Nov. 15, 2006
Guest Blogging
Posted in Homeschooling the Only Child
I've been blogging elsewhere recently at the invitation of Donna Conner, author of Homeschooling Only One and owner of the HOO Message Board. She writes a weekly column for HSB's Front Porch, which appears on Fridays.
So, to check out my recent blog posts, take a look here. Or, read one of the posts as my "most recent entry" on this blog - dated November 15th.
I'm terribly grateful to Donna for asking me to stand-in for her for a couple of weeks. What fun!
Jun. 24, 2006
Mom: The Only Child's Playmate
Posted in Homeschooling the Only Child
I've been involved in multiple conversations of late, with various people, on the topic of being the only child's playmate. Synchronicity at work.
The general consensus is that it's difficult being the sole playmate for an only child. Not because you don't love your only, but quite frankly at certain ages their games are just not all that interesting for adults.
My daughter has what amounts to an addiction for My Little Ponies. I'll admit, they are pretty appealing little things and I've been suckered into buying more than one. (Ha! They are like potato chips, you can't have just one!)
But after about 20 minutes, I get somewhat tired of acting out little stories with the Ponies. I can last longer when we race them in their scooters (thanks to Grandma, we now have two scooters!)..., but the stories in the castle just seem to go on forever.
So did the Pony version of the Winter Olympics - winter must last six months in Ponyland is all I can figure!
Or, what I like even less, the Pony play starts before the day has barely begun. Some mornings, Kate is playing Ponies before she's even dressed! I don't function well before dressing and brushing my teeth; I do even better if I've had some breakfast.
If the homeschooling parent of an only child were always to give in to the request to "play," so much wouldn't get accomplished - like school, meals, general chores, or brushing your teeth.
But, aside from feeling guilty, what does one do?
I've mulled this over and come up with a few ideas. Some of this is what I do when asked by my daughter to play. Some of this is just based upon my experience of having been an only child and maybe trying to do things "just a bit" differently:
Most of us can do something for 15 or 20 minutes that we aren't interested in - people usually devote that much to a movie or television show before giving up on it. So, I look at a clock and tell my daughter I'll do this for 20 minutes, but then I have to get on with something else.
Of course, I do "fudge," usually in my daughter's favor. Maybe I actually get into the story, game, or whatever, and end up staying longer. That's OK, but I gave her a reasonable amount of time up front to do with her what she wanted.
An similar alternative to the time limit, suggested by another homeschooling mom of one, is to offer two choices *you* can enjoy at the moment. You'll play x or y, and those are the options.
This has a couple of benefits in that the choices are yours and you feel like doing them. It also eliminates the need for the child to make a decision about what to do. They usually gravitate to the same things, either out of habit or because it worked yesterday... Offering an option chosen by Mom may add some spark to their day by changing-up what they would normally do and moving them into a different interest or activity that you'll both enjoy. (Thanks, Dana!)
I am the "official Pony hairstylist." I don't get into the storytelling that much, though I love to listen. And I don't mind organizing their stuff, brushing their hair, or braiding. So, I sit on the sidelines and do this type of "maintenance" while Kate goes on about the other things that go on in Ponyland.
This works exceptionally well if the play session looks like it might take a while. We bring the toys to the kitchen, usually, and I supervise while I do whatever it is that needs doing. My work usually takes a bit longer than it would have to, but we're both satisfied. Kate knows I'm paying attention, I'm not down there on the floor for the whole event, and there's no guilt about "things undone."
Admittedly, this is a big fun part about children, right? You can be a kid again and play with their stuff. I adore Legos, ball drops, Zome Tools, and making doll clothes, among other things.
Also, because our "play" interests are so very different, I can help my daughter use skills and such that are a bit outside her normal choices. And, once we start, she usually gets into whatever we're doing because we're doing it together.
As I evaluate toys or games to bring into the house, I consider whether my husband or I would enjoy playing with it. If we wouldn't, then most likely we aren't going to want to play with her using it. Then, the game or toy becomes a source of disappointment, rather than fun.
Obviously, not everything works this way, but it certainly helps.
Somehow, I didn't consider board games or card games for my daughter for a long while because she couldn't read. I then discovered that there were so many card games that didn't require reading - Solitaire, Uno, and Old Maid to start with, plus other picture card games.
And then there's checkers and plenty of other board games besides "Chutes and Ladders" and "Candyland." Some favorites here are chess (Kate insisted on learning at about 5 1/2) and Mancala - which is a great game for practicing simple counting.
