My husband just enlightened me that, although my brother never meets a stranger, he has no friends. My dad, though he's chatty with everyone and the neighbor's cow, has no friends. My mother, apart from her siblings and relatives, has no friends. (I should point out they have friends from decades ago, but not one current friend or recently developed relationship with anyone.)
So, it should not be a huge shocker that I, like my family members, have no friends other than college friends from 15+ years ago whom I speak with every other month or less. (Blog friends apparently don't count, no offense. And acquaintances from homeschool co-ops don't either as we do nothing apart from chatting while the kids take classes.)
How on earth did this come up, you may ask? His parents called to say they are going for a week to visit their friends in Missouri ---but that's not what sent me to devildom. They are actually taking my sister-in-law (and her daughter) to visit her son from a previous marriage, as my mother-in-law does annually as "their time" together.
I realize I shouldn't care what she does with my sil or neice, and should be happy for them getting to visit old chums. I made the mistake of telling my husband that I was hurt and angry that they are only finding the time to spend a long 4 day weekend with us in a couple months, yet are making this pilgrimage again.
It's not that I want them here for weeks. It's not that I don't want them to have friends or even spend time with my sil & kid. I simply don't want to know about it. Selfish? YES!
You see, I feel replaced. I'm a rather independent, strong personality. My sil has some HUGE life issues. When my husband's brother married her, I lost my mind, I guess. This shattered our seemingly perfect family dynamics. The baggage is unbelievable.
Now my mil, who has a need to be needed, no longer needed to provide ME with cooking tips, party ideas or shopping spree details, she had a far more needy daughter to "fix". Then they moved in with them for nearly a year. My mil poured herself into their child (her first grandchild to live in the same town) and nearly destroyed her own marriage as this child became like an idol to her and as she tried to teach them to parent. My in-laws nearly divorced this time a year ago, but are supposed to be working it out. (Which is a good thing as our children would no longer be able to see them should they claim to be believers and disregard God's Word.) My husband is on eggshells about this topic.
"So, what's your deal?" I can hear you saying... Grow up and be a meek and quiet spirit for your husband. I'm being selfish here, but NOPE.
It's the whole FRIEND thing. Not only do I seem incapable of making meaningful friendships occur in places we have lived in the past 15 years, I am now (AGAIN) rejected by my mil who will make her schedule fit my sil's schedule for their "annual time" (ignoring that they live less than a mile from each other), but can't find more than 4 days to spend time with our family. I've been dismissed. Replaced. Found unworthy to be considered a friend. A failure.
Yes, I know she may not intend it to be this way. And our kids are ecstatic that they're coming I know my husband doesn't get it. He keeps asking if I really want to be her friend or would enjoy a drive for 2 days with her.... This is not the point. It just seems to be in my face that I'm not a good candidate for female-to-female relationships.
I'm really trying hard here. We plan on staying in CO for a while (maybe forever), so I'm being ultra attentive in trying to be truly interested in others; not judge them if they don't homeschool; not judge their undisciplined kids and spiritually immature husband; make efforts to be interested in their ridiculously numerous, non-family extra-curricular activities; get involved in the church regardless of whether it is what I had prayed for in a family/body of believers...
I've been known to voice my opinions, but I'm doing a great job at smiling and nodding, smiling and asking questions, smiling and encouraging...etc. Trying to learn to be a friend - even if I have ZIPPO in common with folks, other than Christ. (I think it's going okay, but we've yet to have anyone include us in non-church planned outings other than where my husband invites us over to folks houses...LOL! One family did have us over, now that I think of it, but the husbands hit it off while I could think of NOTHING to discuss with the wife (they're in their 50's, we're 30's). We just sat there and smiled and nodded politely.)
I really need a Word from the Lord on this. I think I'm friendly. I talk to everyone and anyone - just call me and I'll chat for an hour with you, EASY! This acid in the wounds is just too much right now. I'm feeling like the hugest pity-party I've ever had looks like the Fourth of July compared to what I'm feeling tonight.
Why am I so hard on myself? Are my standards too high for myself? Others? Maybe I should blog about my convictions this week and see if anyone out there thinks I'm WAY too hard to get along with.
My eyes are burning again, and I should really try to check in with the husband to see if he's ready to settle the anger and get some sleep. Just after 1 a.m. Guess it's a new day.
Time to smile and nod.
Comments
Apr. 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by JenIG
I am sorry; i think we've all had days/months/years like the one you're having. And you are actually right about having friends. It is no easy thing. I have had stretches in my life where i was *very* alone. try as i might, i just did not have anyone that i was close to. i almost wanted to put an ad out in the paper saying: "willl SOMEBODY please befriend a young crazy lady?"
a word from the Lord? Love your husband, love your children -- i can honestly say (HONESTLY SAY) that when i was so lonely, i poured my life into spending time with my little kids, and i ended up (not knowing at the time) raising best friends for myself. Yep, just like growing flowers. At first they are more work than anything else, but soon they are so lovely and fragrant and useful. The payoff of "time well spent at the beginning" is incredble, and i am glad for my lonely years because i may not have become as close to them as we are now.
