I haven't really had a lot to say for the past few days. I have just been doing a lot of thinking - thinking about authenticity and my authentic self and my own voice.
I wonder, do you feel like you are living your authentic life - being who you truly want to be, who you truly are?
I have tried on many different facades over my life. I think, though... I think I am really stepping into more freedom of being myself.
There are still limitations, though. For instance, I've always thought it was cool whenever I saw someone in a vehicle that was painted to reflect their personality: fun colors, sayings, art. I would love that. And yet I have a gray minivan. Ugh. Yep. Don't really have the $$ to be spending on painting the van something fun; it's just not a priority in our lives right now. But, maybe someday. Someday when my children are not living with us and won't be embarassed of Mom's colorful Mini. I just love those little cars!
And now for something big. Something big for me anyway.
I am leaving my church. The church, actually.
I am not leaving my faith, for I fell hard for Christ and my commitment to Him and belief remains just as strong as ever. But the institution just isn't working for me. I guess I shouldn't find that too hard to believe, since I've never been a big fan of institutions to begin with.
There are some things with my specific church that have led to my decision, but there are more things with the institution as a whole that I guess just don't work well for me - or my family presently.
Our churches want to grow, grow, grow. And while the message is the right one, I feel more and more like a number and I find myself like the oodles of programs offered less and less.
Specific to my family is that my husband is not a believer. So, currently, I attend services on Sundays and choir on Tuesday nights and the occasional special event where I'll volunteer. But real relationships are formed in smaller, more intimate settings and I don't like the idea of just me or the children and me going off to various events in the week so that I can get to know some of the people better and leaving my husband at home, alone on a regular basis.
I have been to various churches over the years, I've taught Sunday school, Vacation Bible school, sung with worship teams and with choirs, been involved in Bible studies, Awana, and so many other things. But, you know, I have never met a friend through church that has become like a "best friend" to me. I have met many nice people, kind people, good people. But the "family" of God has always been at arms' length to me it seems. In listening to a podcast put out by Family Room Media about this very issue (of choosing to live in relationship with God and worship outside the institutionalized church - another is "The God Journey" and another website is Lifestream.org for those who may be interested), one of the podcasters talked about how often it seems that the body of believers is joined together more in a shared vision and mission than in relationship with one another and if that vision is taken away - or if one of the "family" steps away from the specific vision, the relationship is broken. He talked about how when he went away to college, his family certainly did not stop calling him or talking with him, but when he chose to leave the church, his "friends" - his "family" of believers acted as though he had disappeared. And so the irony becomes that those of us who are longing for greater relationship leave - of all things.
My church continues to grow and achieve, what would appear by all other standards to be, success. They are talking excitedly of the new wing they will be building and, you know, that is great. Really, sincerely, that is great. I know that the institution works well for many, many people and people's hearts are touched and they do feel a part of God's plan for their lives working in the church. And maybe, maybe I will be led back that way someday. But for now, for me, that model isn't working. I'm not quite sure what will. I'm not sure what it will be or where I will go or how I will go, but I simply continue to trust and follow.
I guess I am trying to understand that God, with all His amazing creativity and variety that makes the world so incredibly interesting, made some of us to be a little bit more like "square pegs." Do any of you remember that television show from the 80's with that title? Oh, I SO related to that show and the short little life it had.
Most of the time... most of the time, I embrace the quirky way I have been made - the twisty little path I seem to need to follow. I've tried many, many times to get on that main highway, but I never really last very long. I'm headed in the right direction though, that much I know. In fact, today I felt Him say to me, "You'll make it, kid," and that's good to know, because my road map seems to be a little bit smaller and crumpled a bit and a little bit hard to read sometimes. And it takes me out of the way - so far out that I'm often the only one on the road... and I do wish sometimes that I could say, "Hey, you should see the view from over here!! It's really wild! It's different, but it's beautiful!" And sometimes there are other drivers there, but it seems we don't pass each other very often. And that's okay I guess, because, really, the road isn't very wide, but just about right for one colorful, little car.
Comments
Mar. 18, 2007 - Trust
Posted by 3greatkidsmom
I know exactly what you mean I left a similar church over 14 years ago. Your post could have been written by me, but I have finally found a small, personal church. Somewhere where I feel I am wanted and needed. It is weird that I read this from you today because I plan on joining this church at tonites service. Trust in the path God leads you no matter how long it may seem.
Blessings.
