I just found out that Richard Carlson, writer of “Don' Sweat the Small Stuff” died unexpectedly last week of cardiac arrest. He left behind his wife and life partner of 25 years and their two daughters. He was only 45. This is so very sad. I hope he knew the Lord...

It had been a long time since I first read his runaway bestseller, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. I just loved the title and have found myself repeating that when things get too overwhelming for me. Why sweat the small stuff? Why do we frequently major on minors and sweat over things that are of no eternal value? Why do we allow our perfectionist streak treat everything as an emergency? Why do we allow the pressure to build up? Lots of life's pressure, I've realized, are just self-feeding. And what do we teach our children in the process? That getting certain tasks done on time is more important than being kind? That clean floors are more important than loving snuggles? That nothing less than perfect is not acceptable? People don't care if you don't send out the cards on time. People don't care if the house is messier than usual. People don't care if your decorations are still not up. People don't care if your child is almost 9 and you still haven't done formal math or science with her. Well, maybe a very few might, but if they want to sweat over your small stuff, you still don't have to sweat over them! Besides, most people are sweating over their own small stuff to have time to sweat over yours! And isn't life about glorifying God than impressing man?

When we sweat the small stuff, we are not showing grace. We are not fun to be with. We feel tensed. We blow the fuse easily. We become very unlikeable. I know when I sweat the small stuff, I really don't like me. Actually I can't stand me. Argh! And when I don't like me, it's hard to be the loving wife and mama.

Today, I have lots of things to sweat over. Piles of laundry for one. Disrupted routine is another because daddy is home (I love him being home but you understand what that does to the kids when daddy is home). But I'm just going to stand back a while, and recall all my blessings. Then I'm going to fill my heart and mind with the peace and love of the Lord. And do what I can. Little things don't emergencies make.

If someone like Richard Carlson, who apparently walked his talk, could just pass on so unexpectedly, that does say something about my own mortality. And I sure don't want this to be on my epitaph:

“Here lies someone who really knew how to sweat – over small stuff”

Have a blessed day all 'y'all.

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I hope you are all having a good Thanksgiving. Each year I tell myself not to overeat at my in-laws' place and each year I invariably do. It's hard not to when everyone else is eating and talking and piling their plates with more. This year, my favorite dessert was my MIL's pecan pie. It was just too good. We brought home a lot of leftovers for dinner tonight (of which we just had) and also for lunch and dinner tomorrow.

A sad event shadowed the usual light-hearted nature of our reunion though.

A young relative's wife of nearly three years left him on Monday! Just like that. They had trouble for “a few weeks” then on Monday she drove off and said she'd come back for her kitty cat when she secured an apartment. She's now staying with a girl friend. Apparently she wants the marriage to end. It's such a pitiful shame. They are young (early 20s) but they seemed happy. Outwardly. I'm sure the troubles didn't start a “few weeks” ago. For a relationship to fail, things must have had been brewing for some time now. Unresolved resentment, bitterness, lack of respect and appreciation, etc. usually play a part before one party decides to leave. Ugly issues don't appear overnight. The young man's parents have a great marriage and they have been fantastic in-laws. The girl was like the daughter they never had. She had a tough and very dysfunctional life but she married into a stable family who accepted and loved her.

When things like that happen, it is easy to say that the couple was incompatible to start with. But most happily married couples I know are outwardly incompatible. Love is a decision, and marriage is a commitment.

I think my husband and I are like water and oil; chalk and cheese, a rock and a balloon (not hard to guess who is the rock and who is the balloon). We also came from different cultures to start with. But thankfully, by the grace of God, we get along. We get along mighty well.

And this Thanksgiving, I thank God for a fantastic and understanding husband. A supportive, patient, gentle and wonderful husband who loves the Lord, his wife and his children. I thank God that he is a man of integrity. A man who walks the talk. A man who leads by example.

I personally am close to many couple-friends who currently are really struggling..I am not sure what to say to them. I wish things were as simple as wives, be submissive to your husbands, and husbands love your wives sacrificially. Life is far more complex that that. But by the grace of God, our own marriage could be just as cold and business-like.

