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Most of you read this blog to read about life in Montana. So, I apologize that the last several entries have not been about life specifically in Montana...but they have been about my life. I am surviving day by day and today it was hour by hour. I am so heartsick. As I looked out across the blue sky stretching far above the white capped mountains I was keenly aware that no place that I have ever been has a sky quite like Montana. It is called Big Sky Country for a reason. Anyway, like I said I am heartsick. But I am also experiencing the craziest range of emotions. You know, it is all the goodness of God. I have these moments where my heart pounds quickly, the tears build, and my mind wanders. I want to call Chris' old bosses all sorts of names, I want to be angry, I want to sink into a pity party. But I never do. I mean the temptation is there...but to completely give in is not an option. I know that I have a choice and I choose to be joyful. Joyful in the things that matter the most. Family, friends, salvation, memories...the things that I can never loose and don't change. I have no idea what the future holds. We are exploring every opportunity. Contemplating every option. I am more of a Robert Frost The Road Less Taken kind of a girl so my contributions to the job search include suggestions of full time caretaker jobs in Alaska, camp ground hosting for various National Parks year round, and hitting the road like the Gornekees in RV. My level headed husband is searching for 9 to 5s on Main Street, USA. Every option is in the table. But seriously living like I have these last 18 months have changed me. I am weary of a life for my children where abundance and convience are staples. I don't want to live in a cul-de-sac, and I certainly cringe at the idea of returning to a town with a population of more than 7500 people. Maybe I can be a missionary in Bealize But reality reigns supreme and this isn't my choice. I will go where God calls and I truly want to be His instrument. I have been amazed to see how God has used us in Montana and even for His glory in this hardship. I recently heard from a friend that told me that her watching me go through this has turned her heart back to the Lord. What a blessing in times that feel a bit dark. On top of everything I have total trust in Him that made me. He made me into this women that loves nature, loves to wander, loves to be anywhere but in the mainstream pop culture, made me to love Montana. So, I know where ever He puts me it will be for my own good, for His glory. Even if I pout my lip a bit and drag my feet a tad. I must need to grow more, be stretched. I am needing our days to take on a more consistent, structured shape. It is starting to feel like an extended vacation around here. So, hopefully on Monday we will get tired of movies and lounging around and get back to the reality of chores, a bedtime, and bookwork. Well, I didn't mean to ramble on....but I did. Writing is a bit of an outlet for me and these last couple of posts have been more for me than anyone else. I do promise to return the posts of old that brag on Montana...as long as Montana is home. And after that a new blog will probably be in order. My Montana blog will need to be just that....about Montana. |
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