especially when it involves your dreams.

For years, I have wanted to be a published author.  And when I say years, I do mean years-- as long as I can remember.  I carried around a notebook and wrote little stories from the time I could first form words.  Harriet the Spy was my hero.  I never really thought I would publish a book, but it was a kernel of a dream I carried around safely in my heart.  I didn't really get it out for public inspection, lest someone mishandle it.  And there it stayed, for years. 

Enter a friend of mine who shall remain nameless but who reads this blog and will know who she is.  She is a published author and began a campaign to convince me that I could be too.  She convinced me I had something of worth to say.  She coerced me into taking my dream off the shelf and quit hiding behind the word "someday."  She made me step WAY out of my comfort zone by beginning to approach editors and publishers. 

That was nearly five years ago.  I have had my share of rejections and close calls on this publishing journey.  As I learned and asked questions about this unique process of publishing in the Christian market, it resulted in the self published book you see in the sidebar.  I have also taken on speaking, since publishers expect writers to speak.  Talk about out of your comfort zone!  Speaking is most decidedly not my first love, but it has grown on me the more I have gotten out there and done it.

Last summer I went through a real time of soul searching about all of this.  I didn't want my ego to get in the way, I wanted to keep my focus on God and my family (my first priorities always), and I wanted to just be in God's perfect will for me-- especially considering that I am writing for and about Him.  If He didn't want me to do this, then I didn't want to do this!  I spent a bunch of time obsessing and praying and venting and questioning and came to the conclusion that I would continue to speak some, but that I was to lay down my dreams of publishing.  So, that is what I did. I wrote my agent and told her that I would no longer be shopping the two proposals she had for me.  I filed away those two projects and, while I still wrote when inspired for small publications and contributed my devotions for P31, I no longer thought in terms of contracts and proposals. 

A few weeks went by when a friend called to ask if I would be interested in submitting a proposal to Hearts at Home, as they were looking for a title to be released through Harvest House in 2008.  She knew I had a motherhood book on my heart, and wanted to know if I would submit what I had.  I was amazed.  God had done it!  He had asked me to lay down my dreams and I had willingly obeyed.  Just like Isaac and the ram in the thicket, He had provided me a way out.  This was the opportunity I had been waiting for!  Oh, how I praised God as I hung up the phone with her!  This was "it"! 

Well, I went through a lot of back and forth with the Hearts publication director and their agent as we worked on getting the book where it needed to be.  The agent was wonderful at honing in on what she felt the book really was, as admittedly the first proposal I sent her was all over the place and was, as she described, about three books in one.  We zeroed in on making it a book of devotions for moms and it passed through the publication team for Hearts and then it had to get the agent's stamp of approval before she would submit it to Harvest.  I waited on pins and needles, knowing that (in the words of my friend) the agent's okay was golden.  Only one other project in the history of Harvest and Hearts partnership had not gotten a contract once it got through Hearts team and the agent.  Again, I celebrated when she said it was worthy of sending on to Harvest.  And then, I sat back and waited for the contract, to be honest.  I submitted my final stuff to the agent the week before Christmas. 

Yesterday, I heard back from the publication director with Hearts.  And it was not good news.  Harvest passed on the project. 

I had to go back and read it again.  That is how certain I was that the book would go.  That this was God's answer to asking me to lay down my dream of publishing.  I just knew there was a happy ending to the story.  So, I called my husband and told him.  I called my friend Melanie and told her, as she and I had just talked about it that morning, oddly enough.  And then, I pouted.  And I doubted.  And I ate several bars of dark chocolate that my daughter had given me for Christmas that I hid for a time when I would need reinforcement.  This seemed to be just that time. 

Last night, my husband and I spent a long time talking about what this means for me.  He asked me to re-evaluate whether God really provided me with that ram in the thicket or whether He had tested my resolve with my friend's phone call.  In hindsight, that seems possible, but I never stopped to consider that at the time.  I was still looking, I guess, for a way to hang on to my dream. 

Today I still don't have answers.  I am wondering what God has for me next.  I am choosing to focus on the good things in my life, not to let this setback totally derail me, and also just seeking God in all of this.  I am back to laying down my dream for real this time-- and trusting that God will have patience with me as He sees my heart and knows that all I really want is what He wants.  Now, if I could just figure out what that is...