I began the Lenten journey with determination and high hopes. I visualized myself pouring over the Word of God long before the sun had risen. I saw myself wearing a sublime smile as I touched all my household duties with joy, and greeted each burden with grace. After all, it's Lent, and I was focusing all my energy on working out spiritually. And with my whole armor consciously tacked on, surely I would be more “successful” than on “regular” days...

(Deep down though I was wondering how I would be tested and was actually a bit apprehensive blogging about my intentions here.)

So the kids fell ill. My daughter had the worst case of flu and the two weeks of getting her better and then trying to normalize our schedule didn't leave me looking or acting exactly angelic.

You know, three things really get me all discombobulated:

1.when my children are unwell
2.when my house is messy and disorganized
3.when I feel I'm failing my children as I home school them

And because I didn't go for my normal physical workout as in my TKD sessions for two weeks, I felt miserable, and the effects of the above suddenly became a bit overwhelming.

Then as I struggled to get back on track, I had my worse pollen allergy attack. That reduced me to a cotton ball. I wanted to claw out my eyes. My nose became a dripping faucet. One night, I tried the Neti Pot (I even watched the video to make sure I did it right). But that experience left me worst off than ever. Maybe I have some polyps in my nasal cavity or something because the homemade saline refused to succumb to gravity. That episode left my ears buzzing and my nose more choked up than ever. Undaunted, I did it on both nostrils and spent the night drowning in my nasal offerings. After a day's break, I bravely tested the Neti Pot's supposed magic again. Needless to say, I don't think I'm a good Neti Pot candidate. So till last night I couldn't sleep for the stuffed up nose, laryngitis, and uncontrollable coughing. (Thankfully my eyes are now behaving better.) Antihistamines of various ilk didn't help (my husband knew I was desperate when I resorted to those). And since I've lost my voice, I can only whisper...

Yes, instead of focusing on the Lord, trusting in His timing and counting my blessings (there have been so many!) I've been having hopping from one miserable pity-party to another.

BUT no, nothing is in vain. God is good and I'm thankful I can record one main lesson learned so far during this Lenten journey.

God is not interested in my performance or productivity. Period.

If I draw my comfort, peace and joy from my performance and how fruitful my day has been (and this includes the wonderful time I can spend quietly at His feet), then I'm being idolatrous. Anything that replaces the Lord as the source of joy is idolatrous.

You see, I have been too hung up on what I can do for my family, my friends and even for God. Productivity in those areas always makes me happy and when my hands are tied, I invariably feel out of sorts.

No, I should not draw my comfort, peace and joy  from my performance in executing my duties or from my success in engaging in pleasurable activities. 

My comfort, peace and joy should come from what God has done for me in the finished work of Christ!

When I'm honest with myself I wonder how God can actually love me! But He does. He drew me to Him so long ago and as I placed my faith in Jesus, He gave me new life.

And today I need not replace my position in Him with what  I think my position in life should be.

God just loves me and I don't have to earn His approval. I don't have to perform. I don't have to be someone important. Even for Him. Nothing matters but that I'm letting Him conform me in the image of Christ.

So the house is a mess. Homeschooling has seen better days. I could get fitter. Things could be more organized. I could bake my own bread again. And sprout again. And...

But hey, there is no need to strive.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” My Beloved reminds me today.

“Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” He assures me.

“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” He reminds me.

So yes, no strife.

Just peace, comfort and joy in Him and in His finished work on the Cross.

And as I conclude this Lenten reflection, I wish you peace, comfort and joy in Him. And in Him only.

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