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Nov. 22, 2007
When Your Husband Isn't On Board
I recently was posed the following question by a blog friend--a question that has come up many, many times, and and issue I went through myself:
When you made these gradual changes (referring to changing my home from a worldly home into a more godly home), was your husband behind you or in other words leading the way? I really feel that is important. It is as important as my own examples for the children. Can you speak to this, or have you already in another entry? I feel strongly that there are changes to make in our family, but I also don't want to be the one leading.
What a wise lady, one whose heart is sensitive to true submission to both God and her husband! She is already on the right track! But I will share my thoughts and comments from my experience, and maybe one thing will stand out for you and your situation (all husbands are different!). I believe there are several areas you can evaluate and "take action" as a godly wife and mother.
1. Keep your priorities in check. Is God your King? Do you live to please Him first and foremost? Are you motivated to examine everything you do and be aware of how it pleases your King? If you don't have this heart attitude, PRAY TO BE THIS WAY. The following two verses explain that EVERYTHING starts here. I think sometimes as Christians we hear these verses so much that we can be a little immune to them. But don't be! Jesus himself calls this verse "first and great." It is important. All else hangs on this. If your home needs to change, if your life needs to change, if your family needs to change, this is what is "first and great" in the life of a Christian. If you get this part, things will fall into place. If you skip this, you will struggle.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. Matthew 23:37-38
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things (the things you need) shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Matthew 6:33-34
Once your eyes are on God and God alone, this next part is easy. Wives are commanded to submit themselves to their husbands "as unto the Lord."
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Ephesians 5:22-23
Did you catch that? "AS UNTO THE LORD." If God is your King, then so should your husband be seen as king. And, it is your calling as your husband's helpmeet to make your husband look like a king and feel like a king--NO MATTER WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS SPIRITUALLY. The Bible makes no exceptions or loopholes in its commands to wives to submit to their husbands. You can rest confidently in God's principle of working through His chosen authorities, and husbands fall into this category. God chose the husband to be the head of the wife. God also commands wives to make their husbands their "king."
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
A "crown to her husband" is a wife who treats her husband as the king and makes him look like the king to all others who view their lives. "But she that maketh ashamed..." is the wife who complains to others about her husband, or who even has a complaining, irreverent spirit. That is as rottenness to his bones. Rotten bones... that is not a husband who is poised for spiritual growth. That is a spiritually crippled husband.--critically injured.
But even better is this: God promises to move the heart of kings. So once you truly are a crown to your husband and you have made him "king," God can then begin to work.
The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. Proverbs 21:1
What a great promise! Your husband, if he is the king (and you and only you have the power to make him one or not), his heart is in the hand of the Lord, and God will turn it whithersoever He will. And, you ask, what is God's will for the king of your family? A godly home raising a godly seed? You bet!
Just look at the example God made of Sarah for us! She is mentioned in the New Testament exactly for being a wife who made her husband king. She is called a "holy woman."
But let it be the hidden man of the heart (your beauty), and in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well and are not afraid with any amazement.
I Peter 3:4-6
This passage is referring to a time when Sarah's husband, Abraham, was not being very wise and even put her in jeopardy--referring to when Abraham took her to Egypt and told her to tell them she was his sister, upon which the Pharaoah took her and added her to his harem, intending to make her his wife. She was in great danger, if you can imagine! In the harem of a pagan court that worshipped all kinds of pagan gods and had no regard for God's standards of purity. But Sarah was a "holy woman," she put GOD FIRST, and that is why she made her husband the king, and trusted God to protect her and to deal with her husband's heart. And did God protect her?
And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife. And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way. Genesis 12:17-19
I can imagine Sarah DID NOT have a smug expression on her face as God dealt with her husband by giving him a chastising through the most powerful king on the earth at the time. I imagine Sarah remained meek and quiet, an adornment to her husband, and inwardly praised God for His goodness and His perfect ways. Yes, she was a holy woman!
Do you want God to move the heart of your husband? Make him the king. Do you want God to chastise your husband? Make him the king. As Sarah did, with your meek and quiet spirit, and with your 100% trust in your true King, the Almighty God of Abraham (and Sarah!), Isaac, and Jacob!
