Before I move on to another topic, I need to make sure that my last post is completely understood. I am not diminishing the struggle that women with eating disorders go through. I am not saying that its harder to be "fat and lose weight" than it is to deal with an eating disorder.
What I am concerned about is that I could go poll 10 normal-size women and all of them would say that they could lose some weight. This bothers me. The world is bombarding women with ideas of the perfect body image, and it is so ingrained in our thinking that we can't see when it turns into obsession spured on by vanity.
I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, that wasn't my intention. I was just hoping to put some things into perspective.
Everywhere I go I overhear women talking about weight loss. They obsess over how many times to chew their food, how many meals or mini-meals to eat a day, how many carbs/fat/proteins they've ingested, or how many steps they have to walk to lose four ounces.
The funny thing is that all the women I've overheard are ALREADY THIN!
As an extra-fat woman, I've experienced this thin-obsessed-phenomenon many times. If I happen to bring up weight loss in public, undoubtedly a thin woman will jump in and began to tell of her struggle to lose five pounds. She always ends with "It doesn't matter how much weight you have to lose, the struggle is still the same."
NO IT IS NOT! That's like someone with a sprained ankle telling someone with no legs that they understand what its like to crawl around on stumps.
Why are thin women everywhere obsessed with weight loss? Vanity. Straight up vanity. Thirty-somethings are trying to look eighteen, mothers are trying to look like teenagers, and everyone is trying to look like a magazine centerfold. Get over it already. How many of us are ever going to look like Jennifer Anniston? Only one - Jennifer Anniston. We need to thank the Lord for the wonderful way He made us, and stop trying to look like something we are not.
At Mount Hermon I listened as a woman in her mid-forties was complimented for being so petite. She immediately started complaining about her size and how she was growing out of her size 12 pants. She was visibly upset, and it broke my heart because she is believing a big lie. Satan has thin women everywhere believing that they have to be smaller, tighter, and more toned to be beautiful. Listen, if you can shop for clothes at a regular store, then you are not fat. Even if you can't shop at a regular store, I bet you are still beautiful!
I have come to the place in my life where I can totally and honestly praise the Lord for allowing me to experience "morbid obesity". With all of my heart I want to have victory over this sin issue of gluttony. However, I no longer care if I become a size two or ten or twenty. I can live the rest of my life the way I am, and be happy.
I just wish that thin women everywhere could be happy with themselves too.
So, I'm down another pound this week. I lost 7 lbs the first week, 1 lb the second, and another lb last week. I'm ashamed. I really need to kick it up a notch. Does Emeril have a weight loss program?
I recieved the Biggest Loser workout video for Christmas last year, so I'll be trying that. I'll keep walking, but I hope to add the BL workout as well.
So, I only lost 1 pound. At one point this week, I was down to 305.5. But I got a little lazy, I guess. I would love to be down to 300 next week, and I think I can do that, even though its Thanksgiving.
What I've learned so far, is that I need to be more aware of what is going in my mouth. I don't want to freak out and count every calorie and obsess with food, but I do need to discipline myself in what I'm eating.
Noahsmom asked about my plan for losing weight, so I thought I'd share it. The truth is that I have no plan. I've been doing the online Bible study "The Lord's Table" through www.settingcaptivesfree.com, and that has probably been my biggest aid. This Bible study does't endorse traditional diets, ones that focus on what we eat and label food as either "good" or "bad". It teaches that we must feast on the Lord in order to truly be satisfied. If our souls are empty, we'll try to fill our stomachs to feel "full". It teaches to be disciplined in our eating, but not on our own strength, on the Lord's strength.
All I've changed is that I'm reading God's word, listening for His voice in regards to food, and walking everyday (I missed one day). I have felt full for the first time in years. I actually feel physically full after eating, and the feeling lasts and lasts. Its a physical manifestation of what is happening in my spirit. The Lord even enabled me to stand in a gas station candy aisle, and have no desire for chocolate...HALLELUJAH!
