Recently on a local email loop I am on, there was a discussion by mothers on how involved live-in helpers should be with the care of their children. It was interesting to listen in to the discussion since I never had a live-in maid.

I know of some SAHM friends who tell their helpers to concern themselves only with household chores. Only in extreme circumstances would they allow their helpers to handle their child/ren. But on this discussion thread, these ladies were saying that they only concern themselves with playing with their children. Feeding, bathing, cleaning up after the children were not part of the deal for these moms.

I must qualify that most of these moms are working fulltime or part time. Please, I write this not to say that they are wrong. Obviously I do not agree with what they are doing but I won't go around telling them that they are wrong. (Working moms have their own struggles.)  Then what's my point, right?

My point is this - what jumped out to me was that it is clear that we see bathing, feeding, cleaning up after the children as something less important than playing with the kids.That's why we are able to farm them out to others.

But to me, bathing, feeding, cleaning up their messes is part of the deal of motherhood! So is waking up numerous times in the middle of the night.  

I know that when time is an issue (especially if you are a WOHM) then you need to prioritise. Play seems to be of most importance to most of us because we want to be fun parents. So the mundane stuff gets tossed aside.

Bathing, feeding, waking up in the middle of the night, and yes - even cleaning up yucky bodily fluids - do help us to bond with our children. They see that we care. They see that we are willing to help them out. It is not something they have to turn to "Aunty" to for help. Things that we do for our children, day-in-day-out is what becomes a familiar and comforting ritual to our young children. Remember, they are creatures of habit.

They also internalise, unconsciously, that these are things a mom does for their children. So that when they grow up, they will not think that these duties belong to the maids and helpers and would (hopefully!) be willing to do the same for their own children. 

I know someone who told the mom, "Mom, I am not the maid!" when told to wipe the table!  I would not want my children to say that should I ask them to help feed their younger siblings or clean up the mess a younger child has made.

Life is full of boring, mundane, inconvenient stuff we need to do. Parenting seems to magnify these stuff a million times. So are you going to do it or are you only going to be the fun-don't bother-me-with-the-mundane-stuff  type of parent?

As an aside, I recommend that you read Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas*. It is a great book on how parenting moulds and brings us closer to God but not in the usual way you would think!

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(*) Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls
By Gary L. Thomas / Zondervan

Instead of the typical instruction manual on child rearing, Thomas's inspiring and affirming book demonstrates how God uses kids to profoundly change their parents. Through scriptural insights and encouraging real-life stories, you'll learn how others handled difficulties and challenges---and how it transformed their walk with God. Discover the spiritual potential in your parent-child relationships! 231 pages, softcover from Zondervan.

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Articles for the Christian SAHM can be found at :
www.BuildingUpMoms.com

Posted by Anonymous

Hi MamaLim, those are exactly my thoughts! I'm now at the crossroad if I should engage a live-in help. Your article articulates my struggles against it. I'm a fairly weak-minded person and I can forsee myself taking the easy way to being the "fun" mommy only. Thanks for the timely article :)

Vivian

Posted by MamaLim

But I must add that ***if*** you should ever need outside help, please do not feel guilty that you can't "make it". There's always a season for things. Some seasons may require that you do "sub-contract" out certain chores/errands.

Take care!
Serene

Posted by Anonymous

hi Serene,
got given this book for Christmas, great stuff,..have always knew that it was the case as I have grown to love and trust GOD so much more now...as a parent. The book just justifies it..

Happy new year, lovely lady.
We REALLY need to catch up...sigh! (to think we live down the road from each other)
Sarah CHAN

Posted by MamaLim

Yep, yep! So near yet so far, eh? :)

Serene

Posted by mummy2kynan

i only check out yr blog when i hv lotsa time on my hands.

can relate to this post... i had e same sentiments. uc e bathing/bonding scenario is a priceless part of my growing up.

we bathed ourselves, but when my mum bathed, i wd always join her. i'd sit on the wash-box, then catch up on our day's activities. it was a very special time, cos in a family of 10, that's e only time i had her all to myself! (she was calm, not shouting, rattled nor distracted. we had our most precious times then.)

it's a reminder to me to not leave my kids alone when they bath (i usually rush off to do chores!) they love my company. my ds sometimes asks for me to stay, but as they've grown i've slipped on this matter. sometimes we've even done stories in e bath. and things like these wd make pleasant memories...

on a different note, yr friend's kid's table comment reminded me of my dear cheeky son. once this last year he'd been a gem and been helping me non-stop in the house all day. then when dh came home, he was asking him to run him errands too. ds obliged willingly, that inspite of dh forgetting his p's and tq's! it was only after 3 or 4 times, that ds finally piped up, "daddy, am i your cinderella?"
...when i poked my head ard the kitchen, they both had a big grin on their faces. then dh commented that he was way too smart for his age! :D

el
mummy2twocinderellas!