So, you ask, how do you make your husband the king? Well, how would you treat a real king, if you were that king's number one servant? Be on board and support him in his decisions, in his person, in his work, in any way you can. Bring him his slippers. The best meals. His home in perfect order. His every wish and desire and whim carried out and supported with joyful reverence. His children trained to honor, respect, and obey. His children trained to greet him with absolute delight each evening. His clothes cleaned, ironed, and organized. An adoring gaze.
"But!" You cry, "My husband wishes ungodly things!"
Look at Sarah.
I know a dear lady whose husband spends too much money while leaving her to figure out how to pay
the bills. Already, their income was not enough to cover their monthly debts--not including money for groceries, when he came home with a new loan on big new item in addition to their current debts. So based on the above, what should this lady do? She should view the new item as a blessing from her "king," and she should stand back, as Sarah did, with a meek and quiet spirit, and see the salvation of the Lord (including His provision for her family).
If you want God to work in your husband, you have to make your husband the king.
I will simply tell you that I did it. And it worked for me. When I started on this "journey" of wanting to be a godly wife and mother, I didn't even think my husband was saved. He definitely was no leader (I had destroyed that in the first place). He definitely wasn't godly. Our home definitely wasn't godly. But over time, as I put God first, and then my husband next, and prayed to be a crown to my husband, my husband pulled along side me--and then ahead of me as our family's spiritual leader and my spiritual head. God moved him. I hope I gave you enough scripture above. It is God's way, and GOD'S WAY WORKS (touche).
2. Examine yourself.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's (husband's!) eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother (husband), Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Oh, I've been there. Sitting in every sermon, beside my husband, thinking not of what was in that sermon for me, but what was in it for my husband. I wanted to elbow him in the side, thinking, "Did you hear that? Did you hear that?" My eyes were not on me and the beam in my eye. They were on the splinter in my husband's eye. (I just realized I don't do this at all any more--it hasn't even crossed my mind. It's is another example of God's amazing work and how He has changed me! Praise Him!)
What is your spiritual condition? Are you submitted wholly before God as a living sacrifice, willing to be burned a purified by Him? Are you willing to focus only on the beams in your own eyes?
What is your fruit? Do you have love (how is your kindness and compassion?), joy (what is the expression on your face, the attitude of your heart, and the atmosphere of your home?), peace (do you have stress, anxiety?), patience, goodness, faith, meekness (how is your anger doing? How about forgiveness? Bitterness?), self-control (how is your spending? Your time management, your eating? Your orderliness?) How's your "selfishness" factor--are you always looking to be loved, cared for, have your needs met, or get what's fair? Do you make husband give the kids a bath because you're too tired--or do you joyfully give your husband a kiss on the neck, a quick rub on the shoulders, and joyfully get the children ready for bed yourself so that your husband can relax in a quiet home. Hmmm... Things to think about! If you are putting you first in any way, worried about what is fair or just, then you definitely don't view your husband as king.
How's your contentment? Are you truly grateful and content for ALL--I mean--ALL God has given you? Your current home, your current income, your current cars, your hot water, your clothing--all your provision that you have at the hand of God If not, your husband will pick up on this in your spirit. If you are not content, pray to be content. Discontentment of any kind definitely means your husband is not king.
I had a chance to not be selfish and to treat my husband as king as I typed this post. Although I awoke early with the intention of getting this post typed, my husband woke up before I was done. I instantly stopped typing, jumped up, gave him a hug and some smooches. I asked how he was feeling. I offered to make him tea (sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no). Today, he said yes. So I made him tea. Then the baby woke up. I got the baby, made the baby tea and fixed him some cereal. I made sure husband's needs were met and his morning environment was peaceful to start his day. Now, I am back typing this post. And if I need to get up again, for the sake of the peace of my king, I will do so.
How are your motives? Your motives and how they set the tone of your home, and to learn how even your wrong motives give you a "controlling" or "complaining" spirit that definitely keeps your husband from being the king. Your motives will reveal to you if God is truly first in your life. Your husband can't be king unless God is your King. (I will post the "Motive Checklist" next...)
