminal, and the kids really liked the circular benches they have there.   We visited every terminal, bumming rides off the economy parking shuttles to get from place to place (for Mommy's sake).  A very important part of the trip was to take the R2 back to 30th Street Station.  Christopher was somewhat disappointed to find that the R2 train is really the R1 train, it's just that the return trip goes to Warminster, so it's called the R2.  He took it in stride, and we all had a lovely day.  Now Natalie wants some trips to celebrate her memory work, too.  Hmmmm.....

The kids and I dropped off two saxophone ligatures at John's colleague's office for our friend, Dr. Oathokwa in Botswana, whose son plays sax and cannot acquire one easily there.  Thank-you to Judy and Heather for being so kind to manage this for me.

We've had a productive and quiet day today.  By the time we finished gymnastics class, I was really exhausted and having harder contractions.  I just laid on the couch for almost two hours while the kids had snack, a piano lesson, and played nicely together for all that time.  This is when I feel like all that hard work in improving patience and consistency is worthwhile.  I do hope I will not have to go on bedrest--so far the doc says we're good.  My mom is after me to go for a second check up tomorrow because the contractions are getting harder.   I really don't want to, because we have the party to prepare for on Saturday, and I still have to pull some things together for Father's Day---(: (: (:  I think I'll take it easy and see how I do tomorrow.

Our LoveDown is not as dramatic as I had supposed it might be, but the increased consistency is paying off.  We have fewer tantrums and bickering.  I am less frustrated.  The children are handling themselves better, especially in public, and I am so very thankful.  We still have a long way to go--me as a mom and a person, and they also have a long journey ahead.  I am so thankful that God is patient with me, and I am trying to be patient with them also.

Today was a slow day.  I was exhausted from staying up writing a difficult letter to a friend.  Everything seemed to go smoothly, outwardly, but I just sensed something under the surface as we went through our school day. At noon, it erupted in a bickering match while the children were cleaning up the play room.  I had them put away the train tracks several times, individually, and then together, until they were doing it without fighting.  It seemed to calm down after that, and they were very nicely behaved at the doctor's office, which is a great improvement.  They got silly during candy snack, but settled down to help me with making supper.  Natalie cut peppers, celery and herbs with a dinner knife while Christopher peeled and sliced the cucumbers (dinner knife) and collected and cut the herbs into little pieces (with kid scissors).  There was some difficulty setting the table and following instructions, but I followed through with both children.  Near supper time, I began to get a little frustrated and let it show in my voice and demeanor, although I remained pretty calm, I thought.

I would call it a weak win.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Well, today seems anticlimactic.  Yesterday, we had three long battles with Natalie over small things, which we kept up until she had given up and was her sweet self again.  

Yesterday, when we got back from BJs, Christopher offered to take all the groceries in--a very big job--because he is concerned that I am having contractions again, and he is interested in keeping the baby in Mommy's tummy for as long as possible.  At first I insisted that I help, but after one trip up the steps to the porch, I was having a rather hard contraction, so I let him do the work.  He was amazing.  Normally, he hates carrying groceries in, but he worked incessantly and enthusiastically without ceasing, until his work was done.  Natalie, who is normally my grocery-carrying trooper, slacked off a lot, and took some detours to our little playground.   Boy, did I feel cared for and loved!  I let him wear our medal of honor, and bragged up the cahoozies to Daddy when he came home.

Today seems anti-climactic.  I have had almost no opportunities for conflict, and have had a nice quiet day so far.  This (when things are going well) is when I tend to lose my vigilance and let things slide because I am so enjoying our awesome kids--and "how can I nitpick over this stupid little misdemeanor?!" mentality sets in, but it fools me every time.

I am enjoying our quiet summer.

Natalie (while eating a fruit popsicle):  Popsicles are the juiciest fing!

Christopher:  No, juice is the juiciest thing, because.... juice is juice, and....
      Juice is.....JUICE!

We have a glorious thunderstorm right outside our breakfast windows.  Instead of following our normal Bible routine, we turned all the lights off, and snuggled on the couch to watch the storm.  I printed out Bible verses about lightning and thunder, and we imagined the people of Israel at the bottom of the mountain watching the thunder and lightning.  We had a wonderful conversation about Ben Franklin. Here is a fun video we watched about lightning (video is the one at the bottom of the page).  Enjoy!

