Jul. 22, 2009 - Months of change
The past few months have flown by and with it so many changes in our lives. It has been so long since my last post that I am not sure how many of you will actually read this, but I guess that isn't why I'm writing this. The title of this entry is so fitting and I guess I need to sort out everything, hence the post. Writing will help me remember and when I look back someday, praise thr Lord for His provision and stong arms to rest in.
After my last post we had many months of waiting for July to come so hubby could leave for his training. I continued to work part-time and WH finished out the school year with Sweetheart and Angel. At the end of March, hubby and I found out we were expecting our fifth child. We were surprised but happy to see this new addition to our family. The Lord had to work on me the first two or three after I found out. I felt that we had enough of our life up in the air, not knowing where we would be in the next few months, no job yet and wasn't sure the the timing was right for a new child. I finally came to accept that a baby would just bring a new element of surprise and excitment. So, finally accepting this gift from the Lord brought me peace. I think the resounding lesson I have learned in the past four months is to LOOK TO THE LORD FOR STRENGTH AND GUIDANCE! He will guide our path and give light in the darkness.
I continued to work but was plagued with pretty bad morning sickness. I would get home from work and fall exhausted on the couch. My WH was truly wonderful! He made dinner and cleaned up and took care of the kids. I learned to praise the Lord that I was in the beginning stages of pregnancy while he was there to help.
During this time, my husband's grandfather's health was deterioating fairly quickly. We felt the Lord wanted us to make a trip to Missouri while we still had the ability to see him. As these are lean times for us, this was not an easy decison to make. However, I knew we would regret not going if he did pass away in the near future. While his grandfather's health stabilized we still planned to go visit. Right before we left for the trip, my mother called to let me know that my uncle had taken his life. She was broken-hearted, as you can imagine. She had been praying for him for so long and it seems he just gave up. He suffered from Parkinson's and we think he may have fallen into a pit of dispair.
This began a very long, tiring process of closing his estate. Packing up his house and cleaning and such....my parent's devoted two months to this task. It isn't over of course. Now comes the part of selling what can be sold. My mother and her sister and parents divided his items between their homes in preparation for selling.
My last day at work was June 30th. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of time to get my husband ready to leave us for 8 weeks. Plus, I wanted undisturbed time with him. Well, as undisturbed as you can have with four children. The last day of cleaning out his house came on the first of July. My parents and my family and my sister (who was visiting from California) all went down to chip in. It was a bittersweet moment for me. In the past nine years my uncle had become pretty much a recluse. My grandparents would visit once or twice a month but he wouldn't even answer the phone. I have great memories of happy times with him from when I was younger and just a couple memories from after I got married. I was glad that I could help my family close up his house.
The next day brought a shock that I am still recovering from. I had my 18 Week appointment scheduled for that morning. I had made plans with my sister to make a cheesecake and asked if she wanted to come over early and watch the kids so that hubby and I could go together. This would be the last appointment he would go with me to in a long time so I wanted him there. Unfortuantly she was late and I had to leave without him. Everything was normal up until they went to check the heart beat. Not being able to find one. the doctor brought in the ultrasound machine. My heart started beating harder but I found peace while praying and waiting. I'm an optimist by nature and wasn't going to bring worry on until we knew for sure. I figured the baby was being sneaky and hiding. Not so. The ultrasound showed there was no heart activity. Tears started flowing and I was missing my husband more and more. The doctor said they would do one more ultrasound with the technician to verify but I would have to wait as she was finishing one up. I asked to call my husband and thankfully my sister was there to watch the kids and he had her car. He was there within ten minutes and they gave us a couple minutes to grieve together.
It was confirmed in the ultrasound room that the baby had died. We were devastated, of course. So started our journey of bittersweet sorrow. We checked into the hospital that day. Not wanting to wait as hubby was due to leave in less than ten days I wanted and needed him there with me for as long as possible. Going to the hospital for the delivery of your deceased child is so forgein, I still have not absorbed all that has gone on in the last month. I was induced and that in itself wasn't so bad. The delivery of our precious little Sam went without any complications - Praise the Lord. The whole expierence, while very sad and heart-breaking, was also filled with gladness and praise. The Lord gave us Sam for the time he was given. It was very short and we will always miss him but we look forward to seeing him one day when we get to heaven. Any mother who has lost a child can understand the bittersweet feelings I have.
We spent the holiday weekend planning our Sam's memorial service and burial. The memorial service was beautiful and glorified the Lord - exactly as we wanted it. Of course, we had some obstacles to overcome (mainly our son was throwing up the day of the memorial) but refused to let them deter us from being there and being wrapped in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father and friends and family.
After the burial on Tuesday, we had to quickly get hubby ready to leave that Sunday. My parents graciously offered to watch our children so that I could go with my husband the first week. And believe me, I needed that time with him as much as he needed it with me! For different reasons. It's not easy going back to school and I was glad to be there to help him adjust. Also, I needed quiet time to let all the changes sink in. We had some times of joy and laughter but also shared some moments of grief. In everything that has happened these last fews months, the greatest gift has been Sam and what he did for my husband and I. The grief of losing a child can sometimes overwhelm and pull spouses apart. It only brought my husband and I closer together in a way that we haven't been in years. Which makes this time apart that much more difficult. It also opened the door for us to be recipents of so much love and support from our church family and friends. Words fail to express how much we have appreciated everything that people have done for us. We are humbled by their generousity and love.
My husband is into his second week of training and is looking forward to finishing. We don't know where He plans to take us but are resting in the knowledge that He will show us the way in His time.