How is your "readiness?" Have you cleaned spiritual house? If your husband stepped up and said, "No more TV," would you be ready? If he said, "No more eating out at fast food restaurants," could you do it? (I had to do that one--OUCH! Taco Bell was gone overnight! But it has been well over two years now and I have adjusted quite well) What about your books? Your movies? Your internet time? Your bad habits? Your comforts? Your weaknesses? Could you give up anger? Could you give up impatience? Could you give up your fiction novels? Could you give up your TV? Would you willingly give up your internet and trust your husband as "Lord?" (Think of Sarah!) Is your heart truly, spiritually ready to have your husband's leadership?
How's your mouth? Are you quiet? Do you guard your words? Do you speak out of turn? Do you talk too much? Do say angry words? Selfish words? Contentious words? Whining words? Arguing or disputing words? Read through Proverbs to learn VERY quickly about the importance of a woman and her choice of words, and how it affects the strength and peace of her home. Here are three of them that should convince you that this issue is key for the peace and spiritual condition of your home and family:
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
Do you get the point? Are you someone who just has to speak your mind--especially when you think your husband is wrong? When you think something is not right or fair? When you're stewing about something that happened (how he spoke to the children, what he bought, why he's outside working in the garage instead of inside with you, why he's watching TV AGAIN... ) Do you find it hard not to speak your mind?
Learn to shut your mouth. Speak your mind to God. One of my favorite verses as God was teaching me this lesson (you're going to love this....)
The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14
Sometimes it seemed to me that my husband was that Egyptian army, wanting to oppress me! Sometimes, as my husband was actually changing and trying to lead our family, I felt the pinch--I had never let him before. It was hard to let go. I wanted to go back to Egypt, sometimes. Back to my comfort zones. If you feel this happening, remember Israel, and pray for God's grace as you let Him transform your mind.
But if God is your King (like He was for Israel), HOLD YOUR PEACE. God will show himself strong on your behalf if your heart is perfect towards Him. Go back and see number 1 in this post. You must start there. God must be your king. Then you can confidently hold your peace! Hold it, I tell you. Hold it.
There are several times that I felt I was facing "BIG" things in our marriage and in our home. Things I was desperate to change for the sake of the spiritual well being of our family. I mentioned them to my husband once, twice... then I made a VOW to the Lord to never mention these things again. To hold my peace.
One example was when I wanted more children. God had revealed to me his plan for having children, and showed me my calling and purpose to raise up a godly seed. I was so burdened and convicted. But, my husband had had a vasectomy. I asked him if he thought he should get a reversal, explaining to him what I thought God's word said (WRONG! It was making me the spiritual lead!). He said, 'No." I pressed further, and to keep the peace, he said, "I don't think so." I was freaking out. But then God pressed this upon me, and I promised God I would not mention it to my husband again. Not even once. And I didn't.
Several months later, my husband was driving on a cross country trip through Kansas by himself, saw a vasectomy reversal billboard (WHAT? It's true!) for a doctor in Florida. He wrote down the number. He scheduled it. I didn't say a word.
Sometimes I had to leave the room quickly--you see, my husband is no longer king if he even senses frustration or discontentment.
Now--I'm not a Stepford Wife. I'm human. It is okay to be frustrated, angry, sad. It is not okay to sin because of it. I leave the room, and then give my hurts to the Lord. He takes them. Why is this wise? Because when we are hurting or angry, we are in "selfish" mode and it is very difficult to see the whole picture--too see both sides of the story--and to judge ourselves correctly.
For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. Herein thou hast done foolishly: therefore from henceforth thou shalt have wars. 2 Chronicles 16:9
Is your heart perfect toward Him? Or have you done foolishly? That could be why you have "wars." You don't want wars in your home. A house divided cannot stand. And especially when you don't control your tongue--or even the expression on your face, you divide your home, because your children instantly pick up on the dissension and disagreement. And no man can serve two masters--including your children. (Matthew 6:24). Keep your peace. Make God your king, and make your husband the king of your home--even in the eyes of your children, and your home will stand.