Jigsaw puzzles are great, too! Even the simple 24 piece puzzles can be a challenge if you have races with your child to see who can finish it first. Ravensburger makes great puzzles with intermediate numbers of pieces (35, 60, 150) to transition from easy puzzles to harder ones.
Don't forget Sodoku - there are children's versions with 2x2 squares rather than 3x3 that most children can learn. The "dots and boxes" game is another fun one to play with children.
Most of us aren't going out on the dance stage or soccer field with our children.  But, we can share an activity with them that can become part of our special time with them.
My daughter and I collect postage stamps. I've been collecting since I was about nine; Kate since she was around 4 1/2. She loves looking at the miniature pictures, finding the countries on a map, and evaluating whether a stamp is worth keeping or not.
While Kate sorts through my extra stamps and learns things -"Who was this guy, Mom?" - I can work on my own albums and share the enthusiasm with her.
This could easily be translated to other hobbies, though. Birding, music (small children often do well at outdoor concerts which are more informal), hiking, martial arts, baseball cards, pottery - the list seems endless. The trick is to find the way for them to join you in your "adult" hobby, but at their level.
For Kate, I just gave her a pile of stamps and told her to choose the ones she liked. Then, she sorted the "keep" pile into catgories (animals, birds, fish, etc.). Then, we put them in envelopes. She still isn't quite ready to deal with albums, hinges, perforation rules and such, but she's got "her" stamps and loves to look at them and sort through more as I can provide them to her.
I think that all too often parents of only children are worried about finding "other children" for their onlies to play with. So playdates, homeschool groups, and other activities start to crowd the schedule.
However, constantly shuttling a child from one activity to the next doesn't seem like the way to teach them to be self-reliant, independent, and able to make themselves content when there's no one else around.
It's important to remember that one of the primary reasons many of us homeschool is so that, as parents, we control the types of socialization that our children are exposed to. Thrusting them into a variety of group situations so they aren't "alone" may be counterproductive to that goal.
It's not always easy to find your "inner child" on demand. After being cooped up on a rainy day and then your spouse is late coming home from work, playing just might not be in the cards. And that's OK.
But, at other times, the invitation from your child to play may be a hidden invitation from God to slow down and enjoy the special single blessing you've been given. And that's way more than OK.
May. 31, 2006
Onlies in the Homeschool Group Setting
Posted in Homeschooling the Only Child
Something came to me today from the McGrath book that I'd entirely forgotten, until it played out this afternoon.
One thing McGrath mentioned was that "only children need time alone" and if that time doesn't come easily, they will make it.
Seems I should know this well enough, since I myself stay up until the wee hours of the morning on alternating nights, just to putz, read, stitch, or whatever. I've often found myself looking forward to an evening of grading papers (when that was part of the regimen), if only to be alone and not have to talk to anyone.
Therefore, I shouldn't have been surprised by the conversation in the car this afternoon, on our way home from a homeschool group event.
It was "Beach Day" held at our friends' house to celebrate the end of the school year. We were invited to the event to meet some of the folks from a homeschool group that is not our "regular" group. So, aside from our friends' two children, Kate didn't know anyone else there. And there were, maybe, 15 other children.
All went well, until a surprise thundershower started the water-balloon fight just a bit earlier than planned! Then we all scurried to pack-up and head out as everyone was drenched, not just those in bathing suits with water balloons in hand!
In the car on the way home, I asked Kate what she had liked the best about the event. Top on the list was the water balloon fight, seconded by the box turtle that our friends had found recently. No surprises.
Her least favorite part, however, was that she and her good friend "R" had not been "able to have a conversation!" There were just too many other children and activities around for that.
Despite my explanations before we went that this was a group event, including new people, at our friends' home, Kate still expected to be able to have one-on-one time with people she knows and cares about.
She had fun with the other children, certainly, played games with them, shared lunch, and worked on the treasure hunt team. But the one-to-one aspect wasn't there, which is what she's used to on a daily basis with myself, or on other play dates we arrange.
Additionally, when we got home, Kate needed her "alone time" too. She was quite pleased to listen to an audiobook while I took a shower and continued to play alone for some time after I returned to the living area. It seemed to be much needed time for her to process the day, the events, all the people and activity.
I think it's easy to fall into the trap that only children need to socialize in the same way as children with siblings. The dynamics of a group setting are different, radically different for the only child, from day-to-day events. Respect for the only's need for one-on-one time or, at the very least, alone time after the event, can go a long way, it seems, to making these occasions enjoyable and less stressful.
May. 28, 2006
Thoughts On the Only from an Only
Posted in Homeschooling the Only Child
Having an only child may seem like a rarity in the world of homeschooling. Newspapers and articles profiling homeschooling families seem to focus on large families, homeschooling teens down to twos. I don't have statistics for this statement, but families with multiple children do seem to be the homeschool *norm.*
However, there are families with only children that homeschool - possibly more than you think.
Recently on one of the discussion boards I frequent, someone posted an "Am I alone?" query about homeschooling only children. Amazingly, about 30 people responded to her, which was many more than I had expected.
One of primary issues one encounters is the old question about socialization.  Even people who are unfamiliar with homeschooling can look at a family of six or more and assume that socialization probably does occur in such a group.
But, once these same folks hear about homeschooling an only child, the lack of contact with same-age peers seems to border on abuse in their minds! Not only will this dear child not have a sibling - and often people want to know why this is the case - they then believe we are depriving her of the next best thing by not sending her to a brick and mortar school.
I won't go into a huge diatribe here on the whole socialization issue. My only advice is to develop a thick skin on this subject, read a few articles, develop an appropriate response, and move on.
In homeschooling an only child, whatever resources you can budget for homeschooling only has to cover one student. This can be a huge positive, because it may seem like you have "limitless" funds to use to teach one student.
There is a hidden downside to this, however. That comes when you find that the program, workbook, or whatever doesn't really fit your child as you'd anticipated. Then you are left with either making it fit, reselling it in a used curriculum sale, or giving it away, plus you'll have to replace it, if it's a core subject.
In the multiple child family, both the initial purchase and the second option can be passed down to the next child/ren in line - they might work for them and therefore more likely justifies their cost.
An expensive curriculum, divided by three children, seems less of a luxury then when the same amount is spent on one.
If you are compelled to justify this type of expense accounting to yourself, consider comparing the costs to the typical private school tuition. Suddenly, the extra $50 for a new math program because the first one didn't work seems pretty cheap for a customized educational experience!
And, as I've discovered, there are so many book, curriculum, and activity choices out there for homeschoolers that it's hard to not want to try them all. With just one child, that's simply not possible. (Actually, it's not possible with multiple children either, but the options do increase to some extent I should think!) Yet, I find that there's always the question of "how can we add this neat program, too, and not overwhelm our child?"
I recently re-read a book entitled My One and Only: The Special Experience of the Only Child by Ellie McGrath (1989). The author focuses specifically on the experiences of only children as found in various forms of research, interviews, and her own personal memories.
McGrath finds that the need for an only child to succeed, be the best, to "do it all" stems from their hyper-awareness of their position as the only offspring. This often far overshadows the potential of being spoiled.
I really identified with this portion of McGrath's findings. Growing up I had more lessons, toys, and parental time available *all* to myself than most of my friends.
But, while I was also the sole object of my parents' praise, the same went for criticism.
I was *very* aware that my being a girl meant my father didn't have a son and I tried hard to make up for that. Not that I had to - he was thrilled to have a daughter - but because it just didn't seem fair to him in my young mind.
I felt that I had to succeed at the piano, dance, violin, clarinet, and vocal lessons that were provided, because neither of my parents had had those luxuries provided to them when they grew up.
If there was anything about the book that struck me as entirely "on target," and yet came as a surprise, it was the observation that only children have a tendency toward naivety when it comes to dealing with others. Their earliest experiences are primarily with adults who tend to deal straight with them, thus they come to expect this same equality of behavior from everyone they encounter, even children.
Only children who are homeschooled are spared the playground/bus bully. But the potential to push them, or for them to push themselves as they get older, may be greater because they are the center of the educational process.
I don't know if this can be changed. Much like birth order in the case of multiple children, or genetic heritage, these issues just come with the territory at birth.
In our homeschool, however, I am making the effort not to "overcompensate" for the lack of siblings for our daughter by over-doing the outside activities. I've established the guideline of only two "lesson" or group activities at a time, preferably different types of activities at that.
We say "no" to outside social functions if our week has been terribly busy. We don't feel compelled to go to the library each and every week. And I don't allow myself to feel guilty about these things.
We're still relatively early in our homeschooling journey but, thus far, it's been a positive experience. Parenting an only child brings its own gifts and burdens and homeschooling only adds to both of those.
But researching, connecting with other parents homeschooling only children, and discussing these issues can dispel some of the myths and confirm your choices as you set about this special experience.
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