"It is, no doubt, impossible to prevent his praying for his mother, but we have means of rendering the prayers innocuous. Make sure that they are always very "spiritual", that he is always concerned with the state of her soul and never with her rheumatism." C.S. Lewis The Screwtape Letters 

I have been thinking all week about the school that I graduated from. Just trying to sort out all the memories and the way they taught us doctrine. At the same time this week, I have been reading a book called Dear Jennifer by Marylyn K. Stout. The book is written as a memoir from her mother. It's Jennifer's published journals and diaries. Jennifer went to be with the Lord in a car accident in early 1997. She was studying to be a missionary. I went to school with Jennifer. She was a year younger than me and we became friends the last four months before I graduated. Her father was a associate pastor so she was into the doctrine more than I was. Before I became her friend, I always thought of her as extremely devout and a goody-good and not good enough to be her friend. She always seemed so cheerful that it had to be fake. It wasn't. She was full of joy. She tried hard always to please the Lord. She became an inspiration to me in that short time. Then I graduated and left. A few months later, the senior pastor fired her father over some silly and unfounded accusations that he was never allowed to defend. She moved away with her family her senior year and eventually went to a series of colleges, trying to find God's purpose for her life. In the book she transforms from knowing about God to really knowing God. She matures and makes her faith her own, and falls in love with Jesus.

But in this book, I finally figured out what bothered me so much about the crazy theology. The church, school board, and staff all saw us as souls to save. Just a number to make God happy. It was out of duty rather than love that shared the Gospel. I never felt that they loved us completely. We were just sinners who needed saving. Now please don't get me wrong here. We do need God's salvation! But it should not begin there or end there. It should be loving the person. And when we love the person, we can't help but want to love them into the Kingdom. And then continue to love them to make disciples. It really reminds me of the C.S. Lewis quote above. We must be interested in the whole person. They said that God loved us but never had the love to share. So many of the kids saw right through it and rebelled. Perhaps that is why so many of my classmates turned their backs on God. Maybe it wasn't so much the crazy rules, but that they never felt loved and accepted and encouraged to grow in Him.

Today my old high school, jr high school, elementary school and kindergarten had an all school reunion. Yes, I went to the same small Christian private school from K-12.

Academically, it was a good experience. Although you could never classify me as studious back then, I feel it did give me a good educational background that gives me my of the confidence to teach my kids at home. I had lots of good friends, some I'm still in contact with today and one I still consider my dearest friend. Almost all of my teachers were caring and interested in the subjects they taught. It was a very strict school with some pretty crazy rules. I never really minded the crazy rules. I could follow the rules and play along.

But after I graduated from there, something would haunt me for years and years. The judgment and the hypocrisy coming down from the pulpit, through the teachers, to the students. For one thing, were you really sure that you were saved? I mean really sure??? Because if you still sinned, you must not be. They taught that repentance not only meant that one turned from their sins but then never sinned again! It was very difficult to have the assurance of salvation when every other weekend a teacher was getting saved. I found this very confusing because I knew that in order teach at the school, you had to write a statement of faith and I'm sure that Salvation according the Bible was crucial on that statement. But here they all were, getting saved because they still struggled with sin. It made me wonder if I really meant it and was saved too...

Along with the judgment, you had to be the right kind of Christian. Outward appearance of the strict dress code was a sign of salvation. If a girl wore pants off campus, was she a Christian? If your parents attended another church where they may have taught from an NIV rather than the KJV, was that really a Christian church? When December came around, did you have a Christmas tree in your home and celebrate Christmas? (By the way, I have no problem with those that choose to wear dresses exclusively, adhere to the KJV or don't celebrate Christmas as long as that is one's personal conviction and not mandatory for salvation.) Of course, we signed a contract that said we would not smoke,(Ok) drink,(Ok)gamble, (ok) do drugs, (ok) go to movies (but we could rent them?) or play cards (but we could play Uno?) Grace?????? What's that???? Joy???? Some had it, but the ones who followed the rules the closest didn't seem to have it. Even though we were always taught that it was Salvation without works, adhering to the list unwritten rules was a sign of salvation and if you didn't follow the rules, you probably were not saved.

After I graduated, it all caught up to me. Not the crazy rules, but the judgment and hypocrisy. I struggled for years, wondering if I was a Christian and if assurance of Salvation and Jesus' love was really possible. I struggled with knowing who I was in Christ. For years I thought that God only loved be because He had to, not because He simply did. I thought I was a bad person and a poor excuse for a Christian.....if I even was one. It seems so trite just to write it down, but it was a huge struggle for me as a young woman trying to find my place in the world and in God's plan. No wonder most of my classmates, who at one time professed Christianity, turned their backs. For them it was a bunch of unattainable rules.

When I met my DH and began to trust him, I slowly shared my struggles. He, along with many others, helped me find my way back to true joy and the understanding of grace. But my heart aches for the ones who still struggle.

Visting the school campus today brought back many wonderful and strange memories. I'm sure I'll be dealing with these for the next few days. Maybe I'll write more about it too.