So tonight, I'm also humbled. Very humbled that yes, my children need not fear that their parents will ever separate because my husband and I have made a commitment to love each other for life. My husband's parents have stayed together. My own parents stayed together. We will stay together too.

My prayer tonight is that the Lord be gracious to families who are feeling sad this Thanksgiving day because their spouses are absent, either physically or emotionally. May the Lord restore their love and remind them of their commitment to each other. There are no easy answers, but with God, everything IS possible.

God bless you.

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1. Start each day with an “I love you”.

   That will set the tone for the day.

2. Never let them go to bed without assurances of your love.

   They will sleep better and have sweeter dreams.

3. Don't dredge up old sins.

   Forgive and FORGET!

4. Look at them in the eye and SMILE before breakfast, before lunch and before dinner.
   Their food will digest better.

5. Look at them in the eye and then SMILE some more.
   You can never smile too much, and you never know how much that will do for you!

6. Be ready to admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
   They will follow your example.

7. Don't interrupt when they are telling you something.

   Unless you want them to stop sharing their heart when they are older.

8. NEVER raise your voice.
   That is bullying.

9. Tell them what's good and right about them.
   Negativism is counterproductive.

10. Pray for them throughout the day.

    They need the Lord's grace; and so do you.

(Copyright 2006 by Miiko Gibson)

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What kind of people do we avoid?

People who are

• angry all the time

• full of complaints

• highly critical

• mistrustful

• resentful and bitter

What kind of people are we attracted to?

People who are

• affectionate and kind

• accepting of us, foibles and all

• encouraging and affirming

• forgiving

• joyful and positive

• filled with God's love

Now consider this.

What makes our children different from us?

What kind of parents are we?

Does our countenance attract them to us?

Or do they rather avoid us?

Taking stock of what kind of a mother I am this evening...

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“God's road home is the highway of holiness. On it there are no longer the hazards of hypocrisy, jealousy or resentment.” Reba Fitz.

I don't know who Reba Fitz is. But this quote appeared on my daily calender (Words to Warm the Heart) on June 1^st and I've been thinking about it a lot the past couple of weeks.

I sure like to imagine I don't have a shred of hypocrisy, jealousy and resentment in my heart, but I would be dishonest to do that! That highway of holiness is my goal, but I do get side-tracked, and when I don't walk in the Spirit, carnality takes over...and of course, the highway becomes hazardous...

That quote reminded me of a prayer by Charles Spurgeon that impacted my heart when I first read it.

“O God, teach us the art of charity, far more to be esteemed than the most lucrative of human labors. Show us that love is the true alchemy, for charity toward others, abundantly practiced, would be the death of envy and the life of fellowship, the overthrow of self and the enthronement of Thy divine grace. Amen.”

Charity towards others, abundantly practiced, would be the death of envy and the life of fellowship...

I really, really like that.

Like everything, charity, love must be abundantly practiced. It is a daily choice, and like our muscle, love will atrophy if we don't exercise it.

May I always find opportunities to exercise godly love on this side of Heaven. Only then will I understand true liberty. And holiness. 

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If you are looking into the courtship model for your children, this is a must-read.

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I've been feeling rather down today because I just learned that a childhood friend passed away last year. Though we were great friends when we were 11 and 12, we drifted apart when we subsequently went to separate classes and then separate schools. Years passed, and lack of common interests and other commitments crowded out the memory of the old giggly friendship.

I chanced to ask about her when a mutual friend from the same 'era' e-mailed me. And the sad story was revealed. I don't have the details, but she had not been well; she reacted to the drugs given and she had to undergo too many surgeries in too short a time. I'm not sure how many children she had, but the oldest is in college and the youngest just entered school. Of course it doesn't help that she was living in another continent and here I am, in Alabama. I don't even know who or when she got married. We had not kept in touch in a few decades! And well, it's too late, now. 

But here am, grieving for Voni. Voni, the vivacious friend of my girlhood days...I don't know if she knew the Lord. I pray she did. And I pray too that her children are adjusting to the loss of their mother. Life is so short. But when one of your peers passes on, you know that life is indeed short and unpredictable.

May we live our lives fully each day.

May we unconditionally love our children and spouses that God has blessed us with.

May we love all those who need our loving touch.

