May. 28, 2006 - On Middle Age
I just read a silly email that goes around called "The Husband Store". Maybe you've read it, maybe not. The gist of it is that women can search this store one floor at a time, the options seem to get better and better as they ascend, but they may not return to a lower floor, and ultimately find themeselves on the sixth floor, being visitor number "x" million, they've had their chance; no husband, no turning back.
I feel like visitor "x" million (or should I say billion) to the land of "middle age". Just one of the next batch passing through. I'm not even sure when it happened. One day you find yourself doubling your age and thinking: "Hmmm, I wonder if this is about half way." Not to say it is or it isn't. Who knows? (other than God). Maybe I hit it a long time ago and this is all for nothing, or maybe I'm going to be fabulously old (and cute!!) and I'm not there yet! But, unless I am going to significantly outlive most of relatives who have gone on before me, this is probably about it.
I don't have anything startlingly new to add to the Blog of the throng that have gone before me: what's so new about the dismay of the mirror - who the heck is *that* staring back at me? I thought I was much _________ (insert: slimmer, prettier, blonder, taller, smoother.... :-) And this not once, but repeatedly, almost every mirror I have the misfortune to pass! My memory is astonishingly short for the realities I face as well!
And there's not much new in the reproaches for the past: missed opportunities, lapses of sanity, idiotic choices, plunges into worldliness, lack of prayerfulness and holiness in general.... the list goes on and on doesn't it? "Golly, I thought I would have done something more with my life by now" or "Whatever happended to my dreams, hopes and aspirations?"
Most days, I am a respectable Christian homeschooling Mom, and I have a handle on all these assorted mid-life questions and cries - I have all the right scriptures, all the right answers, all the right books and could counsel another fellow on the journey, but there are DAYS !!!!..... when it all falls apart, and I am just a sobbing lump of middle-aged, hormonally-imbalanced humanity!!
And all of this lovely display of "unhinged-ness" does wonders for those around you - whom you love desperately - who might be thinking, "Well, you've been being my wife/mother/friend/etc. for these "x" years, doesn't *that* count for something? Wasn't I enough?" Yikes! Of course, the very last thing you want is to hurt them! But, alas, they are in the line of fire, and there to pick up the pieces as you slowly, but effectually, fall apart - Bless them!! (and love, hugs and cudos to you dear loved ones who may happen upon this ramble).
It's just.... I dunno; that there are things that I have always dreamed I would do - things that have been on my heart for many years (at least 30); Things that I thought/think that the Lord Himself had put there, but then I wonder if it was just me all along. And it's not for a lack of trying: I have a list as long as both my arms of attempts, and another list of the bruises - some self-inflicted, I'm sure, but many have been brethren-inflicted, and organization-inflicted - inflicted, received, forgiven, but still tender. And yet....
I know that the Lord my God is watching over me. I know that He knows ever hair on my head, that He is the One who orders my steps, that He is the God of the impossible and that He loves me and cares for me beyond anything I can understand. I know He sees and understands my hurting heart and I know He has a plan. I know He let Sarah wait til she was 90 to bear a son, and that hosts of others have waited, wondered, and trusted. I know that I should neither waiver, nor struggle knowing that He is in control, and that I shouldn't be impatient.... God Help Me!!
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May. 24, 2006 - On Homeschool Planning - esp. High School
I started this a while back, then wiped the whole rambling mess off the net and this is the re-start of that, hopefully less rambling than the previous effort.
Ahh, homeschool planning! We love it, we hate it, we agonize over it, we change it. It's one thing that never seems to be written in stone no matter how many years you have been doing it.
I have read lots of posts by lots of homeschoolers in my 9 years of overseeing our little educational experience, and this seems to be the roughest, toughest monster to wrangle each year. It doesn't seem to matter where people live, how many (or few) children they have, or whether they are eclectic, classical, Charlotte Mason, textbook or whatever, we struggle epically each and every year with the vast sea of curriculum choices tauntingly hawked at conferences, on web sites, in magazines et al. (A sea that has long since broken the shores of a few simple choices that were available when we began - and we're not even pioneers in this area.)
