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Nov. 30, 2007
Thanking the Lord for Illness
Well, winter has come. I have been battling the flu for over a week. I mean, battling. I am 7 months pregnant. I had some of the in-laws come to stay for Thanksgiving. And I have had many hours the past week or so where I couldn't even move!
But, as a testimony to how God has grown me and changed me, I have found myself thanking God continually for the illness and trusting in whatever reason He saw fit to allow it--whether it was the added meekness necessary for dealing with the in-laws, or the quietness to deal quietly with other trials in my life at the moment, I trust in His grace. And 9 or so days into this LOVELY flu, I am still thanking Him and praising Him.
To explain more, below I am pasting in something I wrote several months ago as God was teaching me this...
I Will Glory In My Infirmities
I love being sick! Well, maybe "love" isn't the right word. I don't know anyone who truly loves being sick. But I do love that God allows it. but bear with me, I will do my best to convey what is on my heart...
I used to get so frustrated about being sick! I would get frustrated at the loss of time, those "imperfect days" where I just was not able to get done everything I wanted to get done, and not being able to just shine like a star every day. But NO MORE!
I recently realized that if I obsessed about running every single day MY way--according to my schedule, where is there any room for God's planning, His work? If I wake up and assume that just because I have finally figured out great schedule, who am I to assume that that's what God wants for the day? I am (as always) amazed at what He has been teaching me, especially these past 6 weeks.
I have been sick with bronchitis since the second week of January--the past six weeks. It has zapped my strength and my energy. Just before that, we took our annual 6-week Christmas break from homeschool (something we do every year so that we can make our Christmas gifts and spend time with other family). So, it was a very trying time for me as I found myself wanting to worry and stress that we were not getting school done. By God's grace, I prayed through this illness day by day, but in hindsight (don't you just LOVE hindsight) I see now how God was so perfect to answer my prayers by allowing me to be sick!
Prayers God answered through my illness:
1. My husband wanted me to potty train the baby. I was nervous about trying and a little stressed at the request because the baby had shown no interest or inkling of knowledge about the concept. Starting January 15, I committed myself to the task 100% for six weeks, before the Lord, and pleaded for God's grace, patience, time, and ability to get it done. Because I was sick, I also started praying concurrently for how to handle my day each day according to how I was feeling. God daily impressed upon my heart to not do more than I felt I could do. Adjusting to God's promptings, I set the children to work on their daily checklists, I puttered to keep the house kept up and dinner prepared, and I taught classes if I felt up to it (otherwise I set the children to watch the baby and I rested and read my Bible). The AMAZING thing is that being sick, I didn't stress out AT ALL about spending long periods of time sitting limply on a stool in by the potty with the baby. Normally being tied down like that would have driven me crazy because of all I normally try to get done during a day. That was part of my fear in the first place--fearing the stress and anger I would feel about having to commit to the potty training in addition to the full schedule I knew I already had each day! God really arranged all I would need as far as time, attitude, contentment, and grace! God answered my potty-training prayer and honored my commitment to my husband's wishes by allowing and using this illness to help me have the grace and contentment to just sit for long periods of time to make my potty-training effort consistent and effective and loving. I know this explanation got a little wordy--but words are failing me because I am so amazed!
2. Our family has been going through a difficult situation involving some persecution and trial and misunderstanding. The situation has required endless prayer and patience and reliance on God. God has taught us (and continues to teach us) so much! One thing He revealed to me very clearly while praying for guidance in this situation was that it was time for me to NAIL the humility factor in my life. It is so easy to be humble when you aren't feeling well! God allowing this illness was such a gift and I was so grateful because it allowed me to so much more easily just surrender to Him and to sit back and just serve others, listen to others, smile at others, and be meek and quiet! When it came time to face persecutions, I didn't even have the energy to care (while He was teaching me to have the love and meekness I needed to have). It was so easy for me to simply rest in God's care and His plan, and to rely on Him for the grace needed! It was such a sweet blessing and a gift from the Lord (my illness), I can't even express my gratefulness for His answered prayers to help me respond to this situation the way He would have me to!
Now, let's broaden the perspective. Back in my teens and twenties, I struggled with serious depression that worsened into very serious mental illness (what was diagnosed as "severe bipolar disorder with psychosis") with many additional physical problems to where the doctors thought I might have MS. I cannot say that I ever enjoyed one minute of that. It was a horrible, dark period in my life. I can still feel the sting and the pain of it, and I am still amazed I ever survived (several attempted suicides). BUT I AM SO GRATEFUL that God allowed it--all that heartache and illness! (Hindsight!)
Why? You may have noticed from reading my entries that I have a strong personality, I am very opinionated, am able to process and communicate a lot of information. I have always, my whole life, had the urge to help people, to teach people, to counsel people. I've always wanted to teach, train, write books, write movies, and generally persuade, counsel, and change people! It has always been one of the desires of my heart.
Do you see where I am going with this?
God did what He had to do to keep me from doing what He made me to do--but to keep me from doing it in the wrong way, apart from Him. Praise God that I was so sick that everything I tried was an utter failure because I was mentally and physically unable to carry out all my ideas and ambitions. How can I ever repay Him for that? If God had not limited me so severely with that season of illness, I would be... who knows what horrors my life would be! I hate to think of it! I think of the books I started writing, the screenplays, the studying I did to be a psychologist, some of the career moves... I want to shriek now just thinking of how many people I could have seriously hurt in this world by leading them away from God (I already cringe thinking of all the bad influence I had on my friends and coworkers during those dark years!)! I did not know Him back then! I thought my ideas were good, my motives were good, my ambitions were noble! I thought my intellectual reasoning of who God was and how He fit into life was profound, deep, and "intellectual." I structured many of my planned books and projects around what I felt was my "testimony" and included God. I thought I was on the right track! I had no clue that MY WAY was not HIS way! There is a way that seemeth right to a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death!
