-Lesson 14
Destructions (a.k.a instructions): Take the summary and
expand it into a full, riveting, action-packed scene!
Summary: Josh and his friends ride the rapids in a leaky
raft and survive.
My version:
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“Come on!” Emily called “we’re going to be late!”
“I’m coming!” I called back, as I stumbled into the raft.
“What kept you?” Eric asked.
“My Mom had to do her hair.”
Eric made a face.
“Stop yakking and let’s go!” Emily grumbled. We shoved
off and I noticed the river was very high today.
“Is the river supposed to be so fast?” Eric asked nervously,
“Umm no, it’s not” Emily replied, “Does anyone else notice
that the water is getting closer to the walls of the raft?”
“Yes! I think we’ve sprung a leak!” Eric screamed.
“Look out for the rapids!” Emily yelled back.
Oh no! I thought we’re going to crash! Somehow Eric
maneuvered us out of danger and Emily’s makeshift patch
kept us from sinking. “Whoa! That was close!” I enthused
“I think Josh screamed the loudest.” Eric teased me.
“Oh yeah? You screamed pretty loud yourself.” I teased back.
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Posted by 
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Come on! Emily called were going to be late! [show us where she is. Is she in the raft? Is she standing, trembling, shaking, waving wildly?]
Im coming! I called back, as I stumbled into the raft.
What kept you? Eric asked.
My Mom had to do her hair.
Eric made a face.
Stop yakking and lets go! Emily grumbled. We shoved off and I noticed the river was very high today. [SHOW me the high water. Is it overflowing the banks, churning over rocks? Is it splashing into the raft? How can you show the reader the high water?]
Is the river supposed to be so fast? Eric asked nervously,
[nervously is a DEAD WORD! SHOW us Eric's nervousness. Does his voice shake? Do his eyes dart back and forth, scanning the river?]
Umm no, its not Emily replied, Does anyone else notice that the water is getting closer to the walls of the raft?
Yes! I think weve sprung a leak! Eric screamed.
Look out for the rapids! Emily yelled back.
Oh no! I thought were going to crash! Somehow Eric maneuvered us out of danger and Emilys makeshift patch kept us from sinking.
[Somehow? The reader wants to know HOW they got out of this mess. That's the point of the scene, to carry the reader through a scary or fun adventure]
Whoa! That was close! I enthused
I think Josh screamed the loudest. Eric teased me.
Oh yeah? You screamed pretty loud yourself. I teased back.
[good ending]
I've read some of your story pieces before, Margo, and you are a very good writer and can make me "see" things. Somehow I get the feeling that "riding the rapids" didn't have your full attention. LOL
If you prefer, you may choose a different scene--something more interesting to you, if you like.
:-)