And since we are speaking about your personal growth, I want to explain a little about how this works and why it is God's command to work on yourself first. Let's say you have a habit of always getting irritated when your husband calls home to say he is going to be a little late. So irritated, in fact, that you instantly get short with him on the phone and then hang up without saying goodbye so that he knows your displeasure. Let's say this happens often. And each time, husband gets defensive, hurt, and irritated and comes home stressed knowing he's coming home to a displeased wife. (I won't reveal who used to do this, but let's just say I know her intimately :-). So, instead of focusing on the husband's fault of not coming home on time (What? Doesn't he realize I've worked to get dinner on just for him? Doesn't he want to be with us? Doesn't he love me?), if the wife focuses on her own "beams," (such as supporting the husband's work, being forgiving, joyful), THE PATTERN CHANGES. If the husband calls home and the wife, all of a sudden, takes his call lovingly and joyfully, and cheerfully agrees to whatever time he says he will be home, offers her sympathy and understanding for why he is late, offers to keep dinner waiting or warm, and lovingly says goodbye, the husband has no choice but to change how he responds to the wife.
You change yourself, your husband has to change how he responds to you! When you uproot your personal sinful cycles, your husband has no choice but to react differently. (Psychology a la God's Word)
3. Work in your jurisdictions.
Most wives in America have areas where their husbands expect them to make some decisions, and they have the freedom to make choices in some areas. Where do you have jurisdiction (as in, areas you can make the decisions and be in charge without stepping on your husband's toes)? Here are some ideas:
What about the things you own? Have you set a meek and quiet example by purging your own personal possessions or cleaning out your "areas" to make them more of a testimony? Your books, your movies, your CDs, your "junk," your hobby room (do you have too much stuff that you will NEVER get to?), your kitchen (how many coffee mugs does your family really NEED?), your clothing, your shoes, your kitchen food stock... In addition, I cleaned out my sewing room. I closed my eyes and got rid of hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of fabric, yarn, and craft supplies. I kept one tub of a few favorite projects, and made a vow not to buy any new materials until the current projects were completely finished, and then only purchase one project at at time. I was being a testimony, instead of a bad example of someone who had a bunch of unfinished projects lying around (hmmm.. took the beam out of my own eye a little bit). I cleaned out and organized the kitchen cupboards and pantry. My spice cupboard has been alphabetized for four years! I changed the children's appetites for the things they wanted to watch on TV, or read, or play with. I taught them skills and hobbies and crafts that were useful and productive, so it pleased my husband when he saw the children weren't interested in "these movies anymore," we decided to get rid of them. I also made the rule of no TV when the children were home with me. I told the children that daddy is the only one allowed to touch the TV. I turned it off during the day. It was in my jurisdiction. Just some examples...
What about your time? Your time is your jurisdiction. If your husband works during the day, do you turn the TV on? Do you spend too much time on the phone, the internet, shopping? Does your husband trust in how you spend your time? Is it a testimony to him? Does it challenge him?
What about your homeschool? Are you a homeschooling mom? If not, what about your child training and discipline? Does your husband leave the bulk of the child care to you? If so, how are you doing? Are you training your children in the things of the Lord? Are you feeding their appetites correctly during the day? Are you training them that Daddy is #1? Are you training them to love him, revere him, respect him? Are you setting an example by the fruit of your spirit?
What about finances? Does your husband expect you to pay the bills? Either way, how's your spending (yes, YOUR spending)--does it honor your husband? Can he "safely trust in you" with how you spend the money? (Proverbs 31:11)
Read the story of Abigail, if you would like inspiration. She was a woman who knew how to work within her jurisdictions, but still make her husband--a man that God depicted in the Bible as one of the greatest fools--be her king. (I Samuel 25) Read how God dealt with her husband!
5. Learn to make wise and appropriate appeals, with a meek and quiet spirit (read the book of Esther, and the story of Daniel in Daniel chapter 1--who made a wise and respectful appeal when asked to do something that was not God's best).
Is there gentle and meek way to make your request known?
6. How is your "conversation?" In other words, your behavior? How is your mouth? Do you speak your mind, or are you quiet?
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation (behavior and manner) of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear (submission!) I Peter 3:1
I am typing this post because many of you are concerned that your husbands "obey not the word." Yet you want to "obey the word," and you want your whole family to "obey the word." This verse is key, and addresses your very issue. It is your conversation, your behavior, your spirit of "fear." That means--back to making your husband king! Your fruit! Your words. Your spirit! Your contentment. Your joy. Your forgiveness, love, and meekness.
