Some friends of ours recently filed for divorce.
The wife--I know many of her struggles all too well. I was there once, several years ago (which you will recall if you've read some of my prior testimonies). Depression (bipolar), addictions, anger... feeling like there's no way out but to run, and run, and run, and hide...
Her husband asked us some questions, because he knows a lot of our testimony. He wants to know how to help, how to heal, how to reconcile. He asked to me, "When you were depressed, did you ever talk to your husband? She quit talking to me and won't talk."
I explained that when I was depressed and struggling with anger and bitterness and deceit and addictions and lusts--the last thing I was going to do was talk honestly with my husband. I didn't talk to him at all. I was a total clam. I tried to hide all the bad side of me, hide my mistakes, hide my addictions and failures--I only showed him what I considered the best of me, and I still didn't feel like he loved me. I wasn't about to talk to him about the real me, my real struggles. I couldn't deal with them myself. I couldn't comprehend trying to talk "around" them and have any productive conversation. I didn't even try. It felt hopeless. I also didn't talk to him because I didn't want to. I was angry at him, bitter, defiant, and vengeful in spirit for all the perceived wrongs he had done against me. I felt like I hated him.
Truly, only the hand of God enabled our marriage to survive this period of time. I thank God--and it's only by the grace of God--one of us didn't decide to go.
But what I didn't explain to our friend was this--and it is something of my testimony I want to share, and hope that I am able to express it:
I STILL don't talk to my husband much--in the way my friend's husband was asking about. My mental illness has all been healed. I have no more struggles with depression or any of the bondages of the past that nearly ruined me and my marriage. God has healed me, healed our marriage. Over these past several years, the healing has been continual, marvelous, and amazing as He heals me, grows me, and grows my husband.
I love my husband, our marriage is great, now. I am so thankful to the Lord every day for the comfort I receive from my husband, not only knowing that he loves me and he is my best friend, but also just having him there as a father, to care for the home, bring home the salary, hug, hold hands, snuggle up to and get warm in bed, be by my side when we're driving... I'm so thankful that I'm not alone and have a partner in this world.
But back then, when our marriage was in such deep trouble and we tried so desperately to find answers, at first I did not consider that Christ could be the answer to my troubles. It couldn't be that simple, of course. So, I read the self-help books and listened to Oprah and James Dobson, and we paid big $$$ to a highly recommended psychiatric marriage counselor. The advice of "the world" was that a great marriage is built on openness, honesty, the ability to totally trust each other, talk to each other about anything, share your feelings, share your hurts, share your anger, and "keep emotional bank accounts" (did you ever hear that baloney?)...
We tried that. But none of that worked. Why? It is not godly. It is not Biblical. Sadly, even some of the "Christian counselors" proclaim this same psycho-babble, twisting the Word of God like a certified balloon artist. But that view of marriage--of how love works--is more like the "childish things" referred to in I Corinthians 13--a child's understanding of love. (Read the passage again at the bottom of this post). To truly have healing, we need to "put away" those childish things--those foolish ideas. God's way, His love, that is all we need. Not a mass confusion of psychiatric textbooks and watered down Biblical verses interspersed with pop-psychology with no real application.
My marriage has been healed, but not by my increased trust in my husband, or by my increased openness, or our ability to share with each other. Not because we keep emotional bank accounts. It is because of my increased trust in my Lord. I've put away the childish things- the childish ways of love. I understand God's love now. God's ways. He is the one I follow. God and God alone. His truth alone. His Holy Word.
I don't NEED to talk to my husband, and I don't share much of my hurts, offenses, anger, fears, troubles--just sometimes, as God leads. I don't worry about whether or not my husband will understand, or accept me, or be honest back.
My expectations are not in my husband. Love is of God, not of my husband. I don't need love from my husband.
I don't NEED to talk to him. I don't NEED to have him understand me, or accept me, or be there for me. Love (God) bears all things, (God) endures all things, (God) believeth all things, hopeth all things... God does all of that. It was childish of me to look for that in my marriage! First Corinthians 13 tells me where to look for it! God! Jesus Christ!
My marriage is healed by turning EVERYTHING over to Jesus Christ. All my expectations. All my hopes. All my needs. All my cares. Do you get how this ties together? The Bible says "Cast all your cares upon HIM for HE careth for you." It does not tell a wife to ever cast her cares upon her husband. It tells a wife to have reverence for her husband, and to be a help meet to him.
Jesus is my all in all. His love is perfect. He knows me, He listens to me, He understands every part of me, every struggle, every triumph, every failure, every thought, every deed. I talk to the Lord, give everything over to the Lord, expect my needs to be met ONLY by my Lord. And because of that, I'm not so much disappointed in my husband if or when he doesn't get it right, or understand where I'm coming from (how can any human fully understand the thoughts and feelings of another?). I'm human. I can still get irritated a bit at times, but I don't stay that way for long. I'm grateful when things are good and sweet, and when they're not, I'm grateful to my Lord and Savior and my needs are still 100% met, my best friend Jesus Christ NEVER lets me down, is always there for me, and I need nothing else.
And with my needs met, I am in turn, free to love (with God's love) and meet the needs of my husband without feeling jilted or scorned or neglected. Or angry, or bitter, or empty, or drained. I'm not "keeping score." I'm not worried about "emotional bank accounts." I'm not remotely worried about "what's fair" in my marriage.
