Today my old high school, jr high school, elementary school and kindergarten had an all school reunion. Yes, I went to the same small Christian private school from K-12.
Academically, it was a good experience. Although you could never classify me as studious back then, I feel it did give me a good educational background that gives me my of the confidence to teach my kids at home. I had lots of good friends, some I'm still in contact with today and one I still consider my dearest friend. Almost all of my teachers were caring and interested in the subjects they taught. It was a very strict school with some pretty crazy rules. I never really minded the crazy rules. I could follow the rules and play along.
But after I graduated from there, something would haunt me for years and years. The judgment and the hypocrisy coming down from the pulpit, through the teachers, to the students. For one thing, were you really sure that you were saved? I mean really sure??? Because if you still sinned, you must not be. They taught that repentance not only meant that one turned from their sins but then never sinned again! It was very difficult to have the assurance of salvation when every other weekend a teacher was getting saved. I found this very confusing because I knew that in order teach at the school, you had to write a statement of faith and I'm sure that Salvation according the Bible was crucial on that statement. But here they all were, getting saved because they still struggled with sin. It made me wonder if I really meant it and was saved too...
Along with the judgment, you had to be the right kind of Christian. Outward appearance of the strict dress code was a sign of salvation. If a girl wore pants off campus, was she a Christian? If your parents attended another church where they may have taught from an NIV rather than the KJV, was that really a Christian church? When December came around, did you have a Christmas tree in your home and celebrate Christmas? (By the way, I have no problem with those that choose to wear dresses exclusively, adhere to the KJV or don't celebrate Christmas as long as that is one's personal conviction and not mandatory for salvation.) Of course, we signed a contract that said we would not smoke,(Ok) drink,(Ok)gamble, (ok) do drugs, (ok) go to movies (but we could rent them?) or play cards (but we could play Uno?) Grace?????? What's that???? Joy???? Some had it, but the ones who followed the rules the closest didn't seem to have it. Even though we were always taught that it was Salvation without works, adhering to the list unwritten rules was a sign of salvation and if you didn't follow the rules, you probably were not saved.
After I graduated, it all caught up to me. Not the crazy rules, but the judgment and hypocrisy. I struggled for years, wondering if I was a Christian and if assurance of Salvation and Jesus' love was really possible. I struggled with knowing who I was in Christ. For years I thought that God only loved be because He had to, not because He simply did. I thought I was a bad person and a poor excuse for a Christian.....if I even was one. It seems so trite just to write it down, but it was a huge struggle for me as a young woman trying to find my place in the world and in God's plan. No wonder most of my classmates, who at one time professed Christianity, turned their backs. For them it was a bunch of unattainable rules.
When I met my DH and began to trust him, I slowly shared my struggles. He, along with many others, helped me find my way back to true joy and the understanding of grace. But my heart aches for the ones who still struggle.
Visting the school campus today brought back many wonderful and strange memories. I'm sure I'll be dealing with these for the next few days. Maybe I'll write more about it too.