7. Make yourself less.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I remember at one point praying to become "less" so that my husband could be more. If you write a blog, you are probably a pretty powerful personality. You have a message. You have a mission. You are a "doer." You are a superwoman. I prayed for God to make me the weaker vessel. To make me less. Some ways I did this:
I stopped studying my Bible openly in front of my husband.
I stopped attending a women's Bible study when my husband was not attending any extra Bible studies himself.
I stopped teaching children's classes at church if my husband was not teaching with me.
I stopped speaking out in church. I stopped participating in discussions, giving opinions, and even stopped giving testimonies unless I had my husband's permission.
I kept my encouragement and counsel with other women private and discrete.
I trained the children quietly during the day, not under their father's nose, to not only love God, but to respect and honor their father.
I stopped giving my husband my theological opinions. This was a tough one! I love God's Word! God has shown me so many incredible things!
I began asking my husband my spiritual questions, and not even giving "my side of the story."
In my case, my husband seemed freaked out by my "spirituality." Jesus got a hold of me and changed me so radically--and I wanted to preach it to the world. Back then, I wanted to be the next Joyce Meyer! (don't laugh--I didn't know any better and was just so excited!). I was talking all the time about what God was showing me--telling my husband, because he was my closest friend. I didn't realize it could have been intimidating him.
But God convicted me of my "conversation." If my husband was going to be my leader, I needed to be less. I prayed to be less. I shut up, I deferred. I kept my opinions to myself. I began asking my spiritual questions to him, asking his advice. And taking it graciously. He slowly became no longer intimidated. I became weaker. I allowed myself to have need of him and his spiritual leadership. Now, he preaches sermons to me! Lots of them! I learn more from my husband's personal exposition of God's word to me as his wife than from our Pastor at church! (What a testimony! All glory and praise be to God!) And now, most of my spiritual guidance and learning comes from my husband. The transformation is miraculous. It is nothing but a testimony of how God works!
8. Don't use your submission as a bargaining chip.
The lady who asked the above question wanted to make changes in her home, but being very wise, she did not want to "lead." I have met women who "force" their husband's leadership by refusing to make decisions or being almost challenging in a way. For example, "We will not do anything unless YOU decide... ." After, of course, the husband has already made it clear he does not care or has no opinion. Also, when it comes to throwing away things or choosing how to spend time--you must defer to husband if the things in question are not in your "jurisdiction." Be discerning! Make yourself "less," and God will make your husband "more."
And last, but not least,
9. PRAY
I PRAYED.
I PRAYED.
I prayed, every chance it crossed my mind, sometimes 30 or more times a day, for God to bless my husband. To bless him as the spiritual leader of our family.
And I prayed and begged God in any area I was lacking in the things I wrote about above. Those things are God's will (that is why I tried to include so many scriptures), and if you ask something that is God's will,
HE WILL DO IT.
Pray for Him to do the work in you that needs to be done. If you really want it, pray for it. And then pray for the grace to accept the change. It is harder than you think sometimes, to give up not only ourselves, but our husbands, too! I remember freaking out a little bit when my husband began changing and was no longer the same man that I had married--the one I had control over, and could predict! Are you ready for the change! Pray for God to make you ready in all ways!
God answered my prayers. I know He will answer yours, if you pray accordingly. And, dear readers, if you are reading this post, you are in my fervent prayers as well.
And now my time is up and I'm going to leave it at this for now.
Once again, I am not going to edit this post for length. I deliberately make my posts long sometimes. I am going to type from my heart, and include relevant scriptures in full--with the prayer that God can use this to help or encourage someone in some small way. I believe that if God is drawing you to this post and you were able to read it and "drink it up" in its entirety without it being tedious, then maybe, just maybe, there is something in here for you. That is my prayer. That God's work will be done and that He will get all the glory. HIS WAYS WORK.
Look unto Abraham your father, and unto Sarah that bare you: for I called him alone,k and blessed him, and increased him. For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody. Isaiah 2-3
Two great resources are the following sermons by Dr. S.M. Davis:
How a Wife Can Use Reverence to Build or Save Her Marriage
The 7-Fold Power of a Wife's Submission
Both of the above sermons are available on DVD through the www.solvefamilyproblems.com website.
God bless you,
Mrs. E |
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Nov. 22, 2007 - Untitled Comment
blessings
Denise
also /HeartnSoul