My Inner 16 Year Old

Maybe I'm the only one here, but don't you ever feel like you are secretly still 16?  Like maybe you forgot to pay attention while you grew up, and one day you were just 28.  That's how I feel.

I remember 16, okay maybe 18, had so much hope, so much life, so much raw emotion.  You could do or be anything that you wanted.  You can drive around with the music blaring, and no one would think it was odd...but it is odd for a mom of 3 (almost 4) to be seen rocking out in a minivan.  Know what I'm saying?

I don't want to be 16, because I felt like crap when I was 16.  But I do want that hope, that excitement, the living...I don't want to be old.  I don't want to feel trapped.  I don't want to wait until my kids are out of the house to start living.  I want to feel free and fun and spontaneous. 

I'm so tired of all the responsibility.  I'm going to put my whole self into my family, my home and for what?  The world is still gonna suck. My sons will still be exposed to porn by walking into the mall. My husband will still come home to an angry, frustrated, overwhelmed wife/mother/cook/maid/diaper changer...

I know that there's hope, I'm just having a hard time finding it right now.

12:05 AM - Jul. 22, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

Depression

I have dealt with bouts of  depression for about 15 years.  I've always just allowed it take me over, letting the emotions decide my fate for the day, week, even months.  This is such a worldy response, but I had never considered that God had a better way for me to handle the depression. 

Satan lies to us, especially to women, and tells us that are emotions are truth, and that we should give into them and act what they are telling us.  We see women doing this everywhere, in our families, on tv, and even in church.  But this is not God's way.  I am learning that when the depression comes, I cannot allow it to change my response to life.  I have the same responsibilities when I am depressed as I do when I am happy.  How self-indulgent to let everyone and everything suffer just because I don't feel good. 

Instead I have learned that I need to live in spite of the depression.  I may have many days where I don't feel good, but I can't change that and I can't lose the day due to a feeling.  The best way I've seen this described is in Terri Maxwell's article on her own depression.  Please read it if you deal with depression, it will change the way you look at God, at yourself, and at the depression.

Click here for the article.  Her husband has also written an article about his role in Terri's depression.  Read that here.

8:47 AM - Mar. 31, 2006 - comments {5} - post comment