Only the past few years have I learned that His Word, His truth is all anyone needs! His way is the way! I was so full of worldly psychology and new-age ideas! I was so dangerous and didn't even realize it--I was too full of me. I praise God that He knew the desires of my heart because He created me that way-- He designed me with the longing to help people. But He knew then what I didn't know. Back then, I could have helped no one. From God's perspective, I could have only hurt. He lovingly allowed me to be sick enough to keep me from bringing my own plans into fruition so that He could bring His plans into my life.
I am so thrilled (words fail me so I will not try to express) at how God has now led me to a place where I truly am able to help people by pointing them to the light of His word. I have shed tears of joy over it more than once. My cup runneth over! About three years ago I prayed for God to raise up "older women" in our church to teach and counsel the younger women, because I was in the midst of learning all that God wanted me to be as a woman, a wife, and a mother. I had become passionate about other women learning what I was learning and experiencing the healing and restoration that I had received. I prayed for God to send women mentors to our church. Do you know how He answered that prayer? My phone began ringing off the hook. Some women at church began seeking me out! I was so overwhelmed by God's goodness and grace! The feeling that God had refined me, rebuilt me, and transformed me to the point to where He really COULD use me in the way that I had always wanted to be used, I just wept with feelings of inadequacy mixed with overwhelming grace. I am still overwhelmed by this fulfillment in my life I can hardly bear the thought. God is too good.
One other thing to mention: I have arthritis. It ebbs and flows, and comes and goes. Some seasons are worse than others. Once, it had worsened so badly that after praying and seeking God on all matters of health (was I causing the illness by unconfessed sin? etc.), I even asked my husband if we could have the elders of the church anoint me with oil and pray for healing.
The next day after they had prayed over me, God revealed to me that He had allowed the arthritis in order to answer MY prayers and to give me the desires of my heart. You see, I was in the midst of restructuring my marriage. I was trying to change from being a controlling wife to being a helpmeet wife. From ruling the roost to submitting to my husband and letting him rule the roost. I am not only a strong person in personality, but I am nearly six feet tall! For God to be able to turn the tide of my marriage and undo all the damage I had done, He had to limit me physically to be able to answer my prayers at all. God showed me that by allowing me to be somewhat crippled and physically weak, it was helping my husband to view me as a weaker vessel and to change my husband's perspective, too.
When I was pregnant with my littlest, I didn't have a single bone in my body ache for even one second, when the previous year, I had had moments where I couldn't even walk! God gave me just what I needed when I needed it to shape me in answer to my prayers and my heart's desires!
I praise God for sickness! I am so thankful He allows it to answer my prayers, to put me where He wants me! Do I still pray for healing? YOU BET! Because I know now with my healing comes so much more. If I am truly seeking to be in God's will, His healing will be in HIS timing, and it will be concurrent with how he is helping me to grow and change. But of course, I also love feeling good and healthy. Who doesn't? I do love those wonderful, full, productive days! But I don't obsess about them. I have now learned to rest in God's grace! His best is always there for me and my family regardless of how I am feeling.
Even now, today, I see His hand working as this bronchitis is still lingering. I am enjoying such sweet fellowship with my Lord, and once again am overwhelmed with gratefulness at how He loves me. He is still helping me. I see how even today through this lingering bronchitis He is still helping me to become less so that my husband can become more--so that I am reminded not to be more persuasive and influential during this season of testing and waiting in our lives (did I mention I can be impatient?). Also, when I rested in Him and stopped a lot of our school the past two weeks (at His prompting), and just sweetly spent some time listening to my children, encouraging their interests, and discussing the things of God with them, I have watched them blossom before my eyes in answer to my specific and recent prayers for them! My daughter just had a HUGE spiritual growth spurt--something she needed and something we had been praying for. It is like she had a personal revival! She is blowing me away right now at her true change and transformation of heart. It's like she is plugged directly into God with an adapter! God answered my prayers and used my illness to slow me down, to help me spend time reading Godly books and devotions with her as we both snuggled in bed as the baby napped-- She just blossomed and it is a direct result of some of the "sick" time we spent together. God used that time to answer my prayers for my daughter and to get her what she needed.
Let me say it again. I love being sick. It is God's number one tool for shaping me! I can just picture Him up there... "Yep! She is praying again, so I see she is ready for me to do some more work in her life!" He opens up a bag marked "Tools for sculpting her," and inside I see chisels marked, "Depression, Mental Illness, Migraine Headaches, Miscarriage, Arthritis, Flu, Cold, Bronchitis, etc." It's what God needs to beat me down from ME and keep me in His will. I know God Himself doesn't give me the sickness, but He so lovingly allows it and uses it for His good and for mine.
I have no idea if I am conveying what God has taught me and the depth of my joy. So let me just sum it up with the words of God, and Paul:
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake:
FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.
Praise God.
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Nov. 30, 2007 - Untitled Comment
I am due with my fifth boy in eight weeks. My oldest son is thirteen and I pray daily that all my boys will know the Lord.
Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts and experiences.
Jen