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Home Again

“In Your presence is fullness of joy:
At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”
Psalm 17:11

Heart is stone,
Cannot pray.
Ache inside.
Cannot hide.

Thoughts are foggy,
Cannot think.
Woe is me,
Cannot see.

Ears are cloggged.
Cannot hear.
Tongue is perverse,
Spirit is worse.

Where's God?
I long for Him.
Where's His face?
I desire His grace!

Indeed...

It was I,
Who had moved away,
When my unplowed heart
From Him did stray.

His Word I did not imbibe,
In the closet I didn't hide.
God has been here, all along,
He can once more help me be strong.

Back to His Word!
Back to His Call!
Back to to His Mercy Seat
With heart, soul and all!

Today to Him I will yield,
Today I will be quiet and still.
Today I will let His Spirit flow,
Today for Him I will glow.

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A happy and peaceful home is built block by block.

Today I shall lovingly strengthen it with the block of patience.

Patience means not minding that my house will never be clutter-free. At least not until the children are much older.

Patience means I can drop everything to play with my children and not mind the dishes or laundry.

Patience is when  “But can we do this later?” from my daughter merely elicits a firm but loving response.

Patience doesn't mind a cool mug of tea or coffee because my children need me now.

Patience waits for another year to repaint the walls.

Patience is not losing my head when my 2 year old wants to ride his tricycle up the stairs.

Patience is calmness  when my children are screaming and chasing each other and all I want is some peace and quiet.

Patience means the newspaper can wait.

Patience is being gracious when the food in front of my daughter is not received with gratitude.

Patience is not getting flustered because my daughter has another flare-up due to her allergies.

Patience means reading “The Three Little Pigs” for the eighth time today.

Patience is listening to my son repeat the dream he had last night. (The garbage truck picked up the garbage cans and they crashed. They went crash, crash, crash! Then the garbage truck picked up the garbage cans and they crashed. They went crash, crash, crash. And then The garbage truck picked up the garbage cans and they crashed. They went crash, crash, crash!).

Patience means the computer can whirl and beckon, and I merely bat my eyelid. More important things need my attention.

Patience is teaching my children to listen better.

Patience looks cool when my son pours a bowl of rice or spaghetti over his head and says, "Look at me1 Look at me!"

Patience means waiting to grow more patient each day.

Patience means trusting in the Lord’s timing. It's perfect.

May God grant me patience today. 

(And we know what we are asking for when we ask for THAT!)

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Each morning, after breakfast, my children and I will sit in our sofa and do our morning devotions. It is rather light as it is meant more for my 2.7 year old.  We use Gilbert Beers’ The Beginner’s ABC Bible Memory Book which my son really enjoys. It has 24 chapters so it takes us about 4 weeks to finish the book before we go back to the first letter “A” again.

For example, “A” talks about a boy called Andrew who likes airplanes. Andrew is prone to anger. After the story, there is a page which explores what the Bible has to say about the teaching (anger) presented in the chapter. A Bible memory technique is also provided here before  2-3 Scripture verses (in 4 versions) about the teaching (anger) are given. 

The “B” chapter is about bad words.

“C” is about choices.

“D” is about doing

“E” is about example

“F” is about forgiveness and so on.

I usually just read and discuss the stories. The stories really appeal to my son. With my soon-to-be- eight year old daughter, we may reason out some of the verses but since she has her own Bible Study curriculum, I don’t require her to memorize verses in this book. It’s more for familiarity.

Well, the other day, my daughter made a perceptive comment.

She mused, “Mama, actually everything in this book is about two things. Obedience and making good choices, isn’t it?”

I asked her to explain. She said something like, “God wants us to be patient and kind. That’s His rule for us.  We then choose to be patient and not impatient. We can also choose to be kind or unkind.  Like I can choose to be a good example or a bad example to Joshie.  Am I right? ”

Bravo!   She hit the nail on the head! All the stories certainly point to that.

All these good character traits still remain more of a head than heart knowledge for her though.  Application is something I’m working hard on her each and every day (I need patience!  Sanctification is also the Holy Spirit’s work).

But she did hit on something, didn’t she? Practical Christian living is all about obedience. It is all about choices.

