From Mental Illness to Perfect Peace: My Testimony

Here is a glimpse of my life around age 30: I was very mentally ill. I had battled severe depression since my early teen years. I could go for nights without sleeping. I could have days where I couldn’t even move and lay catatonic on my bed. Every area of my life felt out of control. My home was a wreck. My career was hanging by a thread. I was becoming more and more psychotic and detached from my own mind, thinking each moment may be my last sane moment.

I was sure there was no hope for my failing marriage. As a last ditch effort, my husband and I paid about $400 a month to a highly-respected marriage counselor. In order to make sure I got my money’s worth, I drank straight gin on the way to the counseling sessions so that I would let down my guard and be honest about my problems (I was so mentally ill, I hid a lot of who the real me really was—my husband didn’t even know all I struggled with). We went to this counselor for several months. Things only got worse.

I was hoping to die, because I saw no hope of recovery from the mental torture I faced each day. I was full of continual rage, the effect of living for years and years with the constant tension, anxiety, stress, and fear of trying to mask my mental anguish and appear “normal” to everyone I knew.  Because the doctors told me it wasn’t my fault—it was a disease that altered my chemical balances--I decided to sample every mood-altering medication available, turn into some sort of unfeeling robot, and live out my days as a shell of a human being. I sought out the best psychiatrist in the area, and out of desperation sat stony-faced on a couch in her office as I told her exactly what I dealt with each day. She confirmed everything I already knew, that I was severely bipolar and borderline psychotic, and started my drug trials. I was sure I was about to lose it all—my marriage, my children, my career. But even worse, I was ready to give it up because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was also very physically ill. I had severe migraine headaches. I had tried ten or more specific prescriptions to combat the headaches, but none of them worked. I began to have vision problems. I was seeing double, I couldn’t focus my eyes, and I was so light sensitive that I was wearing sunglasses and a ball cap all the time, and even then I still held my hand over my eyes most of the time. I developed chest pains and had heart palpitations that felt like my heart was vibrating out of my chest. I developed a numb spot on my back from which radiated constant shooting pains in my shoulders. My hands began to falter and I began to drop things all the time—especially when cooking. This only added to my stress, anger, and frustration. However, all these physical problems provided a nice diversion from my mental problems, so I began seeing a series of physicians and specialists. After a string of doctors and a battery of tests, the conclusion was that I had Multiple Sclerosis. I began drugs that might put the MS into remission. I started physical therapy for my body and for my eyes. Nothing was helping.

So, being married only 3 years, with two young children, I knew it was over for me. I could keep the charade no more. I could find no solution. 

I gave up. I completely gave up. I had spent thousands of dollars on books, doctors, medicines, and therapies. I had asked everything of everyone I could ask. I sought out every answer I could find, but none of them seemed to work I had begged the Lord for years to show me how to function the way He designed a human being to function—how to be normal. I had found no answer.

I remember sitting at my computer and staring at it numbly, unable to work. I was trying to sort out what my life would be like now that I was going to be mentally ill and disabled the rest of my life. I may have been pondering that it was good that I might not live much past the age of 40. It felt like a relief. Suddenly, I found myself praying a new prayer.

 “Lord, I really think there is no further reason for me to be on this earth. I can’t even be a help to my children. I wish you would take me now.” There was silence. So I started babbling.

 “Lord, my life is over. My marriage is over. I’m a failure as a mother. I have found nothing that will heal my mind or my body. All hope is gone for me. If you choose to leave me on this earth, my only hope is that you can use my illness as a testimony to help others. I can’t do it. If you have a plan for me—if you have a plan for my life, then you’re going to have to do it. Not me. I can’t. It’s going to have to be you. I have exhausted every resource I could find on this earth and there is nothing I can do. It’s going to have to be you. I give up.

And the Lord spoke to me at that moment.

He said one word to me.

He said, “Duh!”

That struck me very deeply—because it’s the last thing I expected to hear coming out of Heaven. I sat there and pondered it a moment, and then I realized I had no better option than to go with what God said. So I replied to the Lord, “Fine, then. I quit. You do it. I’ll let you do it. It’s going to have to be you.”

The Lord replied, “Well, it’s about time!”

