What a fortnight!  Just after getting back from Seattle and visiting John's family for a week, We discovered that I was pregnant, I turned 40, John shocked me beautfiully by hosting a party for my birthday,  Christopher got gastroenteritis, John left for a 9-day trip to India, I got gastroenteritis, I began bleeding and was put on bedrest, our tenants got mice, I arranged to pay someone to meet the exterminators, the house disassembled itself while I did nothing but manage the children, a new "friend indeed" waltzed into my life, cleaning up and caring for our children, Mom came to visit and do everything for a few days,, Natalie got gastroenteritis, we lost our baby, our contractor sent his assistant to fix a door for our tenants, but came a day earlier than communicated and upset them by surprising them with his presence, I put away fall things and set out Christmas decorations, and just hours after I resolved issues with the tenants, the exterminators failed to show up..   John comes home tomorrow, Lord willing.  I am looking forward to seeing him.

Yes, we lost our baby--if it weren't for pregnancy tests, I wouldn't have known we were pregnant--I would have thought I was just late.  Now we have a teeniest little one in heaven.

Our children blessed me a lot this week.  My mom and my new friend blessed me, and God sustained me greatly.  I am grateful for His intervention on a number of occasions when I didn't know what to do, and I am very thankful for my health and ability to be off of bedrest.  It is a blessing and gift from God. 

So easy to doubt myself
So easily swayed
To mourn dreams slipping away
To pity my blessed estate
As thuogh applause should appear to purchase my happiness
Oh, the lusting hunger for applause--
That deceptive promise of worth,
A noose upon my soul and mind.

Be gone! sinful heart,
and yet it stays until
I rest the questions before God
Seek His matchless face
His Beauty, Grace
And Truth

God has granted me the
Opportunity of Woman and Wife
To practice submission
And thus know my Christ especial

That seed diving, planting downward, dirtward, dark-ward,
To lose myself in little others
To bid dreams farewell
To give 'til it hurts, waiting for joy,
The hope of new life surpassing mere "seedness"
Per His plan.

Lord, I yield.
In yielding to Your face,  I wonder
At the joy of simple being,
Little people growing,
Eyes trusting,
Sins restoring
Characters building
Hearts softening
Minds above all curious...

I wonder how mourning
Turns to morning
When questions are rested in the presence of Your Face.

Amy Beth put Anita Renfroe on her blog, which made me laugh until I cried. 

My friend Jessica sent me this article on moms building invisible cathedrals.  That made me cry (I can't say that my children or husband make me feel invisible, though).

I just went to Michael Card's concert last night, and it made me both laugh and cry.  I bought  the hidden face of God: Finding the MIssing Door to the Father Through Lament.  I want to rush through it to grasp everything, but I have to take it slowly to absorb so many precious and profound thoughts.  

Card writes of the two sureties in life:  "Suffering and God.  Superficially, they seem mutually exclusive, like darkness and light, matter and antimatter.  What does one have to do with the other?..."

"The place where these two inescapable realities meet is in lament.  Here the suffering of man for God embraces the suffering of God for man..."

"What takes place in that meeting is as miraculous as it is unexpected.  The two do not simply destroy one another, as matter and antimatter would.  Nor does one simply overcome the other and win the battle.  No, the One who is Light and Life enters into the suffering and confusion of the other, into his or her darkness and death.  God defeats suffering by surrendering Himself to it.  He triumphs through exhausting Himself against it, by drinking the cup dry.  The miracle that takes place is salvation!  The God from whom we cannot escape uses inescapable suffering to save the world that has been in headlong flight from Him ever since the Fall." 

Grandpa is HERE!  We are very excited.  Natalie keeps chanting , "Gampa, Gampa, Gampa!"  She followed me up to her bath tonight, as a little froggie hopping up the stairs.  She was about seven steps from the top when I got to the bathtub to start preparing her bath.  After a few moments, I didn't here her bopping in, so I called out, and she had made it down (almost) two flights of stairs, backwards, giggling, "Gampa, Gampa, Gampa".  Gampa is very popular around here, and he was pleased to get an extra hug before bedtime.

Praises:  How can I thank God enough for my husband and friends????  I can't, but I do praise Him for blessing me so much.  I had a very bad day Sunday, where I had powerful feelings of displeasure and discontentment about, everything.  I didn't spew it everyhwere, mind you, but I was miserable.  My husband was very patient with me, and it wasn't until that evening when he rubbed my back for over an hour that I calmed down.  I am so grateful for his non-defensiveness and kindness.  How blessed I am!

The next day I spent time on the phone with two of my girlfriends who shared in my struggle and encouraged me to godliness-contentment, faith, principles from the Word.  I am so renewed and refreshed--thank you dear friends!