My husband simply feels loved (hopefully), with God's love through me, and supported, and does not feel so much anymore (hopefully not as much!) the pressure of a wife who expects to be impossibly cared for, loved, and understood in the way that, really, only God can love. Remember, I Corinthians 13 is not commanding us to love each other that way, it is telling us who God is--defining Him, and how God loves, and how God loves others through us when we let Him.
And on the flip side, now instead of worrying about the love my husband has for me (is it enough? does he really understand me? If he knew about ____, would he still love me? Is he mad at me? Does he not like this? Why doesn't he realize that I need this? Or like this? Or want this? Or need this? Doesn't he think I'm attractive any more?), now I understand that God is love, and there is no other source of love. I am now able to wholly accept any and all love that comes from my husband as a gift of God-as God's love. And, guess what? When I'm not worried or anxious about "how much" my husband is loving me, I realize my husband really does love me and care for me and is committed to our marriage, regardless of mistakes or misunderstandings. With God's love covering all (because God is love), my husband's love for me is more than enough. I'm satisfied. Complete. I'm free to enjoy my marriage the way it should be enjoyed--a lifetime of contented and blissful companionship.
I let God love me through my husband. And around my husband. And in all other places. There are no gaps. No holes. I am loved. Understood. Cared for. My concerns, my needs, my troubles, my worries... All covered. 100 percent.
It may sound a little complex, but the Bible simplifies the concept in so few words, it's amazing.
If you are struggling with feelings of love in your marriage, then consider this passage:
Beloved, let us love one another.
For love is of God, and everyone that loveth is born of God,
and knoweth God.
He that loveth not, knoweth not God,
for God is love.
(I John 4:7-8)
Love is of God. Not of your husband. If you loveth not (are not feeling love, giving love, getting love...), you knoweth not God.
For God is love.
Where do your expectations lie? In your husband, or in your Lord? What kind of love are you trying to give and receive? God's love pouring through you, or your own cheap imitation--the kind that that you measure and measure and give and give and take and take, but it always runs out and falls short.
Where are you trying to get your love? Your husband, or God? Your husband is not love. God is love!
Where are you trying to get your needs met? Your husband, or God? The Bible doesn't tell you to look to your husband to have your needs met (the world does!). The Bible tells you that God and God alone provides.
If you expect any of these things from your husband, you're struggling. You're probably struggling a lot.
You don't NEED your husband. You need Jesus Christ. Get it straight, and it will be right.
Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness,
and all these things (YOUR NEEDS) will be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33
So simple. Do you get it?
I'm telling you, this is one of the secrets to the ultimate marriage: not only your earthly marriage, but your heavenly one, too!
You may be wondering where to start, and how do you get to this point. All I can tell you is how I started, and how I got to this point.
1. I started with faith. Blind faith. I had tried everything and nothing worked, and my only remaining hope was Jesus Christ, so I gave Him my all. All my faith. All my hope. I finally learned what faith meant. My only choice was to have faith in God--He had mercifully shown me there was no other hope. I began to cling to my faith. Build it. Faith was all I had. You must have faith! Not just a head knowledge. Not just faith when you feel like it. But desperate, clinging, all-encompassing faith that Jesus Christ is the only answer. Before this turning point in my life, I had never had such faith. Just knowledge. I believed in God. I believed that Jesus had died for me. But I did not place my entire faith in Christ--my entire hope, my everything and my all. Now, I live and breathe by faith. My beliefs are not on a shelf, only to be pulled down when I open my Bible or decide to make a "call" to God. I have a desperate need for my faith, and it is all I live by... the faith that Jesus Christ is my only hope, my only salvation, my only healing, my only help, my only provider, my next step, my next breath, my next heart beat...
For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written,
The just shall live by faith.
Romans 1:17
Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves.
Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates.
2 Corinthians 13:5
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20
2. Then, I talked to Him. Constantly. Talked, talked, talked, talked, and talked. And before I knew it, I realized He was there, listening, answering, responding. (Who do you talk to?) I had peace of mind, I had comfort, I had help. It took time to learn to talk with Him "without ceasing," and in the past several years I have not quit talking to God continually throughout each day. My thoughts come to rest on Him at all times. My faith has grown, and my ability to rest in His love and provision grows daily.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace (no mental illness, stress, worry, frustration, anxiety), whose mind is stayed on thee (focused towards continually, constantly communing): because he trusteth (has FAITH) in thee.
Isaiah 26:3
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts, and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6
(These last two verses say nearly the same thing!)
Pray without ceasing.
I Thessalonians 5:17
That is my testimony, and I hope it encourages you.
Here is my prayer for you, dear reader. Someone prayed it for me, once (my husband, actually, and he gave me this verse framed):
That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith;
that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
May be able to comprehend with all saints
what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge,
that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19
That prayer is a prayer that you will understand the following passage. If you HAVE GOD (by faith!), YOU HAVE LOVE! The perfect love described in this passage. For God is love. If you truly have God, then your needs are met... doesn't this passage so perfectly describe how our needs are met through God's perfect love? (not through your marriage!)
I Corinthians Chapter 13
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
God bless you, dear reader. And, as always, if you have stopped to read here, you are in my prayers.
--Mrs. E
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Posted by Vicki 
Posted by 
Jan. 8, 2009 - Untitled Comment
Love Samantha