Okay, today is the first day of our "LoveDown"

What is a "LoveDown?"  Well, I have noticed that our children respond to consistency, but consistency is extremely hard to come by!  Here's how our family looks like sometimes:  We are consistent in our expectations for our children, and they respond beautifully by generally listening to us and getting along with each other.  I get comfortable (and lazy), and then little bad habits creep in.  I'm so impressed with how nice they are, I let them go, and pretty soon, we are dealing with monstrous habits that I have played direct accomplice to developing.   Then, forced by the misery the monstrous habits have wreaked in our home, we enforce a "CrackDown".  The problem is that repeated crackdowns seem really lame, not to mention horrendously unfair (by giving children a double standard), but the alternative is permissive parenting, and allowing them to be slaves to bad habits that will bring them pain with high stakes consequences in the future.   Sigh... 

So, I am working on a "LoveDown".  Which is basically the same thing as a crackdown, just with a  lot of love, fun, and smiles.

What do we do?

1.  Keep Natalie close to me 100 per cent of the time.   Keep Christopher in eye or ear shot 100 per cent of the time.

2.  Gently and cheerfully catch misdemeanors/attitudes before they grow into big ones.

3.  Expect them to listen to exactly what I say, every time, cheerfully and quickly.  When they don't, we press "Replay" and repeat the directive over until they are cheerfully and quickly listening exactly as I want them to.  Then we might add a few more directives to see if they are really willing to listen.  I am remaining calm, happy, loving, and affectionate, as well as having the resliency of an iron wall in the middle of it.  (: (: (:

4.  We are playing games, dancing, hugging, doing work or school, and having a pleasant time most of the time. 

Some specific things we are working on:

Natalie: 
Listening right away, all the way, without screeching.
Sitting quietly and cheerfully on my lap without being entertained or banging against me or crawling over my shoulder, or manipulating my hands forcefully.
Not screaming whenever Christopher displeases her--not rewarding in any way for screeching.
Saying "Please" and "Thank-you"

Christopher:
Following instructions without changing them
Not assuming the role of  Natalie's police

Mommy:
Putting the children as my first priority--they do NOT interrupt me!  They are more important than housework, food, laundry, phone calls, computer, etc.  I still do these other things, but my first job is to raise godly children wtih an internal moral compass and a spirit of grace--these other things are simply vehicles to teach them how to manage life along with me--they are not the main thing.

Remaining a loving, happy, calm, iron wall that is not phased by continuous testing of boundaries, but sees this testing as a wonderful opportunity to bring grace and truth to our children, and to provide them with the opportunity to choose wisely when tempted to give in to their foolishness and passions.

Expect her to listen every time, leaving other things go

Christopher spontaneously made up a recipe for "Chocolate Chip Dough Cookies"

1 cup white sugar

1 1/2 cups brown sugar

4 eggs

2 tsp salt

1/2 cup flour

2 cups brown flour

1 cup baking soda

2 cups honey

1 cup sweet clover honey

1 cup red clover honey

1 cup white clover honey

2 cups buckwheat honey

1 cup tupelo honey

2 cups apple juice

2 cups chocolate chips

5 cups butterscotch chocolate chips

2 cups white chocolate chips

Cook for 40-60 minutes

Spread icing and eat!

Sounds yummy, huh!

Natalie made up a recipe for "Ginger Cookies"

Brown sugar

White sugar

Blue Sugar

Italian dressing

Eggs

Mix and cook first

Put it in dough

Then cook again, and

PUt it in the dough again.

EAT!

Wait until it cools off, and then put it in the oven!

Hmmmmm..... (:

My husband, John, and Christopher took a trip to Florida together.  Natalie is staying with me.

She appears to love having the full run of the house with no challenging elder-brother agendas to deal with.

We made ginger cookies yesterday, and added chocolate chips, just because she thought it would be a good idea (they taste GREAT!).

We played Hi Ho Cherrio-but she capped the basket of cherries with another basket, and made a maracca instead.

She gets to pick all the books and repeats as much as she likes.

I put her to bed with my scarf, which is so soft....

Tomorrow, Grandma is coming over.

Tuesday, we are going to BounceU!  AND Daddy and Christopher are coming back Tuesday evening! (:

I miss you both, and am looking forward to seeing you soon.  Natalie mentions you several times a day.