Who was it that said our life must be marked by “a long obedience in the same direction?” And along this journey we call life, we make daily choices. We either choose God’s way or the wrong way. There is no other way!  God has made clear in His word what He requires of us. He has made it clear that we reap what we sow. This principle is unchanging!

Today, may the Lord help us to obey His Word.  May He help us make good choices in all matters.

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Her attitude needed fixing, I thought.

Later we talked and prayed over that whole episode, and she did ask if she could help me when she saw me folding the towels.

But it set me thinking about my own service to the Lord.

Each day, He brings into my path opportunities to serve Him. But do I receive His instructions, His urgings, His directions  with love and joy? Paul reminds us that “whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.” (Colossians 3:17). The Psalmist exhorts us to “serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.” (Psalm 100:2)

BUT,

·         do I prepare the many meals each day (I do all from scratch for allergy reasons and sigh, the two children have different allergies) with love?

·         do I go through the endless household chores with joy?

·         do I plan to talk with a neighbor or friend about the Lord with joyful anticipation?

·         do I see all the character-training sessions I go through with my children needful but joyful tasks for the Lord?

Yes, I’m sorry to say, I don't.

My own attitude needs fixing.

So even as I see the weakensses in my own sweet daughter, may I be reminded of my own.

Forgive me, Lord, and help me see that each day, when I serve my family, friends and neighbors, I’m serving You. Help me serve You with joy, love and gladness today. AMEN.

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This is a very interesting article on Mr. Michael Pearl’s understanding of original sin. I’ve been following their ministry for many years and have in my possession, several of their publications, including “Created To Be His Help Meet”. It seems like you either love or hate the Pearls.  I don’t either. I’m just interested in reading about different Christian child-rearing approaches and theirs has been just one that caught my eye when I first became a mother.

However, I have also been disturbed by Mr. Pearl’s claim that we should and can sin no more in some of the studies he has promoted in his newsletter (I wish I had a copy of the newsletter with me now!). He also states somewhere that he has been “preaching and living this gospel of sanctification for many years.” Doesn’t this imply that he has been living in a sinless state for years? I’m not sure…I always thought complete sanctification was reserved for when we leave this side of heaven. Paul in his letters describes the indwelling sin nature in our lives and how we struggle with the flesh (Rom. 7:18; Gal. 5:16-17). Also see 1 John1:8-10.

Anyway, the article I’m referring to is incisive and insightful. If you have also been wondering about the Pearls' theology, this is a must-read. 

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Time just marches on, whether we are on, ahead of or behind schedule. I’m usually behind schedule as unexpected needs cross my path daily.  Sometimes I knowingly allow distractions to impinge upon my time. With God’s help, the latter has to change…

But I’m excited as I look ahead and trust God to show me His will though His Word and life circumstances. I see how He also uses my prayer time to reveal to me what I really need for character, conduct and creativity.

I LOVE the following quotation I read this morning and I just need to copy it here.

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          The dependable clock was nudging towards the sixth hour this morning and I had just nursed my two year old. As I quietly moved away from the bed to begin the day, I held my breath. Two children sleeping side –by-side. Oh, their faces were beautiful. They looked so peaceful, so innocent and so vulnerable. I was engulfed with love for them. I swallowed hard and felt my heart being squeezed so tightly.  One day, I will not gaze at their beautiful sleeping faces so early in the morning. One day, they will leave the coop and Lord willing, start their own families.

          Each time I appreciate the reality that my children won’t be with me forever, I also realize how oh-so-important it is that they have godly spouses.

          Godly spouses who will love and cherish them.

          Godly spouses who will respect and support them.  

          Godly spouses who will be faithful to them.

          Godly spouses who will be fun to be with.

          Godly spouses who will be their soul-mates and best friends.

          Godly spouses who will enjoy learning and reading…

          So I pray for their future spouses.

          And I also pray for the parents of their future spouses.

          I pray these parents will have strong marriages and that they will train their children to love and fear God. I pray they will encourage them to have healthy habits. I pray they will love and enjoy life so their children will know how to embrace life well too.

          Yes, it’s not too soon to pray for my children’s future spouses or their parents.   