Over the years I have learned a few tricks, come to be able to effectively block 90% of the vendors' cries, and settled in my own heart and mind (for the most part ;-) "where" we are heading, educationally - and by that I mean academically, but also character-wise, skill-wise, and rock-solid, spiritual-foundation-wise.
What seeps in, like some insideous toxic gas is the collection of un-truths that I have accumulated during my own years in the "educational system". Funny thing is that back in 1979 when I "graduated from high school", I had not learned much that was going to get me very far - academically, emotionally or spiritually! As a matter of fact, I think I came out with a hefty handicap that took literally 10 years to begin to overcome. And because I am a child of that "system", I have struggled to not compare what we do in our home learning, to what the kids in the school system "do". Really, much of it doesn't look much like what is prescribed by the educational gurus of our country, but then, our daughter doesn't look much like the children the gurus have presented our society with either.
So what *am* I doing? I am trying really hard to stay focused on what the Lord is doing in our daughter, and seeking His face for her education. It's hard. It's hard not to hear the other voices, but I know that He has a plan that is better and higher than 'theirs'.
I am a fan of Barb Shelton, and her book Senior High: A Home-Designed Form-U-La. Now, I freely confess that at first, this tome is a little daunting, but that's really mostly because she has included reams of forms that can be used for various things (I'm not going 'there' right now). Don't let the size of the book turn you back!!! It's worth every moment!!
What I LOVE about Barb's message, is that she is guideing her readers to seek GOD'S MESSAGE for their children, their education, their peace, their all. Have I arrived at the end of the 'thinking make-over' assembly line? Nope. I'm getting there though (tell me that on a PMS day!). I still struggle - but I struggle less. I still fear, but I fear less often. I don't have a handle on it all, but I have started being able to acticulate some of this thinking to friends who have the same struggles, and who also long for all that God would have for them in their homeschool and their homes, period!
Back a bit I referenced the "insidideous toxic gas" of untruths I have unknowingly breathed during my own school years. This is Barb's big mission: to help us de-tox from all that has shaped us in the past. From this same book (Senior High Form-U-La) Barb writes:
"I believe that once parents get the system out of their system, and get new (God's) ideas about education, they can do a wonderful job with their own kids! So that's the heart and soul of our ministry!
"I no longer regard the traditional school system as any kind of "standard" that I am to live by or up to, or as being one smidgen better, or more valid, or more effective than what God can lead us into."
Like Barb says elsewhere, you don't realize how much the system of thinking is in you til you try to get rid of it!! It's like some of those really nasty, deep-rooted weeds that come back every spring despite your best efforts - except, I do find that as I try to submit my thinking to God's thinking, that the roots become weaker and are finally starting to shrivel. They should be all cleared out by the time we graduate ;-)
More on what we have been using, aspiring to use :-) and planning to try to use ;-) next year and the following years.
So much for not rambling!! Sorry. Now it's time for tea!
Cheers.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." Mt. 6:33
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May. 4, 2006 - Getting Started
Well, here goes! My very first blog.
The theme of "getting started" could really mean lots of things, and I think, really, that it does. Gettting started blogging, getting started on a new day, getting started being a better wife or mother, getting started (or finished) getting my messy office organized, getting started on planning for the next year of homeschooling, or on the next day of learning to walk closely with my Lord - Jesus Christ! In a week or two, it might mean getting started wearing glasses for the first time in my life (not counting the collection of "drugstore readers" that I have been amassing over the past 12 months or so 
) YIKES!! 
For now, perhaps I will wander a bit in a garden of "getting started flowers" if you will, and find out what is most needing to 'come out' of me. Allow me though, to take a moment, and get started making supper! I just know my family is going to want to eat sometime soon.