Around K-- halls, why do we always hear "Why?"
Because our son, Christopher, is a curious guy!
"Why do venus fly traps only trigger shut at the second step of a bug?"
"Why do solar storms give the north and south poles the scariest tug?"
"Why is the sky blue, and why does rain fall?"
"Why must I always come when I'm called?"

Around K-- halls, why are there always surprises?
Because our son Christopher is full of differences and disguises?
Yesteryear's froggie is today's jaguar or cat,
Or he disappears into nothing or nowhere, if you can imagine that!
Hiding things, changing spaces, doing the unexpected takes our guy happy places!

Around K-- halls, why do we always hear of a new present?
Because our generous guy finds giving so pleasant!
"Here Mommy, a penny, a maze just for you!"
"A dot-to-dot picture, and a milk shake to boot!"
"And these presents for Daddy, we'll save on the shelf,"
"And I'd like to let Natalie lick my birthday batter bowl all by herself!"

Curious, generous, loves to surprise,
Lord, how we are thankful for our special guy!
You've given a great world to explore his life through--
Guid his curious mind toward Goodness and Truth!

Your thoughts are not our thoughts--You're the Ultimate Surprise!
Who would have thought that Pure Life would choose to die?
And by dying, killed death so that Pure Love could rise?
And rising--surprising!--our redemption He'd buy!

What generous Love!  The Glorious Unexpected!
Lord, love our dear Christopher--by your power keep him protected!
Surprise him with Love; amaze him with joy!
Astound him with wonder; visit your salvation on our precious boy!

(by Mommy, January 12, 2009)

Our precious girl is growing up so fast.
She can do more each day than she did the last--
Birdie perches, tumbles, forwards and back,
Building the train station, laying the track,
Talking a blue streak, making jokes, too,
Our girl is fun up to Kalamazoo!

Using that potty, dressing herself,
And she can put her toys on the shelf!
Sorting silverware, wiping the table,
Rinsing the dishes, our big girl is able!

Don't big girls need a big God? we ask."
How thankful we are, our Lord is more than up to that task!
Watching, protecting, guiding our pearl,
Oh Lord, we trust You with our darling girl!

We praise Your power, Your Truth and Love,
Oh Lord, please guide her with grace from above!
Show our big girl what "big" really is:
You are Infinity!  Can we grasp how big that is???

Fill her big eyes with the immense power of your glory.
Fill her big heart with vast love from the Gospel story.
Fill her big mind with Your boundless wisdom and truth.
Fill her life with a big purpose from You!

(by Mommy, Dec.14, 2008)

While I was in DC this weekend, we were confronted with a huge sign that read, "3500 Abortions Daily".  In front of the sign were long red strips of plastic, upon which were placed 3500 tiny pairs of baby booties, baby shoes, and baby socks.  Attached to the little socks were letters written to aborted babies, by their grieving, healing mothers, aunts, grandmothers, and other relatives.  They read, "I'm so sorry!  Please forgive me.  I can't wait to hold you in heaven."  "Please forgive your mother.  We miss you."  A lady came up to me, and talked to me about the display.  "We are all women who have had abortions, and have experienced depression and pain, and we are here to share the healing we have received after our abortions, and also to tell the truth about the pain that abortion causes."  I am amazed and humbled by the stories of these incredible women.  I highly recommend their website to anyone who has ever regretted an abortion, or who is concerned about the welfare of women in the matter of abortion.

Three Cheers for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Mike Leavitt and Bush who appointed him!!!  The American College of Obstretrics and Gynecology has been including threatening language in its licensing procedures, which would censor physicians who will not perform abortions.  Mike Leavitt advised them against this language, but they would not listen, and insisted they meant no harm to anyone (muwaaahahahaaaaaaaa).  So Mike asked for regulations to be drafted which enforce the three separate federal laws protecting a physician's right to follow his/her conscience!  Woo hoo!  You can read about it here!  A copy got leaked to the press before it was finalized, which caused a big brouhaha (in his previous post), but his clarity is refreshing.  Please write him an encouraging line, as many pro-abortionists are weighing in on the conversation.

I did weigh in myself, with the following letter in response to some of the negative posts:

This is not about preferences.  It is about morals.  Murder, to be exact.  Abortion to a pro-life conscience is the same as if the government forced physicians to terminate the life of any child three-years-old or less upon demand of his or her mother.  It would be an unconscionable, abominable, egregious breach of justice against the physician's conscience.  Not to mention that it would be an unconscionable, abominable, egregious breach of justice, period. 

