Ok--I feel like I'm standing here naked to be revealing this much, but I feel like this is really a turning point in my life, and I want to get it out here. Here goes--a couple of weeks ago, I realized that it's not that I don't trust God. It's not that I don't believe He's capable. It's that I don't actually believe that He loves me enough. I do believe that He loves me enough to save me. FINALLY I am no longer struggling with assurance of salvation. BUT--knowing that I don't even deserve salvation, I certainly feel like I don't deserve anything beyond that. I seem to function along the lines of--don't look for great--you don't deserve it and God always does those cool, miraculous things for other people.

Clearly, there's an issue with my identity in Christ. So--I've been really praying to understand who He is, and who I am in Him. And to remember that even if I was the ONLY ONE--He would still have died for me. I am not an add-on to His plan. Which means that He loves me in my daily life, too.

I pulled out a great book by Brother Lawrence called The Practice of the Presence of God. I LOVE this book. I love what I'm learning about basking in His presence and Practicing being in His presence.

I think, too, that I am not recognizing what He HAS done for us. Did he sell our house in two days? At above list price? To buyers who waived the inspection? Um, NO. BUT He has sustained us through this time. He HAS kept us from buying the wrong house--twice--in the last six months. He HAS kept our dream house on the market, and brought it to a price where we could afford it. And today, He gave us a snowblower for $20!!!

Two weeks ago, I won the HSB contest for The Grammar Key. That was really when this whole crisis of believe started--I was shocked that I even bothered to blog a comment to enter the contest, and I was certain that I would never win.

Still, I'm nervous about our inspection on our old house--by these picky buyers --who are bringing in a structural engineer! Please know--I don't actually think there are problems with the house. I just happen to know that the pickiest of inspectors can find and advise buyers whatever they want....But I TRUST that He loves us enough to provide an honest and trustworthy inspector who will do a thorough inspection and that the buyers will not nickel and dime us with ridiculous repairs. 'Cause we're a little short on nickels and dimes right now.

And THAT is the ugly truth of where my heart is right now. BUT I know that God sheds light on areas so that He can cleanse them and draw us close to Him, and I can't wait to really feel like He cares about even the littlest things in my life.

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Posted by MaggieHogan

like you really DO get how much He loves you. The problem is more in that, like probably most of us, you forget that you know that He really does love YOU. So, you aren't taking Him for granted - that's good. So you don't feel worthy - well, that's good too. None of us are worthy . . . but the good news of the gospels is that even though we are but filthy rags He died for us and cleanses us and LOVES us. Praise God. And thank you for the reminder that we need to be thinking about this and not just coasting along. So . . . . I wouldn't call it a crisis - more of a blessing in disguise :-)
Love ya!
me

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Posted by the other Craigs

That's what God is, and that's why/how He loves us...it is SOOO not about us. That's what makes me strive to know Him--because how does that even work?? I have so many questions. I'm so excited for you that you are asking these questions. Isn't it wonderful! God wants us to know Him--He can't wait to reveal Himself. What an awesome God! BTW, if you haven't read the book Divine by Karen Kingsbury--please do so! It speaks to the divinity of God that is revealed in His choice to love lowly, fallen, sinful humans like we all are! PS I'm still praying about the Pgh house etc...Love to all...

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Posted by kphillips5

and KNOWING, that is where we always come back to isn't it? I am rejoicing with you in this place. By the way, the kids and I are coming to Michigan after Easter are yoou all going to be there cuz we would love to stop and see you all.
Karen

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Posted by EmbraceLife

I love this comment "And THAT is the ugly truth of where my heart is right now. BUT I know that God sheds light on areas so that He can cleanse them and draw us close to Him, and I can't wait to really feel like He cares about even the littlest things in my life." Girl, we could be sisters! I love your transparency...your writing mirrors the way I think. COme check out my blog sometimes. Thanks so much for sharing.

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