My Papa passed away yesterday morning.

   Thank you all so much for your prayers...you are really great friends for being able to encourage me by praying.

   I am sad, but also very very relieved, and happy that he's out of his suffering...that it's over now and there will be no more watching him suffer and struggle for the right words. 

  I'm also really happy because I know that while he was alive, he was proud of me, and we started really loving each other while he was still alive. I got to hear some good lectures on everything dating-related while he could still talk well, lol...Man, I heard that so many times. Even in his last days, he was trying his best to find the words to lecture me about dating the right guys.

   I was in the room when he died, I believe. I had stayed the night with Memaw, and I was sitting in the living room and heard a rattling type noise he was making, and thought it would be a good idea to go check on him. When I got by his bed (which they had in the dining room) his chest wasn't moving, his eyes were a tiny bit open, and he had a tear on his cheek...hopefully because he was seeing Heaven just a little bit before he actually died. I was scared when I first saw this, because I 'knew' he was dead, but I wasn't certain, if that makes any sense. 

  I asked Memaw when she came back into the room, "Is he breathing?" and she started shaking him to try to wake him up. She acted exasperated and almost irritated that she couldn't wake him up at first, but I knew we both knew he was gone. Suddenly she just broke down. It was very, very sad. 

  That's the thing I would have you guys pray for now. My family and I are pretty sad, but Memaw is heartbroken. I don't know to what degree she's expressing it, but she cries every once in awhile. She does laugh and stuff, but sometimes when it comes back to memories she had with Papa or someone talks about it, she'll start getting teary-eyed.

   For some reason I'm not too sad. All yesterday I guess I was in shock, and today it hit me a little harder that he's really gone, but I just can't be sad for him, because I know he's home now, for the first time, and he's having a better time than he ever had ANY time in his entire life on earth. He's meeting Jesus...he's with his parents again, he's with 2 of his brothers again, and my cousin Adrianne's baby Ashton. I can only imagine all the beautiful things he's seeing and feeling right now...I wonder if he can see us from where he is. 

  I haven't been reading my Bible or spending time with God much lately, but ever since Papa died, I've felt Him especially close...like He's staying with all of us to watch us...comfort us. Let us know He's there. Almost like He's babysitting, hehe...It's kind of like God came to get Papa and He decided to stay behind with us for a little while to ease our pain.

   People seem to think I've had a traumatic experience seeing someone die at my age, and I don't know...it's possible that it was, sort of, but I feel like it's pretty natural. I felt death heavy in the air the night before he 'went home', and it was sad, and strange in the sense that I was experiencing something I wasn't familiar with, but it was not dark, or sinister. It was natural. Death is just passing from one life into another. Some may pass more traumatically than others, and depending on whether or not you accepted Christ in this life, you may not be going to a better place, but it's still natural. 

  It's hard to express my feelings right now.  I'm eager for Heaven. Maybe even a tiny little bit jealous...Sad, but not for Papa...just for missing him, and seeing Memaw hurt. 

  I also feel a peace about the tear on Papa's cheek. I'd like to think it was a tear of joy on His face...He was passing into Heaven. I know He was. He loved God, even when he was so muddled he couldn't put a name to Him. He'd say, "You know, that...man..." and point up towards the ceiling. I love Papa, and I'm so happy that He's out of his suffering. He's able to chat anyone up now! He hasn't been able to do that for months...