Natalie is talking so much that I can hardly remember all the cute things she says, but she really surprises me with her vocabulary and syntax--it's so cute.  I'll try to remember half of what she says.  She knows her whole ABC song, but tonight when we tried to get her to show off to Gampa, she giggled, "Gunka, Gunka, Gunka..." (etc.) to the correct tune..   Christopher did a magic swipe at her to make her do it correctly, and so she did.  Go figure.

Christopher is growing by leaps and bounds, and challenging authority to match. 

I am really challenged about whether or not I can homeschool or not.  A good friend has her son in a to-die-for Christian school, and I am almost swayed to pick up and move so we can send our children there, and I can be sure they are "covering all the bases".  With all the travel we do (yes, I know that's educational), I haven't done "school" with our kids regularly for almost a month.  ):  On the other hand, CJ is reading three letter words in the word whammer, when I switch the middle vowel and first consonant, and he can count very high, adds and substracts very simple problems, does some multiplication, comprehends negative numbers (as pertaining to elevators--basement levels in Paris are -1, -2, etc, and ground level is 0).

I have read all the arguments about being socialized by kids vs. adults, and I agree with them, but I have seen homeschooled kids who are clueless about manners, confidence, etc., and I see a lot of need for one of our kids to practice dealing with other children....  I can't seem to find a homeschool community--I guess that's one of my main jobs this year....

That's all I'll say for now.

Lori

After we had been home for two days, Grandma came to stay with our kids for two days so I could go and manage our rental unit in Baltimore.  I finished the tile repair in the empty apartment, caulked the bathtub,  did major mildew cleanup and caulking in the downstairs bath, some other minor tile repair, some spackling, plus visited old friends and ran some errands.  The prospective tenant I interviewed accepted the apartment and signed the contract.  He seems quite nice and has good credentials, so that is a blessing to have it taken care of for another year. 

I dined every lunch and dinner at Atwater's Ploughboy soups.  Whew!  I had Louisian Creole crab soup for Friday lunch,  Italian Wedding Meatball soup for Friday supper, and Gazpacho with crab, avocado and lime for Saturday lunch.  Whew!  I almost brought home some Shrimp curry soup, but didn't.  There is nothing like Atwaters, and if you are ever in Baltimore, you should check it out!

I also visited a dear friend, Cathay, who is leaving Baltimore with her husband, as he got a position across the Atlantic on the continent.  Baltimore will not be the same without her, and it was great to spend some time.

Since I am married to a wonderful man, I haven't really been tested to the end of myself in marriage.  That took having two children.  Christopher read all the books in the womb, and so I had everything in the bag--I followed all the directions, too, and he ate well, slept well, was quickly obedient to gentle commands, was sweet as pie and happy to everybody--that is, until his life was upset by Natalie.  Natalie came shortly after a big move to a house that needed a lot of work, and some of the contractors pushed their expected dates of delivery to about four months late, and Natalie came two and a half weeks early after 7 weeks of bedrest, a few days before Christmas (which I insisted on hosting at our home???  Blame that on the hormones, or some other unexplainable irrational piece of my brain).   A few days later, they were breaking up the cast iron bathtub in the bathroom between our children's rooms, and Christopher's previously perfect, painless, prolonged nap routine was completely upset over the weeks of bathroom remodeling. 

Things are much, much smoother now, but I don't think I've ever really recovered from our move and all the ensuing drama,  and now Christopher has genuine challenges requiring a change of heart toward unselfishness, which is much harder to take care of than simple obedience to pleasant commands.   Of course Natalie has selfish genes as well, so life is never dull. 

I have to say that I have come to the end of myself, and that it is a mercy of God.  I am generous, as long as it doesn't cost me my rejuvenation time.  Frankly, I'm selfish and self-centered, I've discovered in a deeper, more painful way.  I can be crabby and impatient.  I realize that I have been parenting according to the many, many books I've read, and adding God and the Bible as a special subject.  Basically, my children's selfishness brings me to my own selfishness and the realization that I am not capable of being the parent I want to be, let alone that God created me to be.  

This is why it's a mercy--it never has been about my performance--it's about God's grace and holiness, and His work in me and all those I love.  I am so utterly thankful that His umbrella is over my head, because no matter how many things I "get right" in parenting/marriage, I simply cannot cover all the bases.  It is terrifying to try to figure out if I'm covering them all, because I simply am incapable, but what a great relief to know that He is in control--I simply need to worship, love, and obey Him and rest in His empowerment, which is palpable when I worship. 

I have so far to go, but I'm so thankful for Jesus' work on the cross and the freedom it brings--the great relief and peace!  Thank-You God for the joy and love You have given me recently--lifting me up from great discouragement and despair.  You are amazing, lovely, and powerful.  Thank You for saving me!