          And why, someone just might be praying for all of us now for the same reason. That would be cool. J

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“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of those about me seemed insufficient for the day.”  Abraham Lincoln

         Prayer is warfare. How I seek to pray more and to pray deeper and better. So much is at stake.  And we know that the enemy has not and will not quit. (1 Peter 5:8)

          Today, two truths give me confidence. Firstly, our God is a mighty warrior who is on our side, winning battles. (Ex.14:14; 1 Sam 17:47;  Lk.22:31-32; Col. 2:15) Secondly, our God has also equipped us for battle. We have the necessary armor. (Eph. 6:14-17). And the battle will be fought primarily through prayer. (Eph.6:18)

          May I  hence “pray without ceasing” even as the day ahead is laden with responsibilities. Oh, how I MUST pray...

“Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees.”

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          “I’m so excited about tomorrow I can’t sleep!” my daughter exclaimed last night as she looked at me with her big brown eyes. “And why are you so excited?” I asked, like I didn’t know.

          “Oh, three reasons. One, it’s garbage truck day. Two, Daddy is taking me to his office and three, I’m going swimming.”

          These are momentous events to her.

          Since our house is on a little hill, we can have a great view of the garbage and recycling trucks each time they trundle up and down the street. She has not outgrown her fascination with the garbage truck’s robotic arms and now she has a little brother to enjoy them with her.

          She and her daddy had been talking about her going with him to work so naturally she was just thrilled about that prospect. I wish she could eat at the cafeteria with him though. But I’ve packed her a chicken sandwich, a piece of banana bread, an apple, some water and a little box of St. Claire’s Natural Fruit candy (the only kind of candy she can take.) Daddy will take her to the cafeteria and she can eat her lunch there. They have just left and although I have little Josh with me, I miss her already.  

          When they come home later, she will rest and then it’s time for her swimming lesson. Today, her daddy will be able to take her swimming. She loves going for her swimming lessons and she loves it even more when her daddy drives her there in his blue truck.

          I’m very grateful she and my husband share such a wonderful relationship. She adores him and he enjoys spending time with her. It just thrills my heart each time I see her face light up when it’s “daddy and me” time. What an excellent foundation for her own relationship with Abba, our Heavenly Father, when she grows older.

          May she realize how blessed she is to have a father like she does. And one day, may she realize how much her Heavenly Father loves her, yes, even much more than her earthy father. May her eyes shine with delight when she talks about her God.  May she anticpate with excitement the time she is going to spend alone with Him. May her love for God be vibrant and real, even as her love for her daddy is so vibrant and real now.

          This is my prayer for her today.

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“Do not have your concert first and tune your instruments afterward. Begin the day with God.”                                                                                

                                                                                                                 J.H. Taylor

How deceived we are when we imagine we can fulfill the day’s responsibilities with cheerfulness and peace without first meeting with God. Yet how tempting it is to do what seems urgent and forget what is important.

What constitutes ‘urgent’ to me include picking up the toys that are still strewn on the floor, reading the newspaper headlines, finishing the last crimp on my origami, washing another load of clothes, going on-line, unloading the dishwasher, sweeping the front porch, starting on dinner, scrubbing that persistent spot on the kitchen floor...and before I know it, my young children are awake. Oh, poor foolish woman that I am…

My family needs me to be cheerful and kind.  They need me to be patient and loving. Instead of ugly jangling, may my life produce sweet sonatas and rich concertos because I’ve learned to put the important before the urgent.  May I finally learn to tune my instruments of reading the Word and praying before the urgency of the day ahead beckons…then everyday will be a concert marked by gentle peace and loveliness.

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My daughter is trying to make a pom-pom bird. She has never made pom-poms before. Actually she wanted to make a huge pom-pom kitty cat, but that would take too long. Besides, I don’t have that much wool in the house and I don’t think a green and red kitty cat looks very appealing…

So she is now trying to make her first pom-pom. That will be for the wooly bird’s body.  It will be fun when she actually finishes the bird. And it will be for her daddy who is a keen birder.

“It’s good to finish what you have started.” That's my constant refrain to her.

But ah, I have so many incomplete projects myself. It’s hard to focus sometimes when my “must-do” list keeps growing longer and longer; when yet another idea charms me so.

I need to be still and know what is important and shut out things which aren’t.