Since I had given myself up and given everything over to the Lord, I found myself in the middle of my home with nothing to do. I slowly began puttering around the house. I puttered my way through this little chore and that, a load of laundry here, dusting something there. And each time any thought of despair crept into my mind, I said, “Lord, you’re handling this. Not me. I give up, remember?”

My husband came home. I immediately felt the tension and all the frustration that surrounded our relationship, but I prayed, “Lord, I give up! You’re going to have to save this marriage because I can’t.” I shrugged off my worry, refused to deal with it (praying each time it crept into my head), and I felt calm.

I found myself praying almost constantly. You see, I am stubborn. If I say I’m quitting, then I quit. So every time my troubles reared their ugly head (many, many times a day) and threatened to do me in, I yelled, “Lord, remember, this is your problem now! Not mine! I quit!” I faced my tasks, whether household or career, one simple thing at a time, and refused to think of the whole overwhelming load.  I prayed constantly.

Because I was praying all the time, my prayers got longer and my focus changed. I had given everything to God, and now I wanted to know what He was going to do.  I wanted to know more about Him.  I now had a burning passion to find God’s truth—with all purity and no opinions.  God and just God—not someone’s version of who He was. I felt I wanted to go to church, but I didn’t know how to choose one. Which church was right? Which doctrine? I begged and begged, “Lord, just show me the truth!” As I was driving one day, and habitually praying and begging for truth, the Lord answered me. He said, “It’s the Bible. All you need is the Bible.”

I went home, pulled out my Bible and began reading it and comparing it to several other religious books I had. On the third day of this, I saw for myself how the Bible was the only thing that was able to hold together and make sense. I threw others away and I said, “Lord! You’re right! It is the Bible! That’s all I need!” I know He rolled His eyes at me.  It had dawned on me like the dawning of the world that if God had a book, then it would be a perfect book. It would need no help. He would not need two books. He would need no other opinions or aspects or option.  My trust in the Bible became wholehearted and sure.  It made sense!

I began my search for a Bible believing church. I found my church almost instantly. I started attending every Sunday, hungry for truth from the Bible. I felt like I was praying every minute of every day now, “Lord, where do I start? What do I do next? What do you want from me? Show me! Help me! It’s going to have to be you! I give up.” It seemed every sermon had something in it just for me.

About two months after “giving myself up,” I was walking through my kitchen, and a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally had to sit down right there on the floor. It had been nearly eight weeks since I had given everything up to the Lord, and I realized in that eight weeks I had not felt depressed. I had not been manic. I had not felt suicidal. I had not felt absolute despair. I didn’t remember being overwhelmed with worry for my marriage or my career or my children. I had not thought twice about my physical difficulties even though I still had them.

I felt normal.

I was dumbfounded. I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what I had discovered. My mouth was hanging open in disbelief. I sat there and let it all sink in.

What is the opposite of mental illness?

Perfect peace.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee. Isaiah 26:3.

My mind had been stayed on the Lord for 8 weeks. And I had experienced eight weeks of peace.

I had asked for truth, and I was finding it. I had asked for healing God’s way, and I was getting it. And although I had offered my life to Jesus as a very little girl, I realized I had never really let Him have me. I had never learned how to follow Him.  Now I was learning. I said right then and there, “Lord, whatever you want me to do from this moment on, I am yours. Please let my mind be stayed on Thee every moment for the rest of my life. I know You are the answer.”

He responded to me with the scripture, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [all the things you need] shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33 [KJV].

I had heard that verse since I was a little girl. Why was I just now getting what it meant? For eight weeks I had been seeking God first, and for the first time in my life, I had peace.

It is now about 8 years later. God’s truth has renewed my mind, my marriage, my children, and my home. I am completely free from mental illness. I have no migraines or other physical symptoms.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I seek the Lord’s ways—not my ways—in all I do, in all that I am.  The answer is in the Bible! God’s only book!  If I’m depressed, if my marriage is having a difficult time, if my children are going through a tough phase, if I’m anxious, if I’m sick, if anything--the Bible tells me why and what to do about it.  I have implemented the Lord’s ways, not my ways or the world’s ways, into all that I do, and the healing is complete. The peace is perfect. All I need is the Bible. Even my testimony, this testimony that you just read, is already in there as fresh as if I wrote it myself yesterday.  Read it for yourself and you will see!  It’s Psalm 116.