We pro-lifers value life in all its stages, shapes, and sizes.  We believe human life is intrinsically valuable, not based on extrinsic traits accomplishments and the whims of the powerful. 

It is a fallacy to assume that abortion, per se, will actually bring the mother the happiness she pursues (beyond the initial sex act).  Countless women and men have suffered depression and grief over the loss of their babies through abortion, not to mention future infertility and other medical complications. 

There should be no debate about when life begins.  It clearly begins, sex/complete DNA at conception.  Is there anybody who really believes that a zygote is dead--that the little life has not inexorably begun, and will continue unless snuffed out by natural or unnatural means?  The question that people really  want to ask, is "When does personhood begin?"  Is it when we have consciousness?  When we can speak?  When we can respond? When we are wanted?  As you can see if we define personhood by traits or accomplishments or more dangerously by the desires of those in power, this is a very slippery slope, which brings many of our most inspiring and humanizing citizens in danger of extermination.

Pro-abortionists must come to the conclusion that either the human embryo is not a human being, which is debatable (because s/he is human and s/he "is").  If an embryo is a human life, then they have the uncomfortable position of saying that  mothers may kill their children wtih impunity, before a certain developmental stage.  Already, the idea that mothers should be allowed to kill their babies up to 40 days after birth is being discussed and disseminated in academic halls, which would have been unthinkable 40 years ago.  What unthinkables today will be reality 40 years from now, thanks to our current legal system and cultural environment?

History has shown us that any time a more powerful group decides that another less powerful group is not human or less than human, a travesty of justice on a massive scale occurs.  Look at Nazi Germany, which decided that Jews were not equal to other humans.  Look at our own country, when we decided that people of African descent were only worth 3/5ths of a human.  The biggest problem for unborn people is that they cannot speak up for themselves.  They are not seen.  Their dismembered and saline-burned bodies are buried in trash cans, and scurried away from public view.  At least a newborn can cry and look cute in a pruny sort of way.  The law has abandoned unborn people, and the medical field is power-reaching to demand that even every single physicians may not abstain from the blood bath! Who will speak up for the helpless?

If mothers, being more powerful than their unborn children, are legally able to exterminate their children from their wombs, and doctors are required by law and professional pressure to silence their consciences on the behalf of the powerful agenda of the pro-abortionists because of the weight of rearing children is too heavy for mothers to bear if they don't want to, it is only a matter of time before other care-givers will be given legal impunity for exterminating their dependents whose needs exceed their desires to care for them, starting with the elderly and infirm (such as Terri Schiavo, but I suspect it won't stop there). 

I understand that we people who love human lives in all its sizes and stages, have lost the legal battle to protect these little tiny people, and that people who love and inexorably pursue and applaud abortion have won the right to exterminate lives in the womb.  I am pleased, however, that Mike Leavitt has seen fit to promote the legal freedom of conscience for physicians who love life and do not wish to do any harm to our innocent members.

As a woman, who has delivered two children and is raising them (with my husband), I have had many OB/Gyn doctors, due to legislatively irresponsible liability insurance costs, and moving.  I have always looked for pro-life docs.  When I'm not able to find them, am sick and tired of being pressured to take invasive, risky tests to determine genetic diseases, for which there is no in-utero cure (except for a so-called "cure" of abortion).  It is offensive and rude to have a baby be 'welcomed" into this world by a physician who thinks that any child with a possible (not even real) defect would be better of dead.  Kudos to Secretary Mike Leavitt!

I previously posted my heavy heart in response to the pervasive social disease wrought by promoting promiscuity, self-realisation, gay marriage here.  and promised to write Part 2, which outlines some of the ways I am fighting back.

I will love my husband more deeply and serve him more gleefully than ever:

I seek to meet his needs first.

I accept him with no conditions.

I encourage him to pursue God first.

I pray for him.

I do whatever he asks with gladness and  deep love, as far as I am able.

I observe him to know him more deeply, and listen to understand him more fully. 

I will love my children till I am tickled pink!

I will rejoice that I have legs, arms, eyes, ears, words, thoughts, hands with which to serve my family, and will serve them with all my heart.

No job is too low nor too hard for me to do with a glad and willing heart and mighty arms.

I will cheerfully spend a few moments with our son when he is bringing me yet another "present" in a bag from the shelf that I have just cleaned up.  I will celebrate his generosity before we find its right place to keep it safely. 