Tracey
Mar. 18, 2007 - You've made a big step
Posted by Denise @ henandchicks.typepad.com
I can so agree with all your thoughts. Churches today, for the most part, are all about the new building, the expansion project, the fundraiser for this, the exciting new study of _____. So little of it is about actually feeding the meat of the Word of God and strengthening the real church, the believer himself/herself. We, believers, are the church - not that building down the street and certainly not the great new sanctuary. In the New Testament, all of the references to the Church were referring to a group of believers, or an individual believer since we are the temple of the Holy Spirit.
We stopped visiting a church building almost two years ago. We gather as a family and read the word of God together, talk about it, delve into like passages, sing hymns throughout our week, and try everyday to grow in the grace and knowledge of the LORD. Truly, we have grown more recently than the years spent in the buildings and surrounded by the programs and events that simply seemed to distract us and leave us little time to spend with each other or in the Word. In order to hear the Holy Spirit speak to us, and be able to really listen, we must be still before the LORD.
Thank you so much for sharing. It is so worthwhile a topic that I've linked this entry on my blog. I believe more and more people each day, who are seeking to truly follow the LORD and only Him, are coming to the same conclusion that you have. As you said, and as it says in Matthew 7 - narrow is the way that leads to life, room just for one, and few there be that find it.
I hope you will share in time how you and your family have been affected by this change. In the meantime, I pray for God's blessings to be upon you as you seek to follow Him and grow in Him in new and unique ways.
Mar. 19, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
My hubby and I have spent a number of years "outside"of church and we are just now moving back into it--although in a different way as before. I think that "the church" has good intentions, but I just wonder if what we see every Sunday is what Jesus really wants us to be doing. In general, church seems pretty self centered to me.
In making this move, God will continue to lead you as He desires and He will continue to teach you. He will also be faithful to place people in your life so you will have some fellowship.
((HUGS)) to you as make this difficult decision!
Randi
Mar. 20, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Hi! This is GroggyFroggy. Well, I see we are already getting into the Glitter Sister vibe because I was here checking out your blog, then went to check my mail and saw that you had been visiting me. lol That happens alot in Glitter World. :) I like your collage (down a few posts) a lot and I'm looking foward to looking through the rest of your blog.
Mar. 21, 2007 - understand
Posted by Anonymous
my husband and I have never found a church that was "family" and ended up in a home church that nearly destroyed us. Then we healed at home for a season. Then He led us to an amazing church family only 1/2 mile from our home. Although I haven't found a truly kindred spirit, we are so encouraged by the Body and their love and concern for people and the community. I will say a prayer for you on your colorful journey!
Aimee
http://livinglearningandlovingsimply.blogspot.com
Mar. 21, 2007 - Been a while
Posted by cascade
Sorry it has been so long since I visited. If you check out the last entry on my blog, you will understand why. I'd really appreciate any ideas you might have. Thank you for your prayers.
By the way, I really like the watercolor sketches in your journal.
Mar. 25, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by PlainJane
Hi Nicole,
What a wonderfully insightful post! I think if you took a poll, more than half of us would be nodding in agreement. We haven't left the church so much as the church has left us, or God's ideal. Especially as home educator's, we already think outside the box and believe in family integration; whereas, many of the church leaders were gov. school institutionalized and run the church that way, segregate everything, & try to become mega churches, etc. Programs over people. Although our family is attending a church, it's not one we are really happy with. I have NO close friends there. Most all my good friendships have come from homeschool groups and esp. blogging. I grew up in the church and use to LOVE being at church, but that has all changed (sigh).
Do keep praying for direction - He will lead you. Do keep finding spiritual food (for me it has been through tapes/dvd's and magazines). And do not forsake the assembly of believers as Paul warns - seek to find where God wants you, whether it be another church or a small home assembly. Let God continue to lead you.
Nicole, God has gifted you as a beautiful individual. He has gifted you artistically and has gifted you with an artistic mind. The things and ideas you create are so far beyond what I could even imagine. Keep being creative. Use your gifts and talents to glorify God and He will reward you beyond your wildest dreams.
Hugs, Jane
Mar. 28, 2007 - It's not about the building
Posted by HarmonyArtMom
James 4:8 Draw close to God and he will draw close to you. (my version) Drawing close for me is in the quiet of moments spent in my own space and in my own way. Under a tree, snorkeling in the ocean, under a blue sky, on top of a mountain, sweating in the garden...rarely within the four walls of a building.
Thank you for sharing your path with me for a few minutes today. So what would your car look like? You should paint us a picture and share......I would love to see. I have in mind something that I can imagine for you.
Barb
Harmony Art Mom
Apr. 27, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Morgan
What a great post. I feel this way as well and I believe a lot of others do as well. Most of us are just afraid of saying it!