I think since I've neglected this blog for so long, it's probably safe to be brutally honest. I'm up late. Can't sleep and don't have a journal handy.

I went to a ladies' meeting and just made a complete dork out of myself. Do you ever catch yourself talking too much and think, "Shut up!  Just. shut. up." but you can't seem to stem the tidal wave of words? Probably not. Happens to me more often than I'd like.

I went seeking an answer to a question I've been asking myself.  Toward the end of the meeting, someone made a statement that I questioned. 

Out loud.

I felt completely and needlessly jumped on for questioning that thought.  I did what I usually do when the pressure's on and I want to be liked: I backed down.

Funny thing is, I still don't understand. It still doesn't make sense to me.  I have Scriptures that say exactly what I tried to explain, but they didn't hear or allow for discussion.

Sigh. Won't be doing that again.

It hurts.  I just want to retreat and lick my wounds. I feel so raw. Not from tonight.  I feel like I've been on the frontlines for so long.  I'm sad to say that some of it is because of my darling boy.  I am worn out.  He is amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but I advocate and educate all. the. time.  And I will be doing it forever.  I read amazing articles about people with Down syndrome, followed by nasty, vile comments.  So many actually believe that it is irresponsible to carry a baby with Down syndrome to term.  And it wounds me a little every time I read it.  I want to retreat.  But this is my life now.  I am the mom of a child with special needs and I will be fighting for him and for kids like him until the day I die.

But, for now, I think I'll stay away from ladies' meetings.