This is not a new concept. I don't know if it exists in the Western countries or not but I believe it is not unusual in Asian countries. Not common but not unusual either.

But it is something that really bugs me!

Here is how it usually plays out : Baby is born, mother and child go through the traditional confinement month and thereafter, the baby is handed over to a nanny (could be a stranger or a relative) and the mom returns to work. The nanny takes over all care of the baby 5 to 6 days per week - day and night. The new parents only see the baby after work - if at all - and takes the baby home only for the weekends.

I am sure we all know of someone here in Singapore who does that. I personally know of 4 couples!

I feel sad for the baby. Sure, there must be some circumstances that forces one to do this, right?! Is it really true, that one is forced to do this? Or is it a case of wanting everything but not wanting to give up anything?

Can a child ever be close to his parents when this happens? Maybe. You can never underestimate the grace of God, especially in those truly desperate situations. But, in these cases that I know of, none are desperate cases.  It is all a matter of convenience - for the parents, of course.

Does anyone ever asks the child how he feels? Will the child end up always having a sense of rejection and inferiority? Yes, the nanny may love the child very much and care for him as her own but the fact remains that she is not his mother.

There are of course other repercussions - discipline is one big major issue. Does the nanny discipline the child the way you want her to? And if she doesn't, what do you do?

What about the values of the nanny? Are they the same as yours or only similar? We are often told - values are caught, not taught. This simply means that the child will pick up the values of the person he spends the most time with. And we all know how impressionable children are. How much time do these parents spend with the child compared with the nanny? And even then, the time the parents spend with the child is not even in one's own home but the nanny's home.

And for those who farm out their child to the grandparents - grandparents should be able to be grandparents, not parents.

Yes, I am very disturbed by this. Especially since the cases I know of are the result of the mom not wanting to give up their careers or veer off the career path they have planned. Like it or not, parenting causes lifestyle changes. To expect it to progress as though life is the same sans children is childish and selfish - there! I have said it. I have made my judgement even as I told myself not to!  

I am sorry - but why have a child if you are not going to be there for the child? Is one's career so important? Can it not be slowed down, put aside, temporarily, for the sake of one's own child?

Do not tell me that one has to work. There are lots of working moms out there who do not farm out their child in this manner. There are also couples out there who scaled down their financial commitments in order for mom to stay home and be there for the child. We sold off our old home at a loss in order to be debt free. How important is your child's welfare to you?

How can one farm out their child in this manner? A child is not a pet - there for you when you need it and to be put aside when you are busy and tired. Yes, parenting is tiring. And it is a long term commitment.

But what about quality time you may ask - is there such a thing??? It is somethng drummed up by the "experts" to make the working mom feel less guilty. A young child doesn't understand the concept of quality time. But the child understands how it feels to want to tell something to mom and mom is not there.

And to play the emotional card - how does it feel when your child runs to the nanny when he wants comfort instead of to you?

I say again, sure, there may be cases where the situation is dire and mom really cannot handle looking after the children and working and needs to use this arrangement - perhaps being widowed? But by and large the people who choose this option are not in this situation.

And yet I suppose I shouldn't be shocked if more people take up this option. Afterall, we have wombs for rental, why not moms for rent too, eh?  Sigh....

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Posted by sammi

er... Serene...."why have a child?"? Sori lah - bc it was *(dunno a polite word to use)* on the couple? And the couple didn't dare to abort?

I know, i know...ez to say "should change" lifestyle to adapt to baby, but btdt, it's never as "it shd be".

Posted by MamaLim

Yes, life is NEVER as it SHOULD be, coz who is the one saying it SHOULD be this way or that anyway?

And even if life isn't the way it SHOULD be, then what? Don't you seek to make it better? Especially when a child's whole future and well being is at stake?

Yes some of us do get caught by surprises - that is, WE view the child as a surprise. GOD doesn't.

No child is an accident or a surprise. Every child is planned and wanted by God. If we see that child not in the same light, then guess what? OUR mindset has to change. Well, unless you don't believe in God, then hey! we're not on the same page lah!

Serene

Posted by Anonymous

Hi Serene

You spoke exactly how I personally felt also. Sometimes I wondered why have children when parents continued to dump their kids with their maid even over the weekends so that they can "chill out" after a week of stress at work. The notion of the sufficiency of quality time is so over rated to the point of being lame. What children really need is T. I. M. E, not any other fanciful stuff. I hope more will be more sacrificial and less selfish.

Posted by Anonymous

I totally agree with you Serene. The "funniest" part is when they wonder why the child is not close to them. I've even heard of children who wanted to go back to Philippines with the maids because biological mum is essentially a stranger to them. And the mum is a tai-tai SAHM!

Posted by sammi

but yah - those "people" who are weekend parents that we are talking abt, maybe really don't believe, lor.

Interestingly, my mom's tenants who lived in her tiny 150sq ft extension (room) made 3 babies there, and had to bring them back to M'sia to birth/care. Now that they got their S'p PR, they bought a house and brought all their 3 children back to stay with them. They are very close, even tho' their babies were not with them for a major part of all their 4 or 5 years of life!

Posted by MamaLim

Your mom's tenant I mean.

The other thing is - those couples I mentioned, they all profess to be believers leh! :(