Lord, please help me know from day to day

The good I should pursue;

And grant me wisdom to discern

The things I should not do.      - D. De Haan

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I like the word “shelter”. It suggests to me safety, belonging, security, warmth and freedom from fear. It conjures up an image of peace and contentment.  Say “shelter” and I think of a sturdy tree, a healthy tree with deep roots, and thick foliage. And I imagine being under the caring canopy of lush green leaves, protected from the drumming rain, the flashes of lightening and the drowning of threatening thunder. Say “shelter” and I think of a warm cozy room in a happily lit house in the thick of winter. In it, I see a mother in her cushioned rocking chair, cradling her baby in her arms, singing a soothing lullaby. The baby, drinking in his mother’s love, feels safe and loved. Protected.  Fearless.

As parents, we are eager to shelter our children. We don’t want them to get hurt or be in situations that will frighten them. We don’t want them to be anxious or to worry. We don’t want others to be mean to them. We want to hold them and to protect them from wolves and thieves and bad hats. We want to build them up, heal their wounds, stroke their hair, hug them and say everything is okay. They are our babies and we love them so much…

The past several months, we’ve been observing that our little girl has been rejected by someone she cares for. Not big people but small folks like herself, namely one of her cousins.  To an outsider, it may seem a small thing. But it is bigger than your husband’s boss snubbing him or your neighbor returning with a huff the delicious cake you baked for her birthday. Parents reading this will understand what I’m talking about…

My daughter LOVES her cousins.

She writes to them, makes them little gifts and thinks the world of them. When the older one (boy) started ignoring her, she was puzzled. She thought they shouldn’t behave in an unfriendly manner towards each other as they are cousins. And cousins are almost as close as brothers and sisters. And she loves her brother who loves her too. So it is only logical that her cousin should care for her almost as much as little Josh cares for her, right? That’s how she reasons.

At least his sister (several months younger than she is) was still her good friend. But in the last few weeks, she too has been giving my daughter the cold shoulder. And that is what really hurts…

Yesterday at church, she was nervous about staying for the fellowship lunch as she was afraid that her girl cousin, let’s call her S. would not want to speak to her. Sure enough, her greetings were not returned and S. didn’t play with her after lunch. In fact, S., her brother, and another girl excluded her in their game. She tried joining in, but no, they ran away. In the end, she just sat down and read the “Voice of the Martyrs” newsletters.  She was forlorn for a while, but fortunately, she was as happy as a butterfly after the rain when we reached home.

But this morning, before we went for our reunion, she confided that she was a bit worried. She wasn’t sure what she would do if S. didn’t want to play with her. Oh, how her struggles tugged my and her daddy’s heart.

I sat her down and we spoke some more. There was a little frown on her face. I held her little face and reminded her of Philippians 4:6.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

Then we prayed, and we asked God to bless S. and her brother and her family. She smiled and looked hopeful.

When we were at the reunion, S. once more didn’t respond to my daughter. My daughter looked so crushed it broke my heart. She barely ate the special hot-dog I made for her. She’s too young to have to go through this, I thought.

When my brother-in-law (my husband’s brother) said hi to me I asked him in a low voice about S.

Bless his heart, he loves my children and he shook his head and said he and his wife were puzzled why S. had been behaving that way. They had tried talking to her, but to no avail. I was so relieved my in-laws were aware of the situation.  I know they had tried talking to their son about his behavior towards my daughter too.  And being godly parents who loved the Word, I’m sure they prayed with them and showed them God’s Word even as they were correcting them. They have two wonderful older children they also home school so our families have many things in common.

“Did Christy do anything wrong, or say something wrong?” I enquired.

“No, no,” my brother-in-law replied. “We just don’t know why…” He looked a bit distressed and sad.

Well, eventually, S. did speak some to my daughter and they did play a bit, but things were not like before. Then it was time for us to go home. The sky was threatening to pour and we wanted to get home before that.

I know it broke my husband’s heart too to see our daughter in such a situation.  As we were driving home, I mentioned how much more difficult it must be for children who go to public or private schools. They have to contend with the fickleness of other children’s friendships much of the time. I’m glad that at least our daughter is spared from more potent doses of such treatment from ‘friends’.