On Monday I was having a pretty rough day. I'm writing a seperate post about it, but I thought I'd share what the Lord revealed to me that day. Psalm 78 talks about how God led the Israelites out of Egypt, and had shown them many signs and miracles. Read the following verses below, I know its long, but they are very important in understanding
17 Yet they still continued to sin against Him, To rebel against the Most High in the desert. 18 And in their heart they put God to the test By asking food according to their desire. 19 Then they spoke against God; They said, "Can God prepare a table in the wilderness? 20 "Behold, He struck the rock so that waters gushed out, And streams were overflowing; Can He give bread also? Will He provide meat for His people?" 21 Therefore the LORD heard and was full of wrath; And a fire was kindled against Jacob And anger also mounted against Israel, 22 Because they did not believe in God And did not trust in His salvation. 23 Yet He commanded the clouds above And opened the doors of heaven; 24 He rained down manna upon them to eat And gave them food from heaven. 25 Man did eat the bread of angels ; He sent them food in abundance. 26 He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens And by His power He directed the south wind. 27 When He rained meat upon them like the dust, Even winged fowl like the sand of the seas, 28 Then He let them fall in the midst of their camp, Round about their dwellings. 29 So they ate and were well filled, And their desire He gave to them. 30 Before they had satisfied their desire, While their food was in their mouths, 31 The anger of God rose against them And killed some of their stoutest ones, And subdued the choice men of Israel. 32 In spite of all this they still sinned And did not believe in His wonderful works. 33 So He brought their days to an end in futility And their years in sudden terror.
The Lord had provided for them salvatoin, yet, they were not satisfied. They asked for water. He gave them water, and they were not satisfied. They asked for bread. He gave them bread, and they were not satisfied. They asked for meat. He gave them meat, and WHILE THE FOOD WAS STILL IN THEIR MOUTHS, He killed the fattest ones. Why? So they would understand that eating according to their desires would never satisfy.Okay, so is God going to go around and kill all the fat people? I hope not, because America would be in serious trouble, but He does want us to realize that He is the only way to true satisfaction.
The Israelites weren't satisfied with the Lord himself, and believed that filling their stomachs would satisfy them. Many of us are guilty of the same thing. We fill our stomachs in order to fill our souls. It won't work. I've tried and tried. All I have to show for it is a broken body and a suffering spirit. I refuse to try and solve my weight issue by running to the world for answers on what I can and cannot eat. I know that my wieght isn't the problem, its the symptom. I pray that I continue to run to the Lord for satisfaction, and that He will continue to have mercy on me and guide me into a proper relationship with food.
Okay, I've promised for a week now that I'd post my weight loss stats. I wasn't able to weigh myself last week because our scale's battery died. I think that it saw me coming, and comitted suicide. I'm sure it was thinking "I can't handle all that, lady!" I'll give you a quick numeric history, so you understand where I'm coming from.
13 years old (199?) - 140 lbs, I thought I was I disgusting. We moved from Germany to the states and I packed on bunches of weight in the first year back (due to sneaking M&M's in the bathroom while I was skipping class.)
13-17 years old - 180 lbs. Looked like a boy, everyone thought I was a lesbi*n, though I didn't know this until my senior year. It hurt me badly to find that out.
18 years old - 150 lbs - lost 30+ lbs using Phen/Fen, the popular diet drug concoction that worked because it was like being on speed.
18 years old - 135 lbs - moved the week after high school graduation. We lived in the country and I had no friends, so I walked 6 miles a day and worked out in my bedroom. It took an awful lot of work to be that "skinny". My body naturally likes the 150 lbs range.
19 years old - 180 lbs - gained 30+ during the first three months of college. Got pregnant and depressed, gained 60 lbs during pregnancy.
20 years old - 235+ lbs - Lost baby weight and settled here for about a year.
22 years old - 250 - 280 lbs - Got married and gained weight, right along with hubby! Stayed at 280 for four years.
26 years old - 288 lbs - Got pregnant, gained 8 lbs during pregnancy.
27 years old - 297 lbs - Started next pregnancy at 297lbs, ended at 313 lbs.
28 years old - 300+ lbs - The year where I delivered two babies! Gained a bunch!
29 years old - 330 lbs - Settled here after fourth son was born. Went down to 323 lbs after first attempt at Setting Captives Free. Went down to 318 after second attempt at Setting Captives Free.
Current - 314 lbs. I consider that a loss of 4 lbs this week. Though I couldn't weigh myself at the beginning of the week, I had recently weighed and I was 318.