I will listen avidly when our children are telling me about the snakes they are making, the trolleys they are driving, and the elevators they are riding.

I will say "yes" to our children's pleas for attention and love as much as I humanly can.

I will firmly and gently say "no" again and again and again to any habit, desire, request from our children that will diminish their character and future.

I will pray God's Kingdom of righteousness, peace, and joy to rain down on our family and to show His glory in our little home.

I will put away fear of man and put on courage to speak the truth in public (gasp!).

I will become a woman of God's Word, and study all 66 books.

I will seek friendships with women who will challenge me to obey and worship God fully and without reservation.

I will graciously ask others to explain the basis for their comments that fly in the face of Scripture, and become an expert in engaging people in winsome conversation with people from the despised "religious right" (that would be me, ahem!).  I will speak up at liberal Christian bookstores and graciously express distress about their sale of books on "Wizardology" (and so on).

I will give as much money as I can to organizations like National Organization for Marriage.

I will cut my food budget in half so I can support Christian leaders like James Dobson who are trying to be heard in the market place and so I can sell bumper stickers with slogans like "Aborted babies never learn to dance.  Give adoption a chance."  and "Try the Adoption Option".  And "(What about the) The Audacity of Truth?"

I will vote for John McCain and look for opportunities to dialog about it with neighbors and friends who are thinking of abstaining (Feel free to post here if you like).

I am thinking about starting a new blog to engage non-Christians in friendly dialog about controversial issues (but I'm not sure I have the time to do that and do all of the above).

Of course I will not be able to do all these things perfectly, but that is the direction and goal of my heart, and I will not be discouraged when I cannot do them all.

A friend just asked me about "women's roles" according to Scripture, and I thought I'd post part of my answer here.

I think one of the key points in understanding biblical male/female roles is that the Christian position is that we are to die to ourselves, and God asks men and women in marriage to do this differently, and I think in a way that is particularly unnatural, or supernatural for the respective sexes.  For women, giving up control is extremely difficult, and for men, giving up themselves is extremely difficult.  God commands these difficult acts (love/submit) of both the husband and wife, and of all Christians, but specifically for husbands to love and wives to submit and respect.  The purpose of the command of death to self, is always that there might be greater, superior life and intimacy, that will spread life to others, just as a seed can only bring forth exponential life growth by dying.  Marriage is not only intended to bring physcial life to children through sexual union, it is intended to bring abundant spiritual life to those children through the unselfish sacrifices made for them.  These hard commands are given to humans in the context of Jesus Christ giving up all, submitting to injustice with the supreme sacrifice of his life, so that there is no excuse for men and women to do less.  

The big question is the character of God--"Will He ask of me something that is harmful to me?"  and the answer is a resounding "No."  In fact, faith is the willingness to obey when it hurts because of confidence in the goodness of God.  The miracle of marriage is that through dying to self, the father and mother actually live a richer and more vibrant life in addition to giving life and anchorage to their children--this miracle illumines the power in the truth, "It is more blessed to give than to receive."  

When it comes to the role of women in the church, the Bible is also clear that the position of pastor and elder is to be held by men, although it doesn't specifically deny women in those instances.  It also says it is not good for a woman to teach a man, so that is more explicit.  On the other hand, the Bible is full of examples of godly women who held great influence, who prophesied and even led men in battle, although in that case (Deborah), Barak was kind of slapped on the hand for not leading.

 Anyway, the key point here is that God's economy is not human economy.  In our culture, power is the desired value, and that for personal self-realization and personal satisfaction.  In God's economy, the first shall be last and the last shall be first, so leading/positions/titles become irrelevant to one's real worth, and leaders are to be servants for the benefit of those served, to the point of washing the filthy, dung-caked feet of so-called "lessers".  A good question is "What makes you worthwhile?  Is it your accomplishments/position/etc."|?"  If so, then what does that make people who are impaired, poor, etc.?  In God's kingdom, not many noble enter. If our worth is in anything other than our position with God, as His beloved creation, then we are not secure--we can always lose what we have grasped to gain.   There is no peace when people are grasping to keep what they are afraid to lose.

The big question is, "Is God just?"  And of course, the answer is "Yes".  It is clear that He says not to pursue the role of teacher, because they will be held more accountable.  Whatever role or position God puts any person in, He knows exactly how to provide recompense that suits that person exactly, and it is a good thing that He is the Judge, rather than us.

