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So, it appears this horrid exploding of the heart and head I have been experiencing the last week is a normal course of events for many homeschoolers, often referred to as "January blahs" or more simply, whining and crying. Honestly, in reading my entry, I can see that some may have noted it as nothing more than a pity party but I can assure you that it was a very intense feeling of failure to, not only successfully teach my daughter effectively, but also to connect with my daughter as a mother. The intensity of my feelings surely sprang from the latter.
However, I must just give a simple update for those who have said a prayer for our family or who simply want to know how things have gone this week. Things have improved. Somehow I managed to learn more about myself through the rivers of tears and intense migraine that one night induced than in the first five months of homeschooling put together. I was incredibly blessed by my commenters and encouraged through this process of refinement. "Be still and know that I am God" has a new meaning thanks to Jeannie and it has been my source of strength. The irony of this statement is that this command from God's Word says be "still" and its meaning is actually be "weak". My strength came from the revelation that I need to be weak.
Thank you God for stripping me of my unhealthy need to always be the strong survivor. Thank you God for not making rest an option, but a requirement, in my Christian walk. I need not feel guilty for not being Supermom. Thank you for speaking to me clearly in my despair Lord. I asked you what you wanted from me and you answered so simply, "I want you to be gentle. I want you to be focused. I want you to be a mom." Lord those words broke me. I am too critical. I am trying to do too much at one time, all the time. I have been so used to being mom and dad for so many years that I don't even know how to simply be mom. You have answered my pleas by requesting the very desires of my soul.
Lord, I want to be gentle. I want the perfectionist in me to be shown for what it truly is...a never ending, never satisfying chasing of the wind. Lord, I know I will never achieve it here in this world. Thank you for revealing the need for me to welcome the learning process as a teacher and a mother. Lord, I want to be focused. It is so easy to try and be everything to everyone while realizing that the one that expects the most from me is actually myself. The truth is that you have equipped me for every good deed and, Lord, raising my children is a GOOD deed that I am so thankful for. I need to accept your truth and your sufficiency. A perfectionist expects failure because of unreachable standards, yet still strives for perfection in their own strength. Strip me of my strength Lord that it will be made perfect in my weakness. Thank you for calling me to be a mom. Thank you for telling me that is what you want of me. Your reassurance fills my heart with hope. Amen
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Posted by Kathie 
Posted by 
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• Jan. 30, 2006 - Wow..
Thank you again.
Love and blessings
Jules x