This week I'd like to continue seeking God's guidance on food. Its amazing how clearly he will talk to me about what I should put in my mouth, I just have to ask! I'd like to start some sort of exercise. I have a Leslie Sansone walk video. It must be for big fatties, like me, because its only 15 minutes long. It supposedly the same as walking one mile. I'd like to try doing that in the morning. I mean, if I can't walk for 15 minutes...then I'm in BIG trouble.
The first 50 lbs are going to be the hardest. They will also make the most difference in my attitude and my well-being. I think I could feel human again if I lost 50 lbs. If your praying, keep it up. I've dealt with my other BIGGIE strongholds. This is my last one. This one is the oldest one and the most complicated. My weight touches many aspects of my life and experience, so I know the enemy will be fighting against me.
I was considering starting a separate weight loss blog, but I think that I'll just post my weight loss stuff here. I mean, my life consists of being a wife, mom, homeschooler, losing weight, and a million other things, right? So, why should my blog only cover a few of those and not the total package?
I am approaching this weight loss journey with my eyes on God. My goal is not to look good, not to feel good, but to glorify God. I've started and quit the Bible study The Lord's Table @ www.settingcaptivesfree.com many times. It is hard to keep up with, but I do believe that it teaches truth. When the world talks about weight loss, they always discuss it in terms of health and attractiveness. Those reasons are WRONG reasons to lose weight. They are selfish reasons. Stay with me, I know this is hard to understand. I had to go through that teaching a few times before God really started working on my stubborn heart.
Our only reason to lose weight should be to glorify God. 1 Cor 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I believe this is one of the biggest reasons that God has not given me victory in this area. God didn't say "So, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it so your butt looks good. " He said "Do it for MY glory." I am a very vain person. My heart's desire is to be so attractive and young-looking that people would be amazed that I am a mother to four children. That is a selfish desire, and I don't believe God will honor it. I am beginning to see that my desire can only be to honor the Lord. I have to want please Him, and when I desire to please Him, my desire to overindulge my flesh will be disgusting to me.
Another way that I think we get confused in the area of dieting is by the idea that we should completely restrict certain foods. Look at these Col 2 verses:
20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21"Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
We are told by "experts" that if we cut out a particular "bad" food, we will be healthy and we will be thin. But the Bible is clear that the idea of "Do not taste! Do not touch! Do not handle!" is not how God wishes us to approach food. While there are foods that are more nutritious than others, and therefore more "profitable" (1 Cor 10:23), the crux of the problem isn't WHAT we are eating, but HOW much and WHY. The weight isn't the problem, its the symptom of the problem. The problem is that those of us who are fatties are overindulging our flesh. My husband and I have been on Atkins several times. Why do we keep doing this diet? Because we can eat as much as we want (of certain foods) and we'll lose weight. I understand the science behind it, and I'm not arguing the science. I do believe there are medical reasons why people must limit certains foods (sugar, carbs). But any "diet" or "weight loss program" that doesn't teach us to master our flesh, will only provide temporary results.
I am a morbidly obese person. I am the epitome of the Lord giving someone over to the "sinful desires of their hearts" (Rom 1:24). How many times have I rejected God and turned to worship his creation - food? How many times have I failed to seek His face during my sadness and despair, and instead, filled my heart and stomach with mindless overeating? Understanding that these sins are the foundation of my weight issue will set me free to follow the Lord and learn to please Him with my eating habits.
My goal this week is to listen to the Lord's prompting when I eat. I will try to pray whenever I put something in my mouth, and asking for His supreme direction. I will have to make myself like a little child "Daddy, can I eat this?" "What about this? Is it okay?". He has already proved faithful. We had Burger King for dinner and I ate a Whopper Jr. and four or five fries! That's it!!! I didn't eat the whole box of fries!! The Lord told me that I didn't need them, and He was right. I was full. I was satisfied. That is an awesome feeling.
I'll post my weight and measurements tomorrow. While my goal isn't to lose pounds or inches, but to fix my heart upon Jesus, the pounds and inches are an outward indicator of the Lord's work in me.
I'm an almost ordinary mom. I'm a bit quirky in my tendency toward conspiracy theory and activism. I shout at the tv, which drives my hubby crazy. I was once a single mom of one son and God redeemed me with an amazing husband who loved us both. Later, God took my barren womb and knit together three little men in two and half years, and then shocked the stuff out of us knitting together a little lady. This blog is totally random, following the trends that only occur in my mind. My biggest aim is to live my life more joyfully and more thoughtfully.