:) hang in there, my friend!
Apr. 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by StillHisGirl
I found you via your comment on EEEE's blog. Friendships can be such a beautiful or painful thing for girls.
I think I've found one thing that has set apart my most recent relationships that are the strongest friendships I've experienced. Transparency. We are transparent with one another- and even a bit from the beginning. Obviously you have to be careful and wise, but a bit of transparency at the beginning of a relationship goes a long way, I think. And of course the safety in knowing we'd never talk about each other. Sadly, I think that is rare in female friendships.
Perhaps your MIL doesn't even know you'd like to be included on things like she's doing with your SIL. People's intentions are usually good and often they are clueless as to how things can be interpreted. When I start having MY pity parties, the best thing I can do is start trying to invest in someone else who might need a friend, and try not to think about what I need or want. Strangely enough, I get fed and grow friendships in the meantime.
I am finding, too, that some people are natural initiators and good at inviting people over, and some aren't. My husband and I are good at it, so we have lots of things here at our house, and everyone always comes. Yet we rarely are invited to others'. But if you asked around, I think the general perception is that we have zillions of friends and are out doing things all the time!
If I have learned anything about women in the last few years, it is that EVERYONE longs for deep friendships and EVERYONE feels lonely and alone and like everyone else has great friends and they don't. It is almost laughable when we start talking about it and comparing notes. I pray you find peace, that you turn to the ONE who can fill the void, and that you find wonderful friends who you can pour into and be blessed by. I think Nicole Johnson's A Fresh Brewed Life talks alot about girlfriends; might be worth checking out.
Apr. 5, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mamaduso
I so get what you are saying I may have to email you so we can talk. I will say that part of why I quit blogging for the time being is that I poured myself too much into cyber world and people here than people in real life, so when I saw my friends start doing things with other people and me not being included I got jealous. It was not pretty. I need to learn again to be a friend in real life and not just online. Although I do believe I have a few great friendships made through blogging. There is something about emailinga nd opening up with someone you never met that allows true transparency to come out. I love what Jen said. I agree with here. However I did that too at the beginning of this year (fall) and that is also when I realized that some of my friends here moved on without me. I need to acept my calling as a wife and homeschool mom. Its hard. I really do understand everything you said, even that about mil, and no husbands don't tend to get that sort of thing.
Mine for instance doesn't understand why it hurts me when I receive a fraction of a gift at christmas than my husband at the inlaws house. It usually happens at birthdays too and usually they are not well though gifts, just soemthing to get it over with-sounds selfish I know but gifts is my love language and i put alot into gifts i buy for others. Still he doesn't get it. I am learning ot get over it. But it is hard.
Alos, it is frustrating about finding new people and yes we are an odd sort of christian and yes there are others around that are much like you- me for instance. But I always say- from experience that it takes a good year to become comfortable in a new town and feel like you have a few good friends. It takes time. I know it is frustrating and is making you sad, but it will get better. I understand again about hte church thing too. Just know youare not alone in your thoughts.
Love,
Susan
Apr. 8, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Janne
(((HUGS)))
I will be praying for you. I know it's little consolation, but I am very much the same. I don't have any friends to speak of either.
Wishing you a very happy Easter!
May. 2, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Esther
How are you guys doing Melanie? Been thinking about you. Give us an update when you can.
Take care,
May. 12, 2007 - helllllloooooooo
Posted by Heidistjohn
Melanie!
I think you rock :) And I miss chatting on the phone. Sounds like you may have met a friend, I heard from her the other day about First Class.
My advice? Ask God, don't over-think it (the friend thing) because that can lead to "trying too hard" like we used to do when we were in jr. high...
I miss you
Heidi
Nov. 15, 2007 - friends
Posted by momblog
I am really surprised that I "stumbled" upon your blog. I am going through many of the same struggles. but with different people. My parents, grandparents, and aunts do not have meaningful friendships either. However, friendships had been an important part of my life including Women's Retreats and scrapbooking weekends. Lately, I find myself alone and sometimes lonely. I feel like a failure in keeping friendships. I do have 6 children so to be honest I don't have a lot of time to invest in friendships as I would like. And yes, I have wondered if I should go on Zoloft!!!!
Nov. 17, 2007 - late comment to this post
Posted by smokeybutter
I see that this was posted last spring, and now its fall. I came to your blog through a friends list on another blog, and wow did this post really hit home with me. I'm a transplant in the area that I live, and in 16 years we've been in two different churches here, but I still cannot say that I have any real friends that are involved in my life....that's what I think a real friend is - involved in the lives of their friends. The ladies I know have totally different lifestyles than I do, so I feel so detached from them and feel that I cannot communicate to them what my life is like. I gave up praying for God to send me a friend a long time ago. I suppose at this time in my life God wants me to focus on my children and my husband - making them my best friends, so that is what I'm doing. Thanks for being transparent enough to post your thoughts and feelings on this subject. It looks like from some of the comments that we are not the only ones who have experienced this situation in our lives.
Blessings,
Missy