Christopher's bunny, Bimi, apparently knows a language called "Dinglish".  Dinglish is only known by Christopher and Bimi, and occasionally a cousin or two, or his sister, understands it; hence, I have to ask for a translations often.

A while ago, at bedtime, when it was time for me to leave tucking Christopher in: 
CJ:  "Moofy.  Moofy Moof."
Me:  What does that mean, Christopher?"
CJ:  "It means 'I want you.'"

This was one of the few vocabulary words that seems to remain consistent over time, and Dinglish even apparently has a grammar structure because the other night, he said while hanging onto my neck, "Mama, I'm feeling SMOOFY!"  (like I want you!).

It IS nice to be loved, even in Dinglish!

Just now, Natalie and I had this reasonable conversation:

Me:  "Natalie, you are so yummy!"
Natalie:  "I'm not yummy.  I'm a  GIRL."
Me:  "You're a yummy girl!"
Natalie: "I'm Nadalie, Mama is Mama, Dada is Dada, and a revolving door is a revolving door!!!" 

Go figure.

I found Carisa's blog tonight and am inspired.  I have joined Tot School, and will try to post something this week.

Lori

Okay, my life is pint-sized right now--2 little cups of energy, problems, and love, filling my  every day.  Well, make that a pint and a quart, if a 6-foot-three man can be personified by a quart.  Why is my life this tiny size?  Well, I chose it--maybe it chose me--who knows?  The fact is, that marriage and children are two supreme values in my life--stuck right below my Savior, Jesus Christ and His Word. 

At the start of our marriage, I took the unusual stance of drastically cutting back my career to make room for a fabulous relationship with my husband.  As a young (well, young-ish), single music teacher, who was passionately involved in my work, two things were clear:  I was not interested in just any marriage--only an awesome, amazing man would do.  Such a marriage and my work would be competing passions that could not be simultaneously be fulfilled in a satisfying way, so work would have to be subordinate.

When I met John, he was that good; he still is.  I have stuck by those ideas of mine.  What has amazed me is the powerful pressure of our culture to define my personal worth in terms of professional success and dollars earned.  I thought applied peer pressure ends after high school, but it only becomes more subtle and stronger.  I am thus forced to define my boundaries and personal value by counter-cultural means, because nothing I do is validated by the larger culture. 

My choice to stay at home was probably unconsciously made as a small child, basking so securely and freely in the rock-solid commitment of my parents to each other, their joy and delight in being one in purpose, mind and body; by my absorbing the amazing selflessness of my own mother,  drinking deeply and unashamedly of her love and patience, and observing her ensuing joy and powerful influence for good. 

It was solidified as a young adult, as I worked after college in a day care--I witnessed the daily miracles of young infants and toddlers and vowed I would not miss these if ever I were to have children.

As a middle school teacher, that vision was cemented from knowing my students--wandering aimlessly through life, experimenting with fire, with parents busy, uncool, and excluded from their problems.  I suppose you can't really force your children to choose one way or the other, but over my dead body would I not be available for them.

These things I hold dear are under attack--have been under attack for a long time.  Marriage has become culturally meaningless first by  wide-spread stale commitment held together only by social mores; by the revolutionary fallacy that sex can be "free";  then by routine, commonplace, no-fault divorce--the obvious result of the broken trust of sexual freedom; and now by the logically sequential victory of gay marriage. 

I am battered and broken.   I ache for the majority of children who will never know the joy and security I have known--to have the audacity to know that I am worth the full attention of my mother's life; to know what it means as a woman to have a father who faithfully and passionately loved my mother to give me hope that waiting for such a man is worth it.   I am broken for one of my young tween students who wept and sobbed uncontrollably when she found her father in a compromising situation with another woman, and who now, though beautiful and intelligent, lives with a loser because she cannot believe that faithful love is possible;  my heart breaks for the children deprived of the necessary diversity of male/female relationships.   I am torn and tattered.  I loathe to confess that I have wasted time regretting my "loss of status" in the eyes of the world, that sophisticated conversations divert around me because my world is too small, but now I only weep for generations who will bear the cost of the self-absorbed choices of this generation. 

Part 1

Retroblogging again--some promised-but-long-forgotten photos from Thanksgiving!

Speaking of squeaky wheels, looks like Grampa got himself some new noise-cancelers.