So far, our daughter has been resilient. She bears no grudges and still thinks of special things she can do with her cousins when they like her again one day (which I truly believe will take place) She is just truly puzzled why now BOTH her cousins are unfriendly.

Their parents had mentioned a few times that the boy cousin was possibly “jealous” of Christy. He is quite competitive and that I can understand that. But S.?

At the end of the day, reasons don’t really matter, do they?  They don’t resolve anything.

But by mulling over this issue, I’ve come to some conclusions. They may not all apply to “friends” who are not family, but in our case, we are family and a good relationship between the children IS important to us.

1)      First make sure your child was not in the wrong.

Based on our observations, and that our in-laws, Christy didn’t do or say anything offensive. If she had been rude or unkind, we would have to address that. “A man that hath friends, must shew himself friendly…”(Proverbs 18:24)

2)      Children, like adults (!) respond emotionally and rather irrationally at times. Parents cannot force a child to feel a particular way towards some one else. Give the other child a break. He might be just going through a stage.

In our case, the two cousins are just being children. They probably don’t know why they are behaving the way they do. Talking to them alone will not MAKE them adore my daughter.  

3) It is unavoidable. As a child grows, he will find himself in some social situations that he has never encountered before. A shy child may be even more painfully shy when others try to include her in a conversation or game. A vivacious child may be puzzled and anxious when others exclude him, whether intentionally or not.  

It is painful that our daughter has to start with some of life’s realities at such a tender age. It helps to remember that it’s part of life. Unless we keep Christy away from every social situation, she will sooner or later meet someone who will not like her for who she is. In our case now, it’s her home-schooling cousins!

4) As parents, we need to continue to show unconditional love. The child knows that nothing will separate her from her parents’ love. Eventually, God’s unconditional love will also make sense to her.

This is the key to a child’s sense of security. Since painful social situations are inevitable, sooner or later, our child must have inner strength. Her world must also not depend on outside friendships. We see that she is resilient, and out of her cousins’ company, she is as happy as usual.

5) Speak to the parents if you have a relationship with them.

I’m glad we could be honest with my in-laws. Many relationships among adults have turned sour because of unresolved issues like one child not liking the other.

6) Be sure that you have a right attitude yourself. It is easy to “dislike” the child or be angry with his parents. After all, it’s your child who is hurt and you don’t want your child to be hurt!

If our attitude is not at peace with God, we will hurt ourselves eventually by becoming bitter and resentful. We have to ensure that it’s the child’s behavior we’re not in love with; not the child! Likewise we have to watch our attitude towards the parents. Of course it is easier for us as we already have sweet fellowship with the parents and we know their heart..

7). Go back to God’s Word

The Word of God is powerful and is life-changing. We will remind Christy that the Word of God addresses every kind of life-situation and point her to passages which are relevant to her. Proverbs is great.

8) Pray with your child about the situation.  God does answer prayers.

When we pray about everything, we become good role-models for our children. And one glad day, I know my daughter and her cousins will become the best of pals again. We will then be able to look back and praise God together for that.

9) With your child, pray for the person “ill-treating” him. You don’t want your child to become bitter or resentful towards the person.

I want Christy to always be loving and forgiving towards her cousins. When we keep on blessing and praying for those who hurt us, and we mean it sincerely, blessings will flow into our life. For one thing, there will be peace.

10) On your own, pray for the child and his parents.

In our case, I believe the two cousins know the Lord. One day, the Lord will convict them and they will come round to it. It will be part of their spiritual growth. We want to show our love for our in-laws by praying for them too as they train their children to do the right thing. Praying for others is always a blessing.

11) Pray for your child.

We pray that our daughter will not stop reaching out because she has been hurt. Many adults we know hark back to the times when they were hurt as children and how because they were rebuffed, they decided it’s safer to withdraw. In our case, we are not talking about friends whose friendship it is better not to cultivate. We treasure our relationship with our relatives and seek to have a strong one.

            12) Good opportunity to teach “The Golden Rule”

Now that she has experienced unfriendliness, we can help her to understand how much more pleasant it is to be friendly to others.   Every setback can be a learning opportunity.

So as much as we want to shelter our children, there still can be value in some painful experiences! I need to remember what I’ve just reflected the next time she comes to me with a sad look.

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