May. 28, 2006 - On Middle Age
I just read a silly email that goes around called "The Husband Store". Maybe you've read it, maybe not. The gist of it is that women can search this store one floor at a time, the options seem to get better and better as they ascend, but they may not return to a lower floor, and ultimately find themeselves on the sixth floor, being visitor number "x" million, they've had their chance; no husband, no turning back.
I feel like visitor "x" million (or should I say billion) to the land of "middle age". Just one of the next batch passing through. I'm not even sure when it happened. One day you find yourself doubling your age and thinking: "Hmmm, I wonder if this is about half way." Not to say it is or it isn't. Who knows? (other than God). Maybe I hit it a long time ago and this is all for nothing, or maybe I'm going to be fabulously old (and cute!!) and I'm not there yet! But, unless I am going to significantly outlive most of relatives who have gone on before me, this is probably about it.
I don't have anything startlingly new to add to the Blog of the throng that have gone before me: what's so new about the dismay of the mirror - who the heck is *that* staring back at me? I thought I was much _________ (insert: slimmer, prettier, blonder, taller, smoother.... :-) And this not once, but repeatedly, almost every mirror I have the misfortune to pass! My memory is astonishingly short for the realities I face as well!
And there's not much new in the reproaches for the past: missed opportunities, lapses of sanity, idiotic choices, plunges into worldliness, lack of prayerfulness and holiness in general.... the list goes on and on doesn't it? "Golly, I thought I would have done something more with my life by now" or "Whatever happended to my dreams, hopes and aspirations?"
Most days, I am a respectable Christian homeschooling Mom, and I have a handle on all these assorted mid-life questions and cries - I have all the right scriptures, all the right answers, all the right books and could counsel another fellow on the journey, but there are DAYS !!!!..... when it all falls apart, and I am just a sobbing lump of middle-aged, hormonally-imbalanced humanity!!
And all of this lovely display of "unhinged-ness" does wonders for those around you - whom you love desperately - who might be thinking, "Well, you've been being my wife/mother/friend/etc. for these "x" years, doesn't *that* count for something? Wasn't I enough?" Yikes! Of course, the very last thing you want is to hurt them! But, alas, they are in the line of fire, and there to pick up the pieces as you slowly, but effectually, fall apart - Bless them!! (and love, hugs and cudos to you dear loved ones who may happen upon this ramble).
It's just.... I dunno; that there are things that I have always dreamed I would do - things that have been on my heart for many years (at least 30); Things that I thought/think that the Lord Himself had put there, but then I wonder if it was just me all along. And it's not for a lack of trying: I have a list as long as both my arms of attempts, and another list of the bruises - some self-inflicted, I'm sure, but many have been brethren-inflicted, and organization-inflicted - inflicted, received, forgiven, but still tender. And yet....
I know that the Lord my God is watching over me. I know that He knows ever hair on my head, that He is the One who orders my steps, that He is the God of the impossible and that He loves me and cares for me beyond anything I can understand. I know He sees and understands my hurting heart and I know He has a plan. I know He let Sarah wait til she was 90 to bear a son, and that hosts of others have waited, wondered, and trusted. I know that I should neither waiver, nor struggle knowing that He is in control, and that I shouldn't be impatient.... God Help Me!!
Comments
May. 30, 2006 - I can relate to this
Posted by Marcelyn
Passing through middle age/feeling like there is much to do yet little accomplished....
I think it's a normal thing. I sometimes feel as though I am just now figuring out who I am and think it's almost too late to be finding this out!
Now the funny thing is.. you said you didn't know if you had much to add to the blog of the "throng" that went before you..... well in my Scotland addled brain I read "thong" instead of "throng" and thought..... wow, never heard of a thong blog.... and I thought I'd heard it all. :) Too much travel I guess. I found it funny though.
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