Oct. 10, 2008 - Making Doughnuts
Someone suggested that maybe the homemaking the Proverbs 31 woman does is spread throughout her lifetime and not all in one day. I am definitely in a different season than when I had little children.
Today I made doughnuts for the third time in about eight years. The first time I made them they didn’t turn out how I wanted them to. The second time I made them was the next day, to prove I could do it. I actually remember seeing Martha Stewart make them on TV -- she always seemed to make things right after we did, we used to joke that she had spies---that morning and my perfectionism said I had to try again. It was this time of the year—days were darkening, I had 3 small children, I also made homemade pizza that day, and had been sick and watched my friends 3 kids and drove them home and my husband was working 2 jobs and we still had no money. It wasn’t just that day. I had been trying for a long time—maybe always—to do more, to be more, to make everyone happy, to impress people, to impress myself, to not ask for help…. And making those doughnuts stands out in my mind as the straw that broke my back. I didn’t realize how much had piled up on me, how much I was carrying, how fearful I was. I called my mom that night. I just knew something was wrong. I didn’t know it would take more than a cup of tea and my mom reading Psalm 23 to me to make me feel better (although that was comforting at the moment!). I didn’t know how much help I would need. That I would suffer from panic attacks, nearly constant anxiousness and worry, irrational fears, deep depression, insomnia, and illness for two years before I saw light at the end of the tunnel. That I would cry every day, all day, not want to see my friends, barely eat, and avoid driving. That my faith would be my own and all I could hold on to. That God would send me just enough strength to get me through my days and eventually, I would find hope and help and start crawling toward wholeness again. I thought I would go back to who I was, but that part of me is better left behind. So, while I still like to do all those things I tried so hard at, I have learned to be more realistic, less “perfect” and enjoy things more. And recognize the seasons. Today, when I made doughnuts, it was fun and relaxed. It was all I was trying to do, and I did it with my eleven year old daughter and her two friends. We had fun, we made a mess, we probably won’t do it again any time soon. I watched them put on a play about the forest, fire and water, then I walked them over to their dance class. I walked back along the river and enjoyed the refreshing air and the quiet.
God, I ask for wisdom, the right things for this season, what I need Your strength to work hard at, what I need to let go of…
Comments
Oct. 10, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Rebeca
Thanks for sharing this... for all of us who try to do too much at times. I love you and am so glad to get to be your wista. You are brave and strong and I admire you so much. And I'm glad you've come through that dark time.
B
Oct. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by homeschoolingKatt
I am so glad you had the strength of God to lean on. There have been many times in my life that was all